My strongest quit, my final quit

[worktowin]

TTM... Just wait... You have only scratched the surface.

One day at a time you are really really going to like the new you.

[TrueToMyself]

Today was a milestone day in my quit (day 87). It's the confluence of ideas that have been swirling in my mind and emotions for several weeks. Today, they came together in a logical set of thoughts and comments (logical to me, any way), all thanks to my pals on KTC.

Life has been very different for me since late June. By no coincidence, it happened around the time of a major family vacation. My quit has matured radically since that trip. It was like going from being a prepubescent boy to a guy who's lived three lives.

For one thing, the fog lifted. I pushed through and started to rediscover my old self while identifying and shaping a little bit of what the new self and future me will be. You see, my life used to be centered around nicotine. Just 87 days ago. Can you imagine what that's like? Of course you can. Up until late June, well into my quit, I didn't think I was capable of today's kind of joi de vie (spelling? - joy of life), creativity and motivation any more. Thankfully, I didn't know shit. I didn't realize quitting would change my life this drastically (even though WorkToWin repeatedly told me it would).

Now that the fog is gone (for the most part), I GET TO CHOOSE WHAT I'M GOING TO DO WITH THE REST OF MY LIFE. I can't stress this enough. The choice is now my own - it doesn't revolve around some wicked weed infused with poison and wretched additives anymore. That's becoming real now. The initial quit rage, fear, panic, impatience, short fuse, excitement, shame, denial, anger, adrenaline, and realization are gone (for the most part). Now, I am becoming calm, rational and scientific about my life (for the most part). I like the new me - a lot. Yes, I have a loooooong way to go. Yes, this is still relatively early in the quit.

To tell you the truth, it took a while. From the beginning, I liked the new quit me much better than me as a user... but I was having a hard time like everyone. Would I really be able to stay quit? Would I fail again? Would this fog ever really lift? Am I going to be weird and awkward for much longer - will that ever go away? Will I return to being a strong worker again? Will I ever get my focus and motivation back at work? The future of quitting was as foggy as my mind.

There's no comparison between the person I am now and the guy I was before late June. Right now, for the first time in more than a decade, I feel like anything is possible (I started chewing about 17 years ago). My creativity and motivation are coming back, and somewhere along the way, I attained several additional degrees of maturity (still haven't figured that out). -- Anyone have perspective on that?

As I mentioned above, this all came together today in a group text conversation with some fellow quitters (we have a dynamite little text group with J2B, Basshaug, Done4Me, Jakester, ARfish, Littlelebowski, Wannemacher). Here's an abbreviated version of the daylong conversation (just another reason we should all have several phone numbers).

TrueToMyself

Have any of you noticed that since you quit, you seem to be much more serious? Really, I don't know how to explain it. I'm generally a happy go lucky kind of guy. In the early party of the quit, I was easily agitated and impatient. Since I've settled into the quit, I'm generally quieter and more serious. It's not bad, not especially good. Maybe it's just part of the process.

Jakester

It's like we got our personalities back!

TrueToMyself

Yeah, I definitely feel more like my old self.... just a little more mature maybe. I also have a much lower tolerance for ignorance and wasting time. I've been fortunate that my focus and production have returned with a vengeance. Not all the time but 100 times better than a month ago. Just hope I can keep it up. I feel like it could slip away at any time.

You know, I don't give a shit about my job anymore either. I wonder if it's a phase or something. I'm thinking more about ways to have my own business - think about it off and on all day long. Tell you what - we were under the control of nic for so long... now we're tasting freedom.... and we want more. That might be what's happening. Mind and eyes are wide open now.

Bass

Hey dude one obscure reason for me quitting: I've thought about opening a brewery or brew pub, or restaurant. We are taking good food, good beer whether it's my beer or not, whatever. This is something that would be years from now. Could you imagine giving your pitch for investors to give you a million bucks with no jaw?

Jost2Brown

I think we are forced to face ourselves and our problems head on, with no crutch to lean on. How many times did you say "fuck it" walk away and throw in a dip?

