IÂ’m not sure if this is the place to post this but itÂ’s late and I need to vent. Last Tuesday morning I woke up with an odd sensation in my mouth. I kept feeling something in the soft part of the roof of my mouth with my tongue. At first I thought it was food or something but I couldnÂ’t get it off. I tried to look at it in the mirror but could not get a good enough view to see anything. Anyway, I went to work for the rest of the day but I had a hard time concentrating as you can imagine.
Finally got back to the hotel room later that night and had one of my support staff take a look – had to promise to buy beers at dinner but what the hell, I was desperate. He described to me what he thought looked like a very small white wart or polyp on my soft palate. It was definitely attached to the roof of my mouth. Anyway, took the boys to dinner and bought them their beers but my mind was going a 1000 MPH at this point and all I wanted to do was get back to my room and call one of my brothers. I was freaking out and thinking the worst. I got a hold of someone and he quickly made me feel better… it could be a million different things. I had ingested three cans of jerky snuff and a bag of seeds on the plane ride (I’m not a good flyer). All of the salt could have caused a problem or even the seeds for that matter. That call was a tremendous help, as I probably would not have slept the remainder of that trip.
Got home Wednesday night late and my wife let me know that she was able to get my dentist appointment moved to this coming Tuesday. She told the dentist everything that was going on and he told her I shouldn’t worry and that my friend was probably right – all the salt I had put in my mouth more than likely caused the problem. Again, this made me feel better and I was able to start acting like a normal person for the next day or so.
Saturday morning rolls around and now I’m nervous again. I am able to see the spot now with the assistance of my daughter’s vanity mirror and it seems like it is bigger than what my co-worker had initially described to me. It’s white and just hanging there. Of course I run down and have my wife look at it as well… I need someone to confirm that this thing in my mouth is as big as I think it is. She calmed me down again and reminded me of what I have been told by a number of people – that chances are this is nothing to worry about.
Now it’s Saturday night and of course I can’t sleep because my mind is back at it again. Caving is the least of my worries – it’s not even a consideration. Cancer is definitely the primary thought in my head but I’m also wondering this… if it is cancer, would this have happened if I had quit two days earlier? A week? A month? I know it seems insane but this keeps running through my mind and I can’t get it out. Did that last can cause this? If it’s cancer what in the fuck do I tell my daughter? That I waited too long to quit? This has by far been the hardest part of my quit – I’ll take those first three days times a million to make this shit go away and feel right again.
A word of advice to those who are lurking or thinking about quitting while I’m up on this soapbox – don’t fuck around waiting… just do it. Life is a hell of a lot more important than the shit that comes in those fucking cans.
Peace out,
Golfn
