Day 22 intro

[rdad]

Today is day 49!

I feel good about my quit although I still have those anxiety cravings. They are a lot less powerful than they were a few weeks ago. I would say on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being a full blown panic attack I am sitting at a 1-2 constant state. Its better than the 4-5 I was at a few weeks ago. I am slowly tapering off the Xanax and taking .5mg before bed and .25mg once I get to work. After another week it will be .25mg and .25mg at 12 hour intervals.

I can definitely feel the pressure of life now in my shoulder and neck muscles (tension) by the end of the day. I 'll adjust. I don't feel any of the anxiety cravings when I'm busy doing something, it's only when I'm sitting still either going to bed to sleep or when I sit too long in front of my pc at work or at long meetings. I need to stay moving and active and then my mind doesn't even think of it at all.

I go in for my biopsy on Tuesday to verify if I have the Multiple Myeloma (cancer) The good news is I am not experiencing any symptoms of the cancer at this time, so I am hoping it's either smoldering (not active) or I am catching it early on and the treatment will be light. Either way I have set myself up to be away from work while I undergo treatment. It's been real hard on my wife, but I told her to relax and that I am standing right in front of her completely healthy and I will be for a long time. I told her that Its just like getting the flu and I have to get treatment for it and all will be good.

I thank all my quit brothers in my quit group for their support in my quit and my news of cancer. They are all my brothers and are there for me anytime of the day. Also, Worktowin, Zeno, Bretlesss, and Nimrod have been there for me since the start of my quit. I truly appreciate them blazing the path in front of me and guiding me through this each day. These guys have been truly special reaching out to me daily and checking up on me.

All I can say is for all of you out there wanting to quit or thinking of caving, please note I may be lucky and not have the cancer (.1% chance) or I may have it and die within 2 years. Either way I feel way better now than when I was chewing, even with the notion I may not live long. I can easily go back to chewing and say fuck it, I'm dying anyways from cancer, but I want to feel the rest of my life lie I'm feeling it now. It's mazing how much I can feel now. It's like everything increased in sensitivity by 100% (unfortunately so did my flight or fight system... aka anxiety)

I find I love my wife more than I ever have
I used to love travelling to work to get that 1st dip in my mouth once I got there (didn't chew in the car) now the drive sucks!
I used to love coming home to get my one hour of unwind time with my beloved chew and totally ignore the wife telling her to not talk to me until I finished unwinding (that was fucked up) No I can't wait to get off work to see her once I bust through the door!
I used to love sitting around on my ass all day on weekends and do nothing but scratch myself and chew. Now I can't wait to start new projects around the house and do them with my wife.
I used to take my wife on cruise vacations because I thought that's what was making me happy in thought of spending time with her, now I just want to spend time with her and we are now doing multiple weekend getaways.

So much has already changed for the better and I can't wait for the next 50 days to come to see just how much better it's going to get! Stay quit my brothers!

Very powerful post bro. Very.

Proud to quit with you today.

You have an awesome attitude Kirk. I am proud of you too! And relieved you are feeling better finally. Good vibes coming up the coast for Tuesday!

[worktowin]

Today is day 49!

I feel good about my quit although I still have those anxiety cravings. They are a lot less powerful than they were a few weeks ago. I would say on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being a full blown panic attack I am sitting at a 1-2 constant state. Its better than the 4-5 I was at a few weeks ago. I am slowly tapering off the Xanax and taking .5mg before bed and .25mg once I get to work. After another week it will be .25mg and .25mg at 12 hour intervals.

I can definitely feel the pressure of life now in my shoulder and neck muscles (tension) by the end of the day. I 'll adjust. I don't feel any of the anxiety cravings when I'm busy doing something, it's only when I'm sitting still either going to bed to sleep or when I sit too long in front of my pc at work or at long meetings. I need to stay moving and active and then my mind doesn't even think of it at all.

I go in for my biopsy on Tuesday to verify if I have the Multiple Myeloma (cancer) The good news is I am not experiencing any symptoms of the cancer at this time, so I am hoping it's either smoldering (not active) or I am catching it early on and the treatment will be light. Either way I have set myself up to be away from work while I undergo treatment. It's been real hard on my wife, but I told her to relax and that I am standing right in front of her completely healthy and I will be for a long time. I told her that Its just like getting the flu and I have to get treatment for it and all will be good.

