I'm A Douche

[RoyJester]

Put me on the waiting list for the first Chrystler Steroid!

Woo! Check that shit out! Booya, bitches! --- (Me practicing CEO-level customer enthusiasm)

Thanks a fuckin' million sir! Glad you like the idea, or wait, you came up with that idea. I'm too stupid to come up with awesome shit like that being a minimum wage paid flunky and all. You are the greatest boss a turd like me could ever hope to have! You kick ass, wanna bang my sister? -------{an example of the low pay enthusiasm you should expect to endure}

[SWJ]

Put me on the waiting list for the first Chrystler Steroid!

Woo! Check that shit out! Booya, bitches! --- (Me practicing CEO-level customer enthusiasm)

[RoyJester]

How To Fix The Automobile Industry

I'm considering going into the car business.

Now I'm not talking about opening some pathetically shitty dealership out of a trailer across from the Taco Bell.

I'm thinking about buying Chrysler.

I figure that, since the wife and I have saved up a pretty fair sum over the years, and we both speak English, we ought to be able to shove those Fiat guys aside pretty easily.

I already had that money earmarked for a new leaf blower, but that can wait another couple months.

Plus, I already know how I would do things differently:

1.  Executive Compensation.

I would not pay people a lot of money to kiss my ass. 

High-priced executives are no better at kissing ass than minimum wage guys. 

Plus, the minimum wage dudes probably do it with more enthusiasm and sincerity. 

And if there's one thing I like in an accomplished ass-smoocher, it's sincerity.

2.  Product Accessorization #1.

Every car we made would have a blower sticking out of the hood. 

Every car should have a blower poking out of it, like the SST toys I had when I was a kid. 

You know, the ones where you stuck the handle in the hole in the roof and then pulled it to make the car go...? 

Come to think of it, those toys usually had a big, drooling, snotty monster poking his head out of the roof hole too. 

I'd leave out the monster though.

3.  Product Accessorization #2.

I'd make a rule that all rear tires had to be 8 sizes bigger than the front tires. 

If your car has a blower sticking out of it, you have to also have huge tires. 

They're awesome.

4.  Targeted Advertising.

My car commercials would be hard-core. 

There would be no sappy music, and no nature scenes. 

No talk about saving the earth either. 

My car commercials would feature people driving their monster cars through the shopping cart corals at the mall and then laughing and drinking beers with their friends, all of whom would be strippers.

Hot ones. 

And the announcer would tell the you that you were a fag basket if you didn't drive one. 

Then he would threaten you.

5.  Innovative Dealer Network.

My dealerships would be flexible with trade-ins. 

If you wanted to put your daughter into a year of indentured servitude in exchange for one of my cars, we'd probably let you. 

Or you could buy one of my cars for beer. 

That's what's known in the industry as "creative, customer-oriented financing".

6.  Limited Industry Partnerships.

I would plan raids on the other car companies. 

Like, instead of having a meeting, we would just all drive over to the Ford plant and bust in and wreck the place. 

A little in-your-face competition never hurt anyone. 

In fact, strategically fucking up the other guy's mojo is capitalism at its finest. 

They might act all high and mighty, but all their guys would be scared to come to work.

7.  Proper product nomenclature.

None of my cars would have dumb names like Intrepid or Cavalier or Sonata. 

Our cars would have names that inspired. 

Think about it - Chrysler Shogun....Chrysler Battleaxe....Chrysler Havoc

Those names kick ass.

8.  Energetic Shareholder Interaction.

In order to uphold the company's image of awesomeness, I'd act awesome all the time.

At shareholder meetings, I'd address everyone as "Bitch".

I'd also say things like "Check it out!", "Suck on that!", and "Booya!"

Maintaining an internal level of corporate excitement is important.

Anyway, I'm going to talk to my wife about it tonight at supper.

I'm sure she'll be into it.

Is that an original post?

Put me on the waiting list for the first Chrystler Steroid!

[GlennFtheKodiak]

How To Fix The Automobile Industry

I'm considering going into the car business.

Now I'm not talking about opening some pathetically shitty dealership out of a trailer across from the Taco Bell.

I'm thinking about buying Chrysler.

I figure that, since the wife and I have saved up a pretty fair sum over the years, and we both speak English, we ought to be able to shove those Fiat guys aside pretty easily.

