Unexpected Day #1

[JGlav]

Day 50 (ish)

Technically I'm posting this way freaking early on day 52.

Half a HoF, bitches.

The flood of texts, fb messages, pm's, chat messages, etc. flooded me all day with congrats about my 50 days.
I woke up early that morning with a crippling migraine. I sent a few texts out saying that I was sort of alive and planning on posting roll but I wanted to do it myself because, hey, you know 50 days.

FIFTY days. It's hard to believe that fifty days has come and gone since I joined KTC.

It seems like yesterday and it feels like years.

50 days and I feel like I've started to scratch the surface of my quit and myself. I've learned some good things, I've learned some maybe not so good things about myself.

I've learned more about my bipolar and anxiety- triggers, ideas, thought processes that I didn't know I didn't have figured out, if that makes sense.

I've made friends on here. Some in particular that I owe my quit to just as much as my stubbornness and self perseverance. Some of these people have made their mark on me and I will never be the same because of them- for good reasons.

The fog is pretty much done with. I get spacey sometimes, but the crushing fatigue isn't there anymore. Now it's just regular work related bullshit.

Cravings are manageable. Oddly enough, I want to smoke way more than I want to chew, which is a battle I didn't expect.

The medication and dosage battle is ongoing...somedays my meds are enough, somedays they aren't and I use my phone as a lifeline to text people and not stay buried under the covers.

This quit has definitely taught me how to suck up my feelings of pride and to ask for help when I need it. It took me a long time to not feel like sending a text to a fellow quitter was Ã,“weakÃ,”. Even now I feel like I'm burdening others when I need a boost, need the help. I'm stubborn. I was taught to keep my feelings in. This....has been an experience for sure.

Today was one of those days. Two hours into my day starting, it took a dive into the shitter. Sent me reeling into a panicked frenzy. I held it together. Got on chat. Had some laughs. Texted a few people privately. Kept it all in. Until I got home and probably broke Verizon with the flood of texts I shot out.

You know what? The world didn't shatter because I needed to talk and ask for help.

Late late tonight (really, early this morning) I received two different messages from two different people in my quit group (after I got shit faced drunk and went on chat), both telling me I was strong, that they looked up to me, and that they drew strength from my quit. That, my friends, means it all.
If there is someone that you looked up to in your quit, someone that you drew strength from, tell them. Please. I don't care if it makes you feel like a pussy. They need to know.

When I first joined, I didn't know what to expect from myself or KTC. Figured I'd give it a try, see how it went, and if it didn't work, I'd just fade away into invisibility in internet world.

How wrong I was.

No fading into obscurity here. Not when the halls of accountability are all around you. Nice job on your quit!

[harvestgirl]

Day 50 (ish)

Technically I'm posting this way freaking early on day 52.

Half a HoF, bitches.

The flood of texts, fb messages, pm's, chat messages, etc. flooded me all day with congrats about my 50 days.
I woke up early that morning with a crippling migraine. I sent a few texts out saying that I was sort of alive and planning on posting roll but I wanted to do it myself because, hey, you know 50 days.

FIFTY days. It's hard to believe that fifty days has come and gone since I joined KTC.

It seems like yesterday and it feels like years.

50 days and I feel like I've started to scratch the surface of my quit and myself. I've learned some good things, I've learned some maybe not so good things about myself.

I've learned more about my bipolar and anxiety- triggers, ideas, thought processes that I didn't know I didn't have figured out, if that makes sense.

I've made friends on here. Some in particular that I owe my quit to just as much as my stubbornness and self perseverance. Some of these people have made their mark on me and I will never be the same because of them- for good reasons.

The fog is pretty much done with. I get spacey sometimes, but the crushing fatigue isn't there anymore. Now it's just regular work related bullshit.

Cravings are manageable. Oddly enough, I want to smoke way more than I want to chew, which is a battle I didn't expect.

The medication and dosage battle is ongoing...somedays my meds are enough, somedays they aren't and I use my phone as a lifeline to text people and not stay buried under the covers.

This quit has definitely taught me how to suck up my feelings of pride and to ask for help when I need it. It took me a long time to not feel like sending a text to a fellow quitter was Ã,“weakÃ,”. Even now I feel like I'm burdening others when I need a boost, need the help. I'm stubborn. I was taught to keep my feelings in. This....has been an experience for sure.