I thank all my quit brothers in my quit group for their support in my quit and my news of cancer. They are all my brothers and are there for me anytime of the day. Also, Worktowin, Zeno, Bretlesss, and Nimrod have been there for me since the start of my quit. I truly appreciate them blazing the path in front of me and guiding me through this each day. These guys have been truly special reaching out to me daily and checking up on me.

All I can say is for all of you out there wanting to quit or thinking of caving, please note I may be lucky and not have the cancer (.1% chance) or I may have it and die within 2 years. Either way I feel way better now than when I was chewing, even with the notion I may not live long. I can easily go back to chewing and say fuck it, I'm dying anyways from cancer, but I want to feel the rest of my life lie I'm feeling it now. It's mazing how much I can feel now. It's like everything increased in sensitivity by 100% (unfortunately so did my flight or fight system... aka anxiety)

I find I love my wife more than I ever have
I used to love travelling to work to get that 1st dip in my mouth once I got there (didn't chew in the car) now the drive sucks!
I used to love coming home to get my one hour of unwind time with my beloved chew and totally ignore the wife telling her to not talk to me until I finished unwinding (that was fucked up) No I can't wait to get off work to see her once I bust through the door!
I used to love sitting around on my ass all day on weekends and do nothing but scratch myself and chew. Now I can't wait to start new projects around the house and do them with my wife.
I used to take my wife on cruise vacations because I thought that's what was making me happy in thought of spending time with her, now I just want to spend time with her and we are now doing multiple weekend getaways.

So much has already changed for the better and I can't wait for the next 50 days to come to see just how much better it's going to get! Stay quit my brothers!

Very powerful post bro. Very.

Proud to quit with you today.

[Gone Cruising]

Today is day 49!

I feel good about my quit although I still have those anxiety cravings. They are a lot less powerful than they were a few weeks ago. I would say on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being a full blown panic attack I am sitting at a 1-2 constant state. Its better than the 4-5 I was at a few weeks ago. I am slowly tapering off the Xanax and taking .5mg before bed and .25mg once I get to work. After another week it will be .25mg and .25mg at 12 hour intervals.

I can definitely feel the pressure of life now in my shoulder and neck muscles (tension) by the end of the day. I 'll adjust. I don't feel any of the anxiety cravings when I'm busy doing something, it's only when I'm sitting still either going to bed to sleep or when I sit too long in front of my pc at work or at long meetings. I need to stay moving and active and then my mind doesn't even think of it at all.

I go in for my biopsy on Tuesday to verify if I have the Multiple Myeloma (cancer) The good news is I am not experiencing any symptoms of the cancer at this time, so I am hoping it's either smoldering (not active) or I am catching it early on and the treatment will be light. Either way I have set myself up to be away from work while I undergo treatment. It's been real hard on my wife, but I told her to relax and that I am standing right in front of her completely healthy and I will be for a long time. I told her that Its just like getting the flu and I have to get treatment for it and all will be good.

I thank all my quit brothers in my quit group for their support in my quit and my news of cancer. They are all my brothers and are there for me anytime of the day. Also, Worktowin, Zeno, Bretlesss, and Nimrod have been there for me since the start of my quit. I truly appreciate them blazing the path in front of me and guiding me through this each day. These guys have been truly special reaching out to me daily and checking up on me.

All I can say is for all of you out there wanting to quit or thinking of caving, please note I may be lucky and not have the cancer (.1% chance) or I may have it and die within 2 years. Either way I feel way better now than when I was chewing, even with the notion I may not live long. I can easily go back to chewing and say fuck it, I'm dying anyways from cancer, but I want to feel the rest of my life lie I'm feeling it now. It's mazing how much I can feel now. It's like everything increased in sensitivity by 100% (unfortunately so did my flight or fight system... aka anxiety)

I find I love my wife more than I ever have
I used to love travelling to work to get that 1st dip in my mouth once I got there (didn't chew in the car) now the drive sucks!
I used to love coming home to get my one hour of unwind time with my beloved chew and totally ignore the wife telling her to not talk to me until I finished unwinding (that was fucked up) No I can't wait to get off work to see her once I bust through the door!
I used to love sitting around on my ass all day on weekends and do nothing but scratch myself and chew. Now I can't wait to start new projects around the house and do them with my wife.
I used to take my wife on cruise vacations because I thought that's what was making me happy in thought of spending time with her, now I just want to spend time with her and we are now doing multiple weekend getaways.

