I'm A Douche

[niwot]

This Thought Of The Day from yesterday was so awesome that it was my
Thought Of The Day for today too...

The game I invented yesterday is equaled only by thinking about how much ass Lo Pan kicks.

Reasons Why Lo Pan Is The Shit

1.If you don't know who Lo Pan is, go fuck yourself.  Or at least click here.

2.No one can step to Lo Pan's shit.

3.Lo Pan has magical powers.  Like a leprachaun except not gay.

4.No one else could make wearing a housecoat look so awesome.

5.His pimp-hat has a giant nail through it.  Undeniably kick-ass.

6.Lo Pan has the best job in the world.  His job is to shit-stomp basically everyone. 

7.Even if he didn't have a job, Lo Pan would just sit around doing bad-ass stuff like look at porn during church.  Except he would also probably get bored at church and start randomly head-butting people, including little kids.

8.Lo Pan's name is cooler than yours.  I think everyone should be named Lo Pan.

9.Every movie ever made could have been improved immeasurably by featuring at least one scene of Lo Pan wrecking someone's shit.

10.Lo Pan's mustache rules.  And it's not a Fu Manchu.  It's a Lo Pan, bitch.

Best....movie....ever...

And I have become a huge fan of this page. I stop by daily to see what else in here could make the secretary look at me like Im nuttier than squirrel shit for laughing like a goon from my office

Please compare and contrast Lo Pan and Chuck Norris! I need some clarity on badassednessism!

[cubs204]

This Thought Of The Day from yesterday was so awesome that it was my
Thought Of The Day for today too...

The game I invented yesterday is equaled only by thinking about how much ass Lo Pan kicks.

Reasons Why Lo Pan Is The Shit

1.If you don't know who Lo Pan is, go fuck yourself. Or at least click here.

2.No one can step to Lo Pan's shit.

3.Lo Pan has magical powers. Like a leprachaun except not gay.

4.No one else could make wearing a housecoat look so awesome.

5.His pimp-hat has a giant nail through it. Undeniably kick-ass.

6.Lo Pan has the best job in the world. His job is to shit-stomp basically everyone.

7.Even if he didn't have a job, Lo Pan would just sit around doing bad-ass stuff like look at porn during church. Except he would also probably get bored at church and start randomly head-butting people, including little kids.

8.Lo Pan's name is cooler than yours. I think everyone should be named Lo Pan.

9.Every movie ever made could have been improved immeasurably by featuring at least one scene of Lo Pan wrecking someone's shit.

10.Lo Pan's mustache rules. And it's not a Fu Manchu. It's a Lo Pan, bitch.

Best....movie....ever...

And I have become a huge fan of this page. I stop by daily to see what else in here could make the secretary look at me like Im nuttier than squirrel shit for laughing like a goon from my office

[SWJ]

SWJ

You are right on two things

1 - Lo Pan is way awesome.

2 - Your page is way better than Smokeyg's.  Such originality and creativeness.

Thank you for the kind words, JP.

However, we must remember to allow room in the world for tolerance.

We are obligated to embrace all people, not just those like you and me who Bring The Shit.

There is clearly room for This Page as well as Smokey's page too.

Just like there's room for both Spike TV and the Oxygen Network.

[JpCrew]

SWJ

You are right on two things

1 - Lo Pan is way awesome.

2 - Your page is way better than Smokeyg's. Such originality and creativeness.

[SWJ]

This Thought Of The Day from yesterday was so awesome that it was my
Thought Of The Day for today too...

The game I invented yesterday is equaled only by thinking about how much ass Lo Pan kicks.

Reasons Why Lo Pan Is The Shit

1.If you don't know who Lo Pan is, go fuck yourself. Or at least click here.

2.No one can step to Lo Pan's shit.

3.Lo Pan has magical powers. Like a leprachaun except not gay.

4.No one else could make wearing a housecoat look so awesome.

5.His pimp-hat has a giant nail through it. Undeniably kick-ass.

6.Lo Pan has the best job in the world. His job is to shit-stomp basically everyone.

7.Even if he didn't have a job, Lo Pan would just sit around doing bad-ass stuff like look at porn during church. Except he would also probably get bored at church and start randomly head-butting people, including little kids.

