i'm ready, not ready, just do it

[KD2]

Day 63 and I’m feeling the blues again. I think it’s part of this quit journey. I know it is. If you’re a soon to be quitter and reading this don’t let it deter you! It’s been a lot of super awesome quit days. So happy to be quit and good things are happening in the universe that this quit is positively influencing.

I’m writing this just to remember this a a week or two or next year how I’m dealing with my self and my new identity as a quit man.

I want to be open about my insecurity with being quit. It’s what keeps me quit...keeping it front and center. There’s been a couple days I didn’t wupp because I was irresponsible (i.e. dealing with life w/o making my morning promise) and then I got anxiety like holy shit this is dangerous and it goes away after I post.

Last night I had another dip dream...one I’ve had before and it’s where I’ve dipped one time then quit again and continue to post roll without admitting it to anyone. Its that dipper guilt that’s part of the addiction. It’s that seeing and hearing about other KTC members that have done that is my haunt. Going back to that dipper identity, lies, and all the baggage is my literal nightmare!

Am I not reaching out to enough people? I often wonder. It’s been a while since getting some new digits...and like tpedro skips roll twice and I don’t have his digits ... is that my fault? It’s emotional to me that dude isn’t here...I was 17 days quit and remember reading his intro...makes me cry he’s going to be super depressed being caved.

Getting to hate and despise dip. Looking back feeling sick from all the nicotine is what I remember. If I felt sick all the time...I could go longer without having one I’d think if I felt sick...But then I’d still get in my car and throw more in and feel sick again. Were there good times? Those first months? Years? I don’t think so...lost dates, lost money, anti social, rather being alone dipping than being a friend. I despise dip. I love KTC. I love my crew...my cuttoff to WUPP is 8am. Thank you ss for taking me under your wing. Just having a good cry....and feeling better it comes in waves.

Maybe I should post when I’m feeling good next time! I can be positive and happy too!

[jsjohnson]

Day 49 I popped my corner c store cherry and walked in. Wasn’t planning on it but driving home I really wanted some in the shell peanut to watch the Astros game. They were out of those so I got an assortment of seeds and other flavored peanuts. Anyway, as I got rung up by my old dealer I hesitatingly peaked up and saw two whole rows of Kodiak overflowing. I don’t think they ever had that much on hand...a lot of those would have been hidden under all my clothes in my closet. I think they’ll figure out pretty soon they can start ordering about 30-40 cans less per month. The can looked extra shiny today. She’s a sneaky bitch trying to get you with another sense...but I had to lock eyes with her there and tell her to go fuk herself.

I have noticed today the nic bitch entering in my mind like taunting oh I’d like to take a good deuce w you. I’m like yea I bet you would. The intensity of always checking KTC and reading stuff has waned this week. I  don’t want to get complacent. I’ve got a crew of key dudes I’m in touch with daily. We keep our promises. One thing I have is credibility.

Approaching day 50 I’m reflecting from a different vantage point my reasons for quitting. Reasons are the same: freedom, trust, clean mind not constant negativity hiding and thinking all day I’ll die young and I’m an awful person/dad/husband. This new vantage point I reference is from a state of happiness reflecting on these reasons just not from a scared, crippled psyche...it’s still a fight every day just now from a smiling lighter stepping fellow.

@KD2 Way to go bud...stare that bitch down and tell her to go fuck herself.  Don't let her lul you into complacency...I have been with that bitch since you have...and let me tell you she is just not all that.  It was the addiction and a figment of our imagination that let us get sucked into her.  Happy 50 day bud I sure am proud of you. 

[KD2]

Day 49 I popped my corner c store cherry and walked in. Wasn’t planning on it but driving home I really wanted some in the shell peanut to watch the Astros game. They were out of those so I got an assortment of seeds and other flavored peanuts. Anyway, as I got rung up by my old dealer I hesitatingly peaked up and saw two whole rows of Kodiak overflowing. I don’t think they ever had that much on hand...a lot of those would have been hidden under all my clothes in my closet. I think they’ll figure out pretty soon they can start ordering about 30-40 cans less per month. The can looked extra shiny today. She’s a sneaky bitch trying to get you with another sense...but I had to lock eyes with her there and tell her to go fuk herself.