I already had that money earmarked for a new leaf blower, but that can wait another couple months.

Plus, I already know how I would do things differently:

1.  Executive Compensation.

I would not pay people a lot of money to kiss my ass. 

High-priced executives are no better at kissing ass than minimum wage guys. 

Plus, the minimum wage dudes probably do it with more enthusiasm and sincerity. 

And if there's one thing I like in an accomplished ass-smoocher, it's sincerity.

2.  Product Accessorization #1.

Every car we made would have a blower sticking out of the hood. 

Every car should have a blower poking out of it, like the SST toys I had when I was a kid. 

You know, the ones where you stuck the handle in the hole in the roof and then pulled it to make the car go...? 

Come to think of it, those toys usually had a big, drooling, snotty monster poking his head out of the roof hole too. 

I'd leave out the monster though.

3.  Product Accessorization #2.

I'd make a rule that all rear tires had to be 8 sizes bigger than the front tires. 

If your car has a blower sticking out of it, you have to also have huge tires. 

They're awesome.

4.  Targeted Advertising.

My car commercials would be hard-core. 

There would be no sappy music, and no nature scenes. 

No talk about saving the earth either. 

My car commercials would feature people driving their monster cars through the shopping cart corals at the mall and then laughing and drinking beers with their friends, all of whom would be strippers.

Hot ones. 

And the announcer would tell the you that you were a fag basket if you didn't drive one. 

Then he would threaten you.

5.  Innovative Dealer Network.

My dealerships would be flexible with trade-ins. 

If you wanted to put your daughter into a year of indentured servitude in exchange for one of my cars, we'd probably let you. 

Or you could buy one of my cars for beer. 

That's what's known in the industry as "creative, customer-oriented financing".

6.  Limited Industry Partnerships.

I would plan raids on the other car companies. 

Like, instead of having a meeting, we would just all drive over to the Ford plant and bust in and wreck the place. 

A little in-your-face competition never hurt anyone. 

In fact, strategically fucking up the other guy's mojo is capitalism at its finest. 

They might act all high and mighty, but all their guys would be scared to come to work.

7.  Proper product nomenclature.

None of my cars would have dumb names like Intrepid or Cavalier or Sonata. 

Our cars would have names that inspired. 

Think about it - Chrysler Shogun....Chrysler Battleaxe....Chrysler Havoc

Those names kick ass.

8.  Energetic Shareholder Interaction.

In order to uphold the company's image of awesomeness, I'd act awesome all the time.

At shareholder meetings, I'd address everyone as "Bitch".

I'd also say things like "Check it out!", "Suck on that!", and "Booya!"

Maintaining an internal level of corporate excitement is important.

Anyway, I'm going to talk to my wife about it tonight at supper.

I'm sure she'll be into it.

Is that an original post?

[SWJ]

How To Fix The Automobile Industry

I'm considering going into the car business.

Now I'm not talking about opening some pathetically shitty dealership out of a trailer across from the Taco Bell.

I'm thinking about buying Chrysler.

I figure that, since the wife and I have saved up a pretty fair sum over the years, and we both speak English, we ought to be able to shove those Fiat guys aside pretty easily.

I already had that money earmarked for a new leaf blower, but that can wait another couple months.

Plus, I already know how I would do things differently:

1. Executive Compensation.

I would not pay people a lot of money to kiss my ass.

High-priced executives are no better at kissing ass than minimum wage guys.

Plus, the minimum wage dudes probably do it with more enthusiasm and sincerity.

And if there's one thing I like in an accomplished ass-smoocher, it's sincerity.

2. Product Accessorization #1.

Every car we made would have a blower sticking out of the hood.

Every car should have a blower poking out of it, like the SST toys I had when I was a kid.

You know, the ones where you stuck the handle in the hole in the roof and then pulled it to make the car go...?

Come to think of it, those toys usually had a big, drooling, snotty monster poking his head out of the roof hole too.

I'd leave out the monster though.

3. Product Accessorization #2.

I'd make a rule that all rear tires had to be 8 sizes bigger than the front tires.

If your car has a blower sticking out of it, you have to also have huge tires.

They're awesome.

4. Targeted Advertising.

My car commercials would be hard-core.