Today was one of those days. Two hours into my day starting, it took a dive into the shitter. Sent me reeling into a panicked frenzy. I held it together. Got on chat. Had some laughs. Texted a few people privately. Kept it all in. Until I got home and probably broke Verizon with the flood of texts I shot out.

You know what? The world didn't shatter because I needed to talk and ask for help.

Late late tonight (really, early this morning) I received two different messages from two different people in my quit group (after I got shit faced drunk and went on chat), both telling me I was strong, that they looked up to me, and that they drew strength from my quit. That, my friends, means it all.
If there is someone that you looked up to in your quit, someone that you drew strength from, tell them. Please. I don't care if it makes you feel like a pussy. They need to know.

When I first joined, I didn't know what to expect from myself or KTC. Figured I'd give it a try, see how it went, and if it didn't work, I'd just fade away into invisibility in internet world.

How wrong I was.

[Nomore1959]

50 days and continuing forward. Congrats!

Wow 50 days congratulations!

Soak the victories in! keep that quit rolling strong!

Congrats on 50! That is a big win on your quit journey.

[brettlees]

50 days and continuing forward. Congrats!

Wow 50 days congratulations!

Soak the victories in! keep that quit rolling strong!

[pab1964]

50 days and continuing forward. Congrats!

Wow 50 days congratulations!

[eyehatecope]

50 days and continuing forward. Congrats!

[ChickDip]

Hey girl!
Happy HALF-A-HoF!

roflmao

(but seriously proud of you!)

[Thumblewort]

Day 34-
I was going to write on Day 30, but the motivation and time escaped me. Work has been constant; 15+ hours/day, some longer, some shorter, and most of them without decent phone reception.
So, day 30 came and went. When I got home that night I checked KTC quick. I was surprised at how many people either commented on roll that day or sent me a pm to congratulate me on 30 days, not to mention the texts I received throughout the day. To me, 30 days was a big achievement but for it to seem to matter and make other people proud as well, made me feel on top of the world.

The next day was Woody's roughest day, and she wrote a post on our Jan quit group that got pretty popular. I had no idea about the post until the next day- all I knew is that her and I were texting. Again, I got messages, pm's, etc. thanking me for helping her. This time I was confused- I was just doing what she had done for me, and what I had done for others. Everyone is in this with each other. This is a website with over 30k quitters.

A few people have stated that I make quitting look easy, I'm so positive, this is looking like a breeze.

I'm sorry, but no.
There is a very dark side to my quit.
One side of me is totally done with chewing- I know I will not cave at this point. When I am done with something, I. Am. Done.

The other side though, I do not like that side. I am angry. I'm angry at myself for chewing in the first place, angry with stupid little things at my job, angry at lack of sleep, etc. At the beginning, the rage was like fireworks- instantly lit, exploding, and then fizzling out. This is a slow, underground, fiercely hot rage that simmers beneath the surface like magma pocket. When it boils over, my hands get bruised and I lose my voice.

If I'm even half an hour late on my medications, the depression and anxiety are overwhelming- thick, hot, and choking. It is a dark place. It is a low place. It is fragile.

The nic bitch is starting to lose her last grasp on my reality and she's slowly realizing it. She's making it painful. She wants her revenge. She's clawing on with one last angry hope.

I'm outwardly positive because the phrase "fake it till you make it" rings true. Helping others helps myself.
If I make it look easy, maybe that will encourage people to keep at it.

If I write this, maybe someone will realize they aren't alone. That this isn't easy, one week in, thirty days in, 100 days in, 1,000 days in.
I thought the phrase "one day at a time" was sort of cheesy, until this past week it turned into "one field of corn at a time" then it turned into "one hour at a time" and then into "one load of corn at a time".

But, at the end of it all, I am still quit.

And this too shall lessen and pass.

Very well put young lady! All you did is show others you're human! Damn proud to be quit with you. Quit on and keep building that web of quit. Like you, helping others in turn strengthens my quit!

That all makes SO much sense to me.
I totally get you and where you're coming from.
You are aware, you are transparent, you are connected.
Stay that way.