So much has already changed for the better and I can't wait for the next 50 days to come to see just how much better it's going to get! Stay quit my brothers!

[ChickDip]

I don't know what to say Kirk. Except prayers up brother. If there's anything we can do just ask. Damn.

Bro we are here for you. Let's count on that .1%. You are a winner and a fighter.

I'm proud to quit with you.

.. No words, but sending prayers. You are one badass quitter with a kick ass positive attitude!

[worktowin]

I don't know what to say Kirk. Except prayers up brother. If there's anything we can do just ask. Damn.

Bro we are here for you. Let's count on that .1%. You are a winner and a fighter.

I'm proud to quit with you.

[Supplehands]

I don't know what to say either. I'm sorry to hear that. I'm going to saying some prayers for you and yours. Stay strong.

[rdad]

I don't know what to say Kirk. Except prayers up brother. If there's anything we can do just ask. Damn.

[Gone Cruising]

Day 44

Day 44 comes to a close and I find that I am challenged with one of the greatest challenges life can throw at you. After my doctors visit and seeing I had some elevated liver enzymes I was sent to an Oncologist Specialist. Well it happened to be at the regional cancer research center. I was told there is a 99.9% chance that I have Multiple Myeloma (Bone Marrow Cancer). Further tests will conclude next Monday.

This has nothing to do with chewing, although it would be a great story to link them.

I am going to fight this if it comes to be that I have cancer and will fight it just as hard if not harder than beating the nic bitch!!!!! I am positive, forward thinking and can beat this!!!! I'm also a healthy young 43!!!!!!

Quit on and Fight On!!!!

[Gone Cruising]

Day 42 and 43

Let me just say the past two days have been the best I have ever felt since my quit started. I thank god for giving me those days and know not to take them for granted! I know there are more tough days to come, but knowing I can have the good days that feel so great will keep me going and motivated. know that the good days will start becoming more often than the bad days. And when I have the bad days I have all my brothers on KTC to support me.

I felt like a regular person, no anxiety cravings, no fog, no funk. Thank you so much for these two days. I am and will continue to beat you nic bitch!

[rdad]

Day 42

I am finally getting some sleep, about 5-6 hours and sometimes 7 which is great. Only issue is I still have the anxiety cravings going which my meds take care of that. I will slowly start to taper off of those in the next 3 weeks and reduce the dose 3 weeks after that.

My counselor told my that I am not in any type of depression psychologically and that my anxiety is biological, not psychological, which means it's being cause biologically in my body from the nicotine withdrawals (that made me happy to hear). Basically it's like I have a severe burn on my arm and it hurts. The only thing that will take away that burn is burn cream. Over time the burn will heal and I can apply less and less burn cream to the burn. As with my mind, dealing without nicotine, I have to take small dose of Xanax to reduce the anxiety, but after a few more weeks will slowly taper off the Xanax, as my body will no longer be looking for the nicotine. Yes, I am replacing one crutch with another for the time being, but at least this crutch has less withdrawal symptoms and isn't as addicting or cause cancer like nicotine. And above all, it's not available at your local gas station! Even taking it further, I don't like to feel the medicine head feeling it gives you (groggy)

So in essence I say 'Finger' NIC BITCH! I'm on day 42 and have 10,602 days left to even the score of being without you in my head! I will get there and I will prevail!!!



Some daily reads for you guys!!! Read this to yourself every day!

I handle stress and tension appropriately and effectively.
My mood is calm and relaxed.
I can cope well and get on with my life during times of stress
I think thoughts that uplift and nurture me.
I enjoy thinking positive thoughts that make me feel good about myself and my life.
I deserve to feel good right now.
I feel peaceful and calm.
My breathing is slow and calm.
My muscles are relaxed and comfortable.
I feel grounded and fully present.
I can effectively handle any situation that comes my way.
I think through the solutions to my emotional issues slowly and peacefully.
I am thankful for all the positive things in my life.
I practice the relaxation methods that I enjoy.
My body is healthy and strong.
I eat a well balanced and nutritious diet.
I enjoy eating delicious and healthful food.
My body wants food that is easy to digest and high in vitamins and minerals.
I do regular exercise in a relaxed and enjoyable manner
I am filled with energy, vitality, and self-confidence.
I am pleased with how I handle my emotional needs.
I know exactly how to manage my daily schedule to promote my emotional and physical well-being.
I listen to my body's needs and regulate my activity level to take care of those needs.
I love and honor my body.
I fill my mind with positive and self-nourishing thoughts.
I am a wonderful and worthy person.
I deserve health, vitality, and peace of mind.
I have total confidence in my ability to heal myself.
I feel radiant with abundant energy and vitality.
The world around me is full of radiant beauty and abundance.
I am attracted only to those people and situations that support and nurture me.
I appreciate the positive people and situations that are currently in my life.
I love and honor myself.
I enjoy my positive thoughts and feelings

Nice. There will be ups and downs, but generally up from here. The hell you went through... You'll never go through again.

