Hidden habit

[FLLipOut]

Day 22

The sad thing is...I am addicted, and in that I will be consumed by the addiction, at least to some extent, for my whole life. Whether I use or not, it takes my focus, energy and time.
Before I met all you badasses, I didn’t realize this. For 16 years I’d hidden my addiction (not habit...thanks guys!) from pretty much everyone.
 When I failed on my own before- I know it’s because I became complacent. But it’s also because I let the addict brain tell me it was “harder for me” and that “only I struggled for so long” and “I’m just making everyone around me miserable by being a little bitch- they don’t deserve this” ...and these thoughts eventually broke me down.
{-motivation is a daily exercise- }
I guess basically, I’ve come to realize that my addiction is going to take my focus, energy and time whether I use or not.
I’d rather feel good and proud that the focus, energy and time is being spent not using.

May I offer a small bit of hope?

It will get better.  Cure never happens, the addiction will lurk.  However the future is brighter than you realize right now.

At 22 bad ass days, you should start experiencing good days as well as tough days.  By Hall of Fame the balance will be mostly good days.  Then it keeps getting better.

I am on day 1645.  It still gets better for me each day.  Bad days are rare... and really they are moments not days.

Keep this journal going, you are doing great!  Again: better days ahead.

And there will be terrible days that have nothing to do with your addiction.

Some of us have lost our pets, our jobs, our loved ones.... there will be days moving forward that feel like the darkest days but only one thing would make them darker, giving in.

Never Again For Any Reason!

Nothing in this entire world is better with nicotine... nothing.

But like my friend No posted, it gets good to a point you can't imagine.

Proud to quit with you!

These guys! They are wise!
They follow the ones before them.
Simple process of a difficult journey.
At times it will feel consuming..but in time it will get easier. But it will never leave. That's why your daily promise is key. I'm proud to quit with you today. 1692.

I can't add much more to what these quit legends have already said.  Trust us, yes, we will always be addicts and no, we can never unring that damn bell, but in time things will get better and better and so much better. I am asking you to just trust us on this.  One day at a time girl!

[ChickDip]

Day 22

The sad thing is...I am addicted, and in that I will be consumed by the addiction, at least to some extent, for my whole life. Whether I use or not, it takes my focus, energy and time.
Before I met all you badasses, I didn’t realize this. For 16 years I’d hidden my addiction (not habit...thanks guys!) from pretty much everyone.
 When I failed on my own before- I know it’s because I became complacent. But it’s also because I let the addict brain tell me it was “harder for me” and that “only I struggled for so long” and “I’m just making everyone around me miserable by being a little bitch- they don’t deserve this” ...and these thoughts eventually broke me down.
{-motivation is a daily exercise- }
I guess basically, I’ve come to realize that my addiction is going to take my focus, energy and time whether I use or not.
I’d rather feel good and proud that the focus, energy and time is being spent not using.

May I offer a small bit of hope?

It will get better.  Cure never happens, the addiction will lurk.  However the future is brighter than you realize right now.

At 22 bad ass days, you should start experiencing good days as well as tough days.  By Hall of Fame the balance will be mostly good days.  Then it keeps getting better.

I am on day 1645.  It still gets better for me each day.  Bad days are rare... and really they are moments not days.

Keep this journal going, you are doing great!  Again: better days ahead.

And there will be terrible days that have nothing to do with your addiction.

Some of us have lost our pets, our jobs, our loved ones.... there will be days moving forward that feel like the darkest days but only one thing would make them darker, giving in.

Never Again For Any Reason!

Nothing in this entire world is better with nicotine... nothing.

But like my friend No posted, it gets good to a point you can't imagine.

Proud to quit with you!

These guys! They are wise!
They follow the ones before them.
Simple process of a difficult journey.
At times it will feel consuming..but in time it will get easier. But it will never leave. That's why your daily promise is key. I'm proud to quit with you today. 1692.

[Skolvikings]

Day 22

The sad thing is...I am addicted, and in that I will be consumed by the addiction, at least to some extent, for my whole life. Whether I use or not, it takes my focus, energy and time.
Before I met all you badasses, I didn’t realize this. For 16 years I’d hidden my addiction (not habit...thanks guys!) from pretty much everyone.
 When I failed on my own before- I know it’s because I became complacent. But it’s also because I let the addict brain tell me it was “harder for me” and that “only I struggled for so long” and “I’m just making everyone around me miserable by being a little bitch- they don’t deserve this” ...and these thoughts eventually broke me down.
{-motivation is a daily exercise- }
I guess basically, I’ve come to realize that my addiction is going to take my focus, energy and time whether I use or not.
I’d rather feel good and proud that the focus, energy and time is being spent not using.

May I offer a small bit of hope?

It will get better.  Cure never happens, the addiction will lurk.  However the future is brighter than you realize right now.

At 22 bad ass days, you should start experiencing good days as well as tough days.  By Hall of Fame the balance will be mostly good days.  Then it keeps getting better.

I am on day 1645.  It still gets better for me each day.  Bad days are rare... and really they are moments not days.

