Long one but if it helps one person then I am successful. Since I chewed for over 30 years one thing that has been with me since I quit has been the feeling that I am in mourning. I told my wife I feel like I have lost a close friend of over 30 years and am mourning my loss. So to help me with my quit I started using fake stuff and seeds. I used smokey mountain the most and baccoff occasionally which leads me to where I am at. As some of you know I was diagnosed with silent reflux and if you don't know what it is please research it as it could be a great wartime tool as it brought me to my knees. With that reflux you get a very very sore throat and voice box which can take months to heal. But in order to heal you have to eliminate what causes the reflux and pain. Well by my account I thought I was doing well but still dealt with throat/voicebox and ear issues, like I said research it. So by using my ever so small and thick man brain I have come to realize two things. 1- I used just as much fake as I did the real stuff and 2- smokey mountain has cayenne powder and baccoff has vinegar. Two very great ingredients to give you that burn you so are looking for in your lip but also dries out your mouth, throat and on down to your gut and can actually cause damage to you. I ended up using so much during the course of the day that I would feel like I did a hot wing challenge and needed an ice bath. So by using that I was just aggravating my reflux and not being healed.
Back to my initial thought, yes in my head I felt like I lost a friend (well I am an addict). I replaced that with fake which helped but just did not do the trick. I remember in the last month prior to my quit I would stick a chew in and spit it out 10 minutes later to just do it all over again. I did not want that chew but my brain craved it so bad that I would keep going so guess what happened next. Yup I ended up doing the same thing with fake, first thing before making coffee a fake lip, then to the toilet, grab coffee on way back and log in and post my promise. Finished a service call at work popped a fakey, finished eating popped a fakey, had to poop popped a fakey (sorry about that one girls). Sick story isn't it? I went right back to living like my old addict self using the fake stuff. So I finally got enough spark to lite that candle in my head I realized it. I thought I needed the fake stuff to get thru life and was really just fooling and screwing myself up even more. This quit is so much mental even in the late stages that it can really mess you up. Why would I still feel like I was in mourning, its not like somebody died and left me but that is what my brain was telling me. So today I am putting a close on that chapter and rewriting my brain. Starting today you will see a second number next to my day count. That is my 2nd day count for the fake stuff and you will see a new promise. NNTOFS- No Nicotine Today Or Fake Stuff as that is what I think I will need to conquer this beast. I never realized what I was doing until my wife said to me on Saturday "you use that fake stuff as a warm blanket". So as usual I give my wife buckets of credit for pointing out what was in front of my face. Pretty sad to think that I was helping others while falling right back into the same old pattern. I want to apologize to anybody who might think less of me and I deserve it but this is where we change.
So I would like to know
1- is this what some of you are feeling (maybe some can relate)
2- do you also feel like your in mourning (adds to my anxiety/depression issues)
3- did you use fake and for how long (250 days for me)
4- physically how you feeling, any new things that quitting helped you find (Mine was silent reflux which I had for years but never new what caused the symptoms I had)
5- did anybody utilize meds? (I had the prescription filled and in my hand but never used it)
Answer them if you want (be nice please) but I am just curious as I have dealt with a whole slew of issues from quitting that were not there before. I can understand the cavers mentality as I was theoretically caving using the fake stuff. I have so many people to thank but the biggest would be the Lord for allowing me another chance to quit, my wife for just dealing with a complete basket case of a husband, everybody at KTC as you are now family to me. Never thought that a bunch of strangers would help me like they did. Especially want to thank
@GS9502 for welcoming me into the Renegades at 78 days in, you sir have made a difference,
@stillbrewing a fellow keystone state quitter who I know has my back.
@MuleMan another fellow keystone state guy who helped me become a conductor,
@Whatsupsnapper dude if you only knew how much you have helped me and truly are a brutha from another mutha and to all the rest who have helped me along the way. Proud to be quit with each and every one of you today and honored to be part of the family. Thank you again.