I have noticed today the nic bitch entering in my mind like taunting oh I’d like to take a good deuce w you. I’m like yea I bet you would. The intensity of always checking KTC and reading stuff has waned this week. I  don’t want to get complacent. I’ve got a crew of key dudes I’m in touch with daily. We keep our promises. One thing I have is credibility.

Approaching day 50 I’m reflecting from a different vantage point my reasons for quitting. Reasons are the same: freedom, trust, clean mind not constant negativity hiding and thinking all day I’ll die young and I’m an awful person/dad/husband. This new vantage point I reference is from a state of happiness reflecting on these reasons just not from a scared, crippled psyche...it’s still a fight every day just now from a smiling lighter stepping fellow.

[worktowin]

Day 46 I got back from a six day car trip yesterday. Went to my cousins wedding. Car trips can be a lot of fun without dip!

Last time I drove to visit him was four years ago for his fathers funeral for colon cancer. That car trip my wife found my can in my backpack after I’d hid it from her for a year...thinking I’d quit. Needless to say that was not a fun trip.How ironic it was that I’d dip in secret I’d leave it in for hours in the car on the way to my uncles funeral after dieing from cancer. Knowing and looking past this hypocrisy was too common while using nicotine...looking back it’s just sad.

I think there was some karma that came back though somehow after thinking about my uncle over the weekend...last night a few hrs before arriving home I chomped down on my dinner and my tooth cracked in half. Like what happens in a dream where your teeth dissolve and it’s not there. Well that’s what happened. I was silent the rest of the trip, my wife called my dentist and I got a 9am apt this morning. Good news it didn’t need to be extracted! Just a root canal and a crown are needed. Got a root canal this morning and the crown is tomorrow morning.

I remember the only other time I got a root canal was about ten years ago. I dipped basically right afterwards. Like stuffed my face thinking oh it’s fine. I remember that like it was yesterday knowing it was stupid and thinking I didn’t have a choice. Today also reminded me of all the times really after my dentist visits the past 22 yrs (and I’d go pretty regularly) I would always dip right after and that clean feeling would last the 30 mins you’re supposed to wait. Just sad.

Now did my tooth break yesterday because I’ve dipped? Not sure. I’m sure dipping didn’t strengthen my tooth. Did my uncle say let’s break that tooth and give KD2 another reason to dig his quit deeper? One thing I know is that I’m grateful for being quit. I was tested today with some thoughts about the previous me. I loved going to the dentist today despite the circumstances ... proud to be quit.

Dude to think about when you first started.The progress you have made.This right here is why i messaged you that day. I knew you had what it takes to be quit.  So proud of you KD2. You are kicking ass.

A root canal and a crown???  Your dentist is going to have a very Merry Christmas!

Nice update, and it is an honor to quit with you, brother...

[SixString]

Day 46 I got back from a six day car trip yesterday. Went to my cousins wedding. Car trips can be a lot of fun without dip!

Last time I drove to visit him was four years ago for his fathers funeral for colon cancer. That car trip my wife found my can in my backpack after I’d hid it from her for a year...thinking I’d quit. Needless to say that was not a fun trip.How ironic it was that I’d dip in secret I’d leave it in for hours in the car on the way to my uncles funeral after dieing from cancer. Knowing and looking past this hypocrisy was too common while using nicotine...looking back it’s just sad.

I think there was some karma that came back though somehow after thinking about my uncle over the weekend...last night a few hrs before arriving home I chomped down on my dinner and my tooth cracked in half. Like what happens in a dream where your teeth dissolve and it’s not there. Well that’s what happened. I was silent the rest of the trip, my wife called my dentist and I got a 9am apt this morning. Good news it didn’t need to be extracted! Just a root canal and a crown are needed. Got a root canal this morning and the crown is tomorrow morning.

I remember the only other time I got a root canal was about ten years ago. I dipped basically right afterwards. Like stuffed my face thinking oh it’s fine. I remember that like it was yesterday knowing it was stupid and thinking I didn’t have a choice. Today also reminded me of all the times really after my dentist visits the past 22 yrs (and I’d go pretty regularly) I would always dip right after and that clean feeling would last the 30 mins you’re supposed to wait. Just sad.

