Kybo

[kybo]

Originally posted on April 16th, 2018  I have to get to work now.  I will try to migrate a few more journal entries on a later date.  FYI:  our new home has an "ignore user" function too.   

Day 100

Thanks for the well wishes and congratulations. But, it honestly is just another day to me.

I like the fact that somebody had the bright idea to put the HOF at 100 days because it has an attainable feel to it. But, once you get here you just kind of look around and realize that today isn't any different than yesterday. And it is probably going to feel exactly the same tomorrow. But, I do feel better about tomorrow than I did 99 days ago. And, I feel better now about the possibility of making it a year than I did 3 months ago. So, maybe there is some magic, or maybe even some logic, to that 100 Day Hall of Fame number.

I think I am going to hold off on celebrating for now. It doesn't really feel like I have accomplished anything yet. But, I did do one thing for myself today. I felt like I earned it after 100 days. What did I do you ask?

I finally implemented the "ignore user" function.

[kybo]

Originally posted on April 9th, 2018

Day 93

Monday.....

Is it a blessing or a curse that I still find myself thinking about chew every day? I definitely can't say that I am having cravings, but somehow chew finds it's way into my thoughts several times a day. I find it to be extremely annoying, but I also think it helps strengthen my resolve a little bit. I feel like my inability to control my addiction is really what drove me to go cold turkey in the first place. So, as long as my brain keeps thinking about chew every day it is constantly reminding me that I can't have just one without totally losing control again. It really is an interesting dichotomy. I don't want to think about chew, but I am afraid that I will get complacent if I don't think about chew.

[kybo]

Originally posted on April 4th, 2018

In light of some of the recent jackassery that I have seen going on in various places over the last few days, I thought it would be a good idea to cut and paste a comment that I made awhile back on someone else's Intro page so that it will be easier for me to find when I need to read it again. There are just some days that I need to remind myself to listen to the message and not pay any attention to the asshat that is typing the words. Today is one of those days.

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There is no doubt that a psychiatrist could make a career out of analyzing the various personalities on KTC. There are definitely some run of the mill jerks, narcissistic jackasses, and even a few passive aggressive asshats roaming the halls looking to instigate trouble.

I am not going to lie. I have dreamed several times about how awesome it would be to meet some of these people in person and then punch them in the face. But, when you really think about it we aren't all that different from each other. We want to quit tobacco, and we want you to quit tobacco. Successful marriages have been built on less than that. Just because somebody has zero social skills it doesn't necessarily mean they don't have anything important to say. Believe it or not, they are trying to help you.

If you have thin skin maybe it would be better for you if you tried to ignore some of the troublemakers. But, if you do decide to ignore the personalities I would highly recommend you at least listen to the message they are trying to deliver. It might save your life.

Take what you need and leave the rest. One day at a time. I wish you the best and I hope you are successful.

[kybo]

Originally posted on April 2nd, 2018

Day 86

The mystery as to what I am going to spend all of the money on that I saved by not purchasing chew has been solved. For weeks I thought I might buy a drone, night vision monocle or a rear tine tiller. But then on Friday morning I walked into a mom and pop hardware store and saw the Broil King XL Smoke with a giant 50% Off Floor Model Clearance Sale sign stuck on it. Mystery solved. I was going to wait until 100 days before I spent that money but I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to get the Broil King.

This past weekend was a pretty big deal for me. I would call it a moderate victory.

My wife and kids went to the in-laws and left me home alone for 48 hours. In the past, that would have meant a weekend of smoking cigars, drinking beer and slamming cans of chew. The old me would have probably gone through 3 or 4 cans of chew, a handful of cigars and at least a case of beer. The new me didn’t do any of those things. Instead, I worked on a few projects during the day and read a book in the evenings. I even walked down to the pond on Friday night and made a few casts. Sure, I thought about chew and cigars a handful of times, but I never seriously considered buying either. I won the weekend and it wasn’t that difficult.