There would be no sappy music, and no nature scenes.

No talk about saving the earth either.

My car commercials would feature people driving their monster cars through the shopping cart corals at the mall and then laughing and drinking beers with their friends, all of whom would be strippers.

Hot ones.

And the announcer would tell the you that you were a fag basket if you didn't drive one.

Then he would threaten you.

5. Innovative Dealer Network.

My dealerships would be flexible with trade-ins.  

If you wanted to put your daughter into a year of indentured servitude in exchange for one of my cars, we'd probably let you.

Or you could buy one of my cars for beer.

That's what's known in the industry as "creative, customer-oriented financing".

6. Limited Industry Partnerships.

I would plan raids on the other car companies.

Like, instead of having a meeting, we would just all drive over to the Ford plant and bust in and wreck the place.

A little in-your-face competition never hurt anyone.

In fact, strategically fucking up the other guy's mojo is capitalism at its finest.

They might act all high and mighty, but all their guys would be scared to come to work.

7. Proper product nomenclature.

None of my cars would have dumb names like Intrepid or Cavalier or Sonata.

Our cars would have names that inspired.

Think about it - Chrysler Shogun....Chrysler Battleaxe....Chrysler Havoc

Those names kick ass.

8. Energetic Shareholder Interaction.

In order to uphold the company's image of awesomeness, I'd act awesome all the time.

At shareholder meetings, I'd address everyone as "Bitch".

I'd also say things like "Check it out!", "Suck on that!", and "Booya!"

Maintaining an internal level of corporate excitement is important.

Anyway, I'm going to talk to my wife about it tonight at supper.

I'm sure she'll be into it.

[SWJ]

I went to see Wolverine this weekend.

One cool thing was that my wife wanted me to take her to see it.

What wasn't cool was that it dawned on me that she wanted to see it because she thinks Hugh Jackman rocks.

My wife wanted to go see it too, which was also cool.  I was suspicious as to her motivations from the git go.  She never had any interest in the other x man movies, or any comic book movie at all.  I called her out on it.  It was Hugh Jackson.  That wasn't enough to satisfy me, though.  Why this movie all of a sudden?  There were two previous movies staring him.  She said it was the preview scene where he comes out of that tank that got her all gitty.

Hugh Jackman blows.

End of story.

(It's cool though, how much ass Wolverine kicks.)

[Smokeyg]

I hate to distract from the awesomeness of this site, but...you can soon check out post #3,000 over on my page, which is way better than this page.

[O.D.]

I went to see Wolverine this weekend.

One cool thing was that my wife wanted me to take her to see it.

What wasn't cool was that it dawned on me that she wanted to see it because she thinks Hugh Jackman rocks.

My wife wanted to go see it too, which was also cool. I was suspicious as to her motivations from the git go. She never had any interest in the other x man movies, or any comic book movie at all. I called her out on it. It was Hugh Jackson. That wasn't enough to satisfy me, though. Why this movie all of a sudden? There were two previous movies staring him. She said it was the preview scene where he comes out of that tank that got her all gitty.

[chewie]

SWJ - I believe there is a live action Lobo flick in the works... THAT would kick some serious ass.

And I'll agree with you... with the exception of Wolvie, the X-Men you've listed are pretty damn gay.

[SWJ]

I went to see Wolverine this weekend.

One cool thing was that my wife wanted me to take her to see it.

What wasn't cool was that it dawned on me that she wanted to see it because she thinks Hugh Jackman rocks.

Anyway, as I was sitting there watching Wolverine wreck people's shit, it occurred to me that the X-Men are kind of gay.

I mean, I'm generalizing here, because Wolverine really does kick ass.

But, for the sake of my argument being awesome, let's just run down the list of some of the X-Men, their super powers, and how they could be better.

Rogue - Homely. Also too young. Super power seems to be freaking people out when she touches them.

If I had that power, I'd go to the mall and poke people at random.

Then I'd laugh when they got all catatonic and started gagging and shit.

That would be hilarious.

Plus, people already freak out when I touch them.

Storm - Smokin' hot. Controls the weather.

That's a pretty cool trick, but I'd bust that shit out with style.

I'd just go to parties and make it humid.

No tornadoes, no hurricanes, just raging humid.