Post roll. Keep your word. Every day.

You are coming out of the same dark and smelly tunnel we all came from. Like WtW said you don't ever have to go back in there! Good work Kirk!

[worktowin]

Day 42

I am finally getting some sleep, about 5-6 hours and sometimes 7 which is great. Only issue is I still have the anxiety cravings going which my meds take care of that. I will slowly start to taper off of those in the next 3 weeks and reduce the dose 3 weeks after that.

My counselor told my that I am not in any type of depression psychologically and that my anxiety is biological, not psychological, which means it's being cause biologically in my body from the nicotine withdrawals (that made me happy to hear). Basically it's like I have a severe burn on my arm and it hurts. The only thing that will take away that burn is burn cream. Over time the burn will heal and I can apply less and less burn cream to the burn. As with my mind, dealing without nicotine, I have to take small dose of Xanax to reduce the anxiety, but after a few more weeks will slowly taper off the Xanax, as my body will no longer be looking for the nicotine. Yes, I am replacing one crutch with another for the time being, but at least this crutch has less withdrawal symptoms and isn't as addicting or cause cancer like nicotine. And above all, it's not available at your local gas station! Even taking it further, I don't like to feel the medicine head feeling it gives you (groggy)

So in essence I say 'Finger' NIC BITCH! I'm on day 42 and have 10,602 days left to even the score of being without you in my head! I will get there and I will prevail!!!



Some daily reads for you guys!!! Read this to yourself every day!

I handle stress and tension appropriately and effectively.
My mood is calm and relaxed.
I can cope well and get on with my life during times of stress
I think thoughts that uplift and nurture me.
I enjoy thinking positive thoughts that make me feel good about myself and my life.
I deserve to feel good right now.
I feel peaceful and calm.
My breathing is slow and calm.
My muscles are relaxed and comfortable.
I feel grounded and fully present.
I can effectively handle any situation that comes my way.
I think through the solutions to my emotional issues slowly and peacefully.
I am thankful for all the positive things in my life.
I practice the relaxation methods that I enjoy.
My body is healthy and strong.
I eat a well balanced and nutritious diet.
I enjoy eating delicious and healthful food.
My body wants food that is easy to digest and high in vitamins and minerals.
I do regular exercise in a relaxed and enjoyable manner
I am filled with energy, vitality, and self-confidence.
I am pleased with how I handle my emotional needs.
I know exactly how to manage my daily schedule to promote my emotional and physical well-being.
I listen to my body's needs and regulate my activity level to take care of those needs.
I love and honor my body.
I fill my mind with positive and self-nourishing thoughts.
I am a wonderful and worthy person.
I deserve health, vitality, and peace of mind.
I have total confidence in my ability to heal myself.
I feel radiant with abundant energy and vitality.
The world around me is full of radiant beauty and abundance.
I am attracted only to those people and situations that support and nurture me.
I appreciate the positive people and situations that are currently in my life.
I love and honor myself.
I enjoy my positive thoughts and feelings

Nice. There will be ups and downs, but generally up from here. The hell you went through... You'll never go through again.

Post roll. Keep your word. Every day.

[Gone Cruising]

Day 42

I am finally getting some sleep, about 5-6 hours and sometimes 7 which is great. Only issue is I still have the anxiety cravings going which my meds take care of that. I will slowly start to taper off of those in the next 3 weeks and reduce the dose 3 weeks after that.

My counselor told my that I am not in any type of depression psychologically and that my anxiety is biological, not psychological, which means it's being cause biologically in my body from the nicotine withdrawals (that made me happy to hear). Basically it's like I have a severe burn on my arm and it hurts. The only thing that will take away that burn is burn cream. Over time the burn will heal and I can apply less and less burn cream to the burn. As with my mind, dealing without nicotine, I have to take small dose of Xanax to reduce the anxiety, but after a few more weeks will slowly taper off the Xanax, as my body will no longer be looking for the nicotine. Yes, I am replacing one crutch with another for the time being, but at least this crutch has less withdrawal symptoms and isn't as addicting or cause cancer like nicotine. And above all, it's not available at your local gas station! Even taking it further, I don't like to feel the medicine head feeling it gives you (groggy)

So in essence I say 'Finger' NIC BITCH! I'm on day 42 and have 10,602 days left to even the score of being without you in my head! I will get there and I will prevail!!!



