I"m in- just found my way

[rdad]

Day 78

I've been going through some sh*t for a while, as some here know. Some of it's led to some realizations about my quit, that I want to record here. As for the stuff i've been wading through, it's tough to put it here but I will because i think isolation is part of the disease of addiction, and i want to battle that. Plus, maybe this will help someone else get through their own tough spots. It sure helped me to find out you all were here and getting through I thought for years I dealt with alone. So there's real value in terms of openness and it's part of how i'm trying to approach this thing. This will be a longer post, so I"m going to just post my realizations here early, to save anyone reading from going further to get to the point...

1. At this point in my quit, I"m totally unafraid of craves, etc. I"ve been tested. But i am not being cocky. Like a quit mentor here suggested to me, I"ve practiced using the tools here to help me. But the danger of the addiction has not gone away, and it never will. Around this time in a quit, it seems that the real ongoing danger comes to the fore-- that danger is complacency. I see it. I can see now why daily role posting is critical. I've seen failures on the site here, i know my own failed quits in the past, i read about other failed quits from the site.  I konw more caves will come to our little brotherhood, and I know it's a game of russian roullette for me if I were ever to decide to fall off this program here and stop posting. I am determined to remain here. I'm inspired by some of the quitters here, and uplifted by many of you.

2. I am increasingly developing a belief that once you start to clean up a major messy area of your life, like dipping and addiciton for so many of us, other things can potentially start to clean up too- in some sort of connection. If you're a Christian, maybe "the Lord starts working in mysterious ways" or if you are buddhist maybe Kharma goes about making other changes in your life when you start to clean it up. Change is not always, and arguably never, comfortable when we go through it. Otherwise we would have chosen the change long ago. But it sure does seem that when it rains it pours, many times, and i can't help but think there must be a connection.

3. I am absolutely committed to fighting what this drug does to us humans. It's ridiculous that it is allowed to be sold so easily, and perpetuated ignorance, that is only meant to benefit big tobacco, is allowed to continue in our society. This stuff is as bad of a drug, this addiction is as bad, as can be imagined! It is so harmful, and so addictive, and effects us all in so many ways. I will fight it. The fight is in the streets-- it's one by one, helping those who are strong enough to do it with support. It is also in education- and I'm constantly talking to people about just how terribly addictive this stuff is. I intend to continue to learn, from some fine examples here, how I can become my own advocate for quit, especially once I have a little time more under my own quit belt. The intention and commitment is already there though.

Ok, those are the insights. Here's where I've been lately. In November I posted about some frustrations I was having at home- my live-in partner, common law wife, had been doing some financial misdeeds that were a betrayal to me and busted my credit up pretty bad, not to mention racked up some debt. Alll sorts of trigger times, but not anything I couldn't handle with some visits back here, texts with quit bros, etc. Emotionally, however, I was feeling betrayed and trying to sort through whether I could learn to trust her again, etc. and dealing with the pending end of the relationship.

That sort of uncomfortable silence and delicate balance remained, as she and the kids needed to stay in the house as well as me. The took a couple of trips around the holiday times, fincanced by her family members pitching in. We weren't talking much though, outside of what was needed to function.

In her text to me about when she was coming home from the Christmas/New Years visit to her childhood home they made, she also told me she wanted talk about some heavy stuff with me. Being pretty excitable, of course that was a little nerve wracking for me, and gave me craves/triggers, but they weren't a problem, I am used to handling them now and i'm committed above all else to being quit.

When we had the talk, the next bomb came. She has been diagnosed with cervical cancer. WTF?!?!?  it sucks. I was shook up for a few days, as this was about all I could handle emotionally. I sought out a therapist to help me with anger at the surface before, then this Monday went into his office and bawled my eyes out with all the emotion and jumbled up mess of conflicting feelings about her, myself, everything. Let me put a plug in here for therapy, it can really help and i'm not ever ashamed to say I used it in my life when needed. Just like having a physical injury sometimes we need a doc and/or PT, same is true for emotions- we can get injured and need help getting back on track.

Well this story above created what has to be the most intense, confusing, and hard, sucky period of my life so far, including a pretty messed up childhood at times.  This is relevant to my quit because it was so intense. This woulld have broken me before. I would be chewing a can or two per day through this, when I was a 2-3 cans per week chewer normally. And I do get some hard craves, the "habitual" sort of ones i described in an earlier post to myself. But make no mistake, I am not tempted at all to chew or get any other access to nicotine. When the craves hit, they just remind me how much I hate nicotine. Then I'm sort of thankful for them for doing that. No temptation whatsoever from a crave, and this could go on forever as far as I can see. The issue that remains though, is really clear- at this point, complacency is the danger. As i read stories of caves on the site here, that seems to be the common thread too. I am now wary as heck against complacency, and committed to not let it happen in me.

These things in my domestic relationship are really hard to sort out. I do see a common thread of cleaning up, bringing to light things that were already there, but hidden. This sort of seems like a ripple effect of my decision to quit my ninja dipping and come to terms with an addiction that was never understood or admitted to before. All these other things that have been going on in my home involve something coming to light, that was not in the light before. Each of them would be worse if it continued in the darkness. So, if and when I can remove myself from the varous hurts and fears, etc involved, I can always find at least some gratitude that it came to light rather than continue to fester.

I recognize all sorts of spiritual and religious perspectives, and it seems like quite a few of them would point to the evil of the nicotine, and the other problems that were under the surface in my life, as being of a kindred sort. That is why I am committed to becoming a warrior against the nic bitch. 

My life is in a transition in many levels right now, and I will have some more tough times to get through as it all sorts out, and i can't know much about how a lot of it will work out in the end. I pray so much for my partner's health to get better, and ask for your prayers for the same, however you pray. I hope for the best for both of us to result from the tension in our relationship from her own shopping addiction that led to the credit mess and deceit. All these events in her life seem to have given her a new and better perspective than I have seen in a long time from her, and i'm grateful for that. I will sort though and survive the credit issues, although I'm not certain of how long etc that will take- i'm just confident that it'll work out with some effort. The one thing I do know is that I don't want any damned poison weed in my mouth.

I would have had to break the "quit" so many times before through all this. Now I'm not tempted. I get headaches, funks, huge stress, anxiety, and all other sorts of feelings were triggers before. Some of them still are, and I have to smack the bitch down as she whispers in my ear or does other stuff that'd make some of you more ghey guys jealous, but she ain't getting anywhere with me, I"m just not interested in any way. Like I said, complacency is my danger now, and my plan for that is to follow the method that works here.  I am so thankful for the fact that despite all this am am still quit and clearly planning to stay that way.

Final bonus- bulding my accountabilty network has also given me some great bros who I can reach out to when the times get tough besides addiction, and that is something that I always wanted more of. In an earlier post, I mentioned how I think the poison even isolated me in that way over the years too. Thanks KTC!

Damn. No battle tougher than life. Congrats on staying on the course of change. Now you are experiencing life on lifes terms.

Nicotine never saves, heals or cures. It enslaves, hurts and kills.

Very sorry about you personal situation and inspired by your grit.

Never, Never, Never, ever Surrender.

I read in the KJV Old Testament. Exodus:16. It gave me perspective that when we gain our freedom, we sometimes think slavery was better because the wilderness sucks.

Make it through the wilderness trials...You will get manna but you need time to rewire and reprogram.

Life Gets Better When you face it nic Free

Got your back brother. Hang tough and keep enjoying life despite tough circumstances.

Just wanted to chime in too. Your strength is inspiring to us all Brett. Stay committed and believe that things will get better. You have the right frame of mind and a lot of support. I'm sending good vibes over the sierras and the rockies. They should be there soon..... :D

[Grizzlyhasclaws]

Day 78

I've been going through some sh*t for a while, as some here know. Some of it's led to some realizations about my quit, that I want to record here. As for the stuff i've been wading through, it's tough to put it here but I will because i think isolation is part of the disease of addiction, and i want to battle that. Plus, maybe this will help someone else get through their own tough spots. It sure helped me to find out you all were here and getting through I thought for years I dealt with alone. So there's real value in terms of openness and it's part of how i'm trying to approach this thing. This will be a longer post, so I"m going to just post my realizations here early, to save anyone reading from going further to get to the point...

