Hidden habit

[CTF]

Day 280
Thinking back to that day when I first read Tom and Jenny Kern’s story. Wow. I am forever grateful for the strength of the Kern family to share this story. I’d hopped on the internet looking for some motivation and, man, I found it. I was scared, sad, mad and just totally done with this addiction. Ready to do whatever it took to quit for good, I signed up. Ok, before I found this site, I would search the internet for things like how rare cancer is and statistics on how nicotine in itself really isn’t so bad...yeah, maybe I could use the tobacco-free stuff (aka waste $5 a can to keep the addiction lit until I inevitably went back to tobacco)... right? anything...damn, I worked really, really hard at justifying my addiction. Then, I read Jenny Kern‘s words, “it doesn’t matter how rare cancer is if you’re the one who gets it.” Done. I instantly saw my kids and family and the pain that would come with that for them. I was done. Then, I hung around...people kept saying, “you have to quit for you and only you.” Well...I just didn’t get that. My mind went, “Do we ever really do anything in life for just ourselves?” I don’t know...Well, recently I had this…”moment”, I guess. I pulled up to a stop sign across from a C-store and there, as I looked across, I felt like my mind was so different than it had ever been before. I truly didn’t want it. Not at all. Hard to explain. Different. Not because of my fear of cancer. Not because it is expensive. Not because it stains my teeth or any of the hundred other reasons I could list off to talk myself out of it...this time I was just content. I didn’t want to waste another moment of my life on it. I quit for me. I quit for this life and people that I love. I quit today- simply for, if nothing more, the quality of today.

Damn. I read this and thought Holy Crap that's my story. Thanks @ankape you put it in words better than I ever could.

Stay Strong

[ankape]

Day 280
Thinking back to that day when I first read Tom and Jenny Kern’s story. Wow. I am forever grateful for the strength of the Kern family to share this story. I’d hopped on the internet looking for some motivation and, man, I found it. I was scared, sad, mad and just totally done with this addiction. Ready to do whatever it took to quit for good, I signed up. Ok, before I found this site, I would search the internet for things like how rare cancer is and statistics on how nicotine in itself really isn’t so bad...yeah, maybe I could use the tobacco-free stuff (aka waste $5 a can to keep the addiction lit until I inevitably went back to tobacco)... right? anything...damn, I worked really, really hard at justifying my addiction. Then, I read Jenny Kern‘s words, “it doesn’t matter how rare cancer is if you’re the one who gets it.” Done. I instantly saw my kids and family and the pain that would come with that for them. I was done. Then, I hung around...people kept saying, “you have to quit for you and only you.” Well...I just didn’t get that. My mind went, “Do we ever really do anything in life for just ourselves?” I don’t know...Well, recently I had this…”moment”, I guess. I pulled up to a stop sign across from a C-store and there, as I looked across, I felt like my mind was so different than it had ever been before. I truly didn’t want it. Not at all. Hard to explain. Different. Not because of my fear of cancer. Not because it is expensive. Not because it stains my teeth or any of the hundred other reasons I could list off to talk myself out of it...this time I was just content. I didn’t want to waste another moment of my life on it. I quit for me. I quit for this life and people that I love. I quit today- simply for, if nothing more, the quality of today.

[olcpo]

I’ve always hated asking for help…apparently writing to nobody in particular is the easiest way for me. I knew I had to do something because I could feel myself falling into that pattern that has led me to failure in the past.
I recently found this article that talks about relapse happening in phases. Many of you probably know this stuff, but I didn’t. There’s so much I didn’t know I didn’t know. A while back a friend shared similar info with me which is why I knew to go looking and found this one. For me, this explains exactly what has happened in my previous attempts. Difference is...before, I didn’t talk to anyone...ever...I didn’t understand what was happening when these intense emotions struck, I just tried to plow through. I’m so thankful to have this site, the incredible friends I’ve made and the huge knowledge that’s available here.

Thanks, Ankape! This is amazing stuff, almost spooky. "who's been in my head...?" Thanks so much for sharing. This needs to be pinned up somewhere so all can see. It really nails the "honeymoon's over Blues". Thanks Lady!

[EXBEARHAG]

Thanks for posting that link Ankape.  Makes sense of some of the things happening in my life.  As always, grateful to have you on my side.  HTL
~HAG

[Thefranks5]

Thank you @ankape This has been an interesting ride for me with all my difficulties. It is true that we can pull strength from others and then strengthen others at the same time. Thank you again as if those who have not gone before the path would never have been paved. God bless you and IQWYT!!

