I Had A Gerbil
I had this gerbil once named Bear.
Bear was a black gerbil - Like all gangster and shit.
And he was huge. He probably weighed like a pound or something.
I only ever had one gerbil because if I had gotten another one and put him in the cage with Bear, he would have made the other gerbil his bitch.
Bear was nasty.
He even got out one time and the cat didn't even eat him.
Bear apparently schooled the cat on how he would get his shit stomped if he tried chewing on him, because the next day I found Bear, safe and sound, sleeping in an old box of Star Wars toys.
Anyway, Bear got wicked old. I think I had this fucking gerbil for like 10 years and I'm pretty sure that's like 102 in people years or something.
And he just got fatter and meaner.
Plus I got tired of taking care of his ass.
So I decided to let him go. Outside.
I took him outside and put him down right next to the wood line.
Bear waddled off into the woods, and I felt sure that some owl was going to be able to eat for a week once he peeped that fat fuck wandering around.
I slept like a baby that night.
The next morning I woke up and went into the kitchen to make coffee.
When I looked out the window, and I swear I'm not making this up, that fat bastard was sitting on a rock with a chipmunk.
Staring at me.
You little turd, I thought. Went out and pimped a chipmunk and brought her back here so you could both give me the stink eye.
Fuck you, Bear, I told him through the window, and gave him the stink eye right back.
He didn't scare me.
Well, that little fucker showed up every day after that with his chipmunk bitch.
Every morning I'd have to look out there and see their dumb asses sitting on that rock, laughing together and eating deer shit.
One morning, about a week later, I looked out the window and Bear was sitting by himself on the steps to the back door.
And he didn't look so good.
He was kind of staring off into space and his whiskers were all scraggled.
He looked like a little firecracker had gone off in his fat face.
I taunted him about his little chipmunk friend having left him for a squirrel.
Then I decided then to give him a pick-me-up by peeing on him.
That'll scare him off, I thought because animals generally don't like to get peed on.
So I let fly with a morning squirt that would have knocked over a small child.
I even shot it up in the air first so that it would come down on his head with more force.
That stupid gerbil just sat there and let me pee on his head. Never moved.
And instead of thinking about what a rotten thing it is to pee on someone, I thought to myself, That gerbil is really fucked up.
So there we stood.
Me with my stuff out and Bear sitting on the step with a little bald spot on the top of his head where my pee had parted his hair.
Whiskers all gnarled up and dripping - Pathetic.
So I got an oven mitt out of the kitchen and scooped him up.
I felt a little bit bad about what I had done to him but he stunk so I didn't worry about it too much.
The two of us walked together into the woods, said our goodbyes, and I dropped him down a hole next to a maple tree.
Fuck him.
I hate gerbils.