Now did my tooth break yesterday because I’ve dipped? Not sure. I’m sure dipping didn’t strengthen my tooth. Did my uncle say let’s break that tooth and give KD2 another reason to dig his quit deeper? One thing I know is that I’m grateful for being quit. I was tested today with some thoughts about the previous me. I loved going to the dentist today despite the circumstances ... proud to be quit.

Dude to think about when you first started.The progress you have made.This right here is why i messaged you that day. I knew you had what it takes to be quit.  So proud of you KD2. You are kicking ass.

[KD2]

Day 46 I got back from a six day car trip yesterday. Went to my cousins wedding. Car trips can be a lot of fun without dip!

Last time I drove to visit him was four years ago for his fathers funeral for colon cancer. That car trip my wife found my can in my backpack after I’d hid it from her for a year...thinking I’d quit. Needless to say that was not a fun trip.How ironic it was that I’d dip in secret I’d leave it in for hours in the car on the way to my uncles funeral after dieing from cancer. Knowing and looking past this hypocrisy was too common while using nicotine...looking back it’s just sad.

I think there was some karma that came back though somehow after thinking about my uncle over the weekend...last night a few hrs before arriving home I chomped down on my dinner and my tooth cracked in half. Like what happens in a dream where your teeth dissolve and it’s not there. Well that’s what happened. I was silent the rest of the trip, my wife called my dentist and I got a 9am apt this morning. Good news it didn’t need to be extracted! Just a root canal and a crown are needed. Got a root canal this morning and the crown is tomorrow morning.

I remember the only other time I got a root canal was about ten years ago. I dipped basically right afterwards. Like stuffed my face thinking oh it’s fine. I remember that like it was yesterday knowing it was stupid and thinking I didn’t have a choice. Today also reminded me of all the times really after my dentist visits the past 22 yrs (and I’d go pretty regularly) I would always dip right after and that clean feeling would last the 30 mins you’re supposed to wait. Just sad.

Now did my tooth break yesterday because I’ve dipped? Not sure. I’m sure dipping didn’t strengthen my tooth. Did my uncle say let’s break that tooth and give KD2 another reason to dig his quit deeper? One thing I know is that I’m grateful for being quit. I was tested today with some thoughts about the previous me. I loved going to the dentist today despite the circumstances ... proud to be quit.

[BaylorGrad19]

Day 31 I had my most intense craving yet. I've been getting into a new routine and getting days under my belt. Today started like no other in the morning posting roll, texting, until....1) garage door doesn't work (call repair man), 2) car door doesn't unlock at school (my daughter has to crawl out of the other door) $500 fix they say, 3) my wife and I get in an argument and she's not answering my calls/texts, 4) my daughter feels sick, 5) I have emails coming in from work about everything I need to get done today.

I'm working from home waiting for the garage door man, chewing gum, eating seeds, trying to work. I couldn't work, couldn't concentrate, my mind needed something to get over the blockage and I know what it's asking for....desperately asking trying to remind me of how I might feel for a few seconds with a pinch. I stop everything (not that i was doing much anyway other than thinking about dip) and lookup and start calling around to wall marts to get some smokey mountain (mines been on order for like a week … supposed to arrive on Wed) but i'd never been able to find it retail in Houston...finally did find where it's sold. WalMart on Yale St. thanks to @sixstring for reminding me yesterday WalMart should have it and I took on the search again. Anyway I got it and now I'm feeling like posting an update.

After sucking on this smokey mountain i'm realizing there are muscles in my face that I haven't used in a long time. My tongue hasn't swished the saliva through my teeth, and my throat hasn't had that dry swallow in a while you know holding the spit up on the roof of the mouth. Well I've felt those feelings again with the smokey and I even have an after dip lethargy like ugh why did I have to throw that in my mouth. This time however it's even more powerfully counter balanced with a happiness knowing i'm quit.

