Today, May 19, 2011 I quit. I have been a plagued addict for longer than I care to admit. I started chewing Skoal Mint on May 4, 1998, my first day in the field as a reserve deputy sheriff. I thought I had it under control, as most cops think they do... a little pinch here and a little pinch there. For the first few years, it took me a week or more to go through a can, as I did not chew at home, only when I was at work.
Things changed slowly and I started chewing at home. As I moved through different relationships, so did my ability to tell the truth about my chewing. All of the women I dated hated that I chewed, so I kept it from them and dipped in secret. Sometimes all I could think about was getting to dip, once my girlfriend was asleep. I was fooling myself.
I have since moved past that and my girlfriend of the past five years knows I chew and she never says anything. She's not my mom and expects me to be responsible for my own actions. I know she does not like it, but I'm a grown ass man and I "Should" know better.
I am now a sergeant with the sheriff's office where I live and chewing skoal mint has become part of my life up until today. There are at least three deputies on my shift who chew.... dip is never far away, even when you are out.
I have never had any bad dentist visits, but I know it's only a matter of time if I continue.
I have associated throwing in a dip with my response to stressful situations:
Burglary in progress... throw in a dip
Suicide... throw in a dip
Disturbance... throw in a dip
Domestic Violence... throw in a dip
Fight call... throw in a dip
Structure fire... throw in a dip
I just ate a meal... throw in a dip
Reading report... throw in a dip
I having problems with an employee... throw in a dip
I'm tired didn't get much sleep... throw in a dip
At this point "Any excuse related to stress"... throw in a dip
I DON'T WANT THAT ANYMORE!!!!! I want to live and be healthy. I don't want to have to worry about any minute change in my gums, lips or otherwise. I want to stop asking my friends to look at my lip and tell me if they think it looks ok or if they think there's anything cancerous visible. Seriously, I do this and I know I look like a jackass. For some reason it hasn't bothered me enough to quit. My friends and family love me and they all tell me to quit, but I have not listened.
I have trained for more than 13 years to become a police officer and I have been killing myself that entire time with chew. I wear a bullet proof vest, carry a gun, work out, eat lots of mexican food, train to fight, shoot, run, drive fast, etc.... and for what, to just put a cancer causing device in my mouth. I am an idiot and I've known that for a long time. I cannot believe I just let myself chew over and over and over... I must think I am a bullet proof cop. These types of cops often get themselves killed with this type of mentality... but, it's only a little chew right? or so I would tell myself.
I cannot begin to tell you how many times I have tossed my can away (usually was full), only to cave hours or minutes later, finding myself driving to the local store to replace the can I just tossed out.
I cannot go back and change what's happened. I have to accept where I am today and focus on not COP'IN out on my quit. Today, Day 1. I only have 2 1/2 hours until day 2.
That's all I can say now. I am here. I have read lots on this site today and I will need your help. I am weak against the chew. I admit it. I am an addict and slave to can... until today... until today..........
Later