8.Lo Pan's name is cooler than yours. I think everyone should be named Lo Pan.

9.Every movie ever made could have been improved immeasurably by featuring at least one scene of Lo Pan wrecking someone's shit.

10.Lo Pan's mustache rules. And it's not a Fu Manchu. It's a Lo Pan, bitch.

[SWJ]

The Greatest Phone Game Ever Invented

Yesterday I was talking on the phone in my office to some douche-bag.

And I inadvertently invented possibly the most awesome phone game in the universe.

Really, it is undeniably illustrative of my incredible powers to accidentally invent something so enjoyable, but I digress.

Anyway, this guy who, if you ordered one of him over the phone and were mistakenly shipped a truckload of assholes instead, you'd probably just keep the assholes - thinking that you got a better deal - was going on and on to the point at which I was very seriously considering poking myself in the eye with a pencil.

At some point, he asked me a dumb question. And while I was pondering the momentous stupidity of the inquiry, he apparently thought he had been disconnected.

And The Game was thus invented.

Here is how it works:

When conversing with an idiot (Player 1) over the phone, you (Player 2), say nothing. Simply let them blather on and on. The conversation will then evolve into something like this:

DOUCHE: "Blahblahblahblahblah"

ME:

DOUCHE: "Hahaha. Know what I'm saying...?"

ME:

DOUCHE: "Hello....?"

ME:

DOUCHE: "Hello...? What the...?"

If you are me in this scenario, you win.

It occurs to me that this would be even more fun when conversing with a wad like this guy in person. You could adopt a vapid stare and allow your silence to stomp the shit out of whatever nonsense he's going on and on about.

You can add levels of difficulty by either seeing how many times you can get your simple-minded adversary to bleat "Hello...?" into the phone before he hangs up. Or you can simply start making noises instead of talking.

Pressing the phone up to your ass and dropping a bomb into it is a good move, for example.

Belching into it is also awesome.

If Lo Pan thought that talking on the phone was cool, he would win this game by farting a magical ass-blast into the phone which would cause Player 1 to spontaneously combust.

(Lo Pan doesn't talk on the phone though. He's too awesome. See post below.)

And by the way, extra points should be awarded in this game if Player 1 is someone moderately important like your wife or your mom.

[DeanTheCoot]

SWJ, I am familiar with Swamp. It is the affliction that sets off conversations like these:

*Dean hugs wife tenderly*

Wife: "You smell."

Dean: "Like what?"

Wife: "Like stinky. Gross."

Dean: "Toss my salad?"

*embrace ends*

[SWJ]

Thought Of The Day...

Reasons Why Lo Pan Is The Shit

1.If you don't know who Lo Pan is, go fuck yourself. Or at least click here.

2.No one can step to Lo Pan's shit.

3.Lo Pan has magical powers. Like a leprachaun except not gay.

4.No one else could make wearing a housecoat look so awesome.

5.His pimp-hat has a giant nail through it. Undeniably kick-ass.

6.Lo Pan has the best job in the world. His job is to shit-stomp basically everyone.

7.Even if he didn't have a job, Lo Pan would just sit around doing bad-ass stuff like look at porn during church. Except he would also probably get bored at church and start randomly head-butting people, including little kids.

8.Lo Pan's name is cooler than yours. I think everyone should be named Lo Pan.

9.Every movie ever made could have been improved immeasurably by featuring at least one scene of Lo Pan wrecking someone's shit.

10.Lo Pan's mustache rules. And it's not a Fu Manchu. It's a Lo Pan, bitch.

[redtrain14]

Day #102.

I've been reading, over the past few months, lists of all the things people won't miss about dipping or chewing.  Lists that contain stuff about spraying dip juice all over the place and spitting into your wife's coffee cup and other crazy shit like that.

You guys are rude.

But there's one thing I haven't seen on any list. 

Now the disclaimer here is that the distinct possibility exists that the following is a can-hiding method previously unemployed by even the most ninja-fied dipper.  It may be shocking as well as disturbing...So if you're a 5-year old, you may want to fuck off.

Simply put, I will not miss hiding my dip can behind my ball sac.

There I said it.

For those of you who reside in warmer climes, you may have noticed the proliferation of short pant wearing dudes.  Well, I don't live in warmer climes, but I am one of those dudes.