1. At this point in my quit, I"m totally unafraid of craves, etc. I"ve been tested. But i am not being cocky. Like a quit mentor here suggested to me, I"ve practiced using the tools here to help me. But the danger of the addiction has not gone away, and it never will. Around this time in a quit, it seems that the real ongoing danger comes to the fore-- that danger is complacency. I see it. I can see now why daily role posting is critical. I've seen failures on the site here, i know my own failed quits in the past, i read about other failed quits from the site.  I konw more caves will come to our little brotherhood, and I know it's a game of russian roullette for me if I were ever to decide to fall off this program here and stop posting. I am determined to remain here. I'm inspired by some of the quitters here, and uplifted by many of you.

2. I am increasingly developing a belief that once you start to clean up a major messy area of your life, like dipping and addiciton for so many of us, other things can potentially start to clean up too- in some sort of connection. If you're a Christian, maybe "the Lord starts working in mysterious ways" or if you are buddhist maybe Kharma goes about making other changes in your life when you start to clean it up. Change is not always, and arguably never, comfortable when we go through it. Otherwise we would have chosen the change long ago. But it sure does seem that when it rains it pours, many times, and i can't help but think there must be a connection.

3. I am absolutely committed to fighting what this drug does to us humans. It's ridiculous that it is allowed to be sold so easily, and perpetuated ignorance, that is only meant to benefit big tobacco, is allowed to continue in our society. This stuff is as bad of a drug, this addiction is as bad, as can be imagined! It is so harmful, and so addictive, and effects us all in so many ways. I will fight it. The fight is in the streets-- it's one by one, helping those who are strong enough to do it with support. It is also in education- and I'm constantly talking to people about just how terribly addictive this stuff is. I intend to continue to learn, from some fine examples here, how I can become my own advocate for quit, especially once I have a little time more under my own quit belt. The intention and commitment is already there though.

Ok, those are the insights. Here's where I've been lately. In November I posted about some frustrations I was having at home- my live-in partner, common law wife, had been doing some financial misdeeds that were a betrayal to me and busted my credit up pretty bad, not to mention racked up some debt. Alll sorts of trigger times, but not anything I couldn't handle with some visits back here, texts with quit bros, etc. Emotionally, however, I was feeling betrayed and trying to sort through whether I could learn to trust her again, etc. and dealing with the pending end of the relationship.

That sort of uncomfortable silence and delicate balance remained, as she and the kids needed to stay in the house as well as me. The took a couple of trips around the holiday times, fincanced by her family members pitching in. We weren't talking much though, outside of what was needed to function.

In her text to me about when she was coming home from the Christmas/New Years visit to her childhood home they made, she also told me she wanted talk about some heavy stuff with me. Being pretty excitable, of course that was a little nerve wracking for me, and gave me craves/triggers, but they weren't a problem, I am used to handling them now and i'm committed above all else to being quit.

When we had the talk, the next bomb came. She has been diagnosed with cervical cancer. WTF?!?!?  it sucks. I was shook up for a few days, as this was about all I could handle emotionally. I sought out a therapist to help me with anger at the surface before, then this Monday went into his office and bawled my eyes out with all the emotion and jumbled up mess of conflicting feelings about her, myself, everything. Let me put a plug in here for therapy, it can really help and i'm not ever ashamed to say I used it in my life when needed. Just like having a physical injury sometimes we need a doc and/or PT, same is true for emotions- we can get injured and need help getting back on track.

Well this story above created what has to be the most intense, confusing, and hard, sucky period of my life so far, including a pretty messed up childhood at times.  This is relevant to my quit because it was so intense. This woulld have broken me before. I would be chewing a can or two per day through this, when I was a 2-3 cans per week chewer normally. And I do get some hard craves, the "habitual" sort of ones i described in an earlier post to myself. But make no mistake, I am not tempted at all to chew or get any other access to nicotine. When the craves hit, they just remind me how much I hate nicotine. Then I'm sort of thankful for them for doing that. No temptation whatsoever from a crave, and this could go on forever as far as I can see. The issue that remains though, is really clear- at this point, complacency is the danger. As i read stories of caves on the site here, that seems to be the common thread too. I am now wary as heck against complacency, and committed to not let it happen in me.

These things in my domestic relationship are really hard to sort out. I do see a common thread of cleaning up, bringing to light things that were already there, but hidden. This sort of seems like a ripple effect of my decision to quit my ninja dipping and come to terms with an addiction that was never understood or admitted to before. All these other things that have been going on in my home involve something coming to light, that was not in the light before. Each of them would be worse if it continued in the darkness. So, if and when I can remove myself from the varous hurts and fears, etc involved, I can always find at least some gratitude that it came to light rather than continue to fester.

I recognize all sorts of spiritual and religious perspectives, and it seems like quite a few of them would point to the evil of the nicotine, and the other problems that were under the surface in my life, as being of a kindred sort. That is why I am committed to becoming a warrior against the nic bitch. 

My life is in a transition in many levels right now, and I will have some more tough times to get through as it all sorts out, and i can't know much about how a lot of it will work out in the end. I pray so much for my partner's health to get better, and ask for your prayers for the same, however you pray. I hope for the best for both of us to result from the tension in our relationship from her own shopping addiction that led to the credit mess and deceit. All these events in her life seem to have given her a new and better perspective than I have seen in a long time from her, and i'm grateful for that. I will sort though and survive the credit issues, although I'm not certain of how long etc that will take- i'm just confident that it'll work out with some effort. The one thing I do know is that I don't want any damned poison weed in my mouth.

I would have had to break the "quit" so many times before through all this. Now I'm not tempted. I get headaches, funks, huge stress, anxiety, and all other sorts of feelings were triggers before. Some of them still are, and I have to smack the bitch down as she whispers in my ear or does other stuff that'd make some of you more ghey guys jealous, but she ain't getting anywhere with me, I"m just not interested in any way. Like I said, complacency is my danger now, and my plan for that is to follow the method that works here.  I am so thankful for the fact that despite all this am am still quit and clearly planning to stay that way.

Final bonus- bulding my accountabilty network has also given me some great bros who I can reach out to when the times get tough besides addiction, and that is something that I always wanted more of. In an earlier post, I mentioned how I think the poison even isolated me in that way over the years too. Thanks KTC!

Damn. No battle tougher than life. Congrats on staying on the course of change. Now you are experiencing life on lifes terms.

Nicotine never saves, heals or cures. It enslaves, hurts and kills.

Very sorry about you personal situation and inspired by your grit.

Never, Never, Never, ever Surrender.

I read in the KJV Old Testament. Exodus:16. It gave me perspective that when we gain our freedom, we sometimes think slavery was better because the wilderness sucks.

Make it through the wilderness trials...You will get manna but you need time to rewire and reprogram.

Life Gets Better When you face it nic Free

Got your back brother. Hang tough and keep enjoying life despite tough circumstances.

[Mthomas3824]

Day 78

I've been going through some sh*t for a while, as some here know. Some of it's led to some realizations about my quit, that I want to record here. As for the stuff i've been wading through, it's tough to put it here but I will because i think isolation is part of the disease of addiction, and i want to battle that. Plus, maybe this will help someone else get through their own tough spots. It sure helped me to find out you all were here and getting through I thought for years I dealt with alone. So there's real value in terms of openness and it's part of how i'm trying to approach this thing. This will be a longer post, so I"m going to just post my realizations here early, to save anyone reading from going further to get to the point...

