I realize that I have no posted a true introduction to who I am and what brought me to being quit. This is no short story or easy one to tell. I want to share it but the positive is that I am here to tell it.
I am one of six kids, number 5, for those that must know. I always have had the chip on my shoulder about doing things my way, and having to prove myself in other peoples eyes. This lead me to stealing my grandfather Trues from the freezer at 12 or 13 years old. I would walk down to the beach and meet "friends" there to smoke them. This lead to smoking on camp outs, then in school. At that point we still could smoke on Campus at the High School. I was a full time smoker by the end of my freshman year of HS. Then they band smoking on campus, so I found ways of sneaking a couple here and there but only used when I was hanging out with certain groups of friends off campus. Surprising it was my scouting friends, and all of punk skaters didn't use tobacco. My parents thought the opposite.
The irony in this whole story, is I was a very good runner in high school. I did Cross-Country, Outdoor Track, my high school did not have indoor so I swam. In all that time I would smoke on and off, not thinking it was anything big. But fast forward to 1.5 months before graduation, had a potential track scholarship to Fordham University, just needed to break 4:40 in the mile. The last regular season meet I went 4:41, so I had 3 meets left to get there, the next practice I suffered a 3/4 partial tear of the Achilles Tendon. There goes my chances of the scholarship, so what the hell do I have to look forward to? So I started smoking full time, while I figured what the next step will be. So I decided that I would go to the small D2 school in the fall, I applied 1 week before graduation. Said that I would swim to rehab and try to be a walk on as a sophomore at Fordham.
During the 5 years I spent as an undergrad. I became not only addicted to skoal and alcohol but experimented with drugs from across the spectrum. I ended up in a lot of situations that I am not proud of, nor should anyone else. Some how some way, I found a way out. I met my wife, and she got me to walk away from the heavy drinking, but I kept dipping and smoking. (Alot more here for a later time)
The night of shame, as I look back at it as, was my wedding night. I got black out drunk and don't remember anything after dinner. I was told the details by multiple different parties. But lets say that I am lucky to be married to the same woman 8 years later. From that point in time, I have maintained control over my alcohol addiction, and maintain constant vigilance on that front.
But I kept dipping/smoking up until my oldest was born in 2008, and then it was full on ninja dipping until July 23, 2014, when I heard that same voice that I heard twice before. Once when I choose to walk away from the party life, the other time when I sobered up on the morning after my wedding.
I choose not to listen any more, I choose a different path to walk away from that voice. I want to make that the last and final time I have to listen to the voice due to shame. This process has allowed me to finally come full circle with the death of my oldest brother on 4-10-1992.
My brother was the motorcyclist. Each day is a step away from my former self, and a new step toward the new me. I have learned in all of this there is only one person that you have to prove anything to, that is yourself.