While you still may have come up with a solution, you are forcing your brain to work now, and work au natural. I started using when I was 14, and started using regularly at 16. I did not know an adult me without nicotine. Beauty of that is we get to develop that person with a bit more knowledge of life and that factors into reevaluating or lives in general.

I think another part of it is the sheer mental strength it takes to quit causes your mind to look for ways to occupy itself as a new escape. Day dreaming about ways to tell your boss to go pound sand, or crazy business ideas are part of it. Honestly, my boss thinks I am as valuable or more in the three years since I quit then the prior 6. I feel like I have been stealing, but I am like Superman on 'roids when actually focused. 2 or 3 good days and I get as much done as a normal week. The other days I catch up on the brainless shit and drift. Nicotine and the addiction to it really were chains holding us back.

J2B said it well, didn't he. Since quitting (and since the fog started to lift), I've been an efficient beast at work. At the same time, I'm working aggressively to try to expand our family business. Why? No, it's not because of the possible income (though it will be nice, if all goes as I dream). It's all because I want more freedom. Have you heard Lighty's battle cry? "Freedom!" He ain't lying. My mind hasn't been this free since..... .... ... hell, it's never been this free. I want more and I'm willing to fight for it.

I don't want to come across like I figured everything out or that I have it all under control. I'm only 87 days into this. Addiction lasts forever (Robin Williams or Tony Gwynn ring a bell?). If you're one of my fellow 2014 Augustonians as we now begin to become Hall of Famers, join us and sign up for 200. We have a long way to go in our fight for independence.

WorkToWin

The only people that fail after 100 are the ones that leave KTC.

[TrueToMyself]

Wanted to bump this up to the top this morning. You are one bad ass quitter true. Bad ass.

Nice job!

A very worthy bump TTT!

True, just reading your intro again makes my quit stronger ... thank you for that. Quitting with you BAQ!

Thanks, fellas. Don't you just feel lucky to have found KTC? I do, including all of the attitudes, weirdos (incl. me), and even the poor grammar.

We're all lucky to have each other here. I truly felt that gratitude every one of the last 59 days.

Proud to quit with ALL of you today.

--

A few guys shared this news story today about a fella who died from chewing tobacco just four months after his diagnosis. Married. Two daughters. Active member of the community.

My first impulse was to not click on the link and avoid the pain and discomfort. I didn't want to face that reality. When I became aware of my reaction, I knew it was time to man up and read the story. It was even worse than I expected but I'm glad I did it.

Read/watch the story here.

Wanted to leave this in my intro so I can come back to this story at a later date.

[Smeds]

Wanted to bump this up to the top this morning. You are one bad ass quitter true. Bad ass.

Nice job!

A very worthy bump TTT!

True, just reading your intro again makes my quit stronger ... thank you for that. Quitting with you BAQ!

[worktowin]

Wanted to bump this up to the top this morning. You are one bad ass quitter true. Bad ass.

Nice job!

[Done4Me]

Where did you guys go in Europe? I am holed up in the Frankfurt, Germany area

We didn't make it as far north as Frankfurt. We went to the following places in this order.

Langenegg, Austria
Moessingen, Germany
Kappel and Olten, Switzerland
Feldkirch and Tosters, Austria
Zurich, Switzerland
Zug, Switzerland
Bern, Switzerland

It was spectacular. We were fortunate to have friends to stay with who showed us around and gave us a place to sleep, as well as a real look at the way locals live (instead of only the tourist stuff) I've been to Frankfurt before and loved it. I assume you're in the service. I bet you and the fellas are able to get off of post/base and travel the region from time to time - it must be great.

Welcome back.

Post roll every day. Be a man of your word. You know this true...

Glad you had a nice trip.

Welcome back True. Had to be an awesome trip. Good stuff posting one way or another each day. Glad you are able to enjoy the trips while your kids are still young. Between cars for the kids, insurance, paying for college I'm as poor as I've ever been. Look forward to more travel in 7 years once the kids are out of school. In the meantime, will work for food.

