I'm A Douche

[SWJ]

A Brief Analysis Of Jay's Analysis

I'm throwing out the red flag on this.

At the risk of losing a time-out I am going to challenge...

First of all, you do get a fucking time out.

For the next 10 seconds, I'm not talking to you.

...humor is typically derived from one of three sources:

1. One's own weakness, suffering or loss
and/or
2. The weakness, suffering or loss of others
and/or
3. Physical abnormalities

I have no weaknesses.

If this statement is true, then one would have to conclude that you would INDEED "give two shits about the fact that your balls are a weird shape or a different color than they should be."

If you are questioning whether or not I would be concerned if my own balls were a weird shape, I certainly would.

I just don't care what kind of crotch-drama is going on with other dudes.

Mainly because that shit would be hilarious, and you wouldn't be able to pass a stranger on the street without sharing the knowledge of said scrotal abnormality in addition to referring to the guy as "crayola balls" or " "squash nuts"

You have got me there.

Although sharing a detailed medical analysis of your balls will simply give me the green light to crush your sternum, I would find it hilarious.

Especially if there was a weird rash or debilitating itchiness involved.

That's funny shit.

[jaydisco]

I'm throwing out the red flag on this.

At the risk of losing a time-out I am going to challenge the following ruling:

"Nor do I give two shits about the fact that your balls are a weird shape or a different color than they should be."

My case: People from the northeast are generally funny-ass pricks. They are steeped in sarcasm from a young age, and have evolved and acute sense of wit often coupled with cynicism (more than likely related to the fucked up weather patterns they are subjected to). Their humor is typically derived from one of three sources:

1. One's own weakness, suffering or loss
and/or
2. The weakness, suffering or loss of others
and/or
3. Physical abnormalities

You are from the northeast, and have proved beyond a reasonable doubt that you are a funny-ass prick; Exhibiting sarcasm, and acute sense of wit and cynicism, and certainly deriving your humor from the the above mentioned sources.

If this statement is true, then one would have to conclude that you would INDEED "give two shits about the fact that your balls are a weird shape or a different color than they should be."

Mainly because that shit would be hilarious, and you wouldn't be able to pass a stranger on the street without sharing the knowledge of said scrotal abnormality in addition to referring to the guy as "crayola balls" or " "squash nuts"

[RoyJester]

Jesus Christ...funny. My two cents:

I don't believe there is a problem with the masturbating in the first place, Roy. 

Example: "It is fucking awesome jerking off in front of you douchebags."

See...? No need to explain yourself, Roy. Whether a real itch or just itching to cum inside your pants, it's cool.

Dude, I don't think you're getting it...

It is generally acceptable for you to make an exclamation about your genitals, especially if you include at least one cuss word.

Your statement was neither an exclamation nor did it contain enough profanity.

Status of genital endowment should also be included.

Now I may be out of line but I believe the proper response would be:

Example: "Few more jerks on my monster fucking cock and the bastard's gonna blow!"

[ScooterScum]

What goes well with your decision to talk to me about your raging case of crotch rot...?


How about my foot colliding swiftly with your nut sac and you doubled over in pain.


Chances are good that I know more about your wife's crotch than you do anyway.


I am more awesome than your kid because I can spell better, I get more pussy, and I just generally rock harder.


The last twat that knocked on my door "for a good cause" got kung-fu'ed in the face and ended up in a pile in the middle of my front yard with a blistering hernia.

Classic!!!! 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup' Fucking Classic!!!!!!! 'crackup' 'crackup' 'crackup'

[DeanTheCoot]

Jesus Christ...funny. My two cents:

I don't believe there is a problem with the masturbating in the first place, Roy.

Example: "It is fucking awesome jerking off in front of you douchebags."

See...? No need to explain yourself, Roy. Whether a real itch or just itching to cum inside your pants, it's cool.

[SWJ]

Just a quick question, I consider saying "fuck my balls itch" to be a courtesy to those around so they know I'm not masturbating.  I agree saying "the HIgh fiVe I got rompin' other dudes asses is causing uncomfortable scrotum issues" is well out of line and should be kept on the DL.

comments...?

Good question, Roy and thank you for tuning in.

In my opinion, you should remember this simple mantra:

It is generally acceptable for you to make an exclamation about your genitals, especially if you include at least one cuss word.

Example: "Good lord, my balls are fucking huge."

That's an impressive statement right there.

It is not however, acceptable to refer to someone else's genitals in the same sentence.

Example: "Boy, my balls are fucking huge but they're not as awesome as Larry's."

You see...? Not nearly as impressive.

By the simple turn of a phrase, your gayness would no longer be in question.

[RoyJester]

1. Your Genital Problems.

Just a quick question, I consider saying "fuck my balls itch" to be a courtesy to those around so they know I'm not masturbating. I agree saying "the HIgh fiVe I got rompin' other dudes asses is causing uncomfortable scrotum issues" is well out of line and should be kept on the DL.

comments...?

[SWJ]

So, I was having breakfast with a couple of guys the other morning and, in the middle of the conversation, one dude said that, at least in the wintertime, his wife doesn't shave her legs or her pits.

For real.

