Hi all,
I'm almost at 24 hours. I read a thousand posts last night as I was physically shaking and screaming. Posted roll on December 2015 quit group.
I separated from the Navy 2 weeks ago and have been using my separation date as a catalyst to quit this motherfucker, Copenhagen.
I started in High School, back when I was hanging out with my coach on the weekend. He handed me a can of Kodiak, took a small pinch and ended up on the floor for about an hour.
For some unknown reason, I kept taking more pinches, even though every time it made me sick. I continued throughout college and into my Navy career.
I don't think I was truly hard core addicted until I started working in the Navy day in and day out, doing very dangerous, stressful work and supervising a lot of young kids.
The stress of constantly worrying about somebody getting hurt or killed, including myself, lead me to dip all day long.
Looking back on it, I know that dip didn't help me deal with the stress or pressure at all, it actually hurt my ability to deal with things... but you all know how irrational you can be when the addiction is calling you. It "felt" like Copenhagen was providing some relief.
Over the years I've noticed my personality change quite a bit. I'm a serious asshole at work and I don't get along with most people. I'm known as the really hard core guy who has no sympathy for excuses or crap performance. This is partly my inherent personality, but it's also a reflection of what Copenhagen slowly did to me.
I became increasingly isolated from family and friends. I would make excuses not to go to social events, simply because I knew I would want to dip 1/2 way through the event and I'd get super irritable. I've broken off a couple relationships with really nice women, simply because I didn't want to problem solve in the relationship. I'd rather sit at home in front of the TV and make love to my mistress, miss Copenhagen.
I'm such a fucking coward.
I'm literally freaking out as I write this, dealing with withdrawals, but at the same time I feel a little bit of relief as I've honestly never been very open to anyone about my addiction. I feel like I'm being honest about it for the first time!
I am an addict.
I have allowed Copenhagen to run my life for the last 15 years.
No more.
Fuck this addiction.
I need to grow up, own it, be honest with myself, attack this bitch head on and become a better man.
I need to connect with the guy I used to be - always laughing, care free, laid back. Where did he go? Copenhagen took him away.
This habit is so incredibly disgusting. I look at the spitters, trash cans lined with residue, granules of snuff all over my front seat and in the nooks and crannies of my truck.
Disgusting, disgusting, disgusting.
The funny thing is, I've dated some very intelligent, beautiful, top notch women before who busted me dipping and actually put up with it. I seriously do not understand how any woman can put up with a guy that dips. It is truly disgusting and shows a lack of character. It truly is a low, low, habit. Let's be honest.
I feel a lot better as I'm writing this, but I know there is a long, long road ahead of me. I'm glad I found this forum, it seems to be filled with people just like me, with the same attitude and commitment.
Ok, I think I'm going to go and run 10 miles because if I don't I might throw my couch through the fucking wall. I am bouncing around the house, can't concentrate on anything, keep forgetting why the hell I walked into a room. Hitting all kinds of mood swings, randomly laughing at a stupid commercial that's not even funny. Losing my shit for no reason when the neighbor's dog steps onto my lawn. Getting emotional about my family and memories of being a young boy growing up. So fucking weird.
Thanks in advance to anyone who reads this. For some reason, it's making me feel better that I'm telling some stranger, somewhere, how I feel.
Stay strong all.
