I started chewing when I was ~14 years old. I was a summer camp counselor and I remember having that first experience like a lot of us do with some of the older counselors. It was a sense of euphoria, that quickly escaped. One moment my head was in the clouds and the next I was puking my brains out. But the funny thing was—despite the puking, the euphoria was such a rush of dopamine that a mere 10 minutes after I got done puking my brains out I was asking for another dip. Then a few days later I asked my friends to buy me a can. That was the start of a long and difficult relationship with the most manipulative and abusive partner one could ask for.
Chew and I were going steady from that point forward, we were inseparable together on long car rides, before dinner, after dinner, mowing the lawn, after a long day, before a long day, with friends, by myself. We started out slow like many relationships do, but before I knew it this relationship was taking up all of my time and draining my money. Chew took on many different looks over the years. Whenever I tried breaking it off nicotine would try a new style to keep me coming back—long cut, short cut, pouches, wintergreen, mint, straight, Copenhagen, grizzly, stokers, redman, zyn, ON! even the occasional cigarette or cigar if the mood struck.
My life revolved around chew, and preparing for that next dip. I spent many trips planning around what gas stations or smoke shops were close to ensure I never ran out. I would buy 3-5 cans at a time even when I already had 5-10 cans to continuously feed my addiction. I bought a bunch of chew when I had money, and I bought chew when I had no money. I would often forgo food or common hygiene products in college to ensure I could continue my one-sided relationship with the nic-bitch. I loved her, she tolerated me. No matter how much I bought, no matter how many cans I used, no matter how many countless dips I took, it was never enough and chew continued to demand more and more of me. I realized I was chasing a relationship that turned sour long ago, I kept trying to get to that original state of euphoria that chew and I shared when we first met. I was a different person then, and I had changed into a version of myself that I did not like seeing when I looked into the mirror. Nicotine shaped me into the perfect sucker, the perfect consumer who would consume with blind loyalty despite no reciprocation. I allowed myself to be taken advantage of for over 15 years and the worst part was, I let it.
Quitting nicotine has been the most challenging aspect of my life. My addiction still calls me every day—checking on me, but there is no sincerity there. She wants me back because she knows even after one year I still think about her almost every day—because after all, we were going steady for 15 years, and despite all the hate, I understand how weak she made me. I had to find strength to leave her, something not easy that I needed others’ help to achieve.
I could not have legitimately gotten out of this awful relationship had it not been for the incredible humans in the kill the can community who also had to break it off from their abusive relationships with nicotine. I sit here celebrating my one year milestone with my 8 month old nephew sitting on my lap as I type this. Eternally grateful is an understatement for how I feel right now. A year ago I would have been thinking about when I could split off to go throw a lip in, instead I am sitting here so happy to have my life back in my own hands and sharing it with both my biological and my kill the can families.
I look forward to celebrating the 1 year milestone with the rest of the 2024 November No can crew as they each celebrate their anniversaries in a few weeks. I look forward to the many days ahead as we all post a day at a time, and I look forward to helping others who also need help escaping their abusive relationships with nicotine. I am proud to be quit with everyone here and cannot express my love for you all enough.
https://www.killthecan.org/my-longest-relationship/ 