I seem to have overcome most of my triggers. The one I am still struggling with is kind of weird. I can drive all over the place for hours at a time and have zero problems. But, for some reason I think about chew almost non-stop if I just have to drive into town by myself to pick up one or two items. In the past, I was always volunteering to run into town and pick up things for my wife so that I could have that one big chew for 30 minutes. But now that I am tobacco free that quick run into town makes my salivary glands fire on all cylinders the whole way to the store and back. Nothing that is going to cause me to cave. Just one of those things that is hard to explain.

I am a visual guy. I don’t know why, but I always have a mental picture for everything. Since I quit tobacco I have been thinking about Nicotine and visualizing it as a person. But, not just any person. No, the image I have in my head for Nicotine is that of Kate Upton. I have no fucking idea why I keep seeing her as Nicotine, but Kate is making it very difficult for me to develop the hatred for Nicotine that I want and need. I have seriously been trying to train my brain to see Skeletor, but so far Kate is all I see. I vaguely think I remember a discussion in April ’18 way back where people were talking about Kate Upton. I don’t know for sure if this was the seed that caused my dilemma, or not. But, it sure does cause me trouble when Nicotine comes calling and I try to visualize myself beating the shit out of Kate Upton with a tire iron. So far it is still working, but it would be a lot easier if I was seeing Skeletor’s brains splattering the wall instead of Kate’s.

We are still losing a few members here and there from our April ’18 group even as we find ourselves approaching the 100 Day mark. Big E just celebrated 100 Days yesterday. I find myself thinking a lot about the last time I tried to quit and failed after over two years of being tobacco free. That was over ten years ago, but it seems like it was a lifetime ago. I can remember that something very stressful happened at work and I felt like I had to go buy a can of chew as a result. I bought the can and had one dip and then proceeded to chew for another ten years. The funny thing is that I can’t even remember what that stressful event at work was. In fact, I have no fucking clue. Looking back I realize that I wasn’t ready to quit at the time. My addict brain was just looking for an excuse and my resolve wasn’t strong enough. Things are different now.

Things are much different now.

IQWYT

[kybo]

Originally posted on March 29th, 2018

Nothing to see in today's post. Just a few ramblings from my sleep deprived mind.

There has been a lot of really deep discussions on various forums at KTC over the last few days. I am talking about the good stuff that makes you look deep in your soul and think about who you are, what you are doing, and where you want to go. One of the topics that I have seen discussed in a few different places are variations of the theme “why KTC works or what KTC means to me.” At first glance these two things may seem completely different, but I would argue they are one and the same for most of the addicts using KTC to strengthen their quit.

As I lay wide awake last night staring at the ceiling and thinking about all the words of wisdom I have garnered from KTC in the last couple months, I found myself thinking about why KTC works for me. And I just kept coming back to one of my favorite quotes. I have never thought about this quote before from an addict’s perspective, but after last night I will probably never think of it in any other way again.

“Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it” George Santayana

Perhaps George Santayana was a recovering addict himself. It sure sounds like he knew a thing or two about the subject. I can't tell you how many times I have failed in my attempts to quit in the past because I let myself forget just how addicted I am to the nicotine bitch.

George Santayana (1863-1952) was a Spanish born American author and philosopher. It is believed the above quote originated with George, but I have seen some sources that think the quote pre dates George by a few years. For me, it doesn’t really matter who said it first. The words of wisdom contained in the quote should be something memorized by every single addict that is working on recovery. Because when you truly see those words for what they are, you will understand those eleven words are actually a map that will guide any and all recovering addicts to the elusive treasure we all seek. And that treasure is none other than freedom from the chains of addiction.

So, why does KTC work and what does KTC mean to me?

Whether you use KTC to post and ghost roll every day or you fully engorge yourself with gallons and gallons of the kool aid, the successful recovering addict is using KTC to remember their past. They may not consciously realize what they are doing, but they are keeping their addiction front and center in their thoughts every time they visit KTC. By doing this, they are lessening the chance they will repeat their past failures. The daily ritual of visiting KTC keeps us from forgetting that we are addicts. It stops complacency dead in her tracks. And thus it keeps us from falling back down the rabbit hole we call addiction. For some people, simply visiting and posting roll every day is enough. Others may need to interact a little more. And still others may need to completely submerge themselves in the refreshing waters of brotherhood. Every one of us is different and every one of us is the same. Some need the phone calls and the accountability, others just need a safe place to read and reflect.