[worktowin]

Where did you guys go in Europe? I am holed up in the Frankfurt, Germany area

We didn't make it as far north as Frankfurt. We went to the following places in this order.

Langenegg, Austria
Moessingen, Germany
Kappel and Olten, Switzerland
Feldkirch and Tosters, Austria
Zurich, Switzerland
Zug, Switzerland
Bern, Switzerland

It was spectacular. We were fortunate to have friends to stay with who showed us around and gave us a place to sleep, as well as a real look at the way locals live (instead of only the tourist stuff) I've been to Frankfurt before and loved it. I assume you're in the service. I bet you and the fellas are able to get off of post/base and travel the region from time to time - it must be great.

Welcome back.

Post roll every day. Be a man of your word. You know this true...

Glad you had a nice trip.

[TrueToMyself]

Where did you guys go in Europe? I am holed up in the Frankfurt, Germany area

We didn't make it as far north as Frankfurt. We went to the following places in this order.

Langenegg, Austria
Moessingen, Germany
Kappel and Olten, Switzerland
Feldkirch and Tosters, Austria
Zurich, Switzerland
Zug, Switzerland
Bern, Switzerland

It was spectacular. We were fortunate to have friends to stay with who showed us around and gave us a place to sleep, as well as a real look at the way locals live (instead of only the tourist stuff) I've been to Frankfurt before and loved it. I assume you're in the service. I bet you and the fellas are able to get off of post/base and travel the region from time to time - it must be great.

[UH60Chief107]

Where did you guys go in Europe? I am holed up in the Frankfurt, Germany area

[basshaug]

Welcome back. Nice post. Those habits have been ingrained into your brain for years. This should serve as a reminder this bitch will follow us around forever, waiting for opportune moments to whisper her lies in our ear.

[Thumblewort]

Day 52.

The addict "returns"

I just returned from a 12-day vacation with my family to Europe to visit friends. We had the time of our lives. I posted roll myself or via text every day, which isn't always easy when you're abroad with no computer and spotty cell phone coverage.

During the entire trip, I only briefly thought about chewing two or three times. No problem at all. In fact, I was pretty pumped up, thinking, "I think I'm really over it. When I get back, I bet it'll stay this easy. Maybe I'll just be able to continue posting roll, be a little active and get on with my life." Before the trip, I'd been spending several hours every day on KTC.

Reflecting on that proud conversation I had with myself, I can now see how alive and well the addict is.

We got back home at 9:30 p.m. yesterday. I quickly had a plan to run to the gas station for a quickie chew. What? Where the hell did that come from? How did that pop into my head? Whammo! I got smacked in the lip. Don't get me wrong - I wasn't actively making that plan. The thought just zapped into my brain, catching me way off guard. The craving went away in a little while.

Same thing happened today at the office. Wouldn't that be a nice way to relax after an exhausting trip and get caught up on work? That feeling is still ringing in my brain as I type this. I could chill in the office all day and "enjoy" the dip in my lip. "When I dip, you dip, we dip. We put a dip into our lip." -- A friend and I used to think that was a pretty funny spin on that old Freak Nasty song. That came into my head today, too.

I'm not sure how to wrap this post up but I needed to document it for my quit.

Let me leave you with this awesome post from Bronc to the October 2014 group. I think this still applies to everyone in my August 2014 group. Most of it sure as hell applies to me.

OCTOBER -

Well this group is starting to get together. I'm starting to see a few of you stepping up and holding others accountable. This is a pretty interesting time within a group, as you've got a few of you in each of the phases of an early quit, from the day 1 fog and rage to the day 16-17 range, where you should be starting to see some relief and getting a little more sleep.