I had my "NAFAR" moment about 130 days in, and that is when I started to feel guilty of the nearly $30,000 I spent on the death weed that could have been used for my family. Long story short is that guilt over our shared addiction is fruitless as we can only be quit for today. It does take time, but like you said, all we can do is ODAAT.

I know sending a goofy ass text to fellow quitter always helped me, it may be time for another round of HMQ's and LBBQ's for the crew!

[ChickDip]

Day 34-
I was going to write on Day 30, but the motivation and time escaped me. Work has been constant; 15+ hours/day, some longer, some shorter, and most of them without decent phone reception.
So, day 30 came and went. When I got home that night I checked KTC quick. I was surprised at how many people either commented on roll that day or sent me a pm to congratulate me on 30 days, not to mention the texts I received throughout the day. To me, 30 days was a big achievement but for it to seem to matter and make other people proud as well, made me feel on top of the world.

The next day was Woody's roughest day, and she wrote a post on our Jan quit group that got pretty popular. I had no idea about the post until the next day- all I knew is that her and I were texting. Again, I got messages, pm's, etc. thanking me for helping her. This time I was confused- I was just doing what she had done for me, and what I had done for others. Everyone is in this with each other. This is a website with over 30k quitters.

A few people have stated that I make quitting look easy, I'm so positive, this is looking like a breeze.

I'm sorry, but no.
There is a very dark side to my quit.
One side of me is totally done with chewing- I know I will not cave at this point. When I am done with something, I. Am. Done.

The other side though, I do not like that side. I am angry. I'm angry at myself for chewing in the first place, angry with stupid little things at my job, angry at lack of sleep, etc. At the beginning, the rage was like fireworks- instantly lit, exploding, and then fizzling out. This is a slow, underground, fiercely hot rage that simmers beneath the surface like magma pocket. When it boils over, my hands get bruised and I lose my voice.

If I'm even half an hour late on my medications, the depression and anxiety are overwhelming- thick, hot, and choking. It is a dark place. It is a low place. It is fragile.

The nic bitch is starting to lose her last grasp on my reality and she's slowly realizing it. She's making it painful. She wants her revenge. She's clawing on with one last angry hope.

I'm outwardly positive because the phrase "fake it till you make it" rings true. Helping others helps myself.
If I make it look easy, maybe that will encourage people to keep at it.

If I write this, maybe someone will realize they aren't alone. That this isn't easy, one week in, thirty days in, 100 days in, 1,000 days in.
I thought the phrase "one day at a time" was sort of cheesy, until this past week it turned into "one field of corn at a time" then it turned into "one hour at a time" and then into "one load of corn at a time".

But, at the end of it all, I am still quit.

And this too shall lessen and pass.

Very well put young lady! All you did is show others you're human! Damn proud to be quit with you. Quit on and keep building that web of quit. Like you, helping others in turn strengthens my quit!

That all makes SO much sense to me.
I totally get you and where you're coming from.
You are aware, you are transparent, you are connected.
Stay that way.

[FLLipOut]

Be good to yourself, harvest. 30 days quit is such a great accomplishment but you are still young in your quit. Your brain is still trying to rewire and figure out what the new normal is. You are a strong young lady and I know you will see this through.

PM me if you need anything.
FLLIP

[siffy]

Keep up the good fight, really enjoy reading your posts also!

[pab1964]

Day 34-
I was going to write on Day 30, but the motivation and time escaped me. Work has been constant; 15+ hours/day, some longer, some shorter, and most of them without decent phone reception.
So, day 30 came and went. When I got home that night I checked KTC quick. I was surprised at how many people either commented on roll that day or sent me a pm to congratulate me on 30 days, not to mention the texts I received throughout the day. To me, 30 days was a big achievement but for it to seem to matter and make other people proud as well, made me feel on top of the world.

The next day was Woody's roughest day, and she wrote a post on our Jan quit group that got pretty popular. I had no idea about the post until the next day- all I knew is that her and I were texting. Again, I got messages, pm's, etc. thanking me for helping her. This time I was confused- I was just doing what she had done for me, and what I had done for others. Everyone is in this with each other. This is a website with over 30k quitters.

A few people have stated that I make quitting look easy, I'm so positive, this is looking like a breeze.

I'm sorry, but no.
There is a very dark side to my quit.
One side of me is totally done with chewing- I know I will not cave at this point. When I am done with something, I. Am. Done.