KTC may mean different things to different people. But, it also means the same thing to all of us. I will never forget where I have been, and I will never forget why I left. That is the pledge I silently make to myself every morning when I post roll call in April ‘18. Because I know if I ever let myself forget that I am an addict I will soon find myself on my proverbial knees again suckling at the teat of Big Tobacco.

I will leave KTC some day. I know I will. It is just human nature to get bored with your surroundings and go out and seek a change of environment. I have no idea when that day will come, but I know it will come. I honestly don’t see myself still posting roll at 100% five years from now. Maybe not even this time next year. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. I made my promise this morning and I will worry about tomorrow when it becomes today. But when I do leave I will leave with the knowledge that I have gained while I was here. And I will never let myself forget because I do not want to repeat my past.

I got a few comments on the post above when I originally posted it.  So, I posted the below text as a further explanation.


Sorry if I confused anyone with my last post. I am not planning on leaving anytime soon. I just didn't transition to that last paragraph very well.

The whole basis of that last paragraph about leaving was just my thoughts on something I read on KTC where people were talking about when/if it would ever be OK to leave KTC. Upon re-reading my whole post this morning I now realize the last paragraph was extremely underdeveloped and totally lacking in explanation.

The whole point I was trying to make is that tomorrow is an unknown. I know myself well enough to understand that someday I will get bored with KTC. And when I do get bored there is a decent chance I might disappear from the site. I have no idea when or if that will ever happen. As of right now I plan on being here for the long haul. I do not want to repeat my past. I do not want to fail again. We will see where I am tomorrow, and then the next day, and then the next day.............................

[kybo]

Originally posted on March 27th, 2018

80 Days

I am still rolling along, but the last few days haven't been great. I got the news on Saturday that another one of my friends only has a few days left on earth. He was diagnosed with cancer on March 10th and now the doctors don't think he will make it to April. Mike and I haven't been close since we were in high school and college, but we still consider ourselves to be friends. This news totally sucks. He is 49 years old and has a wife and 2 kids. Mike will be the second guy I consider a friend to leave this earth since I gave up tobacco. It is certainly depressing.

On a brighter note, I have another friend that informed me yesterday that he is going to try to give up chew. Today is his Day 2. If he manages to stay quit that will make a total of 4 of us that spend a lot of time together that have given up the nic bitch. Steve has been quit for over 10 years, Bobby is almost to a year, I am almost to 3 months and now Brett is trying to join us. It is so much easier to quit if you are around other people that are quitting every day too.

I have now gone 8 straight days without the fake chew. I am not going to lie, it has been pretty difficult to give up. I am still carrying an emergency can of Smoky Mountain with me in case I have a ridiculous craving, but I think I am over needing the fake stuff.

And that is the roller coaster that I have been on.

I started chewing when I was a kid. Almost 35 years ago when I was young and dumb. Way back when I thought I was invincible. Now I find myself looking around and I am starting to see the herd getting a little thinner. Those guys used to be young and dumb too. They used to think they were invincible..............................

UPDATE:

Mikey died about 4 hours after I originally posted this entry this morning. 17 days after he was diagnosed with cancer.

[kybo]

Originally posted on March 20th, 2018

When I first started seriously thinking about giving up tobacco I decided to make a "Pros and Cons" list. I already knew I was going to attempt to quit, but I thought the list would help solidify the decision. I am not going to bore everyone with the items on that list but I will tell you that the items on the Con side of tobacco use were rolling off my lips as soon as I put pen to paper. And I seriously found myself struggling to come up with any legitimate items to put on the Pros side.

In the end, I had two items on the Pro side of tobacco use and they were both ridiculous in my opinion. One was that I liked the taste of Grizzly Fine Cut Natural and the taste of a fine cigar, and the other was that it was a shared activity with my friends. The Cons list was so long that I found it ridiculous that I even bothered spending the time to try to think of something to put on the Pros side. Seriously...........