That way, chicks aren't running around screaming and fainting and shit.

They're just fanning themselves and taking their tops off.

Gambit - Fag. Throws heavy duty playing cards around.

That's pretty queer.

What happens when you've thrown the last card out of the deck...?

I just walk up and punch your head right off, that's what.

Magical cards indeed...How about that magical pop-knot on your forehead, bitch...?

Nightcrawler - Also homely. Seems to be a dark shade of blue, like Cookie Monster only darker.

Teleports. That's right, the dude can teleport.

Just poofs right in and out of places whenever he wants.

I'd never catch any bad guys with that super power, because I'd be too busy popping in and out of girls locker rooms and dressing booths.

Cyclops - Also gay. Shoots laser beams out of his eyes.

Queer name too because even though his eyes are fucked up, he's got two of them.

Makes no sense.

My eye beams would just make people I stared at uncomfortably hot and itchy.

See "Storm" above.

Don't get me wrong. Being an X-Man is cooler than being a Wonder Twin.

Zan and his bitch sister Jayna were the gayest super heroes ever.

But still.

If you're going to be a dude with super powers, no one should be able to step to your shit.

You should just spend all your time wrecking stuff and not even caring.

Like Lobo.

There's a dude who wouldn't even care if you killed his girlfriend.

He'd just laugh and then stomp a fucking mud hole in the middle of your back to use as an ashtray. Just for fun.

Lobo wouldn't even break a sweat.

He wouldn't team up with other super heroes either.

They'd try, because he's one of the baddest mofos around, but he would just laugh some more and then drop his nuts on top of them.

You can't even make a movie with a cat like Lobo as the main character.

Shit would be like five-minutes long.

The movie would open with Lobo stomping all over a bunch of nuns.

Five minutes later, he would have killed or maimed everybody in the whole world.

Game over.

Lobo would only let Lo Pan be in his movie, but no one could watch it because it would be too awesome.

Plus, Lobo would probably come right out of the screen and kill everyone watching his movie.

The X-Men could take some lessons from a dude like that...

Feel free to comment. But if you disagree, you automatically like The Wonder Twins.

[SWJ]

Quick, somebody that's not on a work computer post a link to a youtube video of sonny and cher singing "I Got You Babe"...

Feel free to weep softly at that last part, but if you make fun of me, you're a homo.

Guess what, Scoob -

Read both of the above quotes really fast - One after the other.

Booya.

[cubs204]

Today Is A Tough Day

Today has stunk.

The disclaimer for this particular post, for those of you stopping by to see what new hilarity has been posted here, is that you will be disappointed.

This shit isn't funny.

I miss the Grizzly today. 

My other disclaimer is that I will retain my ass-kicking status no matter how bad the cravings get, but dang.

Today was pretty bad.

Don't get me wrong - For the most part, I've been very fortunate in that my Quit has been pretty easy.

And it really is getting easier by the day.

But boy has today been hard.

I never imagined that this stuff would get this kind of hold on me.  Never in a million years.

But I'm here to tell you -

Maybe it's just that I have an addictive personality or something, but this drug has muckled on to me like a drunk sorority chick.

I hate it.

I despise what I let it do to me.

I detest what I allowed it to do to my wife.

I envy its strength and tenacity.

Fortunately, I'm indestructable.

And luckily, I'm a goddamn superhero.

What's most fortuitous though, is that I've got you guys.

Feel free to weep softly at that last part, but if you make fun of me, you're a homo.

Quick, somebody that's not on a work computer post a link to a youtube video of sonny and cher singing "I Got You Babe"...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SpE3Fv9W ... PLindex=6

[ScubaSteve]

Today Is A Tough Day

Today has stunk.

The disclaimer for this particular post, for those of you stopping by to see what new hilarity has been posted here, is that you will be disappointed.

This shit isn't funny.

I miss the Grizzly today.

My other disclaimer is that I will retain my ass-kicking status no matter how bad the cravings get, but dang.

Today was pretty bad.

Don't get me wrong - For the most part, I've been very fortunate in that my Quit has been pretty easy.

And it really is getting easier by the day.

But boy has today been hard.

I never imagined that this stuff would get this kind of hold on me. Never in a million years.