1. At this point in my quit, I"m totally unafraid of craves, etc. I"ve been tested. But i am not being cocky. Like a quit mentor here suggested to me, I"ve practiced using the tools here to help me. But the danger of the addiction has not gone away, and it never will. Around this time in a quit, it seems that the real ongoing danger comes to the fore-- that danger is complacency. I see it. I can see now why daily role posting is critical. I've seen failures on the site here, i know my own failed quits in the past, i read about other failed quits from the site. I konw more caves will come to our little brotherhood, and I know it's a game of russian roullette for me if I were ever to decide to fall off this program here and stop posting. I am determined to remain here. I'm inspired by some of the quitters here, and uplifted by many of you.

2. I am increasingly developing a belief that once you start to clean up a major messy area of your life, like dipping and addiciton for so many of us, other things can potentially start to clean up too- in some sort of connection. If you're a Christian, maybe "the Lord starts working in mysterious ways" or if you are buddhist maybe Kharma goes about making other changes in your life when you start to clean it up. Change is not always, and arguably never, comfortable when we go through it. Otherwise we would have chosen the change long ago. But it sure does seem that when it rains it pours, many times, and i can't help but think there must be a connection.

3. I am absolutely committed to fighting what this drug does to us humans. It's ridiculous that it is allowed to be sold so easily, and perpetuated ignorance, that is only meant to benefit big tobacco, is allowed to continue in our society. This stuff is as bad of a drug, this addiction is as bad, as can be imagined! It is so harmful, and so addictive, and effects us all in so many ways. I will fight it. The fight is in the streets-- it's one by one, helping those who are strong enough to do it with support. It is also in education- and I'm constantly talking to people about just how terribly addictive this stuff is. I intend to continue to learn, from some fine examples here, how I can become my own advocate for quit, especially once I have a little time more under my own quit belt. The intention and commitment is already there though.

Ok, those are the insights. Here's where I've been lately. In November I posted about some frustrations I was having at home- my live-in partner, common law wife, had been doing some financial misdeeds that were a betrayal to me and busted my credit up pretty bad, not to mention racked up some debt. Alll sorts of trigger times, but not anything I couldn't handle with some visits back here, texts with quit bros, etc. Emotionally, however, I was feeling betrayed and trying to sort through whether I could learn to trust her again, etc. and dealing with the pending end of the relationship.

That sort of uncomfortable silence and delicate balance remained, as she and the kids needed to stay in the house as well as me. The took a couple of trips around the holiday times, fincanced by her family members pitching in. We weren't talking much though, outside of what was needed to function.

In her text to me about when she was coming home from the Christmas/New Years visit to her childhood home they made, she also told me she wanted talk about some heavy stuff with me. Being pretty excitable, of course that was a little nerve wracking for me, and gave me craves/triggers, but they weren't a problem, I am used to handling them now and i'm committed above all else to being quit.

When we had the talk, the next bomb came. She has been diagnosed with cervical cancer. WTF?!?!? it sucks. I was shook up for a few days, as this was about all I could handle emotionally. I sought out a therapist to help me with anger at the surface before, then this Monday went into his office and bawled my eyes out with all the emotion and jumbled up mess of conflicting feelings about her, myself, everything. Let me put a plug in here for therapy, it can really help and i'm not ever ashamed to say I used it in my life when needed. Just like having a physical injury sometimes we need a doc and/or PT, same is true for emotions- we can get injured and need help getting back on track.

Well this story above created what has to be the most intense, confusing, and hard, sucky period of my life so far, including a pretty messed up childhood at times. This is relevant to my quit because it was so intense. This woulld have broken me before. I would be chewing a can or two per day through this, when I was a 2-3 cans per week chewer normally. And I do get some hard craves, the "habitual" sort of ones i described in an earlier post to myself. But make no mistake, I am not tempted at all to chew or get any other access to nicotine. When the craves hit, they just remind me how much I hate nicotine. Then I'm sort of thankful for them for doing that. No temptation whatsoever from a crave, and this could go on forever as far as I can see. The issue that remains though, is really clear- at this point, complacency is the danger. As i read stories of caves on the site here, that seems to be the common thread too. I am now wary as heck against complacency, and committed to not let it happen in me.

These things in my domestic relationship are really hard to sort out. I do see a common thread of cleaning up, bringing to light things that were already there, but hidden. This sort of seems like a ripple effect of my decision to quit my ninja dipping and come to terms with an addiction that was never understood or admitted to before. All these other things that have been going on in my home involve something coming to light, that was not in the light before. Each of them would be worse if it continued in the darkness. So, if and when I can remove myself from the varous hurts and fears, etc involved, I can always find at least some gratitude that it came to light rather than continue to fester.

I recognize all sorts of spiritual and religious perspectives, and it seems like quite a few of them would point to the evil of the nicotine, and the other problems that were under the surface in my life, as being of a kindred sort. That is why I am committed to becoming a warrior against the nic bitch.

My life is in a transition in many levels right now, and I will have some more tough times to get through as it all sorts out, and i can't know much about how a lot of it will work out in the end. I pray so much for my partner's health to get better, and ask for your prayers for the same, however you pray. I hope for the best for both of us to result from the tension in our relationship from her own shopping addiction that led to the credit mess and deceit. All these events in her life seem to have given her a new and better perspective than I have seen in a long time from her, and i'm grateful for that. I will sort though and survive the credit issues, although I'm not certain of how long etc that will take- i'm just confident that it'll work out with some effort. The one thing I do know is that I don't want any damned poison weed in my mouth.

I would have had to break the "quit" so many times before through all this. Now I'm not tempted. I get headaches, funks, huge stress, anxiety, and all other sorts of feelings were triggers before. Some of them still are, and I have to smack the bitch down as she whispers in my ear or does other stuff that'd make some of you more ghey guys jealous, but she ain't getting anywhere with me, I"m just not interested in any way. Like I said, complacency is my danger now, and my plan for that is to follow the method that works here. I am so thankful for the fact that despite all this am am still quit and clearly planning to stay that way.

Final bonus- bulding my accountabilty network has also given me some great bros who I can reach out to when the times get tough besides addiction, and that is something that I always wanted more of. In an earlier post, I mentioned how I think the poison even isolated me in that way over the years too. Thanks KTC!

Damn. No battle tougher than life. Congrats on staying on the course of change. Now you are experiencing life on lifes terms.

Nicotine never saves, heals or cures. It enslaves, hurts and kills.

Very sorry about you personal situation and inspired by your grit.

Never, Never, Never, ever Surrender.

I read in the KJV Old Testament. Exodus:16. It gave me perspective that when we gain our freedom, we sometimes think slavery was better because the wilderness sucks.

Make it through the wilderness trials...You will get manna but you need time to rewire and reprogram.

Life Gets Better When you face it nic Free

[brettlees]

Day 78

I've been going through some sh*t for a while, as some here know. Some of it's led to some realizations about my quit, that I want to record here. As for the stuff i've been wading through, it's tough to put it here but I will because i think isolation is part of the disease of addiction, and i want to battle that. Plus, maybe this will help someone else get through their own tough spots. It sure helped me to find out you all were here and getting through I thought for years I dealt with alone. So there's real value in terms of openness and it's part of how i'm trying to approach this thing. This will be a longer post, so I"m going to just post my realizations here early, to save anyone reading from going further to get to the point...

1. At this point in my quit, I"m totally unafraid of craves, etc. I"ve been tested. But i am not being cocky. Like a quit mentor here suggested to me, I"ve practiced using the tools here to help me. But the danger of the addiction has not gone away, and it never will. Around this time in a quit, it seems that the real ongoing danger comes to the fore-- that danger is complacency. I see it. I can see now why daily role posting is critical. I've seen failures on the site here, i know my own failed quits in the past, i read about other failed quits from the site. I konw more caves will come to our little brotherhood, and I know it's a game of russian roullette for me if I were ever to decide to fall off this program here and stop posting. I am determined to remain here. I'm inspired by some of the quitters here, and uplifted by many of you.