Why the fuck would I ever consider using tobacco again? OK, I will answer that question because I think there really is only one acceptable answer.

The only way I would ever consider using tobacco again is if some scientist comes up with a new strain of tobacco that has zero negative impacts on my health. And because I have serious trust issues, I probably wouldn't believe the scientist and would stay away from the new tobacco anyway. Right now that is the only thing I can think of that could make me even remotely think about chewing tobacco or smoking a cigar again. Yes, I like the taste of Grizzly Fine Cut Natural very much. But, I can live without it. I can come up with no other reason that would make me want to crack open that door again.

I totally understand that stopping the romanticizing of tobacco use can be a real challenge. For the rest of my life I am sure I will always associate fishing/hunting/mowing the grass/sitting by a campfire/road trips/etc with chewing tobacco. But, here I am at 73 Days in and I have already proven to myself that I can enjoy every one of those things just as much without that cancer causing fatty in my lip. Yeah, that little voice still tries to talk to me every once in awhile. But, I just decided to stop listening.

I have no plans to ever reevaluate my desire/need to quit. I made the decision I made for a lot of very good reasons. The most important reason of all being that I just wanted to quit. I am done with tobacco controlling my life. I have turned that page and started a new chapter. And I am very hopeful this book will have a happy ending.

[kybo]

Originally posted on March 19th, 2018

Day 72

I have seen some discussions on KTC over the last several weeks where some members have talked about reevaluating their desire/need to quit after a period of time. I haven't read anything where anyone was actively planning to start using tobacco again, but I have seen some discussions where people were leaving the door open to at least consider the possibility of maybe having a cigar or a chew somewhere down the line. Maybe after 100 Days, maybe after a year, or maybe after reaching the comma club. It was just a few discussions here and there and nobody was saying they thought it was a good idea. But, it was enough to get me thinking about the subject.

I will admit this "reevaluation" has crossed my mind numerous times over the last 72 Days. I always shoot it down pretty quickly whenever that little voice brings it up because I have been down that road before more than once. Don't get me wrong, I would love to able to have a cigar again some day. But, I know I can't have that one unless I am willing to go back full bore to being a slave to nicotine. Because that is what has happened to me in the past every time I have decided to have just one.

It starts off slow in the beginning. Just one chew with your buddies while you are out fishing. You don't feel any kind of withdrawal after that one so after awhile you convince yourself you can have another when you want because you obviously don't have a problem. Pretty soon you buy your own can. You are still just having one every once in awhile, but then it becomes just when you mow the lawn. Then you add in just when you are taking a long drive. Next thing you know you are also having a chew after lunch every day. That is how it starts. Then one day you find yourself taking 30 minute shits every day just so you can lock yourself in the bathroom to get your nicotine fix without your wife knowing you caved again. And there you are! Back to a can a day addiction again!

I am writing this down now so that I can read it again in the future. I am happy right now. I do not want to be a slave to nicotine ever again. It is not worth it to ever try to have just one. I cannot allow myself to listen to that little voice. I have proven time and time again that I can't have just one because I am an addict.

I am happy right now....................Today.

And today is all that matters. I know that I will not have a chew today because I made a promise. I will worry about tomorrow when tomorrow becomes today.

[kybo]

Originally posted on March 16th, 2018

Day 69

I think I have emerged from the funk I have been in for the last week. I was a little worried that March Madness would be a huge trigger and would cause me some grief, but I had no issues on Day 1 of the tourney. I took the day off of work yesterday to get some more clearing done on my property since the barn guys are supposed to start next week. Used some Bacc Off while I was running the chainsaw and brush cutter and that seemed to stop me from even thinking about chew for the day. Would have been a great day had the oil filler cap not stripped out on the saw. I had to hold the saw sideways to keep all the oil from leaking out. I didn't have any problems cutting the trees down, but I couldn't do a decent job cutting to manageable links because I had to hold the saw sideways. It ended up cutting my day a little short and I just went inside and watched some basketball. I am going to try to find a replacement cap today while I am on lunch and I will pick up an extra chain as well.

