at day 100 I was still an addict. at one year I was still an addict. There is shame and hostility I still feel towards my previous life as a dipper. Looking back I did not even understand what I was doing to myself to feed my addiction. Seperating from the pack to sneak in a chew, leaving people I cared about to wonder what happened to me and where I went as the urge to chew trumped everything else. Fearing getting too close to someone, lest they learn my secret addiction. Every moment of every day for over 20 years I was either chewing or planning my next dip. Road trip with friends, sure , as long as I can drive myself. Lets go to a movie, better stock up on some nicorette. Airplane rides ?? Holy Fuck I hope no one notices that plastic bottle I have a death grip on. The even sadder part was that I did not want to quit, I knew I should want to quit, but then the desire was not there to make it happen. Then I was told by someone that I always seemed to be in a hurry to leave and I never wanted to spend the night. I hate you nicotine and for 20 years I did not even realize it. I may never fully balance the ledger, but I will post roll one day at a time because I know tommorow I will still be an addict , but I also know that when I post roll, come hell or highwater, I will still be quit when my name is on the April 2013 page. There is no second chance, there is no other option.