2. I am increasingly developing a belief that once you start to clean up a major messy area of your life, like dipping and addiciton for so many of us, other things can potentially start to clean up too- in some sort of connection. If you're a Christian, maybe "the Lord starts working in mysterious ways" or if you are buddhist maybe Kharma goes about making other changes in your life when you start to clean it up. Change is not always, and arguably never, comfortable when we go through it. Otherwise we would have chosen the change long ago. But it sure does seem that when it rains it pours, many times, and i can't help but think there must be a connection.

3. I am absolutely committed to fighting what this drug does to us humans. It's ridiculous that it is allowed to be sold so easily, and perpetuated ignorance, that is only meant to benefit big tobacco, is allowed to continue in our society. This stuff is as bad of a drug, this addiction is as bad, as can be imagined! It is so harmful, and so addictive, and effects us all in so many ways. I will fight it. The fight is in the streets-- it's one by one, helping those who are strong enough to do it with support. It is also in education- and I'm constantly talking to people about just how terribly addictive this stuff is. I intend to continue to learn, from some fine examples here, how I can become my own advocate for quit, especially once I have a little time more under my own quit belt. The intention and commitment is already there though.

Ok, those are the insights. Here's where I've been lately. In November I posted about some frustrations I was having at home- my live-in partner, common law wife, had been doing some financial misdeeds that were a betrayal to me and busted my credit up pretty bad, not to mention racked up some debt. Alll sorts of trigger times, but not anything I couldn't handle with some visits back here, texts with quit bros, etc. Emotionally, however, I was feeling betrayed and trying to sort through whether I could learn to trust her again, etc. and dealing with the pending end of the relationship.

That sort of uncomfortable silence and delicate balance remained, as she and the kids needed to stay in the house as well as me. The took a couple of trips around the holiday times, fincanced by her family members pitching in. We weren't talking much though, outside of what was needed to function.

In her text to me about when she was coming home from the Christmas/New Years visit to her childhood home they made, she also told me she wanted talk about some heavy stuff with me. Being pretty excitable, of course that was a little nerve wracking for me, and gave me craves/triggers, but they weren't a problem, I am used to handling them now and i'm committed above all else to being quit.

When we had the talk, the next bomb came. She has been diagnosed with cervical cancer. WTF?!?!? it sucks. I was shook up for a few days, as this was about all I could handle emotionally. I sought out a therapist to help me with anger at the surface before, then this Monday went into his office and bawled my eyes out with all the emotion and jumbled up mess of conflicting feelings about her, myself, everything. Let me put a plug in here for therapy, it can really help and i'm not ever ashamed to say I used it in my life when needed. Just like having a physical injury sometimes we need a doc and/or PT, same is true for emotions- we can get injured and need help getting back on track.

Well this story above created what has to be the most intense, confusing, and hard, sucky period of my life so far, including a pretty messed up childhood at times. This is relevant to my quit because it was so intense. This woulld have broken me before. I would be chewing a can or two per day through this, when I was a 2-3 cans per week chewer normally. And I do get some hard craves, the "habitual" sort of ones i described in an earlier post to myself. But make no mistake, I am not tempted at all to chew or get any other access to nicotine. When the craves hit, they just remind me how much I hate nicotine. Then I'm sort of thankful for them for doing that. No temptation whatsoever from a crave, and this could go on forever as far as I can see. The issue that remains though, is really clear- at this point, complacency is the danger. As i read stories of caves on the site here, that seems to be the common thread too. I am now wary as heck against complacency, and committed to not let it happen in me.

These things in my domestic relationship are really hard to sort out. I do see a common thread of cleaning up, bringing to light things that were already there, but hidden. This sort of seems like a ripple effect of my decision to quit my ninja dipping and come to terms with an addiction that was never understood or admitted to before. All these other things that have been going on in my home involve something coming to light, that was not in the light before. Each of them would be worse if it continued in the darkness. So, if and when I can remove myself from the varous hurts and fears, etc involved, I can always find at least some gratitude that it came to light rather than continue to fester.

I recognize all sorts of spiritual and religious perspectives, and it seems like quite a few of them would point to the evil of the nicotine, and the other problems that were under the surface in my life, as being of a kindred sort. That is why I am committed to becoming a warrior against the nic bitch.

My life is in a transition in many levels right now, and I will have some more tough times to get through as it all sorts out, and i can't know much about how a lot of it will work out in the end. I pray so much for my partner's health to get better, and ask for your prayers for the same, however you pray. I hope for the best for both of us to result from the tension in our relationship from her own shopping addiction that led to the credit mess and deceit. All these events in her life seem to have given her a new and better perspective than I have seen in a long time from her, and i'm grateful for that. I will sort though and survive the credit issues, although I'm not certain of how long etc that will take- i'm just confident that it'll work out with some effort. The one thing I do know is that I don't want any damned poison weed in my mouth.

I would have had to break the "quit" so many times before through all this. Now I'm not tempted. I get headaches, funks, huge stress, anxiety, and all other sorts of feelings were triggers before. Some of them still are, and I have to smack the bitch down as she whispers in my ear or does other stuff that'd make some of you more ghey guys jealous, but she ain't getting anywhere with me, I"m just not interested in any way. Like I said, complacency is my danger now, and my plan for that is to follow the method that works here. I am so thankful for the fact that despite all this am am still quit and clearly planning to stay that way.

Final bonus- bulding my accountabilty network has also given me some great bros who I can reach out to when the times get tough besides addiction, and that is something that I always wanted more of. In an earlier post, I mentioned how I think the poison even isolated me in that way over the years too. Thanks KTC!

[brettlees]

Just logging details from my quit, no support needed here, I'm doing fine and know how to reach out when I do need it - instead, help one of the flood of new quitters showing up with new years resolutions instead! this is just for my records..... And new quitters, feel free to look around, I've logged details of my quit in order to help remember what I don't want to have to go through ever again- that's part of the kool-aid around here.

Quit Log - Day 72. I have really been enjoying some nice days in the quit. No terrible symptoms since last posted. Things that linger include: 1) Anger at times, below the surface but eager to come up, and 2) cravings.

As for the anger, it is really strong if i indulge it. Others, especially Paradigm Dawg, say they had it bad and it went away. I''m hoping for that, plus doing some mindfulness work to get behind the anger and why its so bad (I think it has to do with the deep level addiction drive, not just withdrawal- the reasons why i can be addicted to anything, not just nic, in empty spot inside that we try to medicate with addictive things). I also find that exercise is great for keeping the edge of the anger weak or dull compared to how it can be otherwise. Been lifting, doing some cardio, and finding yoga especially helpful a lot of times. I going though home issues as well, so the anger is surely related to that too. It's just an ongoing issue I want to get a better handle on, so logging it here as a record.

Now, for the craves. They are still pretty common every day. I dipped for thousands of days, so its no surprise i'm still conditioned to have crave messages popping up all the time. Lately, i'm recognizing that there seems to be two types of craves. The first is nicotine specific, chew specific. I still recognize it as a little hit of "i need a chew" in my mind and body. It feels like it orginates in the body, as a deep awareness of emptyness somewhere in the guts. But strangely deeper than the guts too. Makes me thing it really originates in the brain, deep, deep back. The emptiness sort of bubbles up from deep, and sometimes i'm still aware of my gums/lips in the places where i used to pack the dips when these cravings hit. The gum/lip awareness is something between tingly and empty feeling.

The second sort of crave i'm noticing is a more general crave, not nicotine specific. It is more of an "I want" feeling without really wanting anything in detail. It feels like its from the guts too, but not as habitual and more emotionall driven. And in a different place in the same region of the body. Strange to say, but it also "feels" "older"- whatever that means. I"m aware that I used to satisfy this one with chew too. I think it may be the addict crave, versus the specifically nic addict crave. It might be the one that led me to chew, while the other one was the sort of crave created by the addiction. This second crave is one i want to get behind some more so i'll put some attention on it when I have them and see what i can figure out.

