16 years later, I quit

[MN_Engineer]

100 days. 2400 hours and counting.

What a weird day. A hell of a step forward and a personal moment I didnt think id ever have. On to day 101, standing proudly with the bastards of July 25.

Cant repay what this site and discord has done for me. Long way to go, but I look forward to celebrating every day quit with all of you.

Congrats on the HOF. Keep focusing only ODAAT and let the days add up.

Congrats on 100 man!! I've always said the HOF is a milestone worthy to be celebrated but at the end of the day, it's simply the end of the beginning. Don't lose your focus; don't get complacent. Keep stacking the days ODAAT.

[Keith0617]

100 days. 2400 hours and counting.

What a weird day. A hell of a step forward and a personal moment I didnt think id ever have. On to day 101, standing proudly with the bastards of July 25.

Cant repay what this site and discord has done for me. Long way to go, but I look forward to celebrating every day quit with all of you.

Congrats on the HOF. Keep focusing only ODAAT and let the days add up.

[BigRedDog]

100 days. 2400 hours and counting.

What a weird day. A hell of a step forward and a personal moment I didnt think id ever have. On to day 101, standing proudly with the bastards of July 25.

Cant repay what this site and discord has done for me. Long way to go, but I look forward to celebrating every day quit with all of you.

[BigRedDog]

Wo through therapy I have come to realize that part of my troubles have been from trauma from childhood...and no not like the stereotype one, but just one where when you dont connect to your own mother how that can leave a longing effect.

Dont get me wrong, she's always been a good mom. But I have chased the "approval" my entire life. Every decision I made for years and how I didnt face anything....basically I would have life happen, then decide what "should" be my reaction, and when that didnt work in my brain I failed because I wasnt enough.

Relationship fell apart? I didnt do enough
A friend ends up hurt? I didnt do enough to warn them/protect them
I dont get a promotion? I wasnt good enough at work and suck so I quit


My coping with life was not coping...it was a cycle of self defeating and self hatred tied with nicotine "making me feel better" which is why I was up sometimes over 3 cans a day....

Even today I was explaining to my parents (visiting) that I am at day 98 and have been tobacco free for the first time in 16 years...the response I get?

"Well when I quit cigarettes I just put them down and never had any withdrawal symptoms"

Like it diesnt matter...I didnt quit for her

But fuck...I still cant get a "im proud of you" no matter what i achieve in life...accepting that and learning how to understand its not my fault is a challenge

Holy shit dude, you just described my life and relationships with my parents. I can relate 100%.

Glad you are continuing to dive into these uncomfortable areas in your life. It sucks now but it provides the clarity and understanding needed for healing and renewal. Proud of you and proud to be quit with you today!

99
I think thats the part that started to kind of surprise me... talking to people I mean yea, nobody's story is exactly the same, but its all somewhat relateable... and I started realizing I wasnt addicted to nicotine because it was just so good.

I was addicted to the coping, to the shield from the bullshit it allowed me. I his behind 3 cans a day for 16 years and was working myself deeper and deeper into depression...

Every time something didnt work i just dipped a nother can and popped open a new log and ignored the shit....so much so it hospitalized me years ago

My body and mind have been speaking to me for years, I just finally listened

[MN_Engineer]

Wo through therapy I have come to realize that part of my troubles have been from trauma from childhood...and no not like the stereotype one, but just one where when you dont connect to your own mother how that can leave a longing effect.

Dont get me wrong, she's always been a good mom. But I have chased the "approval" my entire life. Every decision I made for years and how I didnt face anything....basically I would have life happen, then decide what "should" be my reaction, and when that didnt work in my brain I failed because I wasnt enough.

Relationship fell apart? I didnt do enough
A friend ends up hurt? I didnt do enough to warn them/protect them
I dont get a promotion? I wasnt good enough at work and suck so I quit


My coping with life was not coping...it was a cycle of self defeating and self hatred tied with nicotine "making me feel better" which is why I was up sometimes over 3 cans a day....

Even today I was explaining to my parents (visiting) that I am at day 98 and have been tobacco free for the first time in 16 years...the response I get?

