Day one

[olcpo]

Day 17 - A clear head this morning for which I am grateful. Going to work in the machine shop today, which is always good work and I look forward to it. Another good day in the offing.

I am struck by the triage and all-hands-on-deck FOR the people who have caved. The way that the pillars of this community rally to the aid of those that give in to the addiction. I was left with a fear of "there but by the grace of God go I". I am only 17 days into this quit. The pain of the withdrawals are fresh. The awareness of potential trip hazards is acute. The knowledge being gained about this addiction is new and encouraging. The personalities of this forum are new, intriguing and amazing. The raw humanness of this path we now choose to walk is shared yet unique, personal yet through our daily promise property of a community.

In all cases, those returning or feigning a re-commitment to the principles of KTC got complacent. The honeymoon was over, not so new and shiny anymore. Scar tissue formed, covering up the memory of the withdrawals, the fear of that new mouth sore, the unexplained sore throat, the fear of running out, the guilt. Some externality encroached pushing back the fragile safeguards we build to keep the addiction at bay. Those safeguards, not maintained and nurtured, become weak and useless as the insidious demon/addiction so patiently lurks on the perimeter waiting for their invitation to return. That invitation is MY choosing to allow the crap back in. My Choice. I write this so IF I EVER... I can come back here and read, hopefully remembering the freshness of the quit and strength of resolve on Day 17.

Fear is good as long as it is kept in it's place, not allowed to control but to remind. To heighten awareness of potential hazards. Hence the term God-Fearing, if I ever consider..., the good fear/reminder of the negative consequences of that choice PREVENTS...

More self talk here. Feels good to get it down, sort off my chest. I keep a note pad by my bed. When I have annoying brain-won't-shut-off nights, I sit up and write down the things I am thinking or afraid I will forget. Something sub-somewhere lets me go to sleep, having dealt that which kept me awake.

Later  Olcpo

[Keith0617]

Day 16 - Another good day. Stayed busy, didn't eat too much (yet). I'm hoping the "good" continues. I figured out a trigger I hadn't counted on. My oldest daughter. She can push buttons like no other. She called this morning and after a short grunt session, I can't get a word in edgewise so I grunt and listen to her blather, I was reaching for the phony mint chew. Caught me flatfooted. Got rid of it, lesson learned. Now she called back and is scheduling a conference call tonight (8pm mst) regarding my grandson. Never know with her, drama and dumping her crap on someone else is her specialty. "I have a problem. What are you going to do about it?"  We will see what this stirs up.

Not excited about being spun up and trying to go to bed. What this tells me is I have a long ways to go. All of the chew I sucked on never fixed any of her crap before. NO ONE is worth losing MY quit over. She may win other battles, but this is a hill I choose to die on.

I will be back on this post. Getting more riled the more I think. I sense I will need to blather myself on this one. Olcpo - over

You could always NOT answer the phone. 

I hadn't thought of that... hmmm

How’d the call go?  Hopefully not as bad as you expected?

@AndyCan  It never happened, supposedly she is to call today. It's never over, like so many things in this life. Thank you for asking, Andy.

Sounds hard. However, remember the one thing you can control is what you put in your mouth. 1 problem + nicotine equals 2 problems. Always here. PM me if I can help.

[olcpo]

Day 16 - Another good day. Stayed busy, didn't eat too much (yet). I'm hoping the "good" continues. I figured out a trigger I hadn't counted on. My oldest daughter. She can push buttons like no other. She called this morning and after a short grunt session, I can't get a word in edgewise so I grunt and listen to her blather, I was reaching for the phony mint chew. Caught me flatfooted. Got rid of it, lesson learned. Now she called back and is scheduling a conference call tonight (8pm mst) regarding my grandson. Never know with her, drama and dumping her crap on someone else is her specialty. "I have a problem. What are you going to do about it?"  We will see what this stirs up.

Not excited about being spun up and trying to go to bed. What this tells me is I have a long ways to go. All of the chew I sucked on never fixed any of her crap before. NO ONE is worth losing MY quit over. She may win other battles, but this is a hill I choose to die on.

I will be back on this post. Getting more riled the more I think. I sense I will need to blather myself on this one. Olcpo - over

You could always NOT answer the phone. 

I hadn't thought of that... hmmm

How’d the call go?  Hopefully not as bad as you expected?

@AndyCan  It never happened, supposedly she is to call today. It's never over, like so many things in this life. Thank you for asking, Andy.