Ok, that's it for the log. Several guys have warned me of the 70's funk, which I don't think i've had (yet). I have up and down days, even hours, and the symptoms described above, but no deep funk. Sleep has been a little better but i think i'll try some melatonin as suggested by a couple of guys, at some point soon.

[brettlees]

This is just a post for my quit log, for the future me to review and refresh my hate for nicotine addiction. Feel free to move along and help someone in need- i'm doing fine, just logging some things.

Of course is something below helps you, that's great too, help yourself. 

I"m getting sick of a narcissistic type or two bumping their drama to the top all the time so i'm a little hesitant to post up and be doing the same--- when there are new quitters in need of support posting all the time, but what the hell this thread is for me and everyone can make their own minds up about narcisists and whether to keep feeding their attention addiction. 

Yesterday, day 55 for me, was a real surprise. From out of nowhere I got slammed by a deep fog and terrible headache. It's been a bit of a roller coaster but just fine for several weeks. then BAM! Felt like something out of the deepest fog funk of the first couple of weeks, even like around the 3rd or 4th day of suck.

No way was i tempted to go back. And, I just was glad to get through the day. The fact that I had made it through several of those days in a row made it tolerable. I also reached out in passing and got some great support -- thanks to derk40, Cbird, BigRuss, and StevieG.  All stepped up to sympathize/support, and that helped a lot compared to going it alone.
But for drinking this koolaid, all the people who interact with me, and the accountability and support, I would have have come this far.

Also was reading in AGlawyer's thread a bit about alcohol and caving. Basically, the point was, if you are committed with your entire spirit to quit you will not cave, even if you drink and are tempted. I agree. I think caving without alcohol is even worse, especially if you know better and have the tools like we do here. There are some guys who cave then disappear, and some that cave once or twice then dissappear or flog themselves publicly then disappear. I get that- they aren't ready. But caving when you are full on deep into the site--- now that's scary!  And with not even a lame excuse like alcohol, at all-- wow!  From this vantage point, all i can say is that I will do my very best not to cave that way. I must keep my web maintained-- that means alive, fresh. No long dissappearances ever! ALso makes me respec the heck, even more, out of the long-term quitters in this web circle. here.

I know this is just a logbook entry, but for me it is much more than that! This should be at the top of the intros for all to read brother.

You did exactly what you should have done yesterday to keep yourself quit. 55 days in and You felt a bit sideways. What did you do? You reached out to the support net on this site.

That is textbook.

Look at the recent cavers... No brotherhood and no accountability. Trying to tackle issues by themselves and not reaching out for support when they really need it.

As a whole we are strong. This brotherhood thing is no BS. Anyone on here that is worth a damn will do anything to help you stay quit. Venture out on your own and you may lose the quit that you fought so hard for.

Well done sir. Well done! QLF today!

Brett,
Brother Derk has done a great job in responding to this and you have done a great job of opening up.

Now I hope that we can make today a little more epic for your quit. I am in your town currently and I hope we can meet over a beer or something as I know for a fact that meeting a fellow quitter face to face adds a ton of accountability.

Quit on today like a complete badass, text or call me later and we can plan.

Pinched

I love reading this type of shit- young quitters getting what the site is truly about and what it means to really go balls deep and own your quit.

I hope you take Pinched up on his offer- it will help you down the road.

I know you are a student of the site but keep in mind you have a few more funks coming your way; stay prepared and you will weather them just fine!

Your intro thread is your journal Brett. Don't feel bad about posting here ever. Post every day if you feel the need; more than once a day even. It is a tool for you to record your quit or to vent for your future benefit and/or for others. You just keep doing what got you here.

As far as the drama on KTC: take what you want from it... Some of this stuff is super emotional, and some is contrived. It hurts like hell investing in people and then either being let down, or letting others who are invested in you down. Bottom line is we are all human addicts and sometimes there is drama. If there was no drama ever KTC would not work. Sometimes the drama is real.

Keep quit brother; if Pinched says you are the real deal, then that is good enough for me. Remember to keep using your intro.

been waiting for some words to take shape to express my reaction to this nest of support. The words aren't really coming too much- mostly I'm humbled and I sincerley appreciate the support of you badass quitters. It makes all the difference in the world to have the support, and accountability to others. The more you get to know me the deeper you could jump in my face and more if i were to cave. And that's exactly what I need. And I'll do the same for you. This brotherhood thing is becoming more clear to me all the time.

Oh, in case anyone is wondering, that's definitely not Pinched in his avatar. I was hoping.... but no. I'll take his bad ass self as a bro over any pretty, fluffy piece of eye candy any day though.

So you're ghey. That's cool, we are accepting of all kinds here, as long as your quit.

Merry Christmas, Sailor. Hopefully you find him under your tree this year...

:channing:

um.... I'm not the one with that sort of pic on hand. Just sayin! Keep him under your "tree" bro.

[Diesel2112]

This is just a post for my quit log, for the future me to review and refresh my hate for nicotine addiction. Feel free to move along and help someone in need- i'm doing fine, just logging some things.

Of course is something below helps you, that's great too, help yourself. 

I"m getting sick of a narcissistic type or two bumping their drama to the top all the time so i'm a little hesitant to post up and be doing the same--- when there are new quitters in need of support posting all the time, but what the hell this thread is for me and everyone can make their own minds up about narcisists and whether to keep feeding their attention addiction. 

Yesterday, day 55 for me, was a real surprise. From out of nowhere I got slammed by a deep fog and terrible headache. It's been a bit of a roller coaster but just fine for several weeks. then BAM! Felt like something out of the deepest fog funk of the first couple of weeks, even like around the 3rd or 4th day of suck.

No way was i tempted to go back. And, I just was glad to get through the day. The fact that I had made it through several of those days in a row made it tolerable. I also reached out in passing and got some great support -- thanks to derk40, Cbird, BigRuss, and StevieG.  All stepped up to sympathize/support, and that helped a lot compared to going it alone.
But for drinking this koolaid, all the people who interact with me, and the accountability and support, I would have have come this far.

Also was reading in AGlawyer's thread a bit about alcohol and caving. Basically, the point was, if you are committed with your entire spirit to quit you will not cave, even if you drink and are tempted. I agree. I think caving without alcohol is even worse, especially if you know better and have the tools like we do here. There are some guys who cave then disappear, and some that cave once or twice then dissappear or flog themselves publicly then disappear. I get that- they aren't ready. But caving when you are full on deep into the site--- now that's scary!  And with not even a lame excuse like alcohol, at all-- wow!  From this vantage point, all i can say is that I will do my very best not to cave that way. I must keep my web maintained-- that means alive, fresh. No long dissappearances ever! ALso makes me respec the heck, even more, out of the long-term quitters in this web circle. here.

I know this is just a logbook entry, but for me it is much more than that! This should be at the top of the intros for all to read brother.

You did exactly what you should have done yesterday to keep yourself quit. 55 days in and You felt a bit sideways. What did you do? You reached out to the support net on this site.

That is textbook.

Look at the recent cavers... No brotherhood and no accountability. Trying to tackle issues by themselves and not reaching out for support when they really need it.

As a whole we are strong. This brotherhood thing is no BS. Anyone on here that is worth a damn will do anything to help you stay quit. Venture out on your own and you may lose the quit that you fought so hard for.

Well done sir. Well done! QLF today!

Brett,
Brother Derk has done a great job in responding to this and you have done a great job of opening up.

Now I hope that we can make today a little more epic for your quit. I am in your town currently and I hope we can meet over a beer or something as I know for a fact that meeting a fellow quitter face to face adds a ton of accountability.

Quit on today like a complete badass, text or call me later and we can plan.

Pinched

I love reading this type of shit- young quitters getting what the site is truly about and what it means to really go balls deep and own your quit.

I hope you take Pinched up on his offer- it will help you down the road.

I know you are a student of the site but keep in mind you have a few more funks coming your way; stay prepared and you will weather them just fine!