"Well when I quit cigarettes I just put them down and never had any withdrawal symptoms"

Like it diesnt matter...I didnt quit for her

But fuck...I still cant get a "im proud of you" no matter what i achieve in life...accepting that and learning how to understand its not my fault is a challenge

Holy shit dude, you just described my life and relationships with my parents. I can relate 100%.

Glad you are continuing to dive into these uncomfortable areas in your life. It sucks now but it provides the clarity and understanding needed for healing and renewal. Proud of you and proud to be quit with you today!

[BigRedDog]

Wo through therapy I have come to realize that part of my troubles have been from trauma from childhood...and no not like the stereotype one, but just one where when you dont connect to your own mother how that can leave a longing effect.

Dont get me wrong, she's always been a good mom. But I have chased the "approval" my entire life. Every decision I made for years and how I didnt face anything....basically I would have life happen, then decide what "should" be my reaction, and when that didnt work in my brain I failed because I wasnt enough.

Relationship fell apart? I didnt do enough
A friend ends up hurt? I didnt do enough to warn them/protect them
I dont get a promotion? I wasnt good enough at work and suck so I quit


My coping with life was not coping...it was a cycle of self defeating and self hatred tied with nicotine "making me feel better" which is why I was up sometimes over 3 cans a day....

Even today I was explaining to my parents (visiting) that I am at day 98 and have been tobacco free for the first time in 16 years...the response I get?

"Well when I quit cigarettes I just put them down and never had any withdrawal symptoms"

Like it diesnt matter...I didnt quit for her

But fuck...I still cant get a "im proud of you" no matter what i achieve in life...accepting that and learning how to understand its not my fault is a challenge

[BigRedDog]

98

You know I couldnt help but think about dip yesterday. Not a craving, just more of a "if I was dipping still" moment.

Out seeing the 700 gators and feeding them and such I realized normally id throw in a pinch and be spitting into the swamp towards those gators.

How freeing it was to not have to worry about trying to sneak a pinch in around all those kids and families, and not have to worry about spitting "politely"

[MN_Engineer]

Day 96, folks are in town for a couple days. Therapy has me realin a bit. Not a bad thing just, my entire perspective on who I was and why I am the way I am has changed so much in the past 3 months.

Im starting to understand why I am an addict, and what nicotine was actually doing. Im starting to understand that it was a drug I was hiding behind. Protecting myself from alot of shit inwasnt ready to see yet.

But it's all starting to break apart now and im starting to understand what my previous version was doing. Why it struggled so hard to function. Why for 35 years I felt so... unworthy.

Many more difficult days to go, and a bunch of repressed memories and emotions to work through.

But between this site and my therapist and a couple friends, my quit is as strong as ever.

Glad to see you making progress!! I wrote this little piece on the concept of 'progress' a long time ago - check it out and maybe there is something in there that you can relate to. No Progress

In terms of the therapy, I'm happy to see you leveraging that tool. I utilized professional help as well; unfortunately, I waited too long after I quit to seek that help but alas, at least I found my way there eventually. It can be a lot to unpack but I commend you for taking the narrow path. Hang in there brother and proud to be quit with you today!

[BigRedDog]

Day 96, folks are in town for a couple days. Therapy has me realin a bit. Not a bad thing just, my entire perspective on who I was and why I am the way I am has changed so much in the past 3 months.

Im starting to understand why I am an addict, and what nicotine was actually doing. Im starting to understand that it was a drug I was hiding behind. Protecting myself from alot of shit inwasnt ready to see yet.

But it's all starting to break apart now and im starting to understand what my previous version was doing. Why it struggled so hard to function. Why for 35 years I felt so... unworthy.

Many more difficult days to go, and a bunch of repressed memories and emotions to work through.

But between this site and my therapist and a couple friends, my quit is as strong as ever.

[BigRedDog]

93 days.

94 days ago I was an active dipper, flailing away at life trying to understand why my mental state continued to worsen and why I wasnt enough.

Why I wasn't strong enough or smart enough, why I wasnt active enough or why no matter how hard I tried I could never find happiness or even peace. Why I demanded perfection of myself in every aspect of life, and then failed?