Many types of shorts, for those of you who are unobservant idiots, do not have pockets.

(Personally, I think shorts with pockets in them are gay.)

Now, if your powers of reading comprehension are anywhere north of retarded, you will have taken from this that I very often wear shorts with no pockets.

Which, of course, leaves a stealthy dipper to ponder the question about where he will hide his dip can.

Well, one of the most unique and ground breaking innovations known to mankind is, of course, the ball sac.

Incredibly versatile, this globular feat of human engineering can be scratched by its owner for spine tingling pleasure. 

It can be kneaded, like a hairy loaf of bread, which results in a pleasurable feeling, albeit different than from scratching. 

It has a seam, but no opening.

And on holidays, you can even paint a face on it to make a goulish sac-o-lantern.

Being the rock star that I am, I had added another amazing feature to my sac.

I could hide stuff behind it.

Using the inherent properties of my bag, I found that a can of dip was the perfect size to be hidden behind its bulk.  Jammed deftly between the rear bumper of my nads and my gootch, I found that my Grizzly can would allow itself to be safely transported about.  My versatile bag hung perfectly about the can, rendering it completely undetectable.

Now if your wife is at all like mine, she is a fan and enthusiastic supporter of your "danger-area".

This is a source of concern for dudes hiding shit behind their balls.

While you are transporting your dip can in the space between berries and gootch, it is vitally important to keep people from groping you.  This is to say that, while the ball-notch method is otherwise impervious to detection, if your wife happens to grope you while you are transporting, your shit will be ruined.  Game over.

Not to mention that your local health board would probably frown on you putting something in your mouth from a container that you kept in such close proximity to your tailpipe.

Unbelievable.

And don't judge me either, bitches.  I never drank my own spit or anything gross like that.

But now that I'm not wedging cans of Grizzly in my crotch pocket, I wonder what a newly rational person could do with all that genital storage space...

Words can not express the sheer awesomness of this post. 'worship'

This is a great confession.

Now, have you come clean with the "lemme bum a dip off you" boys yet?

Them peeps "taint" gonna be real happy.......

That "Area" is a perfect storage site for your "Smokeyg" signed HOF knife and coin- I keep mine in a pocket, but you know if it is a valuable- keep it in a safe place!

We just don't get confessions of this quality in the May '09 group. I am left in awe!!!

Colonel renders a standing ovation

:blink:


mule quietly eases back thru the door hoping nobody saw his truck in the parking lot........

I got pics

[mule]

Day #102.

I've been reading, over the past few months, lists of all the things people won't miss about dipping or chewing.  Lists that contain stuff about spraying dip juice all over the place and spitting into your wife's coffee cup and other crazy shit like that.

You guys are rude.

But there's one thing I haven't seen on any list. 

Now the disclaimer here is that the distinct possibility exists that the following is a can-hiding method previously unemployed by even the most ninja-fied dipper.  It may be shocking as well as disturbing...So if you're a 5-year old, you may want to fuck off.

Simply put, I will not miss hiding my dip can behind my ball sac.

There I said it.

For those of you who reside in warmer climes, you may have noticed the proliferation of short pant wearing dudes.  Well, I don't live in warmer climes, but I am one of those dudes.

Many types of shorts, for those of you who are unobservant idiots, do not have pockets.

(Personally, I think shorts with pockets in them are gay.)

Now, if your powers of reading comprehension are anywhere north of retarded, you will have taken from this that I very often wear shorts with no pockets.

Which, of course, leaves a stealthy dipper to ponder the question about where he will hide his dip can.

Well, one of the most unique and ground breaking innovations known to mankind is, of course, the ball sac.

Incredibly versatile, this globular feat of human engineering can be scratched by its owner for spine tingling pleasure. 

It can be kneaded, like a hairy loaf of bread, which results in a pleasurable feeling, albeit different than from scratching. 

It has a seam, but no opening.

And on holidays, you can even paint a face on it to make a goulish sac-o-lantern.

Being the rock star that I am, I had added another amazing feature to my sac.

I could hide stuff behind it.

Using the inherent properties of my bag, I found that a can of dip was the perfect size to be hidden behind its bulk.  Jammed deftly between the rear bumper of my nads and my gootch, I found that my Grizzly can would allow itself to be safely transported about.  My versatile bag hung perfectly about the can, rendering it completely undetectable.

