Day 51 –
Yesterday was my halfway point to HOF. While itÂ’s a great milestone in my quit, I realized for now itÂ’s still very much a daily struggle.
My day 47 was a mind blowing day. The night before I was talking with a July quit brother about his struggle with his quit. We ended up talking about addictions and sharing some of our addictive pasts. As I shared in my intro a few weeks ago, before I found this site I never thought of myself as an addict. Admitting I was a nic addict was a big step in my quit. What I realized during my conversation with him on Tuesday night was I had other addictions in my life, yet never used the word addict to describe it until right then. While IÂ’m beyond those addictions at this point in my life, Tuesday was the first time I actually admitted to myself they were addictions.
IÂ’ve been keeping a journal during my quit, writing every couple days or when I need to let shit out of my head. HereÂ’s part of what I wrote on Wednesday.
“My body was still somewhat numb this morning from the addict conversation the night before. Very little sleep. I’m not sure, but with all my thoughts and the separation from the nic bitch, maybe I went into an anxiety attack or something this afternoon. That’s when the major craves started, inability to focus and my hands were shaking a bit. WOW! Nothing like this before with my quit or previous quit attempts. I needed to get into the chat room….work allows entry to the forum, chat room is blocked. Tried on my smart phone it kept locking….I was absolutely worthless for about 1.5 hours. Reached out with a few texts….good to get me through the afternoon. Had a couple conference calls and was outta there at 1700 on the mark. Got home right into chat. It was good to let some of this stuff out…talking with some of the vets who have been around a while been through it all. If someone had put a can in front of me this afternoon, I would have had to make calls as I seriously would have considered caving. Logically I know the dip wouldn’t help anything and make it all worse, but the fucking mind games the nic bitch plays on ya. Just when you think the quit is going well, boom….she appears and slaps you upside the head. The dirty little whore…..I’m not going to be a slave to her any longer…fuck off bitch…I’m quit. Sheesh! I read about and hear in chat about guys going through some really tough shit with their quit. I’m thinking my first week was tough, but nothing like these guys are going through. Well today I experienced some of the shit they’re going through and it wasn’t pretty. I certainly have a greater respect for them and their quit. What a day.”
Without a doubt, Day 47 was my most difficult. Without KTC, the accountability and support, I would have not made it through Wednesday. I know there will be more similar challenges in the next 50 and IÂ’m armed ready for that dirty little whore one day at a time.
So on a bit of a different note…..In church this morning a video was played for Mother’s Day and there were kids saying lots of things about their moms. One comment really struck me. The child said “I really like my mom because she enjoys spending time with me and not alone.” Think about how often we have spent time alone with our dip at the sacrifice of our families. Out of the mouths of children comes the honesty we should be asking ourselves.
Stay strong stay quit my KTC brothers.
