Author Topic: Me Briefly  (Read 3655 times)

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Offline EXBEARHAG

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Re: Me Briefly
« Reply #31 on: January 01, 2020, 07:37:14 PM »
Day 170

My heart just sank as I recalled how I've felt on many previous New Year's Days.  Guilt, shame, angst if I wasn't attempting to stop.  Terror, frustration if I did stop...knowing my heart wasn't really in it.  I would just fail.  Why try?  Why put myself through it.  Why put everyone else in my life through it?

I'm incredibly grateful not to feel that this year.  I'm still struggling here and there but my heart feels a bit lighter.  I feel a bit more at peace.  I'm grateful for all of you for holding me to the promise I make every morning.  I can do another day.  I can not put that shit in my body for one more day.  Anyone can do just about anything for one day.  Each day gets a little easier.  I can hold the line for one more day.  I can persevere with help of my brothers and sisters.

QLF


Offline Keith0617

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Re: Me Briefly
« Reply #30 on: December 25, 2019, 05:26:47 PM »
Day 163

I'm not sure that I'll ever get used to working holidays.  I certainly did not want to leave my family this morning.  It has crossed my mind a couple times today to mail it in.  Throw the whole thing in the shitter and reward myself with a Christmas cave.  However, I'm lucid enough now to know that that moist wedge is no reward.  It's a curse!  I've worked way to hard to move backwards.  I can go without for the rest of the day.  MOST importantly, I made my promise this morning to my brothers and sisters here at KTC.  My word is my bond. 

I choose to be quit today.  I'm grateful for my new found freedom and for the relationships I've made here at KTC.  I can quit for today.

Merry Christmas folks.  Hold the line.

VPTBQWYT my friends

Rock on brother.
Jan19

Offline EXBEARHAG

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Re: Me Briefly
« Reply #29 on: December 25, 2019, 05:23:27 PM »
Day 163

I'm not sure that I'll ever get used to working holidays.  I certainly did not want to leave my family this morning.  It has crossed my mind a couple times today to mail it in.  Throw the whole thing in the shitter and reward myself with a Christmas cave.  However, I'm lucid enough now to know that that moist wedge is no reward.  It's a curse!  I've worked way to hard to move backwards.  I can go without for the rest of the day.  MOST importantly, I made my promise this morning to my brothers and sisters here at KTC.  My word is my bond. 

I choose to be quit today.  I'm grateful for my new found freedom and for the relationships I've made here at KTC.  I can quit for today.

Merry Christmas folks.  Hold the line.

VPTBQWYT my friends

Offline oldschool

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Re: Me Briefly
« Reply #28 on: December 23, 2019, 10:41:48 PM »
Day 161

I noticed at some point last night that I had gone a couple hours without thinking about the can.  It's the first time in 161 days that I can remember putting a couple hours together without a trigger or craving.  I've listened to several vets over the past several months who claim "it will get better".  I was skeptical, to say the least, from time to time.  I've got a long way to go.  The other several hours I was awake yesterday were full of cravings, triggers, and even some anxiety.  But...is that a dim light...at the end of that very long tunnel?  I will do my best to stay the course to find out.  Hold the line folks. 

PTBQWYT my friends.

~HAG

Patience brother. It does get waaayyyyyyyyy better. Keep feed your quit day by day and before you know it that light starts getting bigger and closer. You can do this.
But you’ve come such a long way too brother- don’t forget that! YES, “stay in the black” and hold the line!
PTQWY
~ankape 60
@EXBEARHAG, I need to ask one question:  When you were dipping how often did you think about when it was time to put a fresh one in?

If you were like me, I thought about it every hour at least.  What makes quitting any different?  It does get better - it really does.  But, everyone is different.  Everyone has a different timetable.  Someone can be rolling along letting the quit days just click along, then BAM, a funk hits for no reason.  It's part of the process.  I know it can be depressing.  I know it can feel demoralizing.  I know you can question your resolve to stay quit.  That is why we quit One Day At A Time.  That is why we quit every hour, so we can keep our promise to stay quit.

How many people have you seen since you've been on KTC that has posted a day one after being quit for a long time?  I see it every month.  I quit for five years, then started dipping again.  We are addicts.  Nicotine will never let us forget.  It will always be in our subconscious, lurking, waiting, for a weak moment.  Embrace the triggers.  Prepare for the craves.  Overcome.

