I often ask myself and my husband how much can one take until they honestly get to their breaking point?
As most know I lost my job the end of January. I applied for everything and anything I could to help with the lost of income, no medical insurance and resources into finding another job. I've so far failed at all three. After waiting this long to hear if I qualified for benefits, (yes, I have to "qualify" for benefits. Umm, I just lost my entire monthly income - how more qualified can I get?) anyways after waiting this long I was denied Medicaid, food stamps and temporary cash. Why? To simply put it, we have too much in asset, as in our house and truck. Hmm, last time I checked you need something to live in and a way to get to work so how really does that count against me? In this time of recession, I consider those assets a complete burden. The mortgage and truck payment are taking away from my medical expenses. And that's a whole other story. Our medication monthly for Matthew and me out of pocket is $2,018. Monthly! And we're not talking about Dr. visits or therapy sessions.
One positive note, my unemployment finally started two weeks ago. It would have started much sooner had the School Board filed their paperwork in a timely manner. It's not much but it's something. Our meds are running low and if need be I'll go without mine so Matthew can have his. It's not fair to him. Something from Healthy Kids came in the mail this week so maybe I'll qualify for medical insurance for the boys. I feel so discouraged at times. So helpless. My chest is heavy when I try to breathe.
This has put my marriage to the test once more. How can one live with such a failure? I honestly don't know how he does it. I don't know how I do it and without us both killing one another with the conflicts. How do I look into the eyes of our children to help them understand I'll be ok when I don't know myself? It's frustrating and it eats away at you bit by bit. How do others cope to overcome such obstacles?
A couple weeks ago my fifteen year old came to me and told me what we all dread the most when raising a child. He had tried marijuana. He was curious. I asked more questions and he was honest in saying he also tried cigarettes and yes smokeless tobacco. When I had quit he profoundly stated, "Mom, I'll never do that!" But he actually has. And not just once but a few times because others were doing it. How do I get through this and guide him to make the right choices? Quite frankly, I'm tired. And then my mind begins to work against me. That other side, the one I thought was hidden. Well, it's reminded me it still lingers just waiting to catch me off guard. I remember, oh so well, at one time in order for me to cope I would use my drug, Copenhagen. That addict part taunts me relentlessly at times. But I always revert back to taking it moment by moment, like in the beginning of my quit, until it passes.
I do apologize for not being here possibly when others might have needed me. I just hope they understand and know how much I need them for encouragement, strength and hope.
I've sent something out in hopes it'll be published in a magazine. We'll see how that goes. Maybe someone will see the passion I have to pursue this dream of mine. In writing, I may not be talented like most but I believe in reaching out to grasp a hold of something I've wanted for oh so long. I also would love to be an inspirational speaker for those who use smokeless tobacco and the wonderful advantages of quitting specially as a female quitter. I don't know how or if I could do that. I might have to talk with ODT and see if that's possible.
I guess I'll scoot for now. For those that have my cell number it's acting up again and I'm not able to get another Nextel until the beginning of next month. For now, I'll rely on pms and emails. Or you can call me later in the day at home. I know I've been stubborn and distanced myself somewhat from my quit brothers and sisters but you're the only ones that truly understand my addiction and listen to me when I need to ramble, like now. I hope this post finds you well and that you too are staying quit.
-mylilsecret