But I'm here to tell you -

Maybe it's just that I have an addictive personality or something, but this drug has muckled on to me like a drunk sorority chick.

I hate it.

I despise what I let it do to me.

I detest what I allowed it to do to my wife.

I envy its strength and tenacity.

Fortunately, I'm indestructable.

And luckily, I'm a goddamn superhero.

What's most fortuitous though, is that I've got you guys.

Feel free to weep softly at that last part, but if you make fun of me, you're a homo.

Quick, somebody that's not on a work computer post a link to a youtube video of sonny and cher singing "I Got You Babe"...

[SWJ]

Today Is A Tough Day

Today has stunk.

The disclaimer for this particular post, for those of you stopping by to see what new hilarity has been posted here, is that you will be disappointed.

This shit isn't funny.

I miss the Grizzly today.

My other disclaimer is that I will retain my ass-kicking status no matter how bad the cravings get, but dang.

Today was pretty bad.

Don't get me wrong - For the most part, I've been very fortunate in that my Quit has been pretty easy.

And it really is getting easier by the day.

But boy has today been hard.

I never imagined that this stuff would get this kind of hold on me. Never in a million years.

But I'm here to tell you -

Maybe it's just that I have an addictive personality or something, but this drug has muckled on to me like a drunk sorority chick.

I hate it.

I despise what I let it do to me.

I detest what I allowed it to do to my wife.

I envy its strength and tenacity.

Fortunately, I'm indestructable.

And luckily, I'm a goddamn superhero.

What's most fortuitous though, is that I've got you guys.

Feel free to weep softly at that last part, but if you make fun of me, you're a homo.

[O.D.]

A Monologue On Hiring

Recently, I had the good fortune to be in a position in which I needed to hire a new employee.

Being the rock-star that I am, I had, over the course of several months, amassed a literal treasure trove of employment applications for just such an occasion.

In perusing these gems of industry, it is a shame that I can't hire each and every last one.

For those of you in the unfortunate position of having to look for employment in this economy, I present to you a brief primer on what not to include in your resume.

1. Your photograph.

That's right. One dude actually sent me a resume with his picture at the top, like letterhead.

Let me help you out, shit-for-brains -

Your resume wasn't that hot to begin with and that blurry photo of your dumb ass didn't help.

All I could really make out was that your comb-over is awesome to behold.

2. Your hobbies.

Here's another tip for the intrepid job seeker.

Telling me, in writing, that you enjoy toy trains, manga, and collecting unicorn figurines does not instill me with confidence.

It clearly illustrates that it's time for you to move out of your mom's basement.

3. Your record.

Yes, I know that there's a question on the application about whether or not you've ever been convicted of a crime.

We put that question in there to see how dumb you really are.

Writing up the side of the fucking margin some half-assed explanation that you were only 19, or that she really looked older, or that you were never actually, formally convicted is pointless.

You're an idiot.

4. Your dumb-ass name.

I'm looking at a resume with the name Rui Roopoo at the top.

If I can't tell by looking at your name whether you're an actual applicant or a circus animal, change your fucking name.

No interview for you.

5. Misspelled words.

If you're applying for a Security position, be sure you can spell S-E-C-U-R-I-T-Y.

The word definitely includes the letter C.

It also includes the letter I.

Just like D-I-C-K.

6. Your over-stated accomplishments.

If you really expanded sales by $2.5 million in a week and you oversaw enough people to make up a small country, why the fuck did you quit "for a better paying job" at $9 an hour...??

Newsflash - I'm smarter than you. And I therefore know instantly that you're full of shit.

Also, you might want to leave out the fact that you got a Cub Scout merit badge back in 1932 when you were 9.

Spell this: I-D-O-N-O-T-C-A-R-E.

7. Your sketchy job history.

If you've had eighteen jobs in the last three weeks, gloss over that shit.

There is definitely something wrong with you that working for me won't fix.

8. Your email address.

I get it. You like to party. Fine.

But informing me that you can be contacted at crystalmethrules@gmail.com is decidedly unwise.

Chances are that I will quickly misplace your contact information.


My advice for job seekers is well founded because I myself have been one -

Either get your shit together or go back to working part time for your uncle.

In the meantime, I invite you to an interview at douche-o-clock on the 32nd of next month.

so, uh, i didn't get the job?