My sister who is a recovered alcoholic told me I should write a one page summary of my dipping history, first dip to last, and how I tried to quit unsuccessfully in the past. So here goes:
I took my first chew when I was 7 years old. My grandfather chewed and I asked him if I could have a chew. My dad told me to go ahead, thinking it would make me sick. Talk about your all time backfires! I kept it in for 30 minutes and loved every second of it. I think I was hooked from that second on! Needless to say, my mom was not at all happy with any of this! haha Every time I saw my grandfather after that I begged him to give me another chew but he wouldn't do it so the first time a friend showed up to school with a can of snuff in 5th grade I was all in! I bought my first can in 8th grade (1978) for 35¢. I've been an every day dipper ever since. The first time I tried to quit was when I became a Christian when I was junior in high school. I think I maybe made it a week and half. When I got to college my "habit" was up to about 2 cans a week and I was getting crap from friends about being addicted to snuff. My response was always, "I can quit anytime I want to, I just don't want to." Nothing but straight-up bull crap addict talk. I knew I couldn't quit anytime I wanted to because I'd tried and failed before. My addiction progressed over the years from 2 cans a week to 3 cans a week etc. etc. with vain half-assed attempts at quitting when snuff went to $1 a can or $2 a can etc. etc. I started on Copenhagen, switched to Skoal fine cut wintergreen, and ended up on Copenhagen long cut Wintergreen. I tried things like, "I'll only dip while I'm hunting." or "I'll only dip at the ranch." None of which ever worked. I cannot even count how many I relapsed on opening day of dove season - September 1 in Texas. This all rocked along until my dad got cancer in 1996 and that is when I really began to lean on snuff more than ever. My dad died in 1998 and I began traveling for work and snuff became my one and only best friend on the road. Eventually leading me to a can a day addiction that I had up until 4 days ago. A year ago in 2013, I found the KTC website and joined the Maysters of the Universe and made it further than I had ever made it before.. 34 days... and caved. I was alone on the road for a day with nothing to do and I bought a can of snuff and dipped it. I covered this in my answer to the infamous 3 questions cavers have to and need to answer to get back into a quit group:
"Last time I tried this I really did not understand what this website was about. I just thought that you went and posted roll to keep yourself accountable. Couple of guys gave me their phone numbers but I just did not feel comfortable calling strangers basically I really just wasn't that committed to what y'all do here. I realize now how important community and brotherhood is in this difficult journey. Both getting support from others as well as offering my support to others that are fighting this addiction."
Basically, I chose not to tap into the support I had with KTC, isolated myself and jumped right back into a can a day addiction.
Part of my history with snuff that I need to cover is what seems to be a unique way of dipping which is when and how I dipped. Unless I was hunting or watching football, I almost never dipped during the day. I would start dipping in the evenings usually around 7ish and dip nonstop until the can was gone. I also would randomly take a few days off when my lip got too raw. I would not dip for a few days or a week, let my lip heal up and jump back in. The weird thing is that it was no problem at all to do that. No withdrawals, fog, sleepless nights, or bursts of anger like I've had the last 4 days since I quit for good. It makes no physiological sense but for some reason if I knew that in a week I could get a dip then not dipping was no problem but when I know that I can't get one ever again its pretty rough. Anyways, I've needed to take one of those weeks off for a while but had not or could not make myself do it and my lip just kept getting more raw and more irritated. A week or so ago my lip and gums were so raw and inflamed that every dip was awfully painful. There was no such thing as a "good dip" anymore. I did not enjoy it anymore. I hated it but could not stop doing it. I woke up every morning with my mouth on fire from dipping an entire can of snuff the night before scared to death that I was gonna get cancer. So I came to KTC and decided to quit. I sat down and started to write my "introduction" 3 days in a row and closed the lap top and went and bought one more last can of snuff. Finally, last Wednesday, July 23 I took my last dip, wrote my new introduction, caught well deserved hell for caving last time, answered the 3 questions, apologized to my quit group from last year, joined the Titans and quit dipping for good. I can't believe I drank the koolaid, believed the lies, crammed my mouth full of poison for 36 years! 36 years! If I get cancer tomorrow it will be 100% my fault and dipping would have been nothing but a long slow suicide.
