My Ass
I have recently read, on other pages similar to this one but of moderately less significance, much discussion about asses.
Although in certain social circles this kind of literary behavior would be classified as gay, I recognize that in this particular circle, such discussion is of great cultural importance.
I therefore thought it would be prudent to dispel some of the myths surrounding the everyday caboose, as well as expound upon some of its more enticing and endearing characteristics.
1. Your ass has its own personality.
Your ass is like a pet or a small child.
Sometimes innocent and quiet, and sometimes irresponsible and outspoken, you should remember that the inherent personality of your ass may change from time to time.
If you scratch it too much, it becomes irritable and cranky.
If you try to put things in it that don't belong there, it rebels, closing itself like a petulant child crossing her arms in defiance.
Sometimes it is happy - Squeaking and popping off with delight.
Sometimes it is sad - Mournful tones can be heard emanating from its maw.
It is up to you, as a responsible ass owner, to know and recognize the needs of your ass and to care for it accordingly.
2. Your ass always smells worse than mine.
No matter who you are or what you have recently eaten, the bouquet radiating from your trunk will always smell, at least to other ass owners, decidedly awful.
Even if it were good form to complement the offender on the uniqueness of and enlightenment you just attained from getting a good whiff of his or her exhaust, you should not do it.
That is because it is universally understood that everyone's ass smells worse than your own.
It's just the way it is.
Likewise, the cloud drifting up your back and the sound accompanying its arrival will always make you laugh and smile, but will cause others to exclaim that you smell like a grass fire.
3. Farting is always funny.
No matter who you are and no matter what social or financial status you have obtained, farting is hilarious.
Don't try to deny it.
If, perchance, you have decided that you are of a social strata that no longer finds the humor in farting, you have unknowingly turned into one of the following:
a. A fag.
b. A woman.
Accept it.
The ass-trumpet was invented for the sole purpose of giving us something to smile and laugh about when fat girls or minorities are scarce.
4. Your ass has built in accessories.
Most ass owners, through sheer lack of personal education, are convinced that their ass is nothing but a simple and inelegant machine of singular purpose.
This is short-sighted and wrong.
Take the catch basin, for example.
The catch basin is that purposeful dimple immediately north of your ass-crack.
As you may have inadvertently realized, it is singular in its designated purpose of collecting every piece of lint that has come within five feet of your body throughout the day.
Even the lint from your dress socks ends up nestled in the crack of your ass.
Most of you, in inspecting the precious cargo from your catch basin, would be amazed to find weird things in there.
Hairs from every member of your family, and dryer lint are two of them.
How do they get there...?
Through the genetic majesty of your ass-crack-dimple.
It's just doing its job.
Your gootch or taint is yet another oft overlooked ass accoutrement.
Ever present, your gootch stands dutifully ready to do its job at a moment's notice.
Simply scratch it to behold the resultant feeling of blissful awesomeness.
As many of you may know, it too can be used to store and transport valuable objects.
Socially though, it is expected that you will store your sock lint in your catch basin and never in your gootch.
5. Exercising your ass counts as a hobby.
Most people poop only when they have to.
And even then, they are decidedly unscrupulous in choosing a respectable place to to their business.
Even worse, the transaction is often rushed and hurried unnecessarily.
Taking a dump should be viewed as an experience to be savored.
It should also be done in a carefully selected environment.
The responsible ass owner will deliver the mail in one selected bathroom in the home, time after time.
If that particular bathroom is otherwise occupied, you should wait.
After all, your reading material or hand-held video game is in there.
At my house, for example, the only way you could get me to spend more time taking a crap is if I actually got paid by the hour to do it.
It is a perfectly acceptable thing to do if you are bored. You don't even really need to go.
So to review, your ass is the perfect blend of science and human design. It is useful for all kinds of things, each of which is more often overlooked than the next.
Make the most of your ass -
Show it proudly to others -
Let its song be heard by all -
It is, after all, only natural.
