Dear Community,
Today I have decided to quit chewing tobacco -- day 1. Before I can simply post roll, I need to give you a little information about me and my addiction/problem/dark secret. This is not the first time I have tried to quit by joining this community. I have been unable to quit here on numerous occasions. The problem is not anything about this community, it is myself. I am a liar, an asshole, a jerk, a person who is unable to look themselves in the mirror and tell the complete truth. I have been unable to be true to myself and honestly come to grips with the fact that I am 100% to-the-bone an addict. Always have been and always will be. I have been unable to sustain a quit for more than 5 months. While I can quit on my own for awhile, I cannot stay quit. Today I am here to change this once and for all.
There are two big reasons that I want to quit forever. First, I feel that I am 150 times a better person when I am not chewing. I am happier, have more confidence, more energy, like talking to people, and generally enjoy life alot more. There is nothing shittier than feeling like a slave to my addiction. While other people go on with there day-to-day life, problems, and everything else, my mind is on the next chew. When can I get it? When will I have it? And there is no rhyme or reason to why I need a chew, but I need to do it anyways. My chew of choice has been copenhagen pouches because the shit doesn't get in my teeth. Maybe I tell myself that it is a cleaner form of chew, but I know deep down -- shit in your mouth is shit in your mouth!
I also want to quit because I HATE that I am a downright LIAR to my wife. She knows about my problem, but I have lied to her about not chewing more times than I can remember or count. It really sucks that I cannot be truthful about my addiction to the most important person in my life. I guess the reason is that I am lying to myself and cannot confront my addiction. While this quit is for me and cannot be for her, I want to be able to be honest with her. I am an addict. Every day is a challenge that I must be willing to meet. And that I have done nothing to deserve her trust and love because I cannot look her (or anyone else) in the face and be truthful.
I want to change this. I want to be an addict that does not chew rather than an addict that does. It's really that simple.
Actually, I know its not that simple. If it was, I wouldn't need the support of this group and could just do it on my one. However, that is IMPOSSIBLE for me. I know this because I've tried to promise myself with no accountability to this community or anyone else. What happens is I cave...and cave...and cave again.
Joining this group and simply posting every day will not work for me. I know that for me to stay quit, I must also quit drinking alcohol for the time being. I'm not going to lie and say that I'm going to quit drinking alcohol forever because that would be a lie -- and I need to change that. So, for the next 50 days, my promise every morning will be two-fold: (1) I promise to quit chew, and (2) promise not to drink alcohol. After that, my promise will be a daily promise not to chew. (I am getting ahead of myself because all I can do is make a daily promise, I cannot make a promise for the next day because I need to do that when I wake up that morning.)
This is my addiction in a nutshell. I do not expect anyone to put stock into my quit and do not expect any support because I have cheated this community too many times to deserve any support. I do not intend to infect this community, I just want to be a quitter of chew, nothing more, nothing less. As for my addiction, I am now 31 and have been chewing since I was 21. I now want to be an addict that can look my wife in the face and honestly tell her "No" when she inevitable asks if I've been chewing. More importantly, I want to look myself in the face and feel proud that I am not chewing even though I am an addict. I need to be with people who share my problem. You understand who I am...maybe even better than I understand myself.
So today is day one. Tomorrow is not promised. But this group deserves to know about my addiction if I can honestly post roll that I quit, I won't chew today, I will be strong, and MEAN that I will not chew.