It was a sh*t show at the Wal-Mart....aisle 10 where all the tobacco is. I'm waiting patiently behind two grandma's buying kitty litter and ammonia to clean up cat feces accidents. Ironically i'm in line to find some cat sh*t of my own...of the herbal non nicotine variety. It's my turn and i'm greeted by a nice young lady not entirely hard to look at and quickly ask if she has any smokey mountain back there. (I know she does cause I called ahead) What's that? she asks and you all know the routine....it's about 2 mins her looking and feels like an hour, there's a line of three people now behind me with full carts. I start to sweat and I lock eyes with Kodiak easily visible like its in Neon Wintergreen and it's the only thing visible in the black lights of the rave playing out in my mind. Meanwhile the cashier calls in for help to look for the smokey mountain, they ask is it tobacco sir? ummm no … kinda … it should be in the round cans I say … this one sir? she holds up a skoal mint....ugh no mam....finally it's found by one of them....this whole time i'm texting my boy @SixString trying to keep my mind steady as this commotion plays out. SUCCESS though. Usually when i'd buy can's i'd put them as quickly as possible in my pocket...this time I left it out for the scowling lady behind me with the hope she would see the bold letters "TOBACCO AND NICOTINE FREE" but she most likely didn't. We all know it was a disgrace for her and disgusting to see a dipper addict trying to get a fix. It's my and your own enjoyment that it was quite the contrary.

One day, one hour, one minute, one second at a time... you are winning.

Yeah, it sounds so lame, but it really is true.  I told your buddy Fiddy Cent (or something like that) that you are in the middle of a war right now.  You are fighting HARD, and you are exhausted.  Every muscle in your body is tense and exhausted from weeks of fighting an enemy.  You can't feel it yet, but you are beating your enemy down.  All that you feel now is sadness, and exhaustion, from the battle.  You know how I know this, man?  Because 2,473 days ago, I was in the same shoes you are in.  I didn't think it would ever get better.  Temptation was all around me.  I was pissed, angry, scared, and kind of alone... except for this website.  And guys like 36 Mafia (or something like that) were there for me saying that there is hope.  That there is a future without nicotine.  That life can be lived without Kodiak.  And, brother, I'm living proof that you don't need Kodiak to live.  I chewed through a can a day of that shit for 25 years, and let me tell you... there is a freedom ahead that you cannot even begin to imagine.  Everyone told me that when I was in your shoes, and I thought... these guys are full of BS.  Well, they weren't.

So, you and Ben Folds Five (or something like that) are working this system to win it... and if I were a betting man, I'd play the odds on you both.  I know you are watching the weak ass idiots drop out like flies, but remember, nothing worth winning comes easy.  This is a fight.  It is a battle.  And both of you warriors are built for the fight. 

I'm here if you ever need anything.  You aren't alone.  Winning this alone... I dunno... I don't think it is possible.  Winning as a team... that is a certainty.  And I'm honored to be on your and Maroon 5's (or something like that @SixString ) team.

KD2, great win for you today, in the midst of all the drama going on around you, you stood tall and told nicotine (and that scowling woman behind you) not today! You used your tools, texting Sixstring, to get you through the moment. thats what KTC is all about. That is the Brotherhood at work. You still have my number, so next time if @SixString  is busy(is he ever busy??  ) give me a call or text and I'll walk you through it as well

That is a fantastic win!
I can totally relate dude. I hated buying the fake shit so that’s why I have now stopped using it.
It would take the cashier a while to find, it was just a hassle and an embarrassment every time. Hell the lady last time said “so you like snuff huh” I said no and took the Smokey mountain and that was the last time I bought any lol. T

[69franx]

Day 31 I had my most intense craving yet. I've been getting into a new routine and getting days under my belt. Today started like no other in the morning posting roll, texting, until....1) garage door doesn't work (call repair man), 2) car door doesn't unlock at school (my daughter has to crawl out of the other door) $500 fix they say, 3) my wife and I get in an argument and she's not answering my calls/texts, 4) my daughter feels sick, 5) I have emails coming in from work about everything I need to get done today.

I'm working from home waiting for the garage door man, chewing gum, eating seeds, trying to work. I couldn't work, couldn't concentrate, my mind needed something to get over the blockage and I know what it's asking for....desperately asking trying to remind me of how I might feel for a few seconds with a pinch. I stop everything (not that i was doing much anyway other than thinking about dip) and lookup and start calling around to wall marts to get some smokey mountain (mines been on order for like a week … supposed to arrive on Wed) but i'd never been able to find it retail in Houston...finally did find where it's sold. WalMart on Yale St. thanks to @sixstring for reminding me yesterday WalMart should have it and I took on the search again. Anyway I got it and now I'm feeling like posting an update.

