I'm A Douche

[G]

Bump.

Please use this thread which I and others have bumped numerous times for others struggling to take their mind off the quit.

No need to start a new thread.

[G]

When I read some of the things I wrote here, I want to throw up.  So before I get to the official introduction, let me get some things out on the table...

1.  This site has helped me more than anything else I've ever tried in my Quit.
2.  I rocked it while I was here.
3.  I didn't stay.
4.  I caved.
5.  I own my douchery and my weakness.
6.  I'm back and more determined this time.

Here, while we're talking about my idiocy, are some of the awesome things I wrote in my initial introduction -

"...I Will Always Be Stronger Than Any Vice.  And I Will Never Cave..."

I wasn't.  And I did.

"...If I ever decided to cave, I just wouldn't show up here anymore...

I did.  And I didn't.

"...And I Am Not Weak..."

Alone, at least, I am.

"...I am a member of KTC April 2009, And I Am A Quitter...

I was.  And now I am a Quitter again.  For the second time.

Now, I know I'm not the only one who has ever caved, but I was absolutely sure that my inherent awesomeness would overcome any cravings and it did, for a while.  After some time though, I got even more cocky than I usually am, and I stopped coming here.  Stopped logging in.  Stopped conversing with my fellow Quitters.

I thought I could continue my Quit on my own.  And I was wrong.

So, here I am.  Back again. 

For the 2nd time, which I never thought would happen to me.

Quitting sucked, but not as much as caving, so here's what I'm going to do:

I'm going to go to the June 2012 group and log in my Day #1.

Then I'm going to go to the April 2009 group and apologize.

Then I'm going to lean on the people I should have been leaning on all along.

C'mon man!!!! 'Crazy'

Did the HOF mean anything to you?
Did going thru all the bullshit mean nothing to you?

You might want to tell your old group what happened........

Do you know how many folks have read your posts to pass craves or been helped by your quit advice? Unfuckinbelievable.

[Grizzly25]

When I read some of the things I wrote here, I want to throw up.  So before I get to the official introduction, let me get some things out on the table...

1.  This site has helped me more than anything else I've ever tried in my Quit.
2.  I rocked it while I was here.
3.  I didn't stay.
4.  I caved.
5.  I own my douchery and my weakness.
6.  I'm back and more determined this time.

Here, while we're talking about my idiocy, are some of the awesome things I wrote in my initial introduction -

"...I Will Always Be Stronger Than Any Vice.  And I Will Never Cave..."

I wasn't.  And I did.

"...If I ever decided to cave, I just wouldn't show up here anymore...

I did.  And I didn't.

"...And I Am Not Weak..."

Alone, at least, I am.

"...I am a member of KTC April 2009, And I Am A Quitter...

I was.  And now I am a Quitter again.  For the second time.

Now, I know I'm not the only one who has ever caved, but I was absolutely sure that my inherent awesomeness would overcome any cravings and it did, for a while.  After some time though, I got even more cocky than I usually am, and I stopped coming here.  Stopped logging in.  Stopped conversing with my fellow Quitters.

I thought I could continue my Quit on my own.  And I was wrong.

So, here I am.  Back again. 

For the 2nd time, which I never thought would happen to me.

Quitting sucked, but not as much as caving, so here's what I'm going to do:

I'm going to go to the June 2012 group and log in my Day #1.

Then I'm going to go to the April 2009 group and apologize.

Then I'm going to lean on the people I should have been leaning on all along.

C'mon man!!!! 'Crazy'

Did the HOF mean anything to you?
Did going thru all the bullshit mean nothing to you?

You might want to tell your old group what happened........

[RAZD611]

When I read some of the things I wrote here, I want to throw up. So before I get to the official introduction, let me get some things out on the table...

1. This site has helped me more than anything else I've ever tried in my Quit.
2. I rocked it while I was here.
3. I didn't stay.
4. I caved.
5. I own my douchery and my weakness.
6. I'm back and more determined this time.

Here, while we're talking about my idiocy, are some of the awesome things I wrote in my initial introduction -

"...I Will Always Be Stronger Than Any Vice. And I Will Never Cave..."

I wasn't. And I did.

"...If I ever decided to cave, I just wouldn't show up here anymore...

I did. And I didn't.

"...And I Am Not Weak..."

Alone, at least, I am.

"...I am a member of KTC April 2009, And I Am A Quitter...

I was. And now I am a Quitter again. For the second time.

Now, I know I'm not the only one who has ever caved, but I was absolutely sure that my inherent awesomeness would overcome any cravings and it did, for a while. After some time though, I got even more cocky than I usually am, and I stopped coming here. Stopped logging in. Stopped conversing with my fellow Quitters.

I thought I could continue my Quit on my own. And I was wrong.

So, here I am. Back again.

For the 2nd time, which I never thought would happen to me.