For those of you that are past day 7, it's super important that you get involved with the newer quitters and the quitters next to you. Make the quit about more than just you and the nic bitch, be your brothers keeper. This is for a number of reasons, but here are a couple:

Adrenaline - the adrenaline of the new quit is going to start wearing off really quick and the novelty and newness of all of this is going to leave. The reality that your life is now going to be different sets in and the work of rewiring your brain to deal with life and the situations it throws at us comes full force. This is a fertile ground for the nic bitch to come in and start working the lies. Some guys at this point start to fantasize about how great a dip was, or, hey, I got this, I'm good (Tipoff). Some just don't want to deal with the way life is different, even the little things, and they forget all the reasons they quit to begin with. If you start fantasizing about nic bitch, you will eventually cave. If you don't actively assault every one of those thoughts that come into your head about how great it was to have a dip, you will eventually cave. That 5 second thought turns into a 15 second image, which turns into a 5 minute fantasy, which turns into an hour long day dream which leads to thinking about it all day long which ends with the guy stopping in to buy a can on his way home and thats the end. You must attack this quit with a fury. Every thought, every instance. That job of reprogramming your brain takes action on your part, it doesn't "just happen."

Funk - There are various periods of time during the quit that funks happen. If you are involved and engaged with others, you will get by it. If you are off on an island, you're toast. Important truth - just because you made it yesterday, doesn't mean you'll make it today. You have to work to make it today. With time, that work just gets a little easier and easier, but its still an active process, not passive. If you are sitting back and going for a ride, you're going to get taken for a ride.

Posting Roll - Posting roll is a huge and important function. It's about a promise. It's about a commitment. It's about rewiring your brain to be a man of your word not the liar you have been. Yes you were a liar because I've never met a quitter that at one time or another didn't make a promise to someone they cared about that they'd quit and didn't. Sometimes, that person they promised was themselves. This promise is a way for us to practice again how to give and keep our word. It then is no longer about nicotine, it is about being a better person. Make this quit about being a better person.

Run to something, not away from something - If you are running away from the nic bitch, then you'll always be thinking about what you're running away from. Run to something. What do you want your life to be? How do you want the people you care about to see you? What kind of character are you projecting? You will go where your eyes are looking. If your eyes are looking at that tree you don't want to hit, you will hit that tree that you didn't want to hit. Put your eyes on something other than the nic bitch and that's where you'll head.

Investment - It is a proven fact that if someone has a vested interest in something, they are more willing to work harder to make it successful. When you post and text and get involved with your brothers on here, you are investing. That investment will pay off. The post and run guys are invested. They are still alone. It's that guy that even when they are in the middle of a group of people, everyone knows they don't really want to be there. They do the minimum but expect the maximum. It just doesn't work out that way. You gotta do the work. Invest in the lives of these quitters and make the quit bigger than the bitch. Be that guy that another guy will call when he got layed off from work and is going through a tough patch. Be the guy someone texts when heartache happpens. Be that guy and you'll strengthen your quit. No one ever went for a dip after spending a 1/2 hour encouraging another guy. Caves happen when a guy gets himself alone.

Over the course of the next 30 days, you're going to see a huge number of people in your group cave or go MIA. It's just statistics. That's the pattern. Tipoff was a guy in our June group that went 7 days and then gone. You'll have a bunch of people like that. What helps to prevent that from happening is involvement. Get involved. Get phone numbers and text and talk. Brotherhood means interaction. Do whatever it takes to make that happen and make the connections.

I'm with you today October. Get loud, get active, get angry and for your sake, GET INVOLVED. It's super important to your quit.

Glad you are back stateside True and had a good time! Your thoughts of dipping are not unique, I reached for a non-existing can in my desk drawer last week, as if I haven't been quit 90 days. I did it with no thought, just a habitual move from years of slavery. We are addicts, and will always be, but have been given the tools to kick the nic bitch in the twat on the daily.

[TrueToMyself]

Day 52.

The addict "returns"

I just returned from a 12-day vacation with my family to Europe to visit friends. We had the time of our lives. I posted roll myself or via text every day, which isn't always easy when you're abroad with no computer and spotty cell phone coverage.