After sucking on this smokey mountain i'm realizing there are muscles in my face that I haven't used in a long time. My tongue hasn't swished the saliva through my teeth, and my throat hasn't had that dry swallow in a while you know holding the spit up on the roof of the mouth. Well I've felt those feelings again with the smokey and I even have an after dip lethargy like ugh why did I have to throw that in my mouth. This time however it's even more powerfully counter balanced with a happiness knowing i'm quit.

It was a sh*t show at the Wal-Mart....aisle 10 where all the tobacco is. I'm waiting patiently behind two grandma's buying kitty litter and ammonia to clean up cat feces accidents. Ironically i'm in line to find some cat sh*t of my own...of the herbal non nicotine variety. It's my turn and i'm greeted by a nice young lady not entirely hard to look at and quickly ask if she has any smokey mountain back there. (I know she does cause I called ahead) What's that? she asks and you all know the routine....it's about 2 mins her looking and feels like an hour, there's a line of three people now behind me with full carts. I start to sweat and I lock eyes with Kodiak easily visible like its in Neon Wintergreen and it's the only thing visible in the black lights of the rave playing out in my mind. Meanwhile the cashier calls in for help to look for the smokey mountain, they ask is it tobacco sir? ummm no … kinda … it should be in the round cans I say … this one sir? she holds up a skoal mint....ugh no mam....finally it's found by one of them....this whole time i'm texting my boy @SixString trying to keep my mind steady as this commotion plays out. SUCCESS though. Usually when i'd buy can's i'd put them as quickly as possible in my pocket...this time I left it out for the scowling lady behind me with the hope she would see the bold letters "TOBACCO AND NICOTINE FREE" but she most likely didn't. We all know it was a disgrace for her and disgusting to see a dipper addict trying to get a fix. It's my and your own enjoyment that it was quite the contrary.

One day, one hour, one minute, one second at a time... you are winning.

Yeah, it sounds so lame, but it really is true.  I told your buddy Fiddy Cent (or something like that) that you are in the middle of a war right now.  You are fighting HARD, and you are exhausted.  Every muscle in your body is tense and exhausted from weeks of fighting an enemy.  You can't feel it yet, but you are beating your enemy down.  All that you feel now is sadness, and exhaustion, from the battle.  You know how I know this, man?  Because 2,473 days ago, I was in the same shoes you are in.  I didn't think it would ever get better.  Temptation was all around me.  I was pissed, angry, scared, and kind of alone... except for this website.  And guys like 36 Mafia (or something like that) were there for me saying that there is hope.  That there is a future without nicotine.  That life can be lived without Kodiak.  And, brother, I'm living proof that you don't need Kodiak to live.  I chewed through a can a day of that shit for 25 years, and let me tell you... there is a freedom ahead that you cannot even begin to imagine.  Everyone told me that when I was in your shoes, and I thought... these guys are full of BS.  Well, they weren't.

So, you and Ben Folds Five (or something like that) are working this system to win it... and if I were a betting man, I'd play the odds on you both.  I know you are watching the weak ass idiots drop out like flies, but remember, nothing worth winning comes easy.  This is a fight.  It is a battle.  And both of you warriors are built for the fight. 

I'm here if you ever need anything.  You aren't alone.  Winning this alone... I dunno... I don't think it is possible.  Winning as a team... that is a certainty.  And I'm honored to be on your and Maroon 5's (or something like that @SixString ) team.

KD2, great win for you today, in the midst of all the drama going on around you, you stood tall and told nicotine (and that scowling woman behind you) not today! You used your tools, texting Sixstring, to get you through the moment. thats what KTC is all about. That is the Brotherhood at work. You still have my number, so next time if @SixString  is busy(is he ever busy??  ) give me a call or text and I'll walk you through it as well

[worktowin]

Day 31 I had my most intense craving yet. I've been getting into a new routine and getting days under my belt. Today started like no other in the morning posting roll, texting, until....1) garage door doesn't work (call repair man), 2) car door doesn't unlock at school (my daughter has to crawl out of the other door) $500 fix they say, 3) my wife and I get in an argument and she's not answering my calls/texts, 4) my daughter feels sick, 5) I have emails coming in from work about everything I need to get done today.

