16 years later, I quit

[BigRedDog]

Day 96, folks are in town for a couple days. Therapy has me realin a bit. Not a bad thing just, my entire perspective on who I was and why I am the way I am has changed so much in the past 3 months.

Im starting to understand why I am an addict, and what nicotine was actually doing. Im starting to understand that it was a drug I was hiding behind. Protecting myself from alot of shit inwasnt ready to see yet.

But it's all starting to break apart now and im starting to understand what my previous version was doing. Why it struggled so hard to function. Why for 35 years I felt so... unworthy.

Many more difficult days to go, and a bunch of repressed memories and emotions to work through.

But between this site and my therapist and a couple friends, my quit is as strong as ever.

[BigRedDog]

93 days.

94 days ago I was an active dipper, flailing away at life trying to understand why my mental state continued to worsen and why I wasnt enough.

Why I wasn't strong enough or smart enough, why I wasnt active enough or why no matter how hard I tried I could never find happiness or even peace. Why I demanded perfection of myself in every aspect of life, and then failed?

93 days

I now havent touched or bought any tobacco or can. I decided I wanted to use nothing for at least 100 days, no fake dip no substitute. In my mind, I had to prove it to myself. That I wanted this and deserved it.

I now have anxiety meds and therapy. Im starting to heal long held onto baggage and scars. Finally starting to let go of the tiniest amount of guilt and blame.

I felt the briefest moment of happiness for the first time in my life. I for the first time ever realized I was enough the entire time in that scenario. The other will come with time.

But as happy as that made me and the relief I felt, im now scared. Because who am I becoming? How do I love with the fact that I dont have that fear and guilt to shield me from everything else? How do I function?

93

[Keith0617]

89 days in now and suddenly it isnt as bad. Been a couple days without really having a craving and feeling safer in my quit than I was.

The extra assurance comes from this place, all I had to do was mention im struggling and scared and I had no shortage of people checking to make sure I made it.

It was playing tricks on my mind seeing how everybody else seemed to be alright, but then I realized we were all suffering through. We were just each having our own issue with it.

Mine was hitting me where im.the weakest. My anxiety was cranked up to 1000

Day 100 is soon, and im nervous after 100 what it will be like bug thats for future me to deal with.

As for now, day 90 us what I am focused on.

ODAAT bro. Just focus on today. We will deal with tomorow when it gets here. Keep it simple.

[BigRedDog]

89 days in now and suddenly it isnt as bad. Been a couple days without really having a craving and feeling safer in my quit than I was.

The extra assurance comes from this place, all I had to do was mention im struggling and scared and I had no shortage of people checking to make sure I made it.

It was playing tricks on my mind seeing how everybody else seemed to be alright, but then I realized we were all suffering through. We were just each having our own issue with it.

Mine was hitting me where im.the weakest. My anxiety was cranked up to 1000

Day 100 is soon, and im nervous after 100 what it will be like bug thats for future me to deal with.

As for now, day 90 us what I am focused on.

[Candoit]

This post is over a decade old. But it still mean what I said then. "That’s the burden. Like wings, they have weight. We feel that weight on our backs, but they are a burden that lifts us. Burdens that allow us to fly."
Happy to share this burden with you!

Waste I know I am a day late on this but congratulations on 1300 days quit.

Thank you for what you have done and continue to do for all of us here at KTC, I know that I would not be at this point if it was not for your support.

Watching Bones the other night I heard this quote: "That’s the burden. Like wings, they have weight. We feel that weight on our backs, but they are a burden that lifts us. Burdens that allow us to fly."

I have been thinking of how the post hall of fame funk, and the trouble it is to post everyday, help others, and leave a place better than you found it. Yes it is a burden to be quit, it is a burden to post every damn day, it is a burden to spend time here paying it forward. But these burdens are good, I will gladly carry the burden that quitting brings, because embracing the quit like you have shown me how to fly.

I am proud to share the burden of quit with you.

[BigRedDog]

Today was not a great day...first real hard-core scare that actually shook my confidence.

Day 86 and I was at work, waiting on my trailer to be unloaded and it was humid and miserable and frustrating and without even thinking there was the want, and the pat on the back right pocket and the thought of needing a pinch....

Idk if its because I've been tired this past week, and kind of run down honestly. But man, that feeling that need and the thought shook my confidence in my quit.

I know I wont cave tonight but man... im not nearly as certain as i was 12 hours ago about tomorrow. Now I continue to worry that tbis will be how it is forever

I know it wont be... but man... I thought by day 86 id be better than this...stronger, and not nearly as vulnerable to it

I was not prepared for this week to be the week that shook me, and I dont know why it is

[BigRedDog]

Day 84 and it seems both impossible that ive gone this far, and impossible its only been 84 days.

@BigRedDog the few weeks leading up to my HOF were brutal - some of the worst of my quit. Always have a plan and focus ODAAT.

Ive noticed the same issue in the past week. Its like im reliving all the initial withdrawal symptoms again and have by far the biggest cravings ive had in awhile.

[MN_Engineer]

Day 84 and it seems both impossible that ive gone this far, and impossible its only been 84 days.

@BigRedDog the few weeks leading up to my HOF were brutal - some of the worst of my quit. Always have a plan and focus ODAAT.

[BigRedDog]

Day 84 and it seems both impossible that ive gone this far, and impossible its only been 84 days.

[Keith0617]

From 09 to yesterday afternoon/evening, three cans of grizzly a day. Last time I touched it was yesterday at 6pm.

Ive had enough, sitting here feeling nauseous and irritable, but it'll be worth it eventually

Glad to see you made it over to Discord @BigRedDog. If you follow the program you will stay quit.

[BigRedDog]

From 09 to yesterday afternoon/evening, three cans of grizzly a day. Last time I touched it was yesterday at 6pm.

Ive had enough, sitting here feeling nauseous and irritable, but it'll be worth it eventually