Today is 442 for me.  I still have craves.  I still have anxiety.  Thankfully, it has gotten better.  My craves are not as often.  My craves are not as intense.  My anxiety now comes in waves.  The time in between bouts becomes longer.  Does it suck that I still have craves?  Yes.  does it suck that I still have anxiety?  Yes.  But I am free!  That is awesome!  The good times are better.  the good times are longer.  I am free.

Proud to quit with you Hag.  Reach out anytime.

Only the strong can quit.  There is strength in numbers.  Be strong with me.
The only time you fail, is if you don't try

Offline ankape

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Re: Me Briefly
« Reply #27 on: December 23, 2019, 08:13:21 PM »
Day 161

I noticed at some point last night that I had gone a couple hours without thinking about the can.  It's the first time in 161 days that I can remember putting a couple hours together without a trigger or craving.  I've listened to several vets over the past several months who claim "it will get better".  I was skeptical, to say the least, from time to time.  I've got a long way to go.  The other several hours I was awake yesterday were full of cravings, triggers, and even some anxiety.  But...is that a dim light...at the end of that very long tunnel?  I will do my best to stay the course to find out.  Hold the line folks. 

PTBQWYT my friends.

~HAG

Patience brother. It does get waaayyyyyyyyy better. Keep feed your quit day by day and before you know it that light starts getting bigger and closer. You can do this.
But you’ve come such a long way too brother- don’t forget that! YES, “stay in the black” and hold the line!
PTQWY
~ankape 60

Offline Keith0617

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Re: Me Briefly
« Reply #26 on: December 23, 2019, 08:04:45 PM »
Day 161

I noticed at some point last night that I had gone a couple hours without thinking about the can.  It's the first time in 161 days that I can remember putting a couple hours together without a trigger or craving.  I've listened to several vets over the past several months who claim "it will get better".  I was skeptical, to say the least, from time to time.  I've got a long way to go.  The other several hours I was awake yesterday were full of cravings, triggers, and even some anxiety.  But...is that a dim light...at the end of that very long tunnel?  I will do my best to stay the course to find out.  Hold the line folks. 

PTBQWYT my friends.

~HAG

Patience brother. It does get waaayyyyyyyyy better. Keep feed your quit day by day and before you know it that light starts getting bigger and closer. You can do this.
Jan19

Offline EXBEARHAG

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Re: Me Briefly
« Reply #25 on: December 23, 2019, 06:44:43 PM »
Day 161

I noticed at some point last night that I had gone a couple hours without thinking about the can.  It's the first time in 161 days that I can remember putting a couple hours together without a trigger or craving.  I've listened to several vets over the past several months who claim "it will get better".  I was skeptical, to say the least, from time to time.  I've got a long way to go.  The other several hours I was awake yesterday were full of cravings, triggers, and even some anxiety.  But...is that a dim light...at the end of that very long tunnel?  I will do my best to stay the course to find out.  Hold the line folks. 

PTBQWYT my friends.

~HAG

Offline EXBEARHAG

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Re: Me Briefly
« Reply #24 on: December 15, 2019, 07:06:10 PM »
Day 153

Status quo...Holding the line.

What blows my mind is the hold this addiction has over me.  153 days, not earth shattering but a small chunk of time.  I can't believe how hard this addiction is fighting.  Still getting multiple craves an hour...sometimes multiple cravings in a minute depending on what I'm doing.  The duration and intensity of these craves are lessening but they are still there...persistent, ever present.

Anxiety still a couple times a week.  Usually happens on the mornings I have to go into work, like this morning.  Wake up 2 hours before my alarm rings in a cold sweat, heart racing.  That's fun.

I love that I have not been dependent for almost 22 weeks.  I love how good my face feels.  I love that I'm setting a better example for my kids.

I hate that I still crave the stuff.  I hate that I feel like everything would be better if I just cave even though I know that not to be true.  I'm embarrassed that I still feel this way...that I can't be 100% happy and satisfied with my quit.  I'm embarrassed that I can't just get on with it, embrace my new normal, stop obsessing for long enough to feel proud of what I've accomplished.  In time I guess...

One thing is certain...I wouldn't be here without KTC.  If I did not post my promise every morning, I think I would have jumped ship by now.  Having just one is possible if no one is holding you accountable and we all know where just one leads to. 