Quitting sucked, but not as much as caving, so here's what I'm going to do:

I'm going to go to the June 2012 group and log in my Day #1.

Then I'm going to go to the April 2009 group and apologize.

Then I'm going to lean on the people I should have been leaning on all along.

WTF is this shit???????

Razd shakes his head in dismay and turns and walks away to go sit and reflect for a while.

[SWJ]

When I read some of the things I wrote here, I want to throw up. So before I get to the official introduction, let me get some things out on the table...

1. This site has helped me more than anything else I've ever tried in my Quit.
2. I rocked it while I was here.
3. I didn't stay.
4. I caved.
5. I own my douchery and my weakness.
6. I'm back and more determined this time.

Here, while we're talking about my idiocy, are some of the awesome things I wrote in my initial introduction -

"...I Will Always Be Stronger Than Any Vice. And I Will Never Cave..."

I wasn't. And I did.

"...If I ever decided to cave, I just wouldn't show up here anymore...

I did. And I didn't.

"...And I Am Not Weak..."

Alone, at least, I am.

"...I am a member of KTC April 2009, And I Am A Quitter...

I was. And now I am a Quitter again. For the second time.

Now, I know I'm not the only one who has ever caved, but I was absolutely sure that my inherent awesomeness would overcome any cravings and it did, for a while. After some time though, I got even more cocky than I usually am, and I stopped coming here. Stopped logging in. Stopped conversing with my fellow Quitters.

I thought I could continue my Quit on my own. And I was wrong.

So, here I am. Back again.

For the 2nd time, which I never thought would happen to me.

Quitting sucked, but not as much as caving, so here's what I'm going to do:

I'm going to go to the June 2012 group and log in my Day #1.

Then I'm going to go to the April 2009 group and apologize.

Then I'm going to lean on the people I should have been leaning on all along.

[G]

Bump.

[Bruce]

I spent many of hours ready this guys shit, good way to kill the crave

[theweatherman]

holy shit! :o Somebody get that man a TV show!

[KayakKurt]

A Brief Reflection On The Douche

I'm fascinated by the douche.

So much fascination have I, that I looked up some shit about douches.

Here is some of the vaginal propaganda that I found, and I'm not making this shit up.

"...The depth of the Summer's Eve® product line has options for every woman, whether she wants a daily freshening routine or just occasional odor protection. Summer's Eve® can fit even the busiest lifestyle with on-the-go options, perfect for gym bags or purses, so every woman can enjoy a fresh, clean feeling all day, every day..."

Now first of all, a "daily freshening routine" to me means that you chew some fucking Juicy Fruit.

Or that you rub some SpeedStick on your shirt before going to your wedding ceremony.

It does not mean that you pour the equivalent of a 32oz Big Gulp in your cake hole.

That's gross.

And second of all, even if a bitch needs to hose out her shit, is it really that important that she be able to do it "on-the-go"...?

What the fuck does that mean anyway...?

On an escalator...?  Waiting in line at Starbucks...?  In Coach on an airplane...?

My opinion = Douching and "on-the-go" should have nothing to do with each other.

Here's another excerpt regarding the care of your honeypot -

"...Summer's Eve® products also are professionally tested to ensure their safety so a woman shouldn't worry that our products will cause irritation or harsh reactions..."

Hold the fuck on.

Professionally tested...?  Can you imagine working at that crab lab...?

ME:  Hey.

YOU:  What...?

ME:  That licorice douche you came up with...?

YOU:  Yeah, what about it...?

ME:  We had it professionally tested.

YOU:  So...?

ME:  Box #1 swelled up a little.

YOU:  So what...?

ME:  By "a little" I mean that the shit looks like the Lincoln Tunnel with hair on it.

YOU:  Dang.

And how do you get the job of "professional douche tester" anyway...?

The CEO of Massengill get a whiff of your fly-blown cakehole at the local grocery store or some shit...?

"Excuse me madam, but holy mother of god, your pie stinks.  We could really use a cooch like yours down at the lab."

Plus, this whole business of douchery is simply not fair to dudes.

Try entering "my balls stink" or even "my crotch is rank" into your Google search bar.

Nothing, right?

There's no comparable product for a dude whose gootch smells like a trash fire.

And even if there was, no self-respecting dude would buy it.

A real man would just smear SpeedStick on his shit.

Bitches need to just lighten up and have sex with us more often.

Anything that you keep closed up tight all the time is going to smell bad after a while.

Holy shit this guy is freaking funny, where the hell is he now? 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup'

Don't know where he is now, but he needs to get back on here!!

But on the same note, as long as he's not caving I am happy for him and hope he's spending al ot of time with his wife and kids.

[bigwhitebeast]

A Brief Reflection On The Douche

I'm fascinated by the douche.

So much fascination have I, that I looked up some shit about douches.

Here is some of the vaginal propaganda that I found, and I'm not making this shit up.