During the entire trip, I only briefly thought about chewing two or three times. No problem at all. In fact, I was pretty pumped up, thinking, "I think I'm really over it. When I get back, I bet it'll stay this easy. Maybe I'll just be able to continue posting roll, be a little active and get on with my life." Before the trip, I'd been spending several hours every day on KTC.

Reflecting on that proud conversation I had with myself, I can now see how alive and well the addict is.

We got back home at 9:30 p.m. yesterday. I quickly had a plan to run to the gas station for a quickie chew. What? Where the hell did that come from? How did that pop into my head? Whammo! I got smacked in the lip. Don't get me wrong - I wasn't actively making that plan. The thought just zapped into my brain, catching me way off guard. The craving went away in a little while.

Same thing happened today at the office. Wouldn't that be a nice way to relax after an exhausting trip and get caught up on work? That feeling is still ringing in my brain as I type this. I could chill in the office all day and "enjoy" the dip in my lip. "When I dip, you dip, we dip. We put a dip into our lip." -- A friend and I used to think that was a pretty funny spin on that old Freak Nasty song. That came into my head today, too.

I'm not sure how to wrap this post up but I needed to document it for my quit.

Let me leave you with this awesome post from Bronc to the October 2014 group. I think this still applies to everyone in my August 2014 group. Most of it sure as hell applies to me.

OCTOBER -

Well this group is starting to get together. I'm starting to see a few of you stepping up and holding others accountable. This is a pretty interesting time within a group, as you've got a few of you in each of the phases of an early quit, from the day 1 fog and rage to the day 16-17 range, where you should be starting to see some relief and getting a little more sleep.

For those of you that are past day 7, it's super important that you get involved with the newer quitters and the quitters next to you. Make the quit about more than just you and the nic bitch, be your brothers keeper. This is for a number of reasons, but here are a couple:

Adrenaline - the adrenaline of the new quit is going to start wearing off really quick and the novelty and newness of all of this is going to leave. The reality that your life is now going to be different sets in and the work of rewiring your brain to deal with life and the situations it throws at us comes full force. This is a fertile ground for the nic bitch to come in and start working the lies. Some guys at this point start to fantasize about how great a dip was, or, hey, I got this, I'm good (Tipoff). Some just don't want to deal with the way life is different, even the little things, and they forget all the reasons they quit to begin with. If you start fantasizing about nic bitch, you will eventually cave. If you don't actively assault every one of those thoughts that come into your head about how great it was to have a dip, you will eventually cave. That 5 second thought turns into a 15 second image, which turns into a 5 minute fantasy, which turns into an hour long day dream which leads to thinking about it all day long which ends with the guy stopping in to buy a can on his way home and thats the end. You must attack this quit with a fury. Every thought, every instance. That job of reprogramming your brain takes action on your part, it doesn't "just happen."

Funk - There are various periods of time during the quit that funks happen. If you are involved and engaged with others, you will get by it. If you are off on an island, you're toast. Important truth - just because you made it yesterday, doesn't mean you'll make it today. You have to work to make it today. With time, that work just gets a little easier and easier, but its still an active process, not passive. If you are sitting back and going for a ride, you're going to get taken for a ride.

Posting Roll - Posting roll is a huge and important function. It's about a promise. It's about a commitment. It's about rewiring your brain to be a man of your word not the liar you have been. Yes you were a liar because I've never met a quitter that at one time or another didn't make a promise to someone they cared about that they'd quit and didn't. Sometimes, that person they promised was themselves. This promise is a way for us to practice again how to give and keep our word. It then is no longer about nicotine, it is about being a better person. Make this quit about being a better person.

Run to something, not away from something - If you are running away from the nic bitch, then you'll always be thinking about what you're running away from. Run to something. What do you want your life to be? How do you want the people you care about to see you? What kind of character are you projecting? You will go where your eyes are looking. If your eyes are looking at that tree you don't want to hit, you will hit that tree that you didn't want to hit. Put your eyes on something other than the nic bitch and that's where you'll head.

