Guys today was fucking rough. Last night, on top of my usual wake up every hour when the wife pisses, I got up at 3:00 am and shit my brains out for 2 hours straight. horrible stomach ache. I thought maybe this was a sign things are starting to turn up as i have been super constipated. ok so no sleepÂ… thats nothing new at this point.
on the way to work I told my self out loud that I own this, I am in control, I can do this. Ya, know give my self a pep rally. I eat a few bananas for breakfast and the my eyes seemed like they were seeing the world a little closer to normal. hell i have even started to pray on the way to work, and I am not religious at all.
work sucked ass. I wasn't as dizzy intensity wise as i have been the last few days but it was just a constant body buzz and slight dizziness for most of the day. I hopped on here briefly and saw i had some pm's with phone numbers and encouraging words and i felt so supported and blessed. I was very excited to get home and put the numbers in my phone and get to meet some of you a little closer. start weaving my accountability web. I don't work to fast on my phone so i thought it could wait. and then i started reading a bit farther into diesels intro. got to a part about not reading a certain HOF speech because it scared him. Then a comment came from some one along the lines of " there is no finish line, there is no rainbows" and the panic struck me even harder than it already was. It seems I keep coming across all these catch 22's. Live one day at a time is helping but on the other hand it is encouraged to read all i can on this site and coming across people way farther than I am wigging out, or people saying their is no finish line, forces the thought of the future. I am horrified that that means that this never ends. That i am going to feel like this for ever. And it so hard to not think about it. I felt so much better this past weekend than i have this week. and it started as soon as i walked into a certain office at my shop. that was monday at 1:00 ish. it has not stopped since. then a few weekends ago i was feeling a bit better. got that feeling that i was on the down swing of this again. the old lady wanted to see a movie. I agreed. about 20 minutes in, out of no wear, my heart started pounding and i could not breath. had to go sit in the bathroom and play solitaire on my phone for 30 minutes to try to take my mind off it. but it seems like its 1 step forward and 3 back sometimes.
as the day goes on, I am counting time till 3:00 when my wife is picking me up early for what is possibly the last baby check up at the doctors before he is due on the 9th. I am looking forward to it because she is my best friend and my rock and always makes me feel better. this is wear the story gets embarrassing and leads to another catch 22. I get in her car and she sees my face, knows it was a rough day and says " I love,you how was your day?" I was un able to speak for about 30 seconds to a minute and than i started to ball my eyes out like i haven't since i was a child. I'm talking, can't catch my breath, making ridiculous faces, the whole nine yards man. I could not control it it just came out. i forced myself to eat half a chicken sandwich and then it happened again halfway to the dr. office. The second time i could identify at least were exactly it came from. I was telling wife about something diesel said. He wrote something along the lines of he doesn't know how a person can forget how bad this is and start to chew again. said if he ever gets through this that he would be the happiest person in the world and live life to the fullest. that is exactly how I feel and I can't even verbalize how bad I want to be done with this. I am so overwhelmed I can't comprehend it. so now I feel like a huge pussy, I am far from the crying type, And this is right in front of wife ready to shit out a kid any day now. She needs my problems as much as a dose of the clap. and my confidence is in the shitter. One of the biggest identifiable sources of my anxiety is not being able to be there for her like i should be. having an anxiety attack in the delivery room. her having to deal with me feeling like this and not cleaning the house and taking the stress of her like i should. but all that makes the problem worse.
I pulled myself together long enough to get through the Dr. apt and then we drive down to the city. Wife had to pic up a test grade and talk to the prof at school. I drove around the city for about 20-30 minutes while she was in there and i felt a bit more comfort. I was able to sit there and think about life while looking at some cool buildings to break up my thoughts. on the way home i had wife drop me off at the front of the sub and I walked the rest of the way in to try to see if that would help. While i was walking i did fell better but as soon as i was done it was back to anxiety and dizziness. I have been taking this stuff called Rescue Remedy that some flower potion stuff for anxiety and another chewable thing that is supposed to be a natural anxiety relief thing. I do believe it helps but it seems an hour after an episode starts it calms down, I'm not sure if i can give them the credit or the time past.
that brings you up to now. took a bath and i feel half ways decent. not over the line, just right on it. thanks a ton for the support everyone. I am sorry for writing a book on my days events but it made me feel better to write it down so I did. At this point I am going to make an appointment to talk to somebody and I am not jumping to using medicine but my mind is warming up to it. anything that will makes this pass. at the very least maybe talking to someone will help me deal with the feelings. And here anther fun catch 22Â… I have anxiety about that. Anxious over the possibility of pills, anxious over even finding someone to talk to. I had to switch insurance, i moved about a ear ago. i don't have a primary health care dr. and i think i need to see him/her to get a referral for insurance to cover it, then go see them. shit its a week out before it even happens with all that hullabaloo. thanks for sticking along for this ride guys. I am falling apart. nic is not an option. I will not cave. But I am having a terrible time.
Bob, grit your teeth some more brother...you are winning. Getting the shit kicked out of you but still winning. Never apologize for writing too much on here. It is probably helping you as much as anything.
You are an emotional mess. That's understandable, you are at many crossroads in your life. Crying is a good release so don't sweat it. Besides, women love it...it shows your feminine side:).
I think you need to practice deep breathing and relaxation when you feel the anxiety building. You should definitely seek some help to get over this hurdle. A counselor, meds, whatever. It doesn't have to be forever. Also, it is a fact that exercise helps your brain cope, eg. you felt better after your walk.
Also, STOP READING DIESEL'S SHIT! Find someone more uplifting to follow.
Although there isn't a finish line, this does get easier with time. You are healing.
I'm proud of you. You have gutted out some tough shit to be quit. Get the help you need and use this site to vent and for support.
Just try to remember that nic will not help any of this. Breath brother breath. Slow deep breaths. Take some time. You got this.
That baby is lucky not to have a tard dad with a lip full of dog shit.
PM me if you want to talk.