I'm working from home waiting for the garage door man, chewing gum, eating seeds, trying to work. I couldn't work, couldn't concentrate, my mind needed something to get over the blockage and I know what it's asking for....desperately asking trying to remind me of how I might feel for a few seconds with a pinch. I stop everything (not that i was doing much anyway other than thinking about dip) and lookup and start calling around to wall marts to get some smokey mountain (mines been on order for like a week … supposed to arrive on Wed) but i'd never been able to find it retail in Houston...finally did find where it's sold. WalMart on Yale St. thanks to @sixstring for reminding me yesterday WalMart should have it and I took on the search again. Anyway I got it and now I'm feeling like posting an update.

After sucking on this smokey mountain i'm realizing there are muscles in my face that I haven't used in a long time. My tongue hasn't swished the saliva through my teeth, and my throat hasn't had that dry swallow in a while you know holding the spit up on the roof of the mouth. Well I've felt those feelings again with the smokey and I even have an after dip lethargy like ugh why did I have to throw that in my mouth. This time however it's even more powerfully counter balanced with a happiness knowing i'm quit.

It was a sh*t show at the Wal-Mart....aisle 10 where all the tobacco is. I'm waiting patiently behind two grandma's buying kitty litter and ammonia to clean up cat feces accidents. Ironically i'm in line to find some cat sh*t of my own...of the herbal non nicotine variety. It's my turn and i'm greeted by a nice young lady not entirely hard to look at and quickly ask if she has any smokey mountain back there. (I know she does cause I called ahead) What's that? she asks and you all know the routine....it's about 2 mins her looking and feels like an hour, there's a line of three people now behind me with full carts. I start to sweat and I lock eyes with Kodiak easily visible like its in Neon Wintergreen and it's the only thing visible in the black lights of the rave playing out in my mind. Meanwhile the cashier calls in for help to look for the smokey mountain, they ask is it tobacco sir? ummm no … kinda … it should be in the round cans I say … this one sir? she holds up a skoal mint....ugh no mam....finally it's found by one of them....this whole time i'm texting my boy @SixString trying to keep my mind steady as this commotion plays out. SUCCESS though. Usually when i'd buy can's i'd put them as quickly as possible in my pocket...this time I left it out for the scowling lady behind me with the hope she would see the bold letters "TOBACCO AND NICOTINE FREE" but she most likely didn't. We all know it was a disgrace for her and disgusting to see a dipper addict trying to get a fix. It's my and your own enjoyment that it was quite the contrary.

One day, one hour, one minute, one second at a time... you are winning.

Yeah, it sounds so lame, but it really is true.  I told your buddy Fiddy Cent (or something like that) that you are in the middle of a war right now.  You are fighting HARD, and you are exhausted.  Every muscle in your body is tense and exhausted from weeks of fighting an enemy.  You can't feel it yet, but you are beating your enemy down.  All that you feel now is sadness, and exhaustion, from the battle.  You know how I know this, man?  Because 2,473 days ago, I was in the same shoes you are in.  I didn't think it would ever get better.  Temptation was all around me.  I was pissed, angry, scared, and kind of alone... except for this website.  And guys like 36 Mafia (or something like that) were there for me saying that there is hope.  That there is a future without nicotine.  That life can be lived without Kodiak.  And, brother, I'm living proof that you don't need Kodiak to live.  I chewed through a can a day of that shit for 25 years, and let me tell you... there is a freedom ahead that you cannot even begin to imagine.  Everyone told me that when I was in your shoes, and I thought... these guys are full of BS.  Well, they weren't.

So, you and Ben Folds Five (or something like that) are working this system to win it... and if I were a betting man, I'd play the odds on you both.  I know you are watching the weak ass idiots drop out like flies, but remember, nothing worth winning comes easy.  This is a fight.  It is a battle.  And both of you warriors are built for the fight. 

I'm here if you ever need anything.  You aren't alone.  Winning this alone... I dunno... I don't think it is possible.  Winning as a team... that is a certainty.  And I'm honored to be on your and Maroon 5's (or something like that @SixString ) team.