93 days

I now havent touched or bought any tobacco or can. I decided I wanted to use nothing for at least 100 days, no fake dip no substitute. In my mind, I had to prove it to myself. That I wanted this and deserved it.

I now have anxiety meds and therapy. Im starting to heal long held onto baggage and scars. Finally starting to let go of the tiniest amount of guilt and blame.

I felt the briefest moment of happiness for the first time in my life. I for the first time ever realized I was enough the entire time in that scenario. The other will come with time.

But as happy as that made me and the relief I felt, im now scared. Because who am I becoming? How do I love with the fact that I dont have that fear and guilt to shield me from everything else? How do I function?

93

[Keith0617]

89 days in now and suddenly it isnt as bad. Been a couple days without really having a craving and feeling safer in my quit than I was.

The extra assurance comes from this place, all I had to do was mention im struggling and scared and I had no shortage of people checking to make sure I made it.

It was playing tricks on my mind seeing how everybody else seemed to be alright, but then I realized we were all suffering through. We were just each having our own issue with it.

Mine was hitting me where im.the weakest. My anxiety was cranked up to 1000

Day 100 is soon, and im nervous after 100 what it will be like bug thats for future me to deal with.

As for now, day 90 us what I am focused on.

ODAAT bro. Just focus on today. We will deal with tomorow when it gets here. Keep it simple.

[BigRedDog]

89 days in now and suddenly it isnt as bad. Been a couple days without really having a craving and feeling safer in my quit than I was.

The extra assurance comes from this place, all I had to do was mention im struggling and scared and I had no shortage of people checking to make sure I made it.

It was playing tricks on my mind seeing how everybody else seemed to be alright, but then I realized we were all suffering through. We were just each having our own issue with it.

Mine was hitting me where im.the weakest. My anxiety was cranked up to 1000

Day 100 is soon, and im nervous after 100 what it will be like bug thats for future me to deal with.

As for now, day 90 us what I am focused on.

[Candoit]

This post is over a decade old. But it still mean what I said then. "That’s the burden. Like wings, they have weight. We feel that weight on our backs, but they are a burden that lifts us. Burdens that allow us to fly."
Happy to share this burden with you!

Waste I know I am a day late on this but congratulations on 1300 days quit.

Thank you for what you have done and continue to do for all of us here at KTC, I know that I would not be at this point if it was not for your support.

Watching Bones the other night I heard this quote: "That’s the burden. Like wings, they have weight. We feel that weight on our backs, but they are a burden that lifts us. Burdens that allow us to fly."

I have been thinking of how the post hall of fame funk, and the trouble it is to post everyday, help others, and leave a place better than you found it. Yes it is a burden to be quit, it is a burden to post every damn day, it is a burden to spend time here paying it forward. But these burdens are good, I will gladly carry the burden that quitting brings, because embracing the quit like you have shown me how to fly.

I am proud to share the burden of quit with you.

[BigRedDog]

Today was not a great day...first real hard-core scare that actually shook my confidence.

Day 86 and I was at work, waiting on my trailer to be unloaded and it was humid and miserable and frustrating and without even thinking there was the want, and the pat on the back right pocket and the thought of needing a pinch....

Idk if its because I've been tired this past week, and kind of run down honestly. But man, that feeling that need and the thought shook my confidence in my quit.

I know I wont cave tonight but man... im not nearly as certain as i was 12 hours ago about tomorrow. Now I continue to worry that tbis will be how it is forever

I know it wont be... but man... I thought by day 86 id be better than this...stronger, and not nearly as vulnerable to it

I was not prepared for this week to be the week that shook me, and I dont know why it is

[BigRedDog]

Day 84 and it seems both impossible that ive gone this far, and impossible its only been 84 days.

@BigRedDog the few weeks leading up to my HOF were brutal - some of the worst of my quit. Always have a plan and focus ODAAT.

Ive noticed the same issue in the past week. Its like im reliving all the initial withdrawal symptoms again and have by far the biggest cravings ive had in awhile.