[Athan]

I’ve always hated asking for help…apparently writing to nobody in particular is the easiest way for me. I knew I had to do something because I could feel myself falling into that pattern that has led me to failure in the past.
I recently found this article that talks about relapse happening in phases. Many of you probably know this stuff, but I didn’t. There’s so much I didn’t know I didn’t know. A while back a friend shared similar info with me which is why I knew to go looking and found this one. For me, this explains exactly what has happened in my previous attempts. Difference is...before, I didn’t talk to anyone...ever...I didn’t understand what was happening when these intense emotions struck, I just tried to plow through. I’m so thankful to have this site, the incredible friends I’ve made and the huge knowledge that’s available here.

Thanks so much for sharing the article. WildIrish317 has a similar one in his thread as well. Sure does help to have a road map. Thanks again superstar!

[ankape]

I’ve always hated asking for help…apparently writing to nobody in particular is the easiest way for me. I knew I had to do something because I could feel myself falling into that pattern that has led me to failure in the past.
I recently found this article that talks about relapse happening in phases. Many of you probably know this stuff, but I didn’t. There’s so much I didn’t know I didn’t know. A while back a friend shared similar info with me which is why I knew to go looking and found this one. For me, this explains exactly what has happened in my previous attempts. Difference is...before, I didn’t talk to anyone...ever...I didn’t understand what was happening when these intense emotions struck, I just tried to plow through. I’m so thankful to have this site, the incredible friends I’ve made and the huge knowledge that’s available here.

[chris2alaska]

@ankape ,

I know you've heard it a thousand times, "It does get better".  It really does get better but you have some big hurdles to get through first.  There are still some bad funks coming your way, especially between 600-700 days.  I think I was completely depressed through that entire hundred day stretch.  But since then, it has been smooth sailing with only small little hiccups along the way just to remind me that I am not ever cured.

Never missing a day posting my promise and always having someone available to talk to if needed is what got me through the worst part of my quit.

You are a strong individual and nicotine is will not beat you.  You have the backing of a thousand quitters at your disposal.  Lean on us as we have and will lean on you.

[stillbrewing]

@Ankape
I started looking through my beginning posts at KTC.  I did so because I really didn't remember much and most of it seemed to be a blur...panic, anxiety, and just all the BS that comes with withdrawal.  You were the very first person who responded to my very first intro post.  I just want to say thank you because it let me know that I wasn't alone in a very difficult time.  218 days later here we are...

[ankape]

@ankape  I just got done reading your thread. Stay strong as you got this and you will win. I understand your struggles all to well and found even more inspiration for myself. I battled for 4 straight months of feeling like total garbage and it was the the grace and strength of God that got me thru. I am a 30 plus year addict to nicotine and I compare it to a really bad marriage. Once we accept the fact that we need out is when the battle starts. Like an abusive spouse the nicotine does not let us go easy. I pray everyday for strength to win this battle for all of us, from the founder @chewie all the way done to the person who just posted day 1. I know its the vets that helped me along and I am forever grateful and I consider you a vet.  Thank you, thank you, thank you for your thread as I know that we are all in this together. Keep fighting, stay safe, stay string and God bless you.

QUIT FOREVER 3/5/2020

Wow, @Thefranks5. No doubt, the best thing that has happened for me because I joined this site is understanding that I will never be cured. It does get better. Much better. The vast majority of my life is SO much better without that poison. BUT sometimes that pendulum swings. Those addict mind games are real and it is those crucial moments that I (and apparently ~14k other addicts) need some help, support, tough love, kind words, but mostly to see that we aren’t alone.

[EXBEARHAG]

Day 252
I’ve kept thinking over the past couple months “it’s just a funk...it’ll pass'’ I’ve had good days and hard days but it’s been just slowly building. I'm honestly forcing myself to write this because I'm sure I’ll need it again later…
Today I hit a tipping point. Exhausted, stressed, weeks of cravings. It felt like the harder I tried to push through -the worse it got. Today...it hit me really hard (I’ve never admitted to anxiety before which was likely part of my problem). I texted for a CAB level of help...then I sat there for a bit, trying to respond. After about the 7th time erasing it because everything I started to say just sounded like a whiny little bitch... I got totally pissed! I hit the trail on my bike and sweated it out until the turkey vultures were circling (they really did...I can’t make that up). Truly, looking back at my past attempts to quit- I can see that without my promise, today could have gone either way. I’m so thankful for all of you that have given your time for me. I respect you too much to break.