Your intro thread is your journal Brett. Don't feel bad about posting here ever. Post every day if you feel the need; more than once a day even. It is a tool for you to record your quit or to vent for your future benefit and/or for others. You just keep doing what got you here.

As far as the drama on KTC: take what you want from it... Some of this stuff is super emotional, and some is contrived. It hurts like hell investing in people and then either being let down, or letting others who are invested in you down. Bottom line is we are all human addicts and sometimes there is drama. If there was no drama ever KTC would not work. Sometimes the drama is real.

Keep quit brother; if Pinched says you are the real deal, then that is good enough for me. Remember to keep using your intro.

been waiting for some words to take shape to express my reaction to this nest of support. The words aren't really coming too much- mostly I'm humbled and I sincerley appreciate the support of you badass quitters. It makes all the difference in the world to have the support, and accountability to others. The more you get to know me the deeper you could jump in my face and more if i were to cave. And that's exactly what I need. And I'll do the same for you. This brotherhood thing is becoming more clear to me all the time.

Oh, in case anyone is wondering, that's definitely not Pinched in his avatar. I was hoping.... but no. I'll take his bad ass self as a bro over any pretty, fluffy piece of eye candy any day though.

So you're ghey. That's cool, we are accepting of all kinds here, as long as your quit.

Merry Christmas, Sailor. Hopefully you find him under your tree this year...

:channing:

[brettlees]

This is just a post for my quit log, for the future me to review and refresh my hate for nicotine addiction. Feel free to move along and help someone in need- i'm doing fine, just logging some things.

Of course is something below helps you, that's great too, help yourself. 

I"m getting sick of a narcissistic type or two bumping their drama to the top all the time so i'm a little hesitant to post up and be doing the same--- when there are new quitters in need of support posting all the time, but what the hell this thread is for me and everyone can make their own minds up about narcisists and whether to keep feeding their attention addiction. 

Yesterday, day 55 for me, was a real surprise. From out of nowhere I got slammed by a deep fog and terrible headache. It's been a bit of a roller coaster but just fine for several weeks. then BAM! Felt like something out of the deepest fog funk of the first couple of weeks, even like around the 3rd or 4th day of suck.

No way was i tempted to go back. And, I just was glad to get through the day. The fact that I had made it through several of those days in a row made it tolerable. I also reached out in passing and got some great support -- thanks to derk40, Cbird, BigRuss, and StevieG.  All stepped up to sympathize/support, and that helped a lot compared to going it alone.
But for drinking this koolaid, all the people who interact with me, and the accountability and support, I would have have come this far.

Also was reading in AGlawyer's thread a bit about alcohol and caving. Basically, the point was, if you are committed with your entire spirit to quit you will not cave, even if you drink and are tempted. I agree. I think caving without alcohol is even worse, especially if you know better and have the tools like we do here. There are some guys who cave then disappear, and some that cave once or twice then dissappear or flog themselves publicly then disappear. I get that- they aren't ready. But caving when you are full on deep into the site--- now that's scary!  And with not even a lame excuse like alcohol, at all-- wow!  From this vantage point, all i can say is that I will do my very best not to cave that way. I must keep my web maintained-- that means alive, fresh. No long dissappearances ever! ALso makes me respec the heck, even more, out of the long-term quitters in this web circle. here.

I know this is just a logbook entry, but for me it is much more than that! This should be at the top of the intros for all to read brother.

You did exactly what you should have done yesterday to keep yourself quit. 55 days in and You felt a bit sideways. What did you do? You reached out to the support net on this site.

That is textbook.

Look at the recent cavers... No brotherhood and no accountability. Trying to tackle issues by themselves and not reaching out for support when they really need it.

As a whole we are strong. This brotherhood thing is no BS. Anyone on here that is worth a damn will do anything to help you stay quit. Venture out on your own and you may lose the quit that you fought so hard for.

Well done sir. Well done! QLF today!

Brett,
Brother Derk has done a great job in responding to this and you have done a great job of opening up.

Now I hope that we can make today a little more epic for your quit. I am in your town currently and I hope we can meet over a beer or something as I know for a fact that meeting a fellow quitter face to face adds a ton of accountability.

Quit on today like a complete badass, text or call me later and we can plan.

Pinched

I love reading this type of shit- young quitters getting what the site is truly about and what it means to really go balls deep and own your quit.

I hope you take Pinched up on his offer- it will help you down the road.

I know you are a student of the site but keep in mind you have a few more funks coming your way; stay prepared and you will weather them just fine!

Your intro thread is your journal Brett. Don't feel bad about posting here ever. Post every day if you feel the need; more than once a day even. It is a tool for you to record your quit or to vent for your future benefit and/or for others. You just keep doing what got you here.

As far as the drama on KTC: take what you want from it... Some of this stuff is super emotional, and some is contrived. It hurts like hell investing in people and then either being let down, or letting others who are invested in you down. Bottom line is we are all human addicts and sometimes there is drama. If there was no drama ever KTC would not work. Sometimes the drama is real.

Keep quit brother; if Pinched says you are the real deal, then that is good enough for me. Remember to keep using your intro.

been waiting for some words to take shape to express my reaction to this nest of support. The words aren't really coming too much- mostly I'm humbled and I sincerley appreciate the support of you badass quitters. It makes all the difference in the world to have the support, and accountability to others. The more you get to know me the deeper you could jump in my face and more if i were to cave. And that's exactly what I need. And I'll do the same for you. This brotherhood thing is becoming more clear to me all the time.

Oh, in case anyone is wondering, that's definitely not Pinched in his avatar. I was hoping.... but no. I'll take his bad ass self as a bro over any pretty, fluffy piece of eye candy any day though.

[B-loMatt]

This is just a post for my quit log, for the future me to review and refresh my hate for nicotine addiction. Feel free to move along and help someone in need- i'm doing fine, just logging some things.

Of course is something below helps you, that's great too, help yourself. 

I"m getting sick of a narcissistic type or two bumping their drama to the top all the time so i'm a little hesitant to post up and be doing the same--- when there are new quitters in need of support posting all the time, but what the hell this thread is for me and everyone can make their own minds up about narcisists and whether to keep feeding their attention addiction. 

Yesterday, day 55 for me, was a real surprise. From out of nowhere I got slammed by a deep fog and terrible headache. It's been a bit of a roller coaster but just fine for several weeks. then BAM! Felt like something out of the deepest fog funk of the first couple of weeks, even like around the 3rd or 4th day of suck.

No way was i tempted to go back. And, I just was glad to get through the day. The fact that I had made it through several of those days in a row made it tolerable. I also reached out in passing and got some great support -- thanks to derk40, Cbird, BigRuss, and StevieG.  All stepped up to sympathize/support, and that helped a lot compared to going it alone.
But for drinking this koolaid, all the people who interact with me, and the accountability and support, I would have have come this far.

Also was reading in AGlawyer's thread a bit about alcohol and caving. Basically, the point was, if you are committed with your entire spirit to quit you will not cave, even if you drink and are tempted. I agree. I think caving without alcohol is even worse, especially if you know better and have the tools like we do here. There are some guys who cave then disappear, and some that cave once or twice then dissappear or flog themselves publicly then disappear. I get that- they aren't ready. But caving when you are full on deep into the site--- now that's scary!  And with not even a lame excuse like alcohol, at all-- wow!  From this vantage point, all i can say is that I will do my very best not to cave that way. I must keep my web maintained-- that means alive, fresh. No long dissappearances ever! ALso makes me respec the heck, even more, out of the long-term quitters in this web circle. here.

I know this is just a logbook entry, but for me it is much more than that! This should be at the top of the intros for all to read brother.

You did exactly what you should have done yesterday to keep yourself quit. 55 days in and You felt a bit sideways. What did you do? You reached out to the support net on this site.

That is textbook.

Look at the recent cavers... No brotherhood and no accountability. Trying to tackle issues by themselves and not reaching out for support when they really need it.