Keep this journal going, you are doing great!  Again: better days ahead.

And there will be terrible days that have nothing to do with your addiction.

Some of us have lost our pets, our jobs, our loved ones.... there will be days moving forward that feel like the darkest days but only one thing would make them darker, giving in.

Never Again For Any Reason!

Nothing in this entire world is better with nicotine... nothing.

But like my friend No posted, it gets good to a point you can't imagine.

Proud to quit with you!

[Nomore1959]

Day 22

The sad thing is...I am addicted, and in that I will be consumed by the addiction, at least to some extent, for my whole life. Whether I use or not, it takes my focus, energy and time.
Before I met all you badasses, I didn’t realize this. For 16 years I’d hidden my addiction (not habit...thanks guys!) from pretty much everyone.
 When I failed on my own before- I know it’s because I became complacent. But it’s also because I let the addict brain tell me it was “harder for me” and that “only I struggled for so long” and “I’m just making everyone around me miserable by being a little bitch- they don’t deserve this” ...and these thoughts eventually broke me down.
{-motivation is a daily exercise- }
I guess basically, I’ve come to realize that my addiction is going to take my focus, energy and time whether I use or not.
I’d rather feel good and proud that the focus, energy and time is being spent not using.

May I offer a small bit of hope?

It will get better.  Cure never happens, the addiction will lurk.  However the future is brighter than you realize right now.

At 22 bad ass days, you should start experiencing good days as well as tough days.  By Hall of Fame the balance will be mostly good days.  Then it keeps getting better.

I am on day 1645.  It still gets better for me each day.  Bad days are rare... and really they are moments not days.

Keep this journal going, you are doing great!  Again: better days ahead.

[ankape]

Day 22

The sad thing is...I am addicted, and in that I will be consumed by the addiction, at least to some extent, for my whole life. Whether I use or not, it takes my focus, energy and time.
Before I met all you badasses, I didn’t realize this. For 16 years I’d hidden my addiction (not habit...thanks guys!) from pretty much everyone.
 When I failed on my own before- I know it’s because I became complacent. But it’s also because I let the addict brain tell me it was “harder for me” and that “only I struggled for so long” and “I’m just making everyone around me miserable by being a little bitch- they don’t deserve this” ...and these thoughts eventually broke me down.
{-motivation is a daily exercise- }
I guess basically, I’ve come to realize that my addiction is going to take my focus, energy and time whether I use or not.
I’d rather feel good and proud that the focus, energy and time is being spent not using.

[ankape]

ankape.... one a these days we will get you doin longer triathlons  im sad they took away the full iren man out to coeur. i bonked at mile 80 on the bike and wanted to go back and finish (the race was in june but dam that lake was cold!)

also misry loves company so do fuggin dippers. if your co workers ever offer up a dip heres what you need to do (this heres the indoor version.)

take can.
smile.
open can.
dump in trash. the dirtyest smellyest trash you can find.
return empty with smile.
repete as needed til they dont offer any more.

I bet I’ll end up doing one someday! Don’t feel like I have the time right now with the kids so little.
 Yes! That lake is cold all year, but June it’s still straight snow melt

My coworkers, and pretty much everyone, don’t know about my addiction. And they’d be SO shocked. Probably makes it easier at this point really. I should just hid it tho and watch them panick!
 

[syndrome]

ankape.... one a these days we will get you doin longer triathlons  im sad they took away the full iren man out to coeur. i bonked at mile 80 on the bike and wanted to go back and finish (the race was in june but dam that lake was cold!)

also misry loves company so do fuggin dippers. if your co workers ever offer up a dip heres what you need to do (this heres the indoor version.)

take can.
smile.
open can.
dump in trash. the dirtyest smellyest trash you can find.
return empty with smile.
repete as needed til they dont offer any more.

[Athan]

WINNING!!

[ankape]

Day 20

Today was big in a small way. I worked with two guys in my department that dip and they leave their cans in the lounge. Seeing them dip has weakened me to failure in the past-  especially after high adrenaline trauma days. But today I looked right at the cans, I watched them put dips in and some words of wisdom came into my head and replaced the dwelling desires. Of the most powerful is, “when that thought pops into my head- I visualize myself lying on my deathbed with half a jaw, looking at the beautiful faces of my family as they tell me goodbye because I wasn’t strong enough to quit this shit” ...makes it feel like {it’s not that hard} in that moment and repeat as needed.

[ankape]

Day 18
This morning my oldest son (6) comes running up to me saying that my youngest daughter (almost 2) had gotten into my bathroom bag.
—my bathroom bag is a bag of all my shower things that I pack around with me for work. I always kept my can in a compartment of this bag—
My first thought was of the possibility that she’d gotten the dip...followed shortly by tremendous relief that it wasn’t possible cause it wasn’t there. (She only got my mascara and smeared it around)

It makes me feel absolutely sick that it is even a struggle. Logically it’s so clear!! It shows the power of this addiction...Thankful for freedom!

[ankape]

Day 15

I was hesitant to put my thoughts out there yesterday. I am glad I did though, because I found the answers I was hoping for....If I had this all figured out on my own- I wouldn’t have joined KTC. Turns out...you don’t know what you don’t know. I have learned things from my friends here that has finally given me that “aha” moment.

