DAY 118
I've waited this long to chronicle my experience. Honestly, not sure how much sense I would have made if I tried to write down my experience through my first 100 days. It's been a real challenge. To be clear, keeping track of my quit here is for me. I certainly hope that it is of some use to others...but this forum is where I plan to vent.
The truth is, I almost always want to post about how I am feeling and what this separation is doing to me. However, I see very little of this on the boards. I've posted my challenges when prompted by other's posts but hesitate to constantly report about my struggles. The last thing I want to do is drag anyone else down.
23+ years of ~1 can of Kodiak a day. I loved the stuff. Always had a wedge in my mouth. I used so much that I associated EVERYTHING I did with dip. I was confident, well adjusted, motivated, like I could handle anything. I also had an unbearable feeling of guilt. I knew I was slowly killing myself. My kids watched. I could not bare to do it any longer.
I tried to stop many times before. Usually got about 21 days in and rationalized "just one". Just one ALWAYS turned into "Why waste a full can? I'll hold on to it but will only have one a week => one a day =>only when my kids aren't around" => back to a can a day before long.
This time felt different from the beginning. I continuously went through my rationalization: "I have to quit. I've already pushed my luck. I should have some health problems by now. I feel like I'm lucky that I don't. I want to quit on my own terms and not as a result of a diagnosis." Once I got a couple days in the cravings became almost unbearable. I was reminded of my addiction at every moment, everything I looked at, everything I was charged to do. My mantra grew, "I'm 3 days in now. If I cave i either continue dipping and die or I have to re-quit. I do not want to die. That means I'll have to re-quit and go through the worst 3 days of my life...AGAIN. So what is the point of caving?"
I've repeated this mantra thousands of times over the last 118 days. I believe this reality has made the difference in my quit this time. The other difference is KTC. At first I spent some time lurking, reading about the experiences of others on the site. I quickly realized that I was not alone. My symptoms, fears, concerns, wins, were pretty standard for addicts trying to kick the habit.
I took a chance and posted roll. I figured what did I have to lose. I'll be promising strangers on a website. If I cave, I'll just stop signing on. How could people I do not know really keep me accountable? A funny thing happened. I began to develop relationships. When I thought of throwing in the towel and stopping at the C store, I thought about those strangers on KTC. I promised those strangers when I woke up that I would not use nic today. What kind of person am I if I can't keep a promise? Surprisingly to me, it was enough pressure to keep me clean.
I really wish now that I kept a log every 20-30 days to start. Most of the past 118 days is pretty foggy. I do remember starting to feel better around day 30 only to have major struggles around day 60. This is when my anxiety really kicked in and I started to feel like the depression I felt would never go away. Days 80-118 have been up and down. I have slightly less cravings, they are a little more spaced out than they were originally, and they are no where near as earth shattering.
I've had significant bouts of anxiety and depression. I never felt overwhelmed in my life. I now know how it feels. Never had anxiety about work or our crazy schedule with the kids. I now know what it feels like to be anxious. I never felt a stitch of depression. Now I know what it means to be depressed. I lost my crutch and the void that created felt impossible to fill.
There were some positive things over the 118 days. Not being a slave to something is rewarding in itself. No more planning my day around when I was going to need a new can. No more pushing that dip far back in my mouth to hopefully hide it from my kids (wasn't hiding anything and knew it). No more awkward conversations with my wife about "maybe it's time for you to quit for real, Hon?" My reply, "I know babe. Soon."...for years and years. There were times when I felt like a warrior doing the impossible. My face felt better...no more gum irritation. No more trying to find the spot that hurt the least. NO MORE GUILT. Even if I'm diagnosed with something at this point, I stopped on my own terms.
Fact is I still have many more tough times than good ones. However, I'm only 118 days in. Still a newbie. It feels like a long time but really is not. I used for ~8,400 days. It took that long for me to develop the addiction I am now trying to deal with. 118 days is a drop in the bucket in comparison. I've got a long road ahead.
The last couple of days have been a real challenge for me. The nic bitch has been incessantly whispering. This makes me feel weak. I scroll through the posts and find very few post-HOFers writing about similar feelings. Makes me wonder if my addiction is worse than others or maybe I'm just more of a pussy than everyone else. Can't say for sure but I know there are times when I don't think I can through something without a dip...still.
The good news is that I have gotten through many of those times. Wake up the next morning, post, make my promise. Repeat the next day.
I will not use nicotine today. I will open my eyes in the morning and post roll again...promise not to use. That's good enough for now.