OMAAT
PTBQWYT my friends

Offline BaylorGrad19

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Re: Me Briefly
« Reply #23 on: December 10, 2019, 04:37:58 AM »
Day 147

I feel like I may have turned a corner a bit since Saturday.  Funny how quickly things change.  I read traumagnet's thread from beginning to end saturday night and it had a significant effect on me.  Brought back vivid memories from before I quit...me imagining having to tell my kids that I'm sick, why I'm sick, and that my selfishness could leave them fatherless.  Sometimes I guess it's hard to see through the suck back to how we felt before it.  I have had a calmness about me the last couple days.  An acceptance of what I've endeavored. 

I'm distinctly aware that this is fleeting...temporary.  I know the bitch is just recovering, storing energy, waiting for the next opportunity to swing away again.  However, I feel like I may be better prepared for that right hook now.  We'll see.  All I can do is protect the head and wait for the next opportunity to counter.  Either way, I've enjoyed the short period of relative peace.  Craves are there...triggers are there.  It's just a little easier to flip them off and move on.  Here's to progress at a turtle's pace.  I'll take it.

PTBQWYAT my friends.

Awesome update. Thank you for sharing, we get better one day at a time and before you know it, we’ve put together a ton of days. I think you’re right that the nic bitch will always be lurking, but maybe one day it’ll just go away quietly. Until then, we carry on the struggle

Never Again For Any Reason
One Day At A Time

Offline EXBEARHAG

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Re: Me Briefly
« Reply #22 on: December 09, 2019, 09:51:25 PM »
Day 147

I feel like I may have turned a corner a bit since Saturday.  Funny how quickly things change.  I read traumagnet's thread from beginning to end saturday night and it had a significant effect on me.  Brought back vivid memories from before I quit...me imagining having to tell my kids that I'm sick, why I'm sick, and that my selfishness could leave them fatherless.  Sometimes I guess it's hard to see through the suck back to how we felt before it.  I have had a calmness about me the last couple days.  An acceptance of what I've endeavored. 

I'm distinctly aware that this is fleeting...temporary.  I know the bitch is just recovering, storing energy, waiting for the next opportunity to swing away again.  However, I feel like I may be better prepared for that right hook now.  We'll see.  All I can do is protect the head and wait for the next opportunity to counter.  Either way, I've enjoyed the short period of relative peace.  Craves are there...triggers are there.  It's just a little easier to flip them off and move on.  Here's to progress at a turtle's pace.  I'll take it.

PTBQWYAT my friends.

Offline olcpo

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Re: Me Briefly
« Reply #21 on: December 07, 2019, 06:51:59 PM »
Day 137

I feel like I've ben spinning my wheels for the last couple weeks.  Cravings are up.  I find myself paying special attention to C stores that I pass.  Up again this morning 2-1/2hrs before I needed to be for work...full anxiety attack, cold sweats and racing heart.  Trying to distract myself with exercise and keeping busy but the triggers are relentless.

"I have 2 choices: cave or push.  I'm not ready to live with a diagnosis so, if I cave, I'll have to quit again.  If I quit again, I'll be right back where I am now.  I WILL regret caving.  Thus, caving makes no sense.  I WILL PUSH.  I can do today."
---Sometimes helps to write it down. 

Looking forward to when I feel a little more like myself.  Looking forward to finding enjoyment in ALL the things I used to.  I am optimistic that this will happen for me eventually.  Hope that my current funk is soon over.

Hate to get on here and boo..hoo all the time.  I do find it therapeutic to rant and bitch here in intros.  I do not find this kind of sentiment too often on the boards.  This leads me to believe that either I'm a sally or that people are not having the same experience that I am.  Doesn't matter in the long run.  I post in the am, come here to vent, try to stay quit.  All I can do.  Onward.

Wow, You the Man. No sally here. day 137 and fightin Hard. I like your logic. No going back, don't want to start over again, all the right reasons. I'm at day 12...now my day 137 will be very special. Thanks  John
Micah 6:8

Offline EXBEARHAG

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Re: A Hag's Tale
« Reply #20 on: December 07, 2019, 06:34:42 PM »
Day 145

Still holding the line. 

In no meaningful order:
Don't miss trying to figure out how much dip I was going to need and when I was going to get it. 
Don't miss spitting on my Peepee while doing #2 on the toilet. 
Don't miss spending my hard earned money on useless worm dirt. 
Don't miss trying to hide the wedge in my mouth from my kids...and knowing I was failing.
Don't miss promising my wife I would grow a set and quit...soon.
Don't miss the anxiety of unintentionally leaving a spitter around for my kids to find/spill.
Don't miss examining my gums and lip and expecting to find something.
Don't miss the sour stomach feeling I had most mornings.
Don't miss being a slave to something that will eventually kill me.
Don't miss being a fraud.
Don't miss being unaccountable for my actions.
Don't miss the guilt of not setting a good example for my kids.

