Day 168 - 12/29/13
Well this was certainly an interesting holiday season. I am quit, will stay quit today and that is the best fucking news I can share. If not for texts from some badass quitters and my posting roll daily I do not think I could share that same news.
Christmas was great, enjoyed watching my kids open gifts, loved building presents and eating great food, all without a nasty ass dip in my mouth. However, the day after was like a nuclear fallout...my 11 year old decided that he was in a bad mood and made he mistake of starting in on me. While we argued his mother decided to interject without knowing the origin, and all of that caused the time bomb in my head o explode.
I erupted into a flurry of wanting o hit something and instead decided to pak a bag and head for the farm. I spent the next day shooting turkeys, clay pigeons and various other things. I wound up having to fixa hole in the barn roof from something crashing through it, perhaps aUFO because no one had a clue what happened. Then on the eve of that night I get a phone all informing me that my mother outback test results and was confirmed to have breast cancer.
I sat on the porch of the farmhouse staing out towards the pond reflecting when I determined that I need a pinch. After a search of my pockets and truck I determined that I did not have any SM or Hooch on me. No seeds, no hot tamales or red hots...fuck me running!
After a trip into town (one hour drive) I found som hot tamales, and survived. I decided that night to drive home and arrived at about 0230. I woke my son to apologize to him for my eruption. Although he was in the wrong I was way wrong for allowing the old me to come out in front of him. See beak in the day young Pinched was always first to fight and last o talk, and I let that dickhead back out. I nev laid a hand on anyone, I didn't even punch through a wall, but I contemplated all of those options.
I spent the next day (yesterday) finishing some bookcases I started over three months ago. Finished and installed them, then added accent lighting, I got to say it all looks damn good too. Wile doing that I came o the realization that I fucked up but maintained control. The old me would have hit the wall, packed a dip, then drank at least a six pack while I drove to the farm. I did none of those. Yes I lathed up things with all in the house and I think it may have been a good thing for them to get the see the old side of me, I am not a big guy by any means but when in a rage can move mountains. My son learned my hot button and a am fairly certain he is not owing to stomp on that mine again.
His mother on the other hand knew about that button, knows the cause and effect, we too are now good. She now is completely clear that judgement can not be made or passed in font of youth without a proper investigation and trial.
Today, I feel as the funk has passed. The advice from KTC, the knowledge that other quitters noticed that i wasn't quite myself and the fact that some were actually concerned all made me feel better.
Life continues to happen, and my resolve to stay. Quit is stronger because of it. I refuse to lose so again FUCK YOU TOBACCO!
Pinched