Day 135
Maybe this post is a little deeper than what most would prefer. I don't care. I stand by the comment I've made numerous times- if this post helps just one person, then my fight is worth it.
The past few weeks have been hard. It's been like being back in the early days of the fog.
Just when I think my brain has adjusted to not having nic, and getting readjusted to a medication adjustment, etc., the nic bitch just fucking laughs in my face and rears her ugly head.
My insomnia has never been worse- it's like my brain has decided that sleep isn't required. My bipolar, while not "worse" has been creeping slowly towards the manic spectrum because of the lack of sleep- which turns it into a cyclic battle. I can't hold attention to anything. I eat right, I exercise, only coffee in the morning. It gets frustrating when people ask "oh, have you tried this?" "This worked great for my friend!" I love that people care, but this isn't a new thing for me; I've been like this since I was a teenager. Yes, I am under medical attention. No, I don't have any suicidal ideologies.
Every day it never fails to amaze me what I learn about my body and my brain now that I don't have the crutch of any nicotine stimulant to mask my brain. Bipolar/PTSD/depression/OCD, anxiety, etc. physically damages the neuro pathways of your brain. Nicotine is a brilliantly evil masquerade ball. The physical damage to my brain has been coming out in full force. Because I'm treatment resistant (meaning I don't respond well to many forms of medication), my doctor and I have opted for a fairly controversial treatment since early December. It involves injections of ketamine on a regular basis. Ketamine is thought to rebuild those damaged pathways. While it's showing promise for me, it's definitely revealing the extent of damage, and is also very case by case on the dosage and schedule of injections. The side effects are much more gentle than any SSRI/SARI/SNRI that I've been on, but each treatment can be exhausting and nauseating.
I'm not going to cave. I don't want to chew ever again. I LOVE not chewing anymore. I post my promise on here and have a great support of friends that I've made here that text me daily, an amazing GroupMe with my January family, etc. I refuse to cave.
But there's that one little last nic voice whispering in the back of my head, "You felt so much better while chewing.You didn't have these side effects. You felt normal and sane. You can use me as a security blanket."
And I say to her, "Fuck you."