Investment - It is a proven fact that if someone has a vested interest in something, they are more willing to work harder to make it successful. When you post and text and get involved with your brothers on here, you are investing. That investment will pay off. The post and run guys are invested. They are still alone. It's that guy that even when they are in the middle of a group of people, everyone knows they don't really want to be there. They do the minimum but expect the maximum. It just doesn't work out that way. You gotta do the work. Invest in the lives of these quitters and make the quit bigger than the bitch. Be that guy that another guy will call when he got layed off from work and is going through a tough patch. Be the guy someone texts when heartache happpens. Be that guy and you'll strengthen your quit. No one ever went for a dip after spending a 1/2 hour encouraging another guy. Caves happen when a guy gets himself alone.

Over the course of the next 30 days, you're going to see a huge number of people in your group cave or go MIA. It's just statistics. That's the pattern. Tipoff was a guy in our June group that went 7 days and then gone. You'll have a bunch of people like that. What helps to prevent that from happening is involvement. Get involved. Get phone numbers and text and talk. Brotherhood means interaction. Do whatever it takes to make that happen and make the connections.

I'm with you today October. Get loud, get active, get angry and for your sake, GET INVOLVED. It's super important to your quit.

[G]

Somewhere around day 28 (on 36 today), this quit started to click. The fog lifted. Bursts of happiness. Fewer fits of withdrawal anger/anxiety. There are still cravings but they are weak. I can go hours without thinking about nicotine, instead of just seconds or minutes.

Days aren't drudging along anymore. Time is flying by the way it used to. In a way, that's lousy - I'm enjoying and appreciating life so much that I want it to slow down.

Disposable coffee cups from gas stations and coffee shops aren't perceived as "great spit cups" anymore. I don't inexplicably leave an empty beer bottle by the sink any more, either. When I see either of those things, I don't associate them with chewing at all, which surprises me.

I still get cravings. Sometimes they last a faint two seconds. Other times they agitate for an entire evening. Either way, I can easily suppress them by quickly ignoring them and/or replacing/masking those thoughts with something else. What works for you?

The anxiety/anger from nicotine withdrawal still comes around, but very infrequently. This is even easier to deal with than the cravings. Deep breath. Leave the room. Jump onto KTC. Text a quit buddy. Sometimes, just remembering the true cause of that anxiety/anger is enough to put a smile on my face and the feeling instantly melts. What works for you?

Quitting has gone from being a truly exhausting struggle to being a completely energizing joy. Even the bad moments - they quickly remind me of where I was when I was using. Those memories give me a jolt of reality that quickly turns into gratitude, relief, and giddiness. Giddy? Yeah, I don't have to live like that any more.

Today, WorkToWin asked me how I'm doing. Here's what I told him.

"Life's great. I'm fully living in the afterglow of 36 days of quit. Seriously, I feel like I just "came" for much of the day because I'm so damn happy with this quit. I tried so hard for so long to quit. Failures. This is the life I've dreamed of for years."

Years. Let that sink in. Years of life. I'm an idealist with a penchant for being practical. I have hippy tendencies. I've always perceived wasted time/life as a waste but never considered myself to be doing that. Enjoy every moment of life and appreciate the gifts of family, friends and love - yeah, that's me. Work hard, give your best. You did a good job? Great - how can you do better next time? I tricked myself into believing I was living those values. I did it for years. Years.

The truth is that I've been living life at 50% for a very long time. Zombie. Don't get me wrong - I really thought I was a happy guy... a happy guy who just wanted to quit tobacco. The truth (again) is that because of my choices about chew, I was a guy who carried around very, very deep guilt and shame... I wasn't giving my best (or even close)... and I didn't have control over my own life. Some of it was conscious. Some of it was subconscious.

How do you shed 10 years of aging and mental fatigue? Get off of nicotine. I'm happy with where I'm at in this quit - in fact, I wouldn't have asked for more (except another +1)... but WorkToWin's response is making me feel gratefully greedy.

"Just wait. You'll smile more. Worry less. Relax more. Need less sleep. Better health. No hiding. I could go on and on."

A million thanks to all of the leaders and teachers on KTC, including those of you who don't realize you're filling those roles. I owe this new life to you.