Thanks for sharing that ankape.  I think I know how you feel.  Just when I think I may be making some headway, I slump for a day, week, month...  Lately I've had to remind myself of the first week of my quit when I read everything I could get my eyes on on this site.  I recall reading that this battle sometimes takes 2+ years for some to get over the "hump"...and the battle stretches on really for life.  I think I may be one of those addicts that may take 2+ years to get over the suck...but I did this to myself...I knew what I was doing...this is my battle to fight.

The anxiety sucks!  The only thing we can do is put one foot in front of the other.  I can't go back.  I'm too young and my family needs me too much.  Thus I have no choice.  The gals and guys that have been here for awhile say it gets MUCH better...they have not lied to me yet.  We need to hang on until we get there.  Shoulder to shoulder girl.  What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger.  Please reach out if things get unbearable.

Hold the line

~HAG

[Thefranks5]

@ankape  I just got done reading your thread. Stay strong as you got this and you will win. I understand your struggles all to well and found even more inspiration for myself. I battled for 4 straight months of feeling like total garbage and it was the the grace and strength of God that got me thru. I am a 30 plus year addict to nicotine and I compare it to a really bad marriage. Once we accept the fact that we need out is when the battle starts. Like an abusive spouse the nicotine does not let us go easy. I pray everyday for strength to win this battle for all of us, from the founder @chewie all the way done to the person who just posted day 1. I know its the vets that helped me along and I am forever grateful and I consider you a vet.  Thank you, thank you, thank you for your thread as I know that we are all in this together. Keep fighting, stay safe, stay string and God bless you.

QUIT FOREVER 3/5/2020

[FLLipOut]

Day 252
I’ve kept thinking over the past couple months “it’s just a funk...it’ll pass'’ I’ve had good days and hard days but it’s been just slowly building. I'm honestly forcing myself to write this because I'm sure I’ll need it again later…
Today I hit a tipping point. Exhausted, stressed, weeks of cravings. It felt like the harder I tried to push through -the worse it got. Today...it hit me really hard (I’ve never admitted to anxiety before which was likely part of my problem). I texted for a CAB level of help...then I sat there for a bit, trying to respond. After about the 7th time erasing it because everything I started to say just sounded like a whiny little bitch... I got totally pissed! I hit the trail on my bike and sweated it out until the turkey vultures were circling (they really did...I can’t make that up). Truly, looking back at my past attempts to quit- I can see that without my promise, today could have gone either way. I’m so thankful for all of you that have given your time for me. I respect you too much to break.

Proud of you, Kaper!  You are a Steel Magnolia, girl. 

This.  This is why we stress that people stick around after HOF. 

[ankape]

Day 252
I’ve kept thinking over the past couple months “it’s just a funk...it’ll pass'’ I’ve had good days and hard days but it’s been just slowly building. I'm honestly forcing myself to write this because I'm sure I’ll need it again later…
Today I hit a tipping point. Exhausted, stressed, weeks of cravings. It felt like the harder I tried to push through -the worse it got. Today...it hit me really hard (I’ve never admitted to anxiety before which was likely part of my problem). I texted for a CAB level of help...then I sat there for a bit, trying to respond. After about the 7th time erasing it because everything I started to say just sounded like a whiny little bitch... I got totally pissed! I hit the trail on my bike and sweated it out until the turkey vultures were circling (they really did...I can’t make that up). Truly, looking back at my past attempts to quit- I can see that without my promise, today could have gone either way. I’m so thankful for all of you that have given your time for me. I respect you too much to break.

[ChickDip]

My goal isn’t to be able to breeze through my days and never think about my addiction. Everyday I’m around people dipping. It’s everywhere and it always will be. So will my addiction. My goal is to change how I think about it. My goal is to do whatever it takes, every day, to not allow any romanticizing of it.
  The last time I attempted to quit before KTC, I kept an unopened can in my normal hiding spot. Now, I’m not saying that’s a good method or a smart thing to do, but I do know why it worked for me for a while. It was because every day I looked at it and reminded myself of the reasons I didn’t want it. Over a year or so, it sat in that bag.  I finally decided it was pointless to keep it anymore. Besides, it had to have been all dried out.
     Well...maybe it was a coincidence, but it seems pretty ironic that only a few months later, I fell into my slow progression of romanticizing and eventually forgetting why I worked so hard. Now, I have people to remind me in case I forget. Thank you to all who post with me, message me, text with me, call me. I am truly grateful.

I love this post because there are so many who romance the thought..the weed..the nic.
Change the way you think about it.
We used to think it was our friend. Read the following as well.
Girl, you have the mind right. That's powerful. I'm with you on this. ❤

https://ktcforum.org/index.php?topic=2330.0