As a whole we are strong. This brotherhood thing is no BS. Anyone on here that is worth a damn will do anything to help you stay quit. Venture out on your own and you may lose the quit that you fought so hard for.

Well done sir. Well done! QLF today!

Brett,
Brother Derk has done a great job in responding to this and you have done a great job of opening up.

Now I hope that we can make today a little more epic for your quit. I am in your town currently and I hope we can meet over a beer or something as I know for a fact that meeting a fellow quitter face to face adds a ton of accountability.

Quit on today like a complete badass, text or call me later and we can plan.

Pinched

I love reading this type of shit- young quitters getting what the site is truly about and what it means to really go balls deep and own your quit.

I hope you take Pinched up on his offer- it will help you down the road.

I know you are a student of the site but keep in mind you have a few more funks coming your way; stay prepared and you will weather them just fine!

Your intro thread is your journal Brett. Don't feel bad about posting here ever. Post every day if you feel the need; more than once a day even. It is a tool for you to record your quit or to vent for your future benefit and/or for others. You just keep doing what got you here.

As far as the drama on KTC: take what you want from it... Some of this stuff is super emotional, and some is contrived. It hurts like hell investing in people and then either being let down, or letting others who are invested in you down. Bottom line is we are all human addicts and sometimes there is drama. If there was no drama ever KTC would not work. Sometimes the drama is real.

Keep quit brother; if Pinched says you are the real deal, then that is good enough for me. Remember to keep using your intro.

[Pinched]

Brett,
Well brother you are a truly awesome individual. Loved getting to know you more plus let's be honest the Cherry Crickets makes for a really cool place to meet anyone much less a fellow quitter. Hey boys this man gets it. He is a determined quitter and although we walked different paths in life we are similar men. I respect you very much and I am glad that we got to put face to the screen names.

I cannot wait to see you board this train and help mix the KTC kool aide.

[Dougie]

This is just a post for my quit log, for the future me to review and refresh my hate for nicotine addiction. Feel free to move along and help someone in need- i'm doing fine, just logging some things.

Of course is something below helps you, that's great too, help yourself. 

I"m getting sick of a narcissistic type or two bumping their drama to the top all the time so i'm a little hesitant to post up and be doing the same--- when there are new quitters in need of support posting all the time, but what the hell this thread is for me and everyone can make their own minds up about narcisists and whether to keep feeding their attention addiction. 

Yesterday, day 55 for me, was a real surprise. From out of nowhere I got slammed by a deep fog and terrible headache. It's been a bit of a roller coaster but just fine for several weeks. then BAM! Felt like something out of the deepest fog funk of the first couple of weeks, even like around the 3rd or 4th day of suck.

No way was i tempted to go back. And, I just was glad to get through the day. The fact that I had made it through several of those days in a row made it tolerable. I also reached out in passing and got some great support -- thanks to derk40, Cbird, BigRuss, and StevieG.  All stepped up to sympathize/support, and that helped a lot compared to going it alone.
But for drinking this koolaid, all the people who interact with me, and the accountability and support, I would have have come this far.

Also was reading in AGlawyer's thread a bit about alcohol and caving. Basically, the point was, if you are committed with your entire spirit to quit you will not cave, even if you drink and are tempted. I agree. I think caving without alcohol is even worse, especially if you know better and have the tools like we do here. There are some guys who cave then disappear, and some that cave once or twice then dissappear or flog themselves publicly then disappear. I get that- they aren't ready. But caving when you are full on deep into the site--- now that's scary!  And with not even a lame excuse like alcohol, at all-- wow!  From this vantage point, all i can say is that I will do my very best not to cave that way. I must keep my web maintained-- that means alive, fresh. No long dissappearances ever! ALso makes me respec the heck, even more, out of the long-term quitters in this web circle. here.

I know this is just a logbook entry, but for me it is much more than that! This should be at the top of the intros for all to read brother.

You did exactly what you should have done yesterday to keep yourself quit. 55 days in and You felt a bit sideways. What did you do? You reached out to the support net on this site.

That is textbook.

Look at the recent cavers... No brotherhood and no accountability. Trying to tackle issues by themselves and not reaching out for support when they really need it.

As a whole we are strong. This brotherhood thing is no BS. Anyone on here that is worth a damn will do anything to help you stay quit. Venture out on your own and you may lose the quit that you fought so hard for.

Well done sir. Well done! QLF today!

Brett,
Brother Derk has done a great job in responding to this and you have done a great job of opening up.

Now I hope that we can make today a little more epic for your quit. I am in your town currently and I hope we can meet over a beer or something as I know for a fact that meeting a fellow quitter face to face adds a ton of accountability.

Quit on today like a complete badass, text or call me later and we can plan.

Pinched

I love reading this type of shit- young quitters getting what the site is truly about and what it means to really go balls deep and own your quit.

I hope you take Pinched up on his offer- it will help you down the road.

I know you are a student of the site but keep in mind you have a few more funks coming your way; stay prepared and you will weather them just fine!

[Pinched]

This is just a post for my quit log, for the future me to review and refresh my hate for nicotine addiction. Feel free to move along and help someone in need- i'm doing fine, just logging some things.

Of course is something below helps you, that's great too, help yourself. 

I"m getting sick of a narcissistic type or two bumping their drama to the top all the time so i'm a little hesitant to post up and be doing the same--- when there are new quitters in need of support posting all the time, but what the hell this thread is for me and everyone can make their own minds up about narcisists and whether to keep feeding their attention addiction. 

Yesterday, day 55 for me, was a real surprise. From out of nowhere I got slammed by a deep fog and terrible headache. It's been a bit of a roller coaster but just fine for several weeks. then BAM! Felt like something out of the deepest fog funk of the first couple of weeks, even like around the 3rd or 4th day of suck.

No way was i tempted to go back. And, I just was glad to get through the day. The fact that I had made it through several of those days in a row made it tolerable. I also reached out in passing and got some great support -- thanks to derk40, Cbird, BigRuss, and StevieG.  All stepped up to sympathize/support, and that helped a lot compared to going it alone.
But for drinking this koolaid, all the people who interact with me, and the accountability and support, I would have have come this far.

Also was reading in AGlawyer's thread a bit about alcohol and caving. Basically, the point was, if you are committed with your entire spirit to quit you will not cave, even if you drink and are tempted. I agree. I think caving without alcohol is even worse, especially if you know better and have the tools like we do here. There are some guys who cave then disappear, and some that cave once or twice then dissappear or flog themselves publicly then disappear. I get that- they aren't ready. But caving when you are full on deep into the site--- now that's scary!  And with not even a lame excuse like alcohol, at all-- wow!  From this vantage point, all i can say is that I will do my very best not to cave that way. I must keep my web maintained-- that means alive, fresh. No long dissappearances ever! ALso makes me respec the heck, even more, out of the long-term quitters in this web circle. here.

I know this is just a logbook entry, but for me it is much more than that! This should be at the top of the intros for all to read brother.

You did exactly what you should have done yesterday to keep yourself quit. 55 days in and You felt a bit sideways. What did you do? You reached out to the support net on this site.

That is textbook.

Look at the recent cavers... No brotherhood and no accountability. Trying to tackle issues by themselves and not reaching out for support when they really need it.

As a whole we are strong. This brotherhood thing is no BS. Anyone on here that is worth a damn will do anything to help you stay quit. Venture out on your own and you may lose the quit that you fought so hard for.

Well done sir. Well done! QLF today!

Brett,
Brother Derk has done a great job in responding to this and you have done a great job of opening up.

Now I hope that we can make today a little more epic for your quit. I am in your town currently and I hope we can meet over a beer or something as I know for a fact that meeting a fellow quitter face to face adds a ton of accountability.

Quit on today like a complete badass, text or call me later and we can plan.

Pinched

[Derk40]

This is just a post for my quit log, for the future me to review and refresh my hate for nicotine addiction. Feel free to move along and help someone in need- i'm doing fine, just logging some things.

Of course is something below helps you, that's great too, help yourself.