"...The depth of the Summer's Eve® product line has options for every woman, whether she wants a daily freshening routine or just occasional odor protection. Summer's Eve® can fit even the busiest lifestyle with on-the-go options, perfect for gym bags or purses, so every woman can enjoy a fresh, clean feeling all day, every day..."

Now first of all, a "daily freshening routine" to me means that you chew some fucking Juicy Fruit.

Or that you rub some SpeedStick on your shirt before going to your wedding ceremony.

It does not mean that you pour the equivalent of a 32oz Big Gulp in your cake hole.

That's gross.

And second of all, even if a bitch needs to hose out her shit, is it really that important that she be able to do it "on-the-go"...?

What the fuck does that mean anyway...?

On an escalator...? Waiting in line at Starbucks...? In Coach on an airplane...?

My opinion = Douching and "on-the-go" should have nothing to do with each other.

Here's another excerpt regarding the care of your honeypot -

"...Summer's Eve® products also are professionally tested to ensure their safety so a woman shouldn't worry that our products will cause irritation or harsh reactions..."

Hold the fuck on.

Professionally tested...? Can you imagine working at that crab lab...?

ME: Hey.

YOU: What...?

ME: That licorice douche you came up with...?

YOU: Yeah, what about it...?

ME: We had it professionally tested.

YOU: So...?

ME: Box #1 swelled up a little.

YOU: So what...?

ME: By "a little" I mean that the shit looks like the Lincoln Tunnel with hair on it.

YOU: Dang.

And how do you get the job of "professional douche tester" anyway...?

The CEO of Massengill get a whiff of your fly-blown cakehole at the local grocery store or some shit...?

"Excuse me madam, but holy mother of god, your pie stinks. We could really use a cooch like yours down at the lab."

Plus, this whole business of douchery is simply not fair to dudes.

Try entering "my balls stink" or even "my crotch is rank" into your Google search bar.

Nothing, right?

There's no comparable product for a dude whose gootch smells like a trash fire.

And even if there was, no self-respecting dude would buy it.

A real man would just smear SpeedStick on his shit.

Bitches need to just lighten up and have sex with us more often.

Anything that you keep closed up tight all the time is going to smell bad after a while.

Holy shit this guy is freaking funny, where the hell is he now? 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup'

[Buckfever99]

LOL!! I'm gonna stop readin this and save it fer a crave. This is makin my eyes water. Hilarious!!! Buck

[KayakKurt]

Fuckin hilarious! Glad I found this thread. Don't know what happened to SWJ, but I hope he comes back and posts some more.

So here's a bump.

This thread has helped this newb keep his mind off of craves.

If you're a newb goto the very last page, and read it from start to finish.

You'll be crying from laughing so hard.

[IRISH]

Killing Weeds  Kicking Ass

Yesterday, I was getting ready to kill some weeds.

It might come as no surprise to you that I don't kill weeds like a pussy.

None of that pluck-them-out-of-the-ground-one-by-one shit.

No thank you.

I prefer the weedocide method of spraying the weed and every living thing around it with a Napalm carcinogen.

I kill weeds like I do everything else.

I kick ass.

However, not wanting to kill the other shit around my weeds, I was trying to figure out if the stuff I was going to hit them with was going to decimate my grass.

Then, the epiphany.

My neighbor has some of the same weeds - I could just spray his shit and see how much of it died.

So, I was mixing up four gallons of liquid death when my wife came out into the garage.

HER: What are you doing...?

ME:

HER: Hey.

ME: What...?

HER: I said, what are you doing...?

ME: An experiment.

HER: What kind of experiment...? What are you talking about...?

ME: Don't worry about it.

HER: Don't you spray that stuff on the neighbor's lawn.

So, while in my mind, I drop kicked her in the face for bossing me around, I actually lied.

I told her that I would never do anything like that and asked her what kind of insensitive clod she took me for.

Then, when she went back inside, I went over and sprayed my neighbor's flowerbed.

This morning, I went to see how much of his shit had wrinkled up and died, and he came out of his garage and tried to bust me.

DOUCHE NEIGHBOR: Hey there, neighbor! Top o' the morning to you!

ME:

DOUCHE NEIGHBOR: Whatcha doin there...?

ME: Seeing what happens when I spray weed killer on your flower beds.

DOUCHE NEIGHBOR: Hahahaha...!

And that's how you handle shit.

I can not stop LAUGHING! Oh m God, this shit is funny.

We need to track this guy down.

[Nolaq]

More people should be reading this

Yes. This is the most entertaining thread on the entire site.

This thread is a masterpiece. Where the hell is this guy? I can't stop looking at his avatar . . . it cracks me up.

SWJ is indeed awesome.

'worship'

[IRISH]

More people should be reading this

Yes. This is the most entertaining thread on the entire site.

This thread is a masterpiece. Where the hell is this guy? I can't stop looking at his avatar . . . it cracks me up.