There are lots of things that I do miss but dwelling on those things would not be helpful.  I can quit today.  WUPP and repeat tomorrow.

You are killing nicotine brother!  Day 145 is huge, quit is comfortable (mostly).  I love that you are not complacent.  There is a reward for your diligence... it doesn’t come from a panel of experts or some bullshit like that.  It comes from from your actions:

1. The confidence you get by holding nicotine at bay... this transfers to the rest of your life for free.

2. Physically and mentally it gets better.  Much better than you can imagine this early in your quit.

3. The immense satisfaction of helping others free themselves from nicotine slavery, all that support you give out does come back with interest.

So keep on doing what you are doing, one day at a time.  The old “spit on my peepee” you has been vanquished.  The healthy gums smiling you is ascendant.

Thanks Nomore.  Every iota of encouragement and guidance I get from folks that have been there before me is incredibly helpful and recharges my quit.  I appreciate you taking the time.

PTBQWYT my friend.

Offline Nomore1959

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Re: A Hag's Tale
« Reply #19 on: December 07, 2019, 06:21:44 PM »
Day 145

Still holding the line. 

In no meaningful order:
Don't miss trying to figure out how much dip I was going to need and when I was going to get it. 
Don't miss spitting on my Peepee while doing #2 on the toilet. 
Don't miss spending my hard earned money on useless worm dirt. 
Don't miss trying to hide the wedge in my mouth from my kids...and knowing I was failing.
Don't miss promising my wife I would grow a set and quit...soon.
Don't miss the anxiety of unintentionally leaving a spitter around for my kids to find/spill.
Don't miss examining my gums and lip and expecting to find something.
Don't miss the sour stomach feeling I had most mornings.
Don't miss being a slave to something that will eventually kill me.
Don't miss being a fraud.
Don't miss being unaccountable for my actions.
Don't miss the guilt of not setting a good example for my kids.

There are lots of things that I do miss but dwelling on those things would not be helpful.  I can quit today.  WUPP and repeat tomorrow.

You are killing nicotine brother!  Day 145 is huge, quit is comfortable (mostly).  I love that you are not complacent.  There is a reward for your diligence... it doesn’t come from a panel of experts or some bullshit like that.  It comes from from your actions:

1. The confidence you get by holding nicotine at bay... this transfers to the rest of your life for free.

2. Physically and mentally it gets better.  Much better than you can imagine this early in your quit.

3. The immense satisfaction of helping others free themselves from nicotine slavery, all that support you give out does come back with interest.

So keep on doing what you are doing, one day at a time.  The old “spit on my peepee” you has been vanquished.  The healthy gums smiling you is ascendant.

Offline EXBEARHAG

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A Hag's Tale
« Reply #18 on: December 07, 2019, 04:44:28 PM »
Day 145

Still holding the line. 

In no meaningful order:
Don't miss trying to figure out how much dip I was going to need and when I was going to get it. 
Don't miss spitting on my Peepee while doing #2 on the toilet. 
Don't miss spending my hard earned money on useless worm dirt. 
Don't miss trying to hide the wedge in my mouth from my kids...and knowing I was failing.
Don't miss promising my wife I would grow a set and quit...soon.
Don't miss the anxiety of unintentionally leaving a spitter around for my kids to find/spill.
Don't miss examining my gums and lip and expecting to find something.
Don't miss the sour stomach feeling I had most mornings.
Don't miss being a slave to something that will eventually kill me.
Don't miss being a fraud.
Don't miss being unaccountable for my actions.
Don't miss the guilt of not setting a good example for my kids.

There are lots of things that I do miss but dwelling on those things would not be helpful.  I can quit today.  WUPP and repeat tomorrow. 


Offline ankape

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Re: Me Briefly
« Reply #17 on: November 30, 2019, 10:00:28 AM »
Day 138

Strange how things happen.  Just returned to station from a man who is on hospice; dying of cancer.  He had a DNR (do not resuscitate) so there wasn't much we could do but try to comfort his wife.

Seeing that puts things in perspective.  I do not want to be there any time soon.  Quit on my friends...the alternative is real and harsh.

PTBQWY my friends.
@EXBEARHAG Moments like that make it hard to imagine the debate over a stupid chemical from a dead plant. Shows the strength of this addiction. NAFAR thanks!