Holy shit, I feel like crap this morning. Depressed. I've let everyone down. I was on cruise control with this quit and i was feeling dark, not in a good place and that bitch was in the back of my head, lurking like a rapist on the prowl. She says, 'come back here in the shadows, NIC will make you feel better, I'll help you get out of your head. I'll dull your feelings, I'm here for you, always." And I did. I didn't even really think about it. I just said, feck it, I don't want to feel this raw emotion. I want to dull my senses. I want to escape. Like the junkie, I've always been. Lieing to myself. Killing my self...
And then I woke up. And I still feel this lingering sense of shame. Like I secretly dipped. And let you all down. Let my friends and my family down. Let my self down. Tears in my eyes, it feels so real...
I did not cave. I will not cave. It was all a dream, thankfully. I am growing roots in this quit and this bitch is dying and trying to make desperate last attempts to keep my soul in a cloak of darkness.
What a friggin nightmare...