If you're stalking KTC and thinking about quitting, consider this truth: The life you've dreamed of for years is waiting for you right here in the pages of KillTheCan.org. Can you live a better life than you're living right now?

Bingo, awesome post!

What ^^^^^^ he said. Glad to quit with you TTM. I feel like I've definitely been on a roller coaster, but the general upward trend has resulted in "valleys" exceeding my previous highs.

I'm glad to be free today

Good to see you kicking ass True. Gonna have to post me some truth in my intro. Haven't done that in awhile. Feedback time...

There will be bumps, but in general, the trajectory is up from here. Great move you've made documenting your journey. Soon, you are gonna look back and develop a burning hatred for what you let nicotine do to your life.

Nice discussion.

[worktowin]

Somewhere around day 28 (on 36 today), this quit started to click. The fog lifted. Bursts of happiness. Fewer fits of withdrawal anger/anxiety. There are still cravings but they are weak. I can go hours without thinking about nicotine, instead of just seconds or minutes.

Days aren't drudging along anymore. Time is flying by the way it used to. In a way, that's lousy - I'm enjoying and appreciating life so much that I want it to slow down.

Disposable coffee cups from gas stations and coffee shops aren't perceived as "great spit cups" anymore. I don't inexplicably leave an empty beer bottle by the sink any more, either. When I see either of those things, I don't associate them with chewing at all, which surprises me.

I still get cravings. Sometimes they last a faint two seconds. Other times they agitate for an entire evening. Either way, I can easily suppress them by quickly ignoring them and/or replacing/masking those thoughts with something else. What works for you?

The anxiety/anger from nicotine withdrawal still comes around, but very infrequently. This is even easier to deal with than the cravings. Deep breath. Leave the room. Jump onto KTC. Text a quit buddy. Sometimes, just remembering the true cause of that anxiety/anger is enough to put a smile on my face and the feeling instantly melts. What works for you?

Quitting has gone from being a truly exhausting struggle to being a completely energizing joy. Even the bad moments - they quickly remind me of where I was when I was using. Those memories give me a jolt of reality that quickly turns into gratitude, relief, and giddiness. Giddy? Yeah, I don't have to live like that any more.

Today, WorkToWin asked me how I'm doing. Here's what I told him.

"Life's great. I'm fully living in the afterglow of 36 days of quit. Seriously, I feel like I just "came" for much of the day because I'm so damn happy with this quit. I tried so hard for so long to quit. Failures. This is the life I've dreamed of for years."

Years. Let that sink in. Years of life. I'm an idealist with a penchant for being practical. I have hippy tendencies. I've always perceived wasted time/life as a waste but never considered myself to be doing that. Enjoy every moment of life and appreciate the gifts of family, friends and love - yeah, that's me. Work hard, give your best. You did a good job? Great - how can you do better next time? I tricked myself into believing I was living those values. I did it for years. Years.

The truth is that I've been living life at 50% for a very long time. Zombie. Don't get me wrong - I really thought I was a happy guy... a happy guy who just wanted to quit tobacco. The truth (again) is that because of my choices about chew, I was a guy who carried around very, very deep guilt and shame... I wasn't giving my best (or even close)... and I didn't have control over my own life. Some of it was conscious. Some of it was subconscious.

How do you shed 10 years of aging and mental fatigue? Get off of nicotine. I'm happy with where I'm at in this quit - in fact, I wouldn't have asked for more (except another +1)... but WorkToWin's response is making me feel gratefully greedy.

"Just wait. You'll smile more. Worry less. Relax more. Need less sleep. Better health. No hiding. I could go on and on."

A million thanks to all of the leaders and teachers on KTC, including those of you who don't realize you're filling those roles. I owe this new life to you.

If you're stalking KTC and thinking about quitting, consider this truth: The life you've dreamed of for years is waiting for you right here in the pages of KillTheCan.org. Can you live a better life than you're living right now?

Bingo, awesome post!