Now if your wife is at all like mine, she is a fan and enthusiastic supporter of your "danger-area".

This is a source of concern for dudes hiding shit behind their balls.

While you are transporting your dip can in the space between berries and gootch, it is vitally important to keep people from groping you.  This is to say that, while the ball-notch method is otherwise impervious to detection, if your wife happens to grope you while you are transporting, your shit will be ruined.  Game over.

Not to mention that your local health board would probably frown on you putting something in your mouth from a container that you kept in such close proximity to your tailpipe.

Unbelievable.

And don't judge me either, bitches.  I never drank my own spit or anything gross like that.

But now that I'm not wedging cans of Grizzly in my crotch pocket, I wonder what a newly rational person could do with all that genital storage space...

Words can not express the sheer awesomness of this post. 'worship'

This is a great confession.

Now, have you come clean with the "lemme bum a dip off you" boys yet?

Them peeps "taint" gonna be real happy.......

That "Area" is a perfect storage site for your "Smokeyg" signed HOF knife and coin- I keep mine in a pocket, but you know if it is a valuable- keep it in a safe place!

We just don't get confessions of this quality in the May '09 group. I am left in awe!!!

Colonel renders a standing ovation

:blink:


mule quietly eases back thru the door hoping nobody saw his truck in the parking lot........

[SWJ]

SWJ: I do not believe that your wife is a fan of your danger area. As a married man, I find the concept utterly dubious.

But regarding the sac business, I won't call you a liar. I also hid my tin behind my balls. Did you ever stash a can there during a hot summer day and sweat through the label on the lid, leaving a messy network of partly glued paper globs in your grundle muff? I do miss that.

First, never question the undeniable attraction of my bag. Or I will ruin your shit.

Second, although my nads are awe-inspiring, they have also been known to perspire.

This, in manly circles, is commonly known as "Swamp-Ass" or simply "Swamp".

Hiding things behind your balls is best left to professionals, due in part to the unsavory effects of Swamp-Ass.

Aside from making your gootch smell like a grass fire, Swamp is exceedingly viscous, and makes whatever you hide back there really slippery.

Although I have never experienced Ball-Sac-Hiding-Place-Swamp-Slippage, it has been known to cause many a dude to get his shit stomped after unwillingly exposing whatever cargo he happened to have been carrying.

What's more, picking the sweaty remains of a two-inch adhesive label out from behind your jewels is not only unsanitary and embarassing, it's also gay because it causes you to have to spend way more time playing with your chassis than is socially acceptable.

This is just one more reason not to use tobacco.

Because your shit might fall out from behind your bag at an inopportune moment.

[DeanTheCoot]

SWJ: I do not believe that your wife is a fan of your danger area. As a married man, I find the concept utterly dubious.

But regarding the sac business, I won't call you a liar. I also hid my tin behind my balls. Did you ever stash a can there during a hot summer day and sweat through the label on the lid, leaving a messy network of partly glued paper globs in your grundle muff? I do miss that.

[Smokeyg]

Day #102.


But now that I'm not wedging cans of Grizzly in my crotch pocket, I wonder what a newly rational person could do with all that genital storage space...

Words can not express the sheer awesomness of this post. 'worship'

This is a great confession.

Now, have you come clean with the "lemme bum a dip off you" boys yet?

Them peeps "taint" gonna be real happy.......

That "Area" is a perfect storage site for your "Smokeyg" signed HOF knife and coin- I keep mine in a pocket, but you know if it is a valuable- keep it in a safe place!

I always thought it would be awesome to have my stomach covered with ball skin. Imagine all the things you could carry by pulling it out into a pouch. If you forgot your long sleeves you could wrap them up in your warm tummy-blanket. Forgot your raincoat, no problem with your insta-hoodie!

Personally, now that I'm no longer using my sac for a stealthy dip can hiding place, I've started keeping my pocket change back there.

It's incredibly convenient.

When buying a cup of coffee in the morning, it's admirable to be able to do a manly squat-wiggle and have quarter fall out from behind your balls.

Makes people think you're literally made of money...

It only took two days to squish me like bug. Your awesomeness potential has blossomed into a tingly ballbag. Good shit SWJ...good shit...and just for being super awesome...good shit.

