So, back to what I've been posting in my intro. Having some problems with the girlfriend lately. It seems as though I haven't gotten over dip rage (to some extent). Generally miserable all the time (from what she says). She said that within the last month or two I'm more miserable to be around than I was at my old job. That really hits home because I absolutely loathed that place.
I don't know how to resolve this. And I really have to. She's at the point that she's ready to walk because of how I've been acting. The worst part is that I've been oblivious to it. I don't know if it's lingering fog that's kept me from realizing how I've been acting or what. Regardless, I need to find a solution to turn my ass around.
Any suggestions/advice from those who may have been in a similar spot would be appreciated.
First, I commend your courage to discuss this openly here. That's big. Second, I can relate some due to problems in my own home life. Third, I don't have answers or even a success story to share. But I can say some things in hopes that it may give you some new thoughts to use in your situation.
- you may have numbed out a lot of stuff in the last through the dopamine receptor dance you did with nicotine. Maybe problems were already there under the dip-fogged surface.
- for some of us the predisposition to become addicted can be largely because we didn't learn to regulate ourselves so well emotionally in our childhood. So we may still carry coping issues with us. I think this makes me a bit of a jerk at times. I also think it has made me far too attracted to "troubled" women in my partner choices. Getting to know and accept and maybe work on some of our patterns that bother us is a new opportunity for growth once the addiction is out of the dribers seat.
- I know that I feel things stronger now and am still learning to live life unfiltered by the evil weed. I can react strongly to things because my feelings are almost a new experience. I've been finding some help with this in "mindfulness" or sort of meditation, and exercise, and just focussing on the joys of life instead of what bothers me- usually at least.
Like I said, just some thoughts in case they help somehow. I and my own life have plenty of flaws and mistakes but I believe that having the courage to be open is one of the most warrior-like approaches we can take and so I do my best to help by sharing.
One final point is to be sure you have support outside of your relationship with your woman, as we are group creatures by nature- we need other people to thrive.
Much appreciated, Brett.
I've always been a pessimist and a cynic. Her complaint is that it's apparently been to the point that it's bringing her down. That's a legit concern to me (aside from her talking about leaving if things don't get better). This girl practically sh*ts unicorns and rainbows. Nothing brings her down.
Except me, now.
Really frustrating. I've been talking to Mantelope since he and I chat on almost a daily basis. He's offered some good advice; I just hope that I have the opportunity to work on/fix things. I really don't want to lose her. She's been there for me through a lot (most recently, my quit) over the past 2 years. I've put a lot of time and effort into this to lose it now because I'm being a jackass. I've gotta figure a way out of this funk.
Not sure if this will help but it is my opinion and I'm no Dr. Phil. From my perspective ... the most important thing right now has to be you staying quit. There is no you without you being quit. You just become a mindless slave again that is killing himself with an addictive weed. You can not go back to that.
This is a difficult time and you need to battle every day. This is likely the most difficult thing you will ever do. You need to sit down and discuss this with your girl. She needs to know that you are going thru a tough time and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm sure you have done that but she likely just does not get it. It is hard for many to comprehend the addictive mind we all have. You are getting back to being the MonsterEMT you once were. The MonsterEMT that lived life free. I doubt you are the cause for all the relationships ills... I'm sure you have caused some but difficulties in a relationship are not usually all one sided.
The only things you must do today are stay quit and be the best man you can be.
Feel free to go back to my intro thread and read my theories on the indirect ratio of days quit to the level of my assholedness. The bottom line is rage/anger is part of winning this fight. My girlfriend lives with me and she was the brunt of my assholdenness for the better part of my first 8 weeks although their was gradual improvement in this time frame. It is however, important to understand that as you improve you will only return to your base level of assholedness. Quitting does not somehow make you less of an asshole than you already were. You will just be the same asshole you always were without cancer causing dog shit in your mouth. That said, if your girlfriend is confident that your base level of assholedness is something she can tolerate when you do (and you will) return there then I would make the following suggestions (seriously):
1) Acknowledge your assholdness frequently. Take the time to actually go back and apologize once you cool off.
2) Find a way to do some little special things...for mine it is random bags of Cadbury Easter Eggs Candies, left on her car seat, under her pillow...etc.
3) Acknowledge the effect you are having on her and her feelings..." I know I hurt your feelings when I discovered the toothpaste cap was not on and then discussed it for a freakin' half hour..."
4) Have her visit the spousal/girlfriend support page at KTC.org so she can better understand what you are going through....include her in the process, make her feel that she is apart of your Quit and part of your support network and success.
5) Consider sharing the Spousal Support Group on Facebook for girlfriends and wives of quitters....this a good place for her to realize your are not the only asshole out there. Misery likes company and women tend to like to have people sympathize (not solve) their problems. In my opinion, other women are much better at this than men. Sir Derek shared this with me early in my quit. Reach out to him or PM me your email on FB and I will friend you and attempt to share the link.
Quit on my fellow Asshole!
Quiting still sucks, doesn't it? Frustrated you're not "cured" yet aren't you? This should be easy by now, right?
These are the things that are fueling your anger. Not your girl, so stop being a dick around her.
Pull your head out of your ass and start remembering why you quit, as opposed to snapping bad when you are frustrated by the quit.
Your girl isn't to blame, she sounds like a great gal. Be more aware of your behavior around her. Be conscious of how your acting, rather that simply reacting to how you feel.
Slow the fuck down and check yourself.
I know quitting is hard as fuck, I know it's frustrating and sometimes you just want to rip someones head off and shove it up their dick hole.
But I also know there is a certain "tipping point" where you know you're about to do some rotten shit, or a realization that you've been acting like and ass for the past hour. That's where you have to take a big deep breath and reel it in. Put the tiger back in the cage.
If you find in some spots you can't. Walk out of the room and beat the shit out of a pillow, or go to your computer and call me a fucked face fatty. SOMETHING other than driving a divide between you and your girl.
She doesn't deserve it, and if you just slow it down, you two will be just fine.
You can do this, you will do this.
Quit on...