I"m getting sick of a narcissistic type or two bumping their drama to the top all the time so i'm a little hesitant to post up and be doing the same--- when there are new quitters in need of support posting all the time, but what the hell this thread is for me and everyone can make their own minds up about narcisists and whether to keep feeding their attention addiction.

Yesterday, day 55 for me, was a real surprise. From out of nowhere I got slammed by a deep fog and terrible headache. It's been a bit of a roller coaster but just fine for several weeks. then BAM! Felt like something out of the deepest fog funk of the first couple of weeks, even like around the 3rd or 4th day of suck.

No way was i tempted to go back. And, I just was glad to get through the day. The fact that I had made it through several of those days in a row made it tolerable. I also reached out in passing and got some great support -- thanks to derk40, Cbird, BigRuss, and StevieG. All stepped up to sympathize/support, and that helped a lot compared to going it alone.
But for drinking this koolaid, all the people who interact with me, and the accountability and support, I would have have come this far.

Also was reading in AGlawyer's thread a bit about alcohol and caving. Basically, the point was, if you are committed with your entire spirit to quit you will not cave, even if you drink and are tempted. I agree. I think caving without alcohol is even worse, especially if you know better and have the tools like we do here. There are some guys who cave then disappear, and some that cave once or twice then dissappear or flog themselves publicly then disappear. I get that- they aren't ready. But caving when you are full on deep into the site--- now that's scary! And with not even a lame excuse like alcohol, at all-- wow! From this vantage point, all i can say is that I will do my very best not to cave that way. I must keep my web maintained-- that means alive, fresh. No long dissappearances ever! ALso makes me respec the heck, even more, out of the long-term quitters in this web circle. here.

I know this is just a logbook entry, but for me it is much more than that! This should be at the top of the intros for all to read brother.

You did exactly what you should have done yesterday to keep yourself quit. 55 days in and You felt a bit sideways. What did you do? You reached out to the support net on this site.

That is textbook.

Look at the recent cavers... No brotherhood and no accountability. Trying to tackle issues by themselves and not reaching out for support when they really need it.

As a whole we are strong. This brotherhood thing is no BS. Anyone on here that is worth a damn will do anything to help you stay quit. Venture out on your own and you may lose the quit that you fought so hard for.

Well done sir. Well done! QLF today!

[brettlees]

This is just a post for my quit log, for the future me to review and refresh my hate for nicotine addiction. Feel free to move along and help someone in need- i'm doing fine, just logging some things.

Of course if something below helps you, that's great too, help yourself.

I"m getting sick of a narcissistic type or two bumping their drama to the top all the time so i'm a little hesitant to post up and be doing the same--- when there are new quitters in need of support posting all the time, but what the hell this thread is for me and everyone can make their own minds up about narcisists and whether to keep feeding their attention addiction.

Yesterday, day 55 for me, was a real surprise. From out of nowhere I got slammed by a deep fog and terrible headache. It's been a bit of a roller coaster but just fine for several weeks. then BAM! Felt like something out of the deepest fog funk of the first couple of weeks, even like around the 3rd or 4th day of suck.

No way was i tempted to go back. And, I just was glad to get through the day. The fact that I had made it through several of those days in a row made it tolerable. I also reached out in passing and got some great support -- thanks to derk40, Cbird, BigRuss, and StevieG. All stepped up to sympathize/support, and that helped a lot compared to going it alone.
But for drinking this koolaid, all the people who interact with me, and the accountability and support, I would not have have come this far.

Also was reading in AGlawyer's thread a bit about alcohol and caving. Basically, the point was, if you are committed with your entire spirit to quit you will not cave, even if you drink and are tempted. I agree. I think caving without alcohol is even worse, especially if you know better and have the tools like we do here. There are some guys who cave then disappear, and some that cave once or twice then dissappear or flog themselves publicly then disappear. I get that- they aren't ready. But caving when you are full on deep into the site--- now that's scary! And with not even a lame excuse like alcohol, at all-- wow! From this vantage point, all i can say is that I will do my very best not to cave that way. I must keep my web maintained-- that means alive, fresh. No long dissappearances ever! ALso makes me respec the heck, even more, out of the long-term quitters in this web circle here.

[brettlees]

Seriously, check this out. The stuff is evil. The companies selling it are evil. The family fortunes gained in its trade are evil. The people who get fat off the profits are evil. The govenrment officials who have refused to act against it, as a threat to the lives of everyone and the budget (health care) of the US. are evil.

Original quote from Greg5280 on BeerBottleSpittoon's intro thread. I"m not a quoting or linking ninja yet, but here's my best attempt...

A friend of mine has been going through this process here at Kill the Can and I see that he is on day 131.  Congratulations Scooners.  Today I join him and begin my first ever Quit in 16 years.  It will be a challenge but I will succeed because for the first time ever I want to quit.  Until now (and even now) I have loved loved loved chewing.  But last night I had my last chew and today I quit.

as of today, you no longer love it. You'll find, perhaps very quickly, that you detest tobacco. Read the site from top to bottom. When you are done, you'll hate tobacco for the rest of your life.

Tarpon is correct. The illusion you made up for yourself is that you liked it. You don't. Step back and look at the habit itself and you will decide it is the most digusting fucking thing you have ever done. I will post an article here that may help you understand.

Understanding your enemy.

**Portions taken from an article on Whyquit.com**

As teenagers, what most of us thought would be a brief rebellious experiment was quickly transformed into a powerful lifelong chemical addiction as daily multiple nicotine feedings quickly became mandatory. New studies confirm that for some of us it only took coughing and hacking our way through a few nicotine laden cigarettes, or a few pinches of tobacco before the shackles of slavery began to take control. Five, ten, fifteen nicotine fixes a day became the norm, our way of life- when will enough be enough became the question. "Tomorrow, tomorrow I will quit” or "I love tobacco, it helps me think" “ “It helps me remain calm”, and many other lies we told ourselves daily. Welcome to the realities of true chemical dependency. A world built upon lies; Lies sold to you by big tobacco and lies you told yourself.

Psychologists calls our lies denial. Denial is an unconscious defense mechanism - just below the surface - we use for resolving the emotional conflict and anxieties that naturally arise from living in a permanent state of self-destructive chemical bondage. Three primary areas of denial relied upon by nicotine addicts are dependency denial, cost denial and recovery denial. In each, truth is sacrificed in exchange for peace of mind while remaining hostage in an artificial world of "nicotine normal," or to justify relapse. I know I told my self hundreds of times I could quit whenever I wanted to, I just did not want to quit. Tobacco kept me calm, helped me concentrate, gave me energy.. what horseshit. I know you all used this one too “ I will quit when Skoal reaches XXX per can I will quit.” All forms of denial to help you cope with your addiction.

Most nicotine addicts are completely insulated by a thick blanket of unconscious denial rationalizations, minimizations, fault projections, escapes, intellectualizations and delusions that hide the pain of captivity or create the illusion that lifes problems are somehow being solved by using. The average addict musters the confidence to challenge their addiction about once every three years, at which time roughly 1 in 20 will succeed in breaking free for an entire year. These horrible recovery statistics evenutally result in half of us dying by our own hand, with male users losing an average of 13 years of life expectancy and females losing 14 years. Our senseless self-destruction is undeniable visible evidence of denial's depth, and the power of this addiction. The addiction insulated us from the extreme price being paid with each and every puff or pinch - a little more of life itself taken, all to line the pockets of big tobacco.

Sadly for far too many the three years between recovery attempts will be too long. According to the World Health Organization the next three years will cost 15 million of our brother and sister addicts their lives. If you are here reading this you are at a crossroads. You want to quit but are not sure you can. This is where you need to be. It will be tough, you will have to endure some pain but it can be done. As a former can to can and a half a day user I can attest to the fact that this site and the methods here do work. You have a choice to make today, another try in three years may be too late.

Make no mistakes, this is a battle for your lives. What will your decision be ?