First of all, I truly hope everyone at KTC had a blessed Thanksgiving.
Now, I ask for your forgiveness because I am an addict and last night, on November 28, 2013 at approximately 0100 hours, I caved.
Earlier in the night on November 27, while on my way to work, I decided that I was done with this site and the members here. I was done with my quit for the time being and I walked into a gas station and bought two cans of Skoal. I put the cans in my work jacket and waited until after midnight. I posted roll that day and I was going to keep my promise for that day—but as soon as midnight hit, I was going to cave. It was a conscious decision and I battled internally, but I knew in my head that I was going to choose to be weak and give in.
What happened? I have been battling with the thought of caving for about 15 days now. I would definitely call this a planned cave and even felt at times that it was only a matter of time before I succumbed to this bullshit addiction. It was on the eve of Thanksgiving and I was missing my dad and I honestly just gave up. I didn’t talk to anyone. I didn’t tell my wife that I was planning on caving. I didn’t reach out to a single soul here. Like a mindless robot, I drove to the gas station and made a huge mistake that I wish like hell I could take back. I took on an attitude of “I don’t care” and ran with it.
I caved because I am an addict and I didn’t take my quit seriously. I talked a big game and even ripped some other cavers to shreds, despite the fact that I knew I was right on their heels in giving up. I caved because I did not utilize the tools that were given to me here. I have about 10 numbers and I didn’t use a single one. The only person who I texted in the past week or so was Barca, who I can only assume is chewing again. He has left the site and has not responded to my texts. I don’t know what I expected from him. Maybe I wanted him to tell me he was chewing again so I could feel justified in caving as well. He was the first person to contact me on this site and I think him giving up (again, that’s an assumption) gave me a reason, as illogical and stupid as that sounds. I’m not blaming him—the truth is, his absence here and the assumption of his failed quit should have fueled me.
My plan was to chew these couple of cans and be done again. I would simply leave KTC and do this on my own. I felt that I didn’t owe any of you an explanation or an apology. I felt that I didn’t have to be accountable to any of you. I knew that coming back would result in me getting blasted by the true quitters here who have supported me. In my moments of not caring I simply decided that I didn’t have to deal with that. I now know that I can’t do it on my own and this site is exactly what I need to slay this addiction of 12 years once and for all. My dad died of lung cancer after more than 40 years of smoking and I talked of how I was going to break the generational cycle of nicotine addiction in my family—for MY boys. His death continues to rock me to my core and I used it as a crutch to not care. That is a huge slap in the face to him and what he would want for me. I am ashamed, but I am not giving up. I have learned from this. I am not giving up on my quit or this site. I slipped for one day and that is all it took. One day, where I chose to not battle, and here I am. I lost a battle but the war wages on and I WILL win. One day at a time. It is now time to quit for MYSELF first, because before I wasn't doing that. I was quitting for my family and I thought that would be enough. I haven't dealt with the grief of losing my dad well and at times have hated the person I have been since he died. I didn't respect myself. My self-respect was non-existent and my brief stoppage in chewing was never about me. That has to change.
What will I do different? I will actually be a contributing member here. I will quit talking a good game and actually take my quit seriously. I will use the resources here and be in contact with other quitters here (especially the veterans). I will get involved in the quits of the new members here. If IÂ’m even entertaining the idea of caving, I will pick up the phone, despite the fact that I work Graveyard and most everyone else here is sleeping.
To the new quitters here, let this be a lesson to you. I was 69 days into a quit that on the surface looked pretty solid. For 69 days, I kept tobacco out of my mouth and posted roll every single day without fail. Look at the December 2013 group—until November 28, I was a “100 percent poster.” I was winning the battle and if you would have bet me a thousand dollars that I would ever take a chew again, I would have taken that bet before you could pull your hand back. I had won, or so I thought. I should be writing a rough draft of my Hall of Fame speech, but instead, I’m here telling you how I caved like a punk.
IÂ’m still here. IÂ’m not giving in. I am an addict. I choose to fight my addiction head on and I will quit one day at a time and I will be here every day.
I am not trying to impress anyone with a long explanation here. I am writing this for me and I am being honest. December, I am sorry. I let you down. Please let this fuel your quit and don't make the same mistakes I did. Don't ever get complacent.
Life isn't about the singular mistakes we make in moments of weakness. Our true mettle is tested and revealed in our actions following those mistakes and I am here to prove to myself that I am a quitter.
