It's been a little while since I've posted in the Intro, but Day 300 seems fitting for an update. I'm on my phone here, so this won't be as deep as I had intended, but bear with me.
300 days has really been a journey. It's been an absolutely life changing experience. Through the initial phase of brutal trench warfare, the excitement of reaching the HOF, the depressive doldrums of the mid 100s, the uncertainty / boredom of the 200s and now something of a false sense of completion.
I have experienced such different and distinct phases, but the one consistent measure that has kept me balanced is my commitment to be on roll first thing every damn day.
In my current phase, my quit has felt good, easy, secure. Nicotine is not on my mind. When I'm stressed, I have other ways to cope; when I'm bored, I don't reach for the can; when I'm having fun, I don't feel like things would be even better with a big ole chaw. Those statements are true 99% of the time.
... But that other 1%...
That other 1% of the time, I still get that white knuckle panic. A sharp, strong urge to throw it all away. A sad or overwhelmed feeling when I think about "never again." Or just a passing curiosity "what would a dip be like after all this time?" Maybe it's a sight or smell or memory that causes it. Not sure, but when it hits, it takes my brain someplace completely different.
That's why that daily promise and my connection with the community is still vitally important. It's not for the 99% of the time when I am going about my business like I was never an addict, it's that 1% when my vulnerable, addict brain starts to boil to the surface. The Nic Bitch is still there, still trying. She's looking for that combination of factors where stress, curiosity and opportunity all combine to create a situation where I'm open to using again.
That's why I take that opportunity off the table first thing, every damn day. It worked at day 6 and it works at day 300.
There's no doubt that I haven't been as active here in recent months. Frankly I can't keep up with the pace of the new groups and intros and groupme and all that goes with it. I've scaled back my involvement, but I still try to stay involved. This site has given me a new life and I will continue to give back as I can.
To those folks who are just starting their journey, or debating whether to try, THIS SYSTEM WORKS. There is no finish line exactly, you have to keep fighting, but there is freedom and there is light ahead.
Thanks to those who have supported me and quit beside me. Keep fighting and I will see you on roll tomorrow.
