Hey,
Quit on July 2nd, 2021. (Or July 1st at ~6pm, but I'm lazy and need easy counting). So 6 days today.
I've taken 1 break before, I'm going to include that for myself, and anybody in the future. All the old intros and hof's helped me the first time, but I never signed up for the full experience. I've always been an introvert, I've learned to "fake it until I make it", but even today try not to put it out there so...
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1st Break (Sep 28, 2017-March 16, 2018) - As a Lurker/Guest only
I've taken a break before, and lurked here before during that time, it helped a lot to read what everyone else was going through or had gone through, and I stopped for about 6months. I remember having a hell of a fog. For the first while.
In journal date:
2017.09.30
I wrote "...it feels like I've had a beer or two (mentally), but no physical effect. It seems quieter and less agitated..."
2017.10.28
"Day 30... Internal war to tell myself to fuckoff. I only wish my brain could focus..." and mention being done with Altoids.
2017.11.22
"Been thinking about my first dip... picked up a can of grizzly natural pouches while waiting for brothers... made me dizzy as hell, and then sick. Pretty sure i on convinced myself by claiming it was an experiment, no way tobacco was that addictive. ... Weeks wen ton and it was because I needed more data for my experiment." I have an aunt that smoked that I used to bug to quit smoking because it can't be hard, just do x or y (internet advised ecigs at the time or something.. probably right at the start of them), that wasn't exactly the first time... that happened later in college. This was the last mention of quitting in 2017.
2018.03.16
"Welp today I bought a can of Copenhagen... 170 days w/o nicotine. I will quit after this trip. Stupid how easy that first pinch was to put in..." Yeah I didn't quit after that trip... What a dumbass. The second 'first dip' is what I remember more than the original. I was at a competition for college, went a few days before everyone else because I was part time employed by the college. May have contributed slightly going from a room to myself to sharing a room, not really sure I didn't write too much. I do remember immediately feeling sick on opening the 1st can back, thinking how the fuck can I put this in my mouth? Closed the can. Then for whatever reason opened it threw one in again, maybe thinking it'd be the best thing in the world like I've always dreamed, felt sick like a virgin all over again, came close to throwing up. Almost threw the can away, but it felt so natural to pocket it.
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2021.07.07
Day 6 - zav3nd.
No nicotine again, today. It doesn't seem as bad as I recall, maybe I've gone through it before. Maybe because I'm not over the phone mostly I'm not as angry. I know last time I felt like I was always being an asshole to anybody. This time there have been a couple times I've been heated but it doesn't seem to register on either side. Today was mostly fine, I dipped all the time, most of the time a dip came out, one went right back in. I was a 98% of a can a day, one or two micropinches left over usually to get me by in the morning. My usage increased immediately and drastically after that 2nd "first pinch" back in 2018, cans used to last me a week, then a couple days.
Triggers at this point seem pointless to outline for me: wake up, got to work, 1st job @ work, driving to next job, 2nd job @ work, driving to 3rd job, etc. drive home....
My story has probably been here before, and will be here again. I'm an addict (idiot too probably since I couldn't stay stopped). Reading through my old writings (and duplicated the 'meat' here so maybe others have somewhat of a timeline). I realize either I haven't reached my fog or this time is different. Either way last time I didn't stick to it, so I can't count on this time being anything different.
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I wont go back.
-Zach