It dawned on me last night that here I am at Day 69 and if this is the best it ever gets I am OK with that. I hear the vets saying all the time that "it gets better." But, I seriously realized last night that I am OK with how it is right now. I am not going to complain if it keeps getting better, but life ain't so bad right now. I still find myself thinking about chew quite a bit, but I can't really call it a craving. It is more like my subconscious is still trying to romanticize tobacco every chance it gets, but it doesn't put near the effort into it any more because it knows I am not going to budge. I honestly think I crave cigars more than I crave chew and I was never a huge cigar smoker. I maybe smoked a few dozen cigars a year before I gave up tobacco. This is a battle that I feel pretty good about winning.

I feel great physically. I started dieting a few days ago and I think I am already starting to feel a difference. I feel like my appetite has already returned to normal and I am eating a ton better. I have continued with my treadmill work and I have now done my first two days of upper body. In addition to that, I am still busting my ass to clear some trees and brush from the back of my property which is a hell of a workout by itself. I know exercise has played a huge roll in making this quit easier for me. If you are still in the early days of trying to quit I strongly advise you to start exercising.

The only physical issue I have right now is that it feels like my mouth is watering all the time. I didn't notice this problem until about a week ago which is when I started cutting back on the fake chew. Now, I find myself spitting constantly even when I don't have anything in my mouth. I feel like Pavlov's dog probably would have felt if the bell somehow got stuck in ring mode. I chewed tobacco for so long that I can't honestly remember if my mouth watered like this before I started chewing, or not. And I never noticed my mouth watering like this when I was using tobacco, but I usually had a dip in my mouth if it was possible to have one. So, I'm not sure what is normal and what is not. Of course, this all could just be another psychological trick that the nic bitch is trying to use on me to make me miss her. Who the fuck knows? If the problem persists I will ask my doctor the next time I see him. Until then, I will keep quitting one day at a time. This too shall pass.

I know there wasn't much interesting in this post today. I am sorry if you read it from start to finish. Just a little more therapy for my addict brain. I quit with you today!

[kybo]

Originally posted on March 12th, 2018

Day 65

Wow, we have lost a few people from our April group in the last week, or so. I am guessing they caved and just decided to not come back. That is a shame. But, I firmly believe you either want to quit or you don’t want to quit. And if you want to quit there is nothing in this world that will prevent you from accomplishing your goal of living a tobacco free life. Nothing at all. Conversely, if you don’t truly want to quit you are just living your life looking for a reason to cave. And eventually you will find that reason if you are constantly looking for it, whether it is real or perceived.

It ain’t easy, but nobody said it would be.

For the last 4 or 5 days my addict brain just keeps asking me if I really want to be quit. And every time I answer, “Fuck Yeah!” I have read stuff from many of the vets that have warned us new quitters about “ late term craves, the doldrums, the blahs, and the blues.“ The What to Expect Page says we should probably experience this around days 70-90. I think I hit this stage around Day 60. People call it the “Funk.” I honestly haven’t been even remotely tempted to cave yet, but I will admit that I have thought more about chew the last 4 or 5 days than I did in the entire previous month combined. I am not sure why I have been thinking about it so much, but I will say that I haven’t touched the fake stuff in 3 days. Perhaps that might be a contributing factor. All I know is that the reasons I decided to quit are still fresh in my head. I keep those reasons front and center by visiting KTC every day and making my pledge every morning. And I haven’t caved. So, I must be doing something right.

I have also read a lot of the vets correcting new quitters when they use the word “habit” when talking about chew. The vets correctly inform the new quitters that chew is an addiction. I agree with what the vets are saying about chew being an addiction, but I also agree with the people that call it a habit. I think chew is both an addiction and a habit. And the fact that it is a habit AND an addiction is what makes it so damn difficult to quit. Let’s be honest, if we were just addicted to nicotine patches I don’t think that would be as hard to quit as chewing. I don’t think you would see a bunch of nicotine patch addicts walking around with fake patches stuck to their bodies in an attempt to quit the patch. But, you clearly see a lot of recovering chewing tobacco addicts utilizing fake chew to help their attempts to “kick the habit.” You also see a lot of smokers utilizing candy suckers in an effort to “kick their habit.” So yes, I think there is an aspect to chewing tobacco that is a habit that is reinforced by an addiction, or vice versa. You get the idea. That is just my opinion and I am totally OK with you disagreeing with me.