[SixString]

@KD2 I still remember when I messaged you. Talking about hey man I'm 11 days ahead of you , let's be friends so you know that if I can do it so can you.
What I didnt know was how close you and I will become friends. I swear if time would allow you and I would be talking like two school girls. Like legit I'm not gonna get into all the personal stuff that you and have gone through. But that's the crazy part two strangers going through personal things together. It's been a roller coaster of emotions and life between us. But everyday I'm glad that I get to call you my brother. Everyday you are one of the first people I text because you my homie. I know how hard this shit has been on you. I know you wake up and the war is already starting before you can open both your eyes. Dude you are fucking beast. Everyday you always find a way to overcome this obstacle of quit. And everyday you seem to find ways to surprise yourself and overcome it. I always talk about saving moments that you can look back and see improvement. This is one of them. This is you trusting me and this site and making yourself vulnerable for anyone to read. This is you showing that you want this. This is you being anagnoresis(can I even use that as a verb?). 

@FISHFLORIDA, @Samrs, @AppleJack, @Judaculla, @worktowin, @snahsorg, @MonsterEMT, @copequits, @walterwhite, @Richard K, @Batdad, @Sand44, @walterwhite
KD2 mention yesterday about how mature I am about my quit. But honestly it's because of you guys and your words and wisdom.

I tagged those guys for you KD2. I know that they will have your back just like they have mine. I know they will see your potential like I do, and have no problem of supporting you on this journey.

I'm glad to quit with you. You know I'm only a phone call away to talk to. I know you got this. I know that quitting nictoine is going to be huge improvements in your life. It may not happen tomorrow, next week or month. Shit it may not happen for a year. But I promise you good things will come out of this.....


"I almost nunchucked you; you don't even realize!"

[KD2]

Day 31 I had my most intense craving yet. I've been getting into a new routine and getting days under my belt. Today started like no other in the morning posting roll, texting, until....1) garage door doesn't work (call repair man), 2) car door doesn't unlock at school (my daughter has to crawl out of the other door) $500 fix they say, 3) my wife and I get in an argument and she's not answering my calls/texts, 4) my daughter feels sick, 5) I have emails coming in from work about everything I need to get done today.

I'm working from home waiting for the garage door man, chewing gum, eating seeds, trying to work. I couldn't work, couldn't concentrate, my mind needed something to get over the blockage and I know what it's asking for....desperately asking trying to remind me of how I might feel for a few seconds with a pinch. I stop everything (not that i was doing much anyway other than thinking about dip) and lookup and start calling around to wall marts to get some smokey mountain (mines been on order for like a week … supposed to arrive on Wed) but i'd never been able to find it retail in Houston...finally did find where it's sold. WalMart on Yale St. thanks to @sixstring for reminding me yesterday WalMart should have it and I took on the search again. Anyway I got it and now I'm feeling like posting an update.

After sucking on this smokey mountain i'm realizing there are muscles in my face that I haven't used in a long time. My tongue hasn't swished the saliva through my teeth, and my throat hasn't had that dry swallow in a while you know holding the spit up on the roof of the mouth. Well I've felt those feelings again with the smokey and I even have an after dip lethargy like ugh why did I have to throw that in my mouth. This time however it's even more powerfully counter balanced with a happiness knowing i'm quit.

It was a sh*t show at the Wal-Mart....aisle 10 where all the tobacco is. I'm waiting patiently behind two grandma's buying kitty litter and ammonia to clean up cat feces accidents. Ironically i'm in line to find some cat sh*t of my own...of the herbal non nicotine variety. It's my turn and i'm greeted by a nice young lady not entirely hard to look at and quickly ask if she has any smokey mountain back there. (I know she does cause I called ahead) What's that? she asks and you all know the routine....it's about 2 mins her looking and feels like an hour, there's a line of three people now behind me with full carts. I start to sweat and I lock eyes with Kodiak easily visible like its in Neon Wintergreen and it's the only thing visible in the black lights of the rave playing out in my mind. Meanwhile the cashier calls in for help to look for the smokey mountain, they ask is it tobacco sir? ummm no … kinda … it should be in the round cans I say … this one sir? she holds up a skoal mint....ugh no mam....finally it's found by one of them....this whole time i'm texting my boy @SixString trying to keep my mind steady as this commotion plays out. SUCCESS though. Usually when i'd buy can's i'd put them as quickly as possible in my pocket...this time I left it out for the scowling lady behind me with the hope she would see the bold letters "TOBACCO AND NICOTINE FREE" but she most likely didn't. We all know it was a disgrace for her and disgusting to see a dipper addict trying to get a fix. It's my and your own enjoyment that it was quite the contrary.