[AndyCan]

Day 16 - Another good day. Stayed busy, didn't eat too much (yet). I'm hoping the "good" continues. I figured out a trigger I hadn't counted on. My oldest daughter. She can push buttons like no other. She called this morning and after a short grunt session, I can't get a word in edgewise so I grunt and listen to her blather, I was reaching for the phony mint chew. Caught me flatfooted. Got rid of it, lesson learned. Now she called back and is scheduling a conference call tonight (8pm mst) regarding my grandson. Never know with her, drama and dumping her crap on someone else is her specialty. "I have a problem. What are you going to do about it?"  We will see what this stirs up.

Not excited about being spun up and trying to go to bed. What this tells me is I have a long ways to go. All of the chew I sucked on never fixed any of her crap before. NO ONE is worth losing MY quit over. She may win other battles, but this is a hill I choose to die on.

I will be back on this post. Getting more riled the more I think. I sense I will need to blather myself on this one. Olcpo - over

You could always NOT answer the phone. 

I hadn't thought of that... hmmm

How’d the call go?  Hopefully not as bad as you expected?

[olcpo]

Day 16 - Another good day. Stayed busy, didn't eat too much (yet). I'm hoping the "good" continues. I figured out a trigger I hadn't counted on. My oldest daughter. She can push buttons like no other. She called this morning and after a short grunt session, I can't get a word in edgewise so I grunt and listen to her blather, I was reaching for the phony mint chew. Caught me flatfooted. Got rid of it, lesson learned. Now she called back and is scheduling a conference call tonight (8pm mst) regarding my grandson. Never know with her, drama and dumping her crap on someone else is her specialty. "I have a problem. What are you going to do about it?"  We will see what this stirs up.

Not excited about being spun up and trying to go to bed. What this tells me is I have a long ways to go. All of the chew I sucked on never fixed any of her crap before. NO ONE is worth losing MY quit over. She may win other battles, but this is a hill I choose to die on.

I will be back on this post. Getting more riled the more I think. I sense I will need to blather myself on this one. Olcpo - over

You could always NOT answer the phone. 

I hadn't thought of that... hmmm

[chris2alaska]

Day 16 - Another good day. Stayed busy, didn't eat too much (yet). I'm hoping the "good" continues. I figured out a trigger I hadn't counted on. My oldest daughter. She can push buttons like no other. She called this morning and after a short grunt session, I can't get a word in edgewise so I grunt and listen to her blather, I was reaching for the phony mint chew. Caught me flatfooted. Got rid of it, lesson learned. Now she called back and is scheduling a conference call tonight (8pm mst) regarding my grandson. Never know with her, drama and dumping her crap on someone else is her specialty. "I have a problem. What are you going to do about it?"  We will see what this stirs up.

Not excited about being spun up and trying to go to bed. What this tells me is I have a long ways to go. All of the chew I sucked on never fixed any of her crap before. NO ONE is worth losing MY quit over. She may win other battles, but this is a hill I choose to die on.

I will be back on this post. Getting more riled the more I think. I sense I will need to blather myself on this one. Olcpo - over

You could always NOT answer the phone. 

[olcpo]

Day 16 - Another good day. Stayed busy, didn't eat too much (yet). I'm hoping the "good" continues. I figured out a trigger I hadn't counted on. My oldest daughter. She can push buttons like no other. She called this morning and after a short grunt session, I can't get a word in edgewise so I grunt and listen to her blather, I was reaching for the phony mint chew. Caught me flatfooted. Got rid of it, lesson learned. Now she called back and is scheduling a conference call tonight (8pm mst) regarding my grandson. Never know with her, drama and dumping her crap on someone else is her specialty. "I have a problem. What are you going to do about it?"  We will see what this stirs up.

Not excited about being spun up and trying to go to bed. What this tells me is I have a long ways to go. All of the chew I sucked on never fixed any of her crap before. NO ONE is worth losing MY quit over. She may win other battles, but this is a hill I choose to die on.