So, being the good friend that I am, I made retching noises in his face and pointed my finger at him and laughed.

After that though, I thought of some things you should never, ever talk about.

Ever.

1. Your Genital Problems.

I know it's tough to believe, but I couldn't care less about what's going on in your Danger Zone.

The fact that your crotch is chapped or chafed doesn't interest me in the least.

Nor do I give two shits about the fact that your balls are a weird shape or a different color than they should be.

In fact, you choosing to share any information at all with me regarding your chassis is liable to make whatever malady you have even worse.

What goes well with your decision to talk to me about your raging case of crotch rot...?

How about my foot colliding swiftly with your nut sac and you doubled over in pain.

That's awesome.

2. Other People's Genital Problems.

See #1 before discussing your wife's crotch with me.

Chances are good that I know more about your wife's crotch than you do anyway.

3. How Smart Your Kids Are

No matter how great your kids are, I'm better.

So your little Timmy is a whiz at spelling...?

Wow.

Can he spell "cunnilinigus"...?

I think not.

I am more awesome than your kid because I can spell better, I get more pussy, and I just generally rock harder.

Remember that.

And you can tell that little butthole I said so.

4. How Awesome Your Cell Phone Is

I'm not a cell phone guy.

If I could manage to carry around a pay-phone, I would.

So your phone does a million different things.

Guess what...

It's still a phone, shit-for-brains.

Now guess what my cell phone does....

It makes fucking phone calls.

If you whip your piece-of-shit phone out during a conversation and start fucking with it, I will automatically invent one of the following new uses for it:

a. Suppository
b. Football
c. Blunt instrument of pain

Keep it in your fancy belt clip, Spock.

5. Whatever You're In Training For

As soon as you tell me you're in training for something, I'm mentally estimating how fat you are.

I'm also gauging how much faster I am than you.

Plus, I don't care whether or not "it's for a good cause".

Whenever someone says "...it's for a good cause..." it means that that person is a pussy who doesn't have the mojo to slam their front door in someone else's face.

The last twat that knocked on my door "for a good cause" got kung-fu'ed in the face and ended up in a pile in the middle of my front yard with a blistering hernia.

Here is a short list of subjects that are always acceptable to discuss:

1. Me
2. Lobo
3. Lo-Pan
4. Meat
5. Banging Kelly Ripa
6. Kung-fu

Keep it in mind.

[Skoal Monster]

great, I start reading this thread and now the whole family thinks Im more batshit crazy than ever. I have been laughing out loud and spitting coffee on the keyboard for a half hour.

[SWJ]

It's funny you mentioned Kate Gosselin.

I heard she was planning to sell a couple of her kids to raise money in light of her recent divorce proceedings.

She should probably keep the ones that look more Asian and sell the ones that look like her.

I also read that she was trying to patent her "I'm A Life-Sucking Bitch" hair-do.

Words cannot express how badly I want to kung-fu that nagging shrew.

I would actually pay for her trip to North Korea...

[DeanTheCoot]

Yet another stupendously funny installment.

"...get all up in North Korea's face." Brilliant.

Lo Pan is fucking North Korean, isn't he?

Is Jon from "Jon  Kate Plus Eight" North Korean? Because if he is, I'll stop fucking his wife.

I am KEEPING the drawings his kids gave me, though.

[SWJ]

A Lesson On North Korea

I've been thinking lately about the two female reporters that got arrested in North Korea.

It's a little late for them, but for those of you thinking of going to North Korea, here are some tips:

1. You're An Idiot.

You have to be a complete retard to want to go to North Korea.

North Korea does not fuck around.

You know how countries like Japan export electronics and ones like Ireland export potatoes...?

North Korea exports bad-assery.

And they do not care what you think.

2. Have A Really, Really Good Reason.

These two bitches went to North Korea for Al Gore's TV network.

Are you fucking kidding me...?

This is NOT an example of a good reason.

3. Be From North Korea.

If you're from North Korea, and you left but now want to go back...?

Don't.

They're pissed at you.

It might help that your cousin is the one in charge of public floggings, but he probably won't care.

Stay where you are and open a dry-cleaners instead.

4. Keep In Mind That No One Cares.

When you get caught in North Korea, your family will make noise like they're pissed off about your capture.

They're really not.

They're afraid of North Korea.

They know that no one can step to North Korea's shit and they also know you're fucked.

Your mom will do a lot of things for you, but she will refuse to get all up in North Korea's face.

5. "Labor Camp" Is Not What You Think.

This is not a week long activity for pregnant bitches, nor does it involve campfires or sleeping in cabins.

Those two ding-dongs got sentenced to 12 years in a North Korean labor camp.

Their shit is ruined because North Korea specializes in acting all hostile.

Essentially, the entire country of North Korea is like a scary troll cave where crazy, pissed off ninjas on PCP live.

But if you still want to go, at least you'll save on airfare because you certainly won't need a return ticket.

[GlennFtheKodiak]

I want you in me

LMAO. Dean you are so fucking twisted.

[DeanTheCoot]

I want you in me

[SWJ]

I don't know what's more disturbing -

The fact that you found my original eulogy touching enough to repeat...

Or that you actually got yours to rhyme.