That “habit” part of the addiction has been a tough one for me. The fake chew has helped tremendously, but I don’t like the fact that even the fake stuff tears up my mouth and inner cheeks. If I am giving up tobacco I want my mouth to feel good again. It is hard to explain, but I seriously think I miss having that lump of shit in my lip and spitting in a can every 60 seconds. Without that shit in my lip I catch myself clenching my teeth all the time or constantly running my tongue over my cheeks and gums. The end result being that my jaw hurts and I feel like I am rubbing raw spots on my gums from the constant irritation from my tongue. I am really trying to make the switch from fake chew to chewing gum but apparently I don’t know how to chew gum correctly because I keep accidentally biting the inside of my cheeks. And I am biting hard enough to actually draw blood. I have done this 3 times in the last month or so. WTF is up with that?

And now I would like to go back and address those people that were once members of our April group that have disappeared from KTC. The message that I have for you is that I am not mad at you. I sincerely hope you are still quit and you just decided to leave the site for some reason unknown to the rest of us. It would have been nice if you would have had the decency to tell at least one of us why you were leaving. If you caved, you caved. I am not going to sit here and tell you how to live your life. You either want to quit or you don’t. I personally don’t give a flying shit how many times you cave as long as you own your failure and genuinely commit yourself to keep trying to quit. If you do that I will support you every time you try to quit. Because at the end of the day, that is what we are all trying to accomplish. We are all human. We all have weaknesses and we all make mistakes. Your failure is not going to cause me to fail. The only thing that is going to cause me to fail is my own weakness or my own mistake. The important thing is that we all get up each day and keep trying to quit. I genuinely want to quit. But, I understand that not everybody else really wants to quit.

If you don’t genuinely want to quit, then I think you made the right decision to leave KTC. Enjoy your life, just do it somewhere else. And thank you for not wasting any more of my time by pretending you want to quit when you really don't.

Have a great fucking day, everybody! IQWYT!

[kybo]

Originally posted on March 9th, 2018

Day 62!

Still feel great. It could completely be my imagination, but I swear my eyesight has improved since I gave up tobacco. And the air seems so much crisper when I take a deep breath now. Both of these things could be the result of the 15 to 20 miles a week I have been doing on the treadmill since I gave up the nasty shit. Or it could be due to the fact that I am no longer poisoning my body every day with that shit.

I have been reading some posts by other people that are talking about having some issues with depression. I can't really say that I have had problems that I would classify as depression, but I have had a few emotional roller coaster rides over the last couple of months. Mood swings, or whatever you want to call them. I am totally over the rage and subsequent outbursts at this point. But, yesterday my assistant came into my office and asked me if everything was ok. She said she has noticed that I have been keeping to myself and I have been a little more quiet than normal for the last couple of weeks. It actually made me laugh out loud because about 6 weeks ago she came into my office and asked me the exact same question because she thought that I was being "meaner than normal" to some of the employees. Nobody at the office knows anything about me ever using tobacco or the fact that I have now stopped using it. I don't think I will ever tell them.

Still no sign of Preston. He hasn't even logged into the site since the 4th. I never had him pegged as a caver.

[kybo]

Originally posted on March 8th, 2018.



Kybo
Posts    547
Quit Date    1-7-2018
Quitter

08 Mar 2018, 09:35 #15
Day 61.

I feel great! Maybe a little fatter than I was a few months ago, but I feel fucking great!!

I have a few minutes this morning and was going to post something about myself again, but when I came into the Introductions page I noticed there were 83 Guests viewing our Intro pages. I was the only actual member logged in to the Intro section at the time. 83 guests were in here just looking around. So, I thought this morning I would write a short message just for you guys/gals that are in here looking around.