What ^^^^^^ he said. Glad to quit with you TTM. I feel like I've definitely been on a roller coaster, but the general upward trend has resulted in "valleys" exceeding my previous highs.

I'm glad to be free today

Good to see you kicking ass True. Gonna have to post me some truth in my intro. Haven't done that in awhile. Feedback time...

There will be bumps, but in general, the trajectory is up from here. Great move you've made documenting your journey. Soon, you are gonna look back and develop a burning hatred for what you let nicotine do to your life.

[Done4Me]

Somewhere around day 28 (on 36 today), this quit started to click. The fog lifted. Bursts of happiness. Fewer fits of withdrawal anger/anxiety. There are still cravings but they are weak. I can go hours without thinking about nicotine, instead of just seconds or minutes.

Days aren't drudging along anymore. Time is flying by the way it used to. In a way, that's lousy - I'm enjoying and appreciating life so much that I want it to slow down.

Disposable coffee cups from gas stations and coffee shops aren't perceived as "great spit cups" anymore. I don't inexplicably leave an empty beer bottle by the sink any more, either. When I see either of those things, I don't associate them with chewing at all, which surprises me.

I still get cravings. Sometimes they last a faint two seconds. Other times they agitate for an entire evening. Either way, I can easily suppress them by quickly ignoring them and/or replacing/masking those thoughts with something else. What works for you?

The anxiety/anger from nicotine withdrawal still comes around, but very infrequently. This is even easier to deal with than the cravings. Deep breath. Leave the room. Jump onto KTC. Text a quit buddy. Sometimes, just remembering the true cause of that anxiety/anger is enough to put a smile on my face and the feeling instantly melts. What works for you?

Quitting has gone from being a truly exhausting struggle to being a completely energizing joy. Even the bad moments - they quickly remind me of where I was when I was using. Those memories give me a jolt of reality that quickly turns into gratitude, relief, and giddiness. Giddy? Yeah, I don't have to live like that any more.

Today, WorkToWin asked me how I'm doing. Here's what I told him.

"Life's great. I'm fully living in the afterglow of 36 days of quit. Seriously, I feel like I just "came" for much of the day because I'm so damn happy with this quit. I tried so hard for so long to quit. Failures. This is the life I've dreamed of for years."

Years. Let that sink in. Years of life. I'm an idealist with a penchant for being practical. I have hippy tendencies. I've always perceived wasted time/life as a waste but never considered myself to be doing that. Enjoy every moment of life and appreciate the gifts of family, friends and love - yeah, that's me. Work hard, give your best. You did a good job? Great - how can you do better next time? I tricked myself into believing I was living those values. I did it for years. Years.

The truth is that I've been living life at 50% for a very long time. Zombie. Don't get me wrong - I really thought I was a happy guy... a happy guy who just wanted to quit tobacco. The truth (again) is that because of my choices about chew, I was a guy who carried around very, very deep guilt and shame... I wasn't giving my best (or even close)... and I didn't have control over my own life. Some of it was conscious. Some of it was subconscious.

How do you shed 10 years of aging and mental fatigue? Get off of nicotine. I'm happy with where I'm at in this quit - in fact, I wouldn't have asked for more (except another +1)... but WorkToWin's response is making me feel gratefully greedy.

"Just wait. You'll smile more. Worry less. Relax more. Need less sleep. Better health. No hiding. I could go on and on."

A million thanks to all of the leaders and teachers on KTC, including those of you who don't realize you're filling those roles. I owe this new life to you.

If you're stalking KTC and thinking about quitting, consider this truth: The life you've dreamed of for years is waiting for you right here in the pages of KillTheCan.org. Can you live a better life than you're living right now?

Bingo, awesome post!

What ^^^^^^ he said. Glad to quit with you TTM. I feel like I've definitely been on a roller coaster, but the general upward trend has resulted in "valleys" exceeding my previous highs.

I'm glad to be free today

Good to see you kicking ass True. Gonna have to post me some truth in my intro. Haven't done that in awhile. Feedback time...