[SWJ]

Day #102.


But now that I'm not wedging cans of Grizzly in my crotch pocket, I wonder what a newly rational person could do with all that genital storage space...

Words can not express the sheer awesomness of this post. 'worship'

This is a great confession.

Now, have you come clean with the "lemme bum a dip off you" boys yet?

Them peeps "taint" gonna be real happy.......

That "Area" is a perfect storage site for your "Smokeyg" signed HOF knife and coin- I keep mine in a pocket, but you know if it is a valuable- keep it in a safe place!

I always thought it would be awesome to have my stomach covered with ball skin. Imagine all the things you could carry by pulling it out into a pouch. If you forgot your long sleeves you could wrap them up in your warm tummy-blanket. Forgot your raincoat, no problem with your insta-hoodie!

Personally, now that I'm no longer using my sac for a stealthy dip can hiding place, I've started keeping my pocket change back there.

It's incredibly convenient.

When buying a cup of coffee in the morning, it's admirable to be able to do a manly squat-wiggle and have quarter fall out from behind your balls.

Makes people think you're literally made of money...

[Colonel_No_Cope]

Day #102.

I've been reading, over the past few months, lists of all the things people won't miss about dipping or chewing.  Lists that contain stuff about spraying dip juice all over the place and spitting into your wife's coffee cup and other crazy shit like that.

You guys are rude.

But there's one thing I haven't seen on any list. 

Now the disclaimer here is that the distinct possibility exists that the following is a can-hiding method previously unemployed by even the most ninja-fied dipper.  It may be shocking as well as disturbing...So if you're a 5-year old, you may want to fuck off.

Simply put, I will not miss hiding my dip can behind my ball sac.

There I said it.

For those of you who reside in warmer climes, you may have noticed the proliferation of short pant wearing dudes.  Well, I don't live in warmer climes, but I am one of those dudes.

Many types of shorts, for those of you who are unobservant idiots, do not have pockets.

(Personally, I think shorts with pockets in them are gay.)

Now, if your powers of reading comprehension are anywhere north of retarded, you will have taken from this that I very often wear shorts with no pockets.

Which, of course, leaves a stealthy dipper to ponder the question about where he will hide his dip can.

Well, one of the most unique and ground breaking innovations known to mankind is, of course, the ball sac.

Incredibly versatile, this globular feat of human engineering can be scratched by its owner for spine tingling pleasure. 

It can be kneaded, like a hairy loaf of bread, which results in a pleasurable feeling, albeit different than from scratching. 

It has a seam, but no opening.

And on holidays, you can even paint a face on it to make a goulish sac-o-lantern.

Being the rock star that I am, I had added another amazing feature to my sac.

I could hide stuff behind it.

Using the inherent properties of my bag, I found that a can of dip was the perfect size to be hidden behind its bulk.  Jammed deftly between the rear bumper of my nads and my gootch, I found that my Grizzly can would allow itself to be safely transported about.  My versatile bag hung perfectly about the can, rendering it completely undetectable.

Now if your wife is at all like mine, she is a fan and enthusiastic supporter of your "danger-area".

This is a source of concern for dudes hiding shit behind their balls.

While you are transporting your dip can in the space between berries and gootch, it is vitally important to keep people from groping you.  This is to say that, while the ball-notch method is otherwise impervious to detection, if your wife happens to grope you while you are transporting, your shit will be ruined.  Game over.

Not to mention that your local health board would probably frown on you putting something in your mouth from a container that you kept in such close proximity to your tailpipe.

Unbelievable.

And don't judge me either, bitches.  I never drank my own spit or anything gross like that.

But now that I'm not wedging cans of Grizzly in my crotch pocket, I wonder what a newly rational person could do with all that genital storage space...

Words can not express the sheer awesomness of this post. 'worship'

This is a great confession.

Now, have you come clean with the "lemme bum a dip off you" boys yet?

Them peeps "taint" gonna be real happy.......

That "Area" is a perfect storage site for your "Smokeyg" signed HOF knife and coin- I keep mine in a pocket, but you know if it is a valuable- keep it in a safe place!

We just don't get confessions of this quality in the May '09 group. I am left in awe!!!

Colonel renders a standing ovation