I will be back on this post. Getting more riled the more I think. I sense I will need to blather myself on this one. Olcpo - over

[olcpo]

Day 15 - A good day. Started busy and stayed that way. I retired 3 years ago July. I am as busy as I want to be. I have a few friends I work far as they need help. Today I exercised harder than usual, felt good, made it work. Not sure about moving tomorrow,  but we will see. Wound up helping a friend this afternoon for a few hours. I say all this to share that - The lack of a fatty in my lip was not an issue today. No brain games. Everything worked. The thought of the crap crossed my mind 3 times and was quickly disparaged, almost laughed at, and gone. So as you all have said It does get better, the brain stuff gets less and LIFE (clean without poison in my face) goes on. I am celebrating a good day and will remember this the next whiner day I have. The cows waved as I drove by. they seemed disappointed I didn't stop to "talk" to them.
Thanks KTC. All you have said to expect has happened, Good and Bad. Also as you have said "the good outweighs the bad". ODAAT and tomorrow is a new day.
Olcpo - out

[olcpo]

Day 13 - Kind of a rough one. Started out good, slept ok for not exercising yesterday. Had nice slow start getting ready for church. Got to church and I was on edge. Reminded me of when I was steroids for a knee. Everything amplified, intense, any little noise loud and distracting, most comfortable with eyes closed, tense across the forehead, almost vibrating. No blow ups I was good. Prayed a lot, kept my mouth shut, closed my eyes, sensory overload. Made it home, ate still felt raunchy.

Had to go to neighbors for a Christmas thing, more social nicey-nice, I want to crawl in a hole. Made it through, still feel like crap. Everything aches, joints, back... Tomorrow is another day. Feels like everyday is a crap shoot as to how I am going to feel...Time will tell. When does it quit being a tobacco problem and becomes a me problem?
Olcpo - out

It’s different for everyone.   You should start having better days soon.  As I recall things improved that third week of quit.  Stay strong, it will get better.

Nomore is right.  It’s highly individual.  I think what most quitters would tell you though is that the bad days continue to become less frequent and less severe (at least physically speaking).  I still have mental challenges and have had funks some days (even in the 200s or 300s), longing for a dip, for the freedom to be able to enjoy that again.  It hits usually when I’m bored or in a bad mood or both.  But, I have the tools and the knowledge I’ve gained on KTC and from other quitters to know that’s just my addiction trying to gain some advantage in my mind, trying to take hold somewhere so when I do have that REALLY bad day or REALLY good day, maybe just maybe I’ll have let my guard down so much that I give in and do the dumbest thing I possibly could. 

So that’s where my attention turns to on those days or those moments where I might feel it’s unfair that I can’t enjoy a dip of snuff again.  I find comfort that I have guys and gals supporting my quit, that my daily promise means something, that I have to set an example for other guys that come up with me and behind me.  The days quit will add up and most may not mean much to you.  So celebrate hard the ones that do mean something, the milestones, the rough days where you were strong enough to not give in, the days where other quitters needed your help, the days where you needed theirs. 

Keep quitting for today and we’ll do the same with you Kevin.

@AndyCan @Nomore1959 reading back through... Thanks again for this Post. It really hits home this Morning. Looks like the sun is going to shine today (been a few w/o) So I am declaring a good day and will fight to make it so. I hope the same for you. PTQWYT

[EXBEARHAG]

Keep pouring it out olcpo.  I have found that nothing helps me more than writing down how I'm feeling.  Sometimes it's the only thing that helps.  Furthermore, you're helping folks who are reading your experience.  I know bc I'm one of them.

You're doing great man.  Keep that perspective and you'll be good.  One day!  You can push through almost anything for one day.  Repeat.  And eventually, they tell me, it gets easier. 

PTBQWYT my friend.

[olcpo]

Day 14 -  I waited until this evening to write this stuff out. Much better today, almost tired from the intensity of yesterday. Had more to do today that didn't involve social junk. Always been a loner, at least content or comfortable when alone, only child. So today was refreshing. And I felt better. I find it interesting the scale and intensity of emotion and the physical and mental variation showing up. I don't do zombie stuff, but I feel like a recovering zombie who gave my brains to a can of tobacco, now suddenly I have my brains back and there are times I'm not sure if I want them. I know I don't want the tobacco back, but the brains are a little intense at times. Whoaaa Dude

We will see what tomorrow brings. I appreciate all of the comments and support. It makes all of the difference.

[Athan]

Day 13 - Kind of a rough one. Started out good, slept ok for not exercising yesterday. Had nice slow start getting ready for church. Got to church and I was on edge. Reminded me of when I was steroids for a knee. Everything amplified, intense, any little noise loud and distracting, most comfortable with eyes closed, tense across the forehead, almost vibrating. No blow ups I was good. Prayed a lot, kept my mouth shut, closed my eyes, sensory overload. Made it home, ate still felt raunchy.

