Day 32 for me. Still going through ups and downs and coming to the realization that there will always be ups and downs with this, but hoping for less downs as the quit time builds. Day 31 was a rough day for me where I was thinking about/missing the Kodiak throughout the day. It was weird because I haven't had my thoughts that consumed by it for that length of time in a couple of weeks and was thinking I was past that part. I am understanding that I must be ready with my tools at any time, these attacks can happen no matter how good or bad things have been going. I seem to be doing well handling most of my triggers other than what I will call boredom or sitting around watching tv. This is my biggest challenge and when I think about dip the most. Its what I call the "passing the time" dips that I am missing. Happy to say on this day 32 I am feeling much better.
I am still heavily using all of the substitutes - toothpicks, gum, candy, and fake. Sometimes I wonder if, in the ultimate irony, my jaw might fall off from the overuse of these. I tried my umpteenth brand of the fake, Hooch, and this one seems like the closest substitute so far, even though it is not very close at all. Nothing seems to come close to the taste that I became addicted to. Anyway its better than using, and I am mostly only using fake on the weekends so not a ton.
I have been spending a ton of time reading on this site and can't stress enough how much helpful, reassuring, inspiring, information there is out here. Reading intros, HOF speeches, and quit groups - the amount of information is unbelievable and is great info to have to stay quit. I have been reaching out to more members and that definitely keeps me quit and maybe helps them also. I have been telling more friends about my quit and they have all been supportive. My favorite reaction is the old "No shit, its about time you moron! You aren't a teenager anymore. How the hell could you have been doing this for so long". Of course reactions like this come from the non-addict friends. They are funny/sad/true all at the same time. I told my parents also - I hesitated to tell them for a bit as I wanted to be more sure of myself before I did and not risk disappointing them. My mom said she had just been praying about me quitting the past week and my Dad's voice sounded as happy as I have heard it in a while. I started dipping way back as a 13 yr old living with my parents and like most 13 year old's was a terrible ninja so they have been aware of my use since the beginning. Later in life I was only a ninja at work and in front of my parents. I got to the point were I did it openly in front of anyone and could care less, except for my parents and work (for fear of being asked to stop) where I became a ninja because god knows I couldn't just stop during those times.. I am very proud that I have been able to share my quit with my parents and I am happy they have one less thing to worry about.
I told my cousin about my quit. He also is a Kodiak addict who quit, while using this site some years ago. In fact he told me about this site years ago when he quit but I wasn't interested at the time. Seeing him successfully quit I kept that info in the back of my mind for the last several years and when I was ready to quit looked up this site. We talked for a bit about the site. He stopped using the site after a year or so but remains quit. He said he learned many things on here and the biggest one was that he is an addict and he can never ever have just one again. I agree that this is the most important advice to heed for me. I can never have just one again. When he 1st quit all I could think too myself was that he was making it look so easy. He never seemed phased by it. I brought that up with him and he said he was going crazy so that made me feel a little more normal. He also said how it was hard to stay quit when I was dipping around him which made me feel like a real dick. That thought didn't even cross my mind back in the day and now I am uber aware of triggers like that.
I continue to deal with the ups and downs but am very happy and proud to be quit - those permanent good feelings far outweigh the temporary crave/frustrating/annoyed times.