 My list of “motivations” are sort of a combination of for me and for others and it’s a mile long.
-being a good example to my kids
-being able to help my kids not to start without being a hypocrite
-showing my family that they matter enough to take care of myself
-reduce the chance of cancer
-balancing my mood and spending quality time with my loved ones
-taking care of my teeth
- not constantly worrying about spots in my mouth
- not having my family have to worry about my health
-not having to hide or sneak around
-not having to have awkward conversations fearing they can see it
-doing my next triathlon without a nicotine gut ache
-save the money
….the list goes on

My REASON for quitting is simple.
—I love my life!!. I only get this one.

[jsjohnson]

Day 14

I’ve been struggling to really wrap my mind around the “only quit for yourself” idea.
I kept thinking, “My head isn’t right here. I have to figure this out. Am I quitting for myself? Feels like I want this for those I love and those who love me. How do I quit for me?”
So, I asked myself a couple serious, tough questions:
1) If I was told I was going to die in 6 months regardless of my choices, would I start again?
2) If I tragically lost all of my loved ones, would I start again?
My answer was, “Yes. Why would I not?”

These questions brought to light, for me, the fact that my addiction doesn’t care about my situation. These are extreme situations but the idea is the same. “Will nicotine help me here?” NO...but it is waiting for any weakness on any level. Waiting for an opportunity to be a crutch.
I must draw that hard line that says I will NEVER lean on nicotine again- for ANYTHING . NO. MATTER. WHAT. If I don’t it’ll eventually get me back.
Draw the line. Hold the line.

@ankape I knew when I quit...I did quit for me.  I had been dipping for 33 years, I would wake up and think about it, plan vacations around it, plan holidays around it, plan my day around it, plan the hour around it, plan the minute around it.  I finally asked myself If I was really seriously planning my Life around this dead plant that had been poisoning me for the past 33 years.  I asked myself the same questions you did to yourself, and came to the same conclusion......Will nicotine help me here?  NOPE..every time I think about a dip, I just tell myself, if I need to put a dead plant in my mouth it can be Mint leafs or sunflower seeds.  Proud to be quit with you today.

[Keith0617]

Day 14

I’ve been struggling to really wrap my mind around the “only quit for yourself” idea.
I kept thinking, “My head isn’t right here. I have to figure this out. Am I quitting for myself? Feels like I want this for those I love and those who love me. How do I quit for me?”
So, I asked myself a couple serious, tough questions:
1) If I was told I was going to die in 6 months regardless of my choices, would I start again?
2) If I tragically lost all of my loved ones, would I start again?
My answer was, “Yes. Why would I not?”

These questions brought to light, for me, the fact that my addiction doesn’t care about my situation. These are extreme situations but the idea is the same. “Will nicotine help me here?” NO...but it is waiting for any weakness on any level. Waiting for an opportunity to be a crutch.
I must draw that hard line that says I will NEVER lean on nicotine again- for ANYTHING . NO. MATTER. WHAT. If I don’t it’ll eventually get me back.
Draw the line. Hold the line.

1 problem + nicotine = 2 problems. It is never the solution. I am glad you see the light. You are doing great @ankape . Keep quitting ODAAT and before you know it you will have a bunch of days under your belt and life will be so much better.

[ankape]

 Day 14

I’ve been struggling to really wrap my mind around the “only quit for yourself” idea.
I kept thinking, “My head isn’t right here. I have to figure this out. Am I quitting for myself? Feels like I want this for those I love and those who love me. How do I quit for me?”
So, I asked myself a couple serious, tough questions:
1) If I was told I was going to die in 6 months regardless of my choices, would I start again?
2) If I tragically lost all of my loved ones, would I start again?
My answer was, “Yes. Why would I not?”

These questions brought to light, for me, the fact that my addiction doesn’t care about my situation. These are extreme situations but the idea is the same. “Will nicotine help me here?” NO...but it is waiting for any weakness on any level. Waiting for an opportunity to be a crutch.
I must draw that hard line that says I will NEVER lean on nicotine again- for ANYTHING . NO. MATTER. WHAT. If I don’t it’ll eventually get me back.
Draw the line. Hold the line.

[FLLipOut]

Day 12. My skin is breaking out. I’m bloated, I can’t concentrate. I’ve battled through days that I’ve cried over every little thing. My hormones are experiencing the college life I guess....

I know these things will fade, I’ve been there before. I know I will become weak at some point, I’ve been there before. This time though- I know it’s coming and I have a plan, and this time I have incredible people here that I WILL NOT betray!

“When I crack, cuz I know I'll crack... I'm not going to give in.” ~ChickDip

Great job having a plan. Use your tools and remember to foster those relationships. We all need a helping hand from time to time.

You got my digits ankape.  Use them if you need to.  You are stronger than you think though and I know you will prevail.

It sucks but the great thing is you only have to go through this hell ONCE as long as you keep nic out of your body.  Sunnier skies ahead, girl, I promise.