Had to go to neighbors for a Christmas thing, more social nicey-nice, I want to crawl in a hole. Made it through, still feel like crap. Everything aches, joints, back... Tomorrow is another day. Feels like everyday is a crap shoot as to how I am going to feel...Time will tell. When does it quit being a tobacco problem and becomes a me problem?
Olcpo - out

Geeeez I'm so glad you're blogging this out.  I remember those first three weeks well now. Darn near ground my teeth to powder. Yeah, man. It does get better. AND - you never have to repeat it if you choose not to.

[AndyCan]

Day 13 - Kind of a rough one. Started out good, slept ok for not exercising yesterday. Had nice slow start getting ready for church. Got to church and I was on edge. Reminded me of when I was steroids for a knee. Everything amplified, intense, any little noise loud and distracting, most comfortable with eyes closed, tense across the forehead, almost vibrating. No blow ups I was good. Prayed a lot, kept my mouth shut, closed my eyes, sensory overload. Made it home, ate still felt raunchy.

Had to go to neighbors for a Christmas thing, more social nicey-nice, I want to crawl in a hole. Made it through, still feel like crap. Everything aches, joints, back... Tomorrow is another day. Feels like everyday is a crap shoot as to how I am going to feel...Time will tell. When does it quit being a tobacco problem and becomes a me problem?
Olcpo - out

It’s different for everyone.   You should start having better days soon.  As I recall things improved that third week of quit.  Stay strong, it will get better.

Nomore is right.  It’s highly individual.  I think what most quitters would tell you though is that the bad days continue to become less frequent and less severe (at least physically speaking).  I still have mental challenges and have had funks some days (even in the 200s or 300s), longing for a dip, for the freedom to be able to enjoy that again.  It hits usually when I’m bored or in a bad mood or both.  But, I have the tools and the knowledge I’ve gained on KTC and from other quitters to know that’s just my addiction trying to gain some advantage in my mind, trying to take hold somewhere so when I do have that REALLY bad day or REALLY good day, maybe just maybe I’ll have let my guard down so much that I give in and do the dumbest thing I possibly could. 

So that’s where my attention turns to on those days or those moments where I might feel it’s unfair that I can’t enjoy a dip of snuff again.  I find comfort that I have guys and gals supporting my quit, that my daily promise means something, that I have to set an example for other guys that come up with me and behind me.  The days quit will add up and most may not mean much to you.  So celebrate hard the ones that do mean something, the milestones, the rough days where you were strong enough to not give in, the days where other quitters needed your help, the days where you needed theirs. 

Keep quitting for today and we’ll do the same with you Kevin. 

[Nomore1959]

Day 13 - Kind of a rough one. Started out good, slept ok for not exercising yesterday. Had nice slow start getting ready for church. Got to church and I was on edge. Reminded me of when I was steroids for a knee. Everything amplified, intense, any little noise loud and distracting, most comfortable with eyes closed, tense across the forehead, almost vibrating. No blow ups I was good. Prayed a lot, kept my mouth shut, closed my eyes, sensory overload. Made it home, ate still felt raunchy.

Had to go to neighbors for a Christmas thing, more social nicey-nice, I want to crawl in a hole. Made it through, still feel like crap. Everything aches, joints, back... Tomorrow is another day. Feels like everyday is a crap shoot as to how I am going to feel...Time will tell. When does it quit being a tobacco problem and becomes a me problem?
Olcpo - out

It’s different for everyone.   You should start having better days soon.  As I recall things improved that third week of quit.  Stay strong, it will get better.

[olcpo]

Day 13 - Kind of a rough one. Started out good, slept ok for not exercising yesterday. Had nice slow start getting ready for church. Got to church and I was on edge. Reminded me of when I was steroids for a knee. Everything amplified, intense, any little noise loud and distracting, most comfortable with eyes closed, tense across the forehead, almost vibrating. No blow ups I was good. Prayed a lot, kept my mouth shut, closed my eyes, sensory overload. Made it home, ate still felt raunchy.

Had to go to neighbors for a Christmas thing, more social nicey-nice, I want to crawl in a hole. Made it through, still feel like crap. Everything aches, joints, back... Tomorrow is another day. Feels like everyday is a crap shoot as to how I am going to feel...Time will tell. When does it quit being a tobacco problem and becomes a me problem?
Olcpo - out