I just quit. I don't even like to admit how many years I have been chewing tobacco or how many times I have tried to quit and failed. I always just figured I would not be addicted to dip at some point in my life. The years continue to roll by and my addiction just never disappeared. The years just keep rolling and I just keep dipping.
I have a family now and I don't want to die. If I don't stop I am going to die. My family needs me. I want to see my boys grow up.
I'm so tired of hiding and the guilt. I dip in the office at my desk thinking nobody knows. Well turns out people did know and they just didn't say anything. They have known for a long time and I was finally confronted. I dip on the train ride to work and spit in a dunkin donuts cup thinking no one knows. My 5 year old drank out of a spitter last week and my 2 year old ate a chunk off the floor a couple days ago. I felt so badly about doing this to my babies...so bad that I had to go outside to do some "chores" and have a big dip. I'm tired of "reading the paper" in the bathroom or running errands and telling my wife it took so long because there was traffic. I'm tired of paying $13 for a tin of Kodiak...yeah $13. That isn't a typo. Kodiak costs $13 a tin where I live. I am tired of going to bed 1/2 hour after my wife so I can have my last dip. I am tired of getting excited when my wife takes a shower because that's 5-10 minutes of dipping. I am tired of waking up in the middle of the night wondering if I have oral cancer.
I'm just so tired of chewing tobacco. I am so done with it.
I am three days in. I am experiencing extreme anxiety and I am beyond constipated. I feel slightly drunk.
It was weird leaving the house in the am and not having to find my tin. It was weird today getting coffee because I like coffee and not because I needed a spitter.
It feels different this time. I have failed so many times but this is the first time that I have just become fed up with my habit and quit on my own accord. It's only been a few days but this is the best I have ever felt about my chances. I will take it one day at a time.
Thank you for your support.
PBrain04 12/2/13