Am I the only one who remembers their first nic hit? I even remember the anger and jealousy that pushed me to it one night early in college. I was a varsity athlete in high school and I swore I'd never smoke. Then I bought a pack to get back at someone, and suddenly I was a smoker. Twenty years went by. A few years later I married that same person who had unknowingly made me jealous that night, and she is still my wife and the love of my life. I wanted to blame her for my choices, but my addiction is not her fault. I was hooked, and I didn't want to give up smoking. I tried to hide it from her, though I suspect she knew all along.
We now have three sons. My sons and I have taken an annual camping trip for about ten years, during which we spectated as my brother and cousin rode a 30 mile mountain bike race. For years I wanted to be able to train, prepare and participate in that annual event. Finally, as my boys got older, mountain biking became something we could do together. We bought some bikes and hit the trails. The second time out, it became obvious to me that smoking and biking do not go together.
Then came the switch. I smoked my last cig and popped a tin. I'd tried it once or twice but it never held the appeal of smoking. This time, though, something was different. I was determined to stop smoking, and chewing seemed to be a good solution. My addiction didn't go away. It just morphed into something different. Suddenly, I could get my nic hit indoors. The shower, late night TV, working on the car - these became opportunities. I didn't have to drive somewhere. I could get my fix much more easily.
And I still lied all the time. When I smoked, I did everything I could to get rid of the smell. Still, I got caught occasionally and made up some story, which I'm sure wasn't believed. When I was chewing, I hid it as best I could, but how do you blame that kind of evidence on someone else? Two days ago, one day after our oldest son turned 15, my wife confronted me. I don't really feel like it was a confrontation. It was more like a statement of support, or at least that's what I heard. She told me not to come crying to her when my face falls off from cancer. She would know - she's a nurse who has seen it all. But then she told me something that I can't get out of my head, and I don't really want to.
She said, "You're better than that."
Right after that I got rid of it. Straight to the trash. It wasn't the first time, but I feel different this time. I keep asking myself, "Are you really better than that?" Am I really able to get by without it? Then I tell myself that I really am able to do this. I resolve to be better.
I don't want to lie anymore. I'm tired of hiding. I'm tired of the cost - money, time and health. I'm tired of all of it. I want to be a better husband. My wife is so strong, so beautiful and so deserving of the truth.
Today is November 25. For me, it's day 2. For now, whether it's true or not, I keep telling myself that tomorrow will be easier than today, just like today is easier than yesterday. Just get through today without giving in. I'll take on tomorrow when it gets here, and I'll reach for that 100 day milestone, that indicator that I've accomplished something on my path to breaking these chains.
Back in college, my wife and I shared our first date on the third of March. That has become a special date for us to remember. It's like our own extra anniversary. I believe it's not a coincidence that my 100 day milestone will come on the third of March, 2015.
I'm going to be better.