The other side though, I do not like that side. I am angry. I'm angry at myself for chewing in the first place, angry with stupid little things at my job, angry at lack of sleep, etc. At the beginning, the rage was like fireworks- instantly lit, exploding, and then fizzling out. This is a slow, underground, fiercely hot rage that simmers beneath the surface like magma pocket. When it boils over, my hands get bruised and I lose my voice.

If I'm even half an hour late on my medications, the depression and anxiety are overwhelming- thick, hot, and choking. It is a dark place. It is a low place. It is fragile.

The nic bitch is starting to lose her last grasp on my reality and she's slowly realizing it. She's making it painful. She wants her revenge. She's clawing on with one last angry hope.

I'm outwardly positive because the phrase "fake it till you make it" rings true. Helping others helps myself.
If I make it look easy, maybe that will encourage people to keep at it.

If I write this, maybe someone will realize they aren't alone. That this isn't easy, one week in, thirty days in, 100 days in, 1,000 days in.
I thought the phrase "one day at a time" was sort of cheesy, until this past week it turned into "one field of corn at a time" then it turned into "one hour at a time" and then into "one load of corn at a time".

But, at the end of it all, I am still quit.

And this too shall lessen and pass.

Very well put young lady! All you did is show others you're human! Damn proud to be quit with you. Quit on and keep building that web of quit. Like you, helping others in turn strengthens my quit!

[harvestgirl]

Day 34-
I was going to write on Day 30, but the motivation and time escaped me. Work has been constant; 15+ hours/day, some longer, some shorter, and most of them without decent phone reception.
So, day 30 came and went. When I got home that night I checked KTC quick. I was surprised at how many people either commented on roll that day or sent me a pm to congratulate me on 30 days, not to mention the texts I received throughout the day. To me, 30 days was a big achievement but for it to seem to matter and make other people proud as well, made me feel on top of the world.

The next day was Woody's roughest day, and she wrote a post on our Jan quit group that got pretty popular. I had no idea about the post until the next day- all I knew is that her and I were texting. Again, I got messages, pm's, etc. thanking me for helping her. This time I was confused- I was just doing what she had done for me, and what I had done for others. Everyone is in this with each other. This is a website with over 30k quitters.

A few people have stated that I make quitting look easy, I'm so positive, this is looking like a breeze.

I'm sorry, but no.
There is a very dark side to my quit.
One side of me is totally done with chewing- I know I will not cave at this point. When I am done with something, I. Am. Done.

The other side though, I do not like that side. I am angry. I'm angry at myself for chewing in the first place, angry with stupid little things at my job, angry at lack of sleep, etc. At the beginning, the rage was like fireworks- instantly lit, exploding, and then fizzling out. This is a slow, underground, fiercely hot rage that simmers beneath the surface like magma pocket. When it boils over, my hands get bruised and I lose my voice.

If I'm even half an hour late on my medications, the depression and anxiety are overwhelming- thick, hot, and choking. It is a dark place. It is a low place. It is fragile.

The nic bitch is starting to lose her last grasp on my reality and she's slowly realizing it. She's making it painful. She wants her revenge. She's clawing on with one last angry hope.

I'm outwardly positive because the phrase "fake it till you make it" rings true. Helping others helps myself.
If I make it look easy, maybe that will encourage people to keep at it.

If I write this, maybe someone will realize they aren't alone. That this isn't easy, one week in, thirty days in, 100 days in, 1,000 days in.
I thought the phrase "one day at a time" was sort of cheesy, until this past week it turned into "one field of corn at a time" then it turned into "one hour at a time" and then into "one load of corn at a time".

But, at the end of it all, I am still quit.

And this too shall lessen and pass.

[JB65]

Nice work girl! As said on here many times, keep putting up those days. The clouds begin to break, things begin to be seen clearer.

I've always said every day i post my name on that roll in Nov 2015 i feel a little less like a loser for letting tobacco control my life for so long. Eurekea moments happen for different people at different stages of the quit.

Man you seem way ahead of where i was at 30+ days, and Im so proud of you, keep the updates coming!

[DWEIRICK]

Love seeing young quitters in Chat you don't know how much you help other people by being in there! Keep doing amazing stuff you're killing it!