Some daily reads for you guys!!! Read this to yourself every day!

I handle stress and tension appropriately and effectively.
My mood is calm and relaxed.
I can cope well and get on with my life during times of stress
I think thoughts that uplift and nurture me.
I enjoy thinking positive thoughts that make me feel good about myself and my life.
I deserve to feel good right now.
I feel peaceful and calm.
My breathing is slow and calm.
My muscles are relaxed and comfortable.
I feel grounded and fully present.
I can effectively handle any situation that comes my way.
I think through the solutions to my emotional issues slowly and peacefully.
I am thankful for all the positive things in my life.
I practice the relaxation methods that I enjoy.
My body is healthy and strong.
I eat a well balanced and nutritious diet.
I enjoy eating delicious and healthful food.
My body wants food that is easy to digest and high in vitamins and minerals.
I do regular exercise in a relaxed and enjoyable manner
I am filled with energy, vitality, and self-confidence.
I am pleased with how I handle my emotional needs.
I know exactly how to manage my daily schedule to promote my emotional and physical well-being.
I listen to my body's needs and regulate my activity level to take care of those needs.
I love and honor my body.
I fill my mind with positive and self-nourishing thoughts.
I am a wonderful and worthy person.
I deserve health, vitality, and peace of mind.
I have total confidence in my ability to heal myself.
I feel radiant with abundant energy and vitality.
The world around me is full of radiant beauty and abundance.
I am attracted only to those people and situations that support and nurture me.
I appreciate the positive people and situations that are currently in my life.
I love and honor myself.
I enjoy my positive thoughts and feelings

[Gone Cruising]

Day 39 is almost in the books! This last Sunday I experienced my first major panic attack or anxiety attack! I woke up on Sunday morning at 2 a.m. to adjust to my new start time on Monday. Had laid around the house trying to stay awake I got sleepy and tired and should have taken a nap. On top of that I forgot to take my xanax, whoops! I have never felt anything like that ever in my life and I don't choose to want to feel that ever again, I thought I was going to die. I quickly took my half a milligram of xanax and curled up into a ball on my bed in the fetal position waiting for the panic to stop. After a half hour my body calm down. At this time only taking less than half the dose my doctor prescribed and it's working for me OK. But when I forget to take it its not a good thing.

For those of you who are experiencing any type of anxiety or depression its all normal and it all depends on how long it's going to last for you because everyone is different. Don't feel ashamed don't feel like you're a pussy and don't feel anything if you need to reach out and get some help with your doctor.

10650 days of using nicotine on my brain, 39 days so far without it and I'm doing great thanks to the support of my brothers on kill the can! Quit on brothers!

[Gone Cruising]

Day 36

Today I got up at 3am due to having to start a new role at work. Needless to say I did not get much sleep and probably the reason why my (what I call anxiety cravings) came and hit me hard today. The feeling of a bit of shortness of breathe, a lump in your throat, and a weight on your chest. To me this is the nic bitch trying to dig her claws back into me, wanting me to cave. I will not.

I read quite a bit on xanax and benzos this past few days and yes, I need to get off that shit fast. I decided not to reach out for my regular 2nd half dose this morning as I need to learn to control the anxiety craving. And so here I am writing this and my mind is starting to ease up and be more relaxed. Total time from this attack lasted about 2 hours. I've been here before and I know I am alright, just need to retrain the brain. Wanting to do this free and clear as much as possible.

What I should be doing is something that keeps my mind busy, but I am sitting here as I am very tired. So, in a nutshell, lack of sleep, nic bitch withdrawals, job change, and time change, two days out from my grandfather's funeral, didn't take my dose of xanax. Yeah, that should pretty much mess with your mind a bit.

I am strong, every day I get better, every nic bitch anxiety craving is just a bump in the road. I can do this and will not back down! Fuck you nic bitch you had control of me for 30 years now it's my turn to control you!

[Gone Cruising]

Thanks guys. Reassuring that I'm not the only one that is experiencing this type of sleep depravity.