[Zeus]

Day 13 it’s been a while wanted to give an update...So I’m totally hooked on fake chew...I can’t imagine what would get me to have a dip right now after 13 days but I can’t get complacent...I’ve been tested with some stressful situations and held strong. I’m not as productive at work still just procrastinating and unmotivated still staring around...tough to get over the inertia to tackle a big task. I cried again today in my car getting to work like a little sissy...like I feel worthless like I’ve done this shit for so long and finally now at 37 growing up....I always thought it would come to an end and now it is ... I think I feel worthless not because of the dip but other expectations professionally that my family and wife have for me which maybe me dipping played a role is slowing that down ... who knows.

It's completely normal to have an extreme emotional roller-coaster ride at point you're at. You just have to hang in there a little longer. Then the fog will clear and you'll start feeling good for a few days before the funk knocks you on your ass again. That too shall pass.  Don't be too hard on yourself. Stick to the basics of WUPPing every day. Sometimes the fight IS staying in the fight. The recovery goes at it's own pace--not your pace. It's all just the Nic botch's way of trying to get you back. Stick around until the miracle happens.

[chris2alaska]

Day 13 it’s been a while wanted to give an update...So I’m totally hooked on fake chew...I can’t imagine what would get me to have a dip right now after 13 days but I can’t get complacent...I’ve been tested with some stressful situations and held strong. I’m not as productive at work still just procrastinating and unmotivated still staring around...tough to get over the inertia to tackle a big task. I cried again today in my car getting to work like a little sissy...like I feel worthless like I’ve done this shit for so long and finally now at 37 growing up....I always thought it would come to an end and now it is ... I think I feel worthless not because of the dip but other expectations professionally that my family and wife have for me which maybe me dipping played a role is slowing that down ... who knows.

KD2,

There is nothing in this world that can't be done without a nicotine.  You are proving that fact everyday.  You are not worthless and you ARE a Bad Ass Quitter.

Keep up the fight, we are right there with you brother.

[KD2]

Day 13 it’s been a while wanted to give an update...So I’m totally hooked on fake chew...I can’t imagine what would get me to have a dip right now after 13 days but I can’t get complacent...I’ve been tested with some stressful situations and held strong. I’m not as productive at work still just procrastinating and unmotivated still staring around...tough to get over the inertia to tackle a big task. I cried again today in my car getting to work like a little sissy...like I feel worthless like I’ve done this shit for so long and finally now at 37 growing up....I always thought it would come to an end and now it is ... I think I feel worthless not because of the dip but other expectations professionally that my family and wife have for me which maybe me dipping played a role is slowing that down ... who knows.

[KD2]

I want to share a dream I had last night that I’ve been thinking about all day and told my wife about it this morning. She and I were skiing in the dream (I used to dip when I skied back in high school) and it was fun cruising down the mountain with her ...feeling the gravity accelerate me on the skis. Then we get towards the bottom of the mountain and we have to ski up a steep ramp (like a huge skateboard ramp) with all the momentum to the top...my wife did it easily and I almost got all the way up but had to reach with my hands and grab the side and struggled for several minutes scared like I was trying to pull myself up from a cliff and my feet flailing ... with all my strength I somehow got up...and then I hear the clapping roar of the crowd watching this scene from the ‘chalet’ or spectator area.

For me this dream is a representation of my struggle with nicotine/dip (the snow was dip spit brown in the dream) ... the journey with my wife where things seem easy for her and I’m fighting my ass off right now to overcome my addiction. The cheering at the end is where KTC comes in...that is you all! I know you’re all cheering for me...every morning, every post or response, and I want to get to the top of that mountain ramp to show you all I can! I pull myself up one day at a time with you all and it does keep getting easier...my arm strength !