You've seen me on here more lately especially the last three nights .. I'm in a manic episode and sleepless nights is something you have when enduring this. And when I mean sleepless .. I mean wide awake. Nothing can stop it! The one medication I take at night, Klonopin, makes you sleepy. I take that and a sleeping pill and I don't feel a bit tired. Yes, looking at me, my body is drained and worn down but my head/brain whatever to hell it is just won't let go until it wants to or to the point of no return and finally my head says, "Ok, I think I'll sleep now." It used to be really hard for my husband to understand how my body could function and be able to go through another 24 hours without my eyelids closing an inch.
Before I knew I had bipolar, I didn't know why at times I just couldn't sleep. I just thought I was battling insomina. I'd lie awake in bed staring into the darkness, umm ok ... now 10 mins later I am still laying there trying my best to think of something to dream about .. 20 mins now I've rearranged my legs and arms in so many positions that my pillows have ended up on the floor or on top of my husband. By this point, I just turn the tv on until morning arrives. Then I am off with my day like I had Zzzz ... all night. I've tried soft music .. my favorite is Enya. I've taken hot baths with lavender. I've tried to read and drink warm milk. I hate to actually admit to this but I would drink Nyquil and nothing. You have no power!
It gets tougher as days and nights pass the longest sleep episode was a few years ago and it was five days and four nights .. fifth day in the afternoon I crashed. I looked like hell. I felt like hell at that point. In the beginning it's just not being able to sleep but you get bursts of energy. One minute I could yawn after eating lunch because of two nights with no sleep and then BAM! I've got to do something or I'll get an idea or I'll write! My head takes control and throws me into overload. It's hard to explain!
You've heard me say this before, I know this is a quit site but you are my outlet, my coping skill, hell this is where I ramble. I rant and rave about my life. As a closet dipper, I'd love these nights. I could dip endlessly with no worries.
I don't dip now and this is my first real battle with the mania (sleeping part) since my quit began. I am typing this at 1am on my third night without any shut eye. And I have no indications if I'll finally crash or end up just lying there wondering how I am going to make it through. That's when I'll just get fed up and turn on my laptop and write. I know there might be quitters out there that probably get sick of reading what I write but then there are the ones that read through my post and somehow can relate. Maybe not to my illness but working through an issue without having a dip.
Last night, hell early morning I got a PM about a person needing help. This person wanted to pick a quit date and use Nic gum or something else to ease into their quit. I gave them my opinion and politely said I picked quit days and it never worked.
Hell ... I picked quit birthdays and anniversarys, quits for each New Year even quit dates while carrying my precious little one within my belly. Those days came and those days went but I still held that damn can and packed another one in. This person I felt was using dip as a crutch to cope with their depression .. in return ... subconsciously ... that depression may be growing because of the inability to quit. After posting back, I laid in bed thinking even after picking a quit day if that person went back to using smokeless tobacco. I hoped that one day they would find it in their heart the strength to quit and believe they can do it.
I saw tonight a reply!
Today this person quit! Today is Day One for my quit sister!
I couldn't be any happier knowing some may scroll past my posts but some may actually read what I have to say and take something away from it!
Ok, It's after two! I'll hush for now .. watch some tv and hope tonight I'll get a little shut eye!
-mylilsecret
Ps) Here's your new quit sister!
hi you all. this is maushumi17. today is my first day to quit, and i think i belong to this quit group. let me know if i am right. if not, then how can i get into a quit group.