You guests are obviously here for a reason. What is that reason? Obviously you are at least thinking about quitting or you wouldn't be here. My advice is to go ahead and create a username and join the conversation for a couple days. It is completely free and you can choose to remain anonymous. You only have to tell people what you want to tell them. And, there are a lot more sections filled with great advice and great people that you can see and interact with once you become a member. Did I already mention it is completely free? Come on in, the water is nice and warm. I promise we don't bite and most of us don't even pee in the pool anymore. Every one of us was once in your shoes. We know what you are going through right now.

When I first stopped using tobacco it felt like my eyes were going to pop out of my head for the first four days. And my jaw hurt which kind of freaked me out a little bit. I also had a headache that came and went for a couple of weeks. I didn't sleep much in the beginning either. I would have been totally freaked out if I hadn't joined KTC and talked to people that had been thru the same things I was going thru. They assured me it was normal and that it would get better. And they were right.

What are you waiting for? All the cool kids are doing it. Come quit with us and see how good it makes you feel.

[kybo]

Originally posted on March 5th, 2018

On my 38th day quit I skipped a funeral and played hooky from work by saying I was going to the funeral. That day has been the hardest for me so far. I had worked with the guy for seven years when I was younger and he was probably my best friend at that time in my life. I had every intention of going to his funeral, but when I woke up that morning I just couldn’t do it. I was feeling very depressed and the funeral was two hours away from me. I had almost convinced myself to say fuck it and buy a can of chew for the drive. What difference would it make? We are all going to die eventually, right? I logged onto KTC and posted roll that morning and I knew immediately after that I wasn’t going anywhere. I can’t call that a win, it was more of a no decision. I feel like shit for being too weak to show my respect to a guy that meant that much to me. But, I didn’t have a chew that day. If you want to judge me, go ahead. He is dead and nothing will change that. This is just one more demon that will keep me up at night.

[kybo]

I am going to move some of my Intro diary posts over from Take-a-shit (aka Tapatalk).


Originally posted on January 13th, 2018

48 years old, been chewing on and off since I was 14. Married with two children. I have always been a bit of a loner.

So, why am I here?

About a year ago my only sister died from breast cancer. It was tough watching her battle to the end. It was even tougher watching her husband and children deal with what we all knew was coming. My sister lived a healthy lifestyle. Never smoked, never drank, nor did she take drugs. She ate fairly healthy and exercised regularly. Yet, she was dead at the age of fifty. I honestly was in a state of shock for several months. But then, I took a look around and realized that I didn't want to put my wife and kids through that kind of hell if I could help it. I knew I was going to quit chewing, but I just kept making up excuses to buy another can. In November I finally made the decision to start cutting back on how much I chewed every day. By December, I had myself down to 3 small chews a day. I stuck with the 3 chews a day all the way to January 7th. I knew by then that I was an addict. I was going through withdrawals every day between my 3 small chews. Every day for over a month. It wasn't getting any easier. Cutting back wasn't working because I was still feeding the beast, and the beast was always hungry.

Then, on January 7th my wife and kids went shopping, leaving me at home by myself. I immediately put in my chew and flipped on the television. There was a documentary on about Stevie Ray Vaughn. They were showing an old interview that SRV did after he came out of rehab for his alcohol and drug addictions. I am going to paraphrase a little bit, but he basically said, " You can't stay at the party forever. Eventually that shit is going to kill you." I have no idea why that statement hit me so hard, but it hit me square in the face like a freight train. I am not a young kid any more. I have been abusing my body for over 30 years. I have definitely stayed at the fucking party too long.

I spit out my chew at 11:55 am on Sunday, January 7th. The next 36 hours were pretty rough. It felt like my eyes were going to pop out of my head. But, I stuck with it. I stuck with it for my wife and kids. I stuck with it for my sister, who nicknamed me kybo when I was a toddler. And I stuck with it for my mother in the hope that she won't have to endure burying her only remaining child.

I am an addict. This morning I made a pledge to not have a chew, and I didn't have a chew today. Tomorrow I will make the same pledge.