Guys today was fucking rough. Last night, on top of my usual wake up every hour when the wife pisses, I got up at 3:00 am and shit my brains out for 2 hours straight. horrible stomach ache. I thought maybe this was a sign things are starting to turn up as i have been super constipated. ok so no sleepÂ… thats nothing new at this point.
on the way to work I told my self out loud that I own this, I am in control, I can do this. Ya, know give my self a pep rally. I eat a few bananas for breakfast and the my eyes seemed like they were seeing the world a little closer to normal. hell i have even started to pray on the way to work, and I am not religious at all.
work sucked ass. I wasn't as dizzy intensity wise as i have been the last few days but it was just a constant body buzz and slight dizziness for most of the day. I hopped on here briefly and saw i had some pm's with phone numbers and encouraging words and i felt so supported and blessed. I was very excited to get home and put the numbers in my phone and get to meet some of you a little closer. start weaving my accountability web. I don't work to fast on my phone so i thought it could wait. and then i started reading a bit farther into diesels intro. got to a part about not reading a certain HOF speech because it scared him. Then a comment came from some one along the lines of " there is no finish line, there is no rainbows" and the panic struck me even harder than it already was. It seems I keep coming across all these catch 22's. Live one day at a time is helping but on the other hand it is encouraged to read all i can on this site and coming across people way farther than I am wigging out, or people saying their is no finish line, forces the thought of the future. I am horrified that that means that this never ends. That i am going to feel like this for ever. And it so hard to not think about it. I felt so much better this past weekend than i have this week. and it started as soon as i walked into a certain office at my shop. that was monday at 1:00 ish. it has not stopped since. then a few weekends ago i was feeling a bit better. got that feeling that i was on the down swing of this again. the old lady wanted to see a movie. I agreed. about 20 minutes in, out of no wear, my heart started pounding and i could not breath. had to go sit in the bathroom and play solitaire on my phone for 30 minutes to try to take my mind off it. but it seems like its 1 step forward and 3 back sometimes.
as the day goes on, I am counting time till 3:00 when my wife is picking me up early for what is possibly the last baby check up at the doctors before he is due on the 9th. I am looking forward to it because she is my best friend and my rock and always makes me feel better. this is wear the story gets embarrassing and leads to another catch 22. I get in her car and she sees my face, knows it was a rough day and says " I love,you how was your day?" I was un able to speak for about 30 seconds to a minute and than i started to ball my eyes out like i haven't since i was a child. I'm talking, can't catch my breath, making ridiculous faces, the whole nine yards man. I could not control it it just came out. i forced myself to eat half a chicken sandwich and then it happened again halfway to the dr. office. The second time i could identify at least were exactly it came from. I was telling wife about something diesel said. He wrote something along the lines of he doesn't know how a person can forget how bad this is and start to chew again. said if he ever gets through this that he would be the happiest person in the world and live life to the fullest. that is exactly how I feel and I can't even verbalize how bad I want to be done with this. I am so overwhelmed I can't comprehend it. so now I feel like a huge pussy, I am far from the crying type, And this is right in front of wife ready to shit out a kid any day now. She needs my problems as much as a dose of the clap. and my confidence is in the shitter. One of the biggest identifiable sources of my anxiety is not being able to be there for her like i should be. having an anxiety attack in the delivery room. her having to deal with me feeling like this and not cleaning the house and taking the stress of her like i should. but all that makes the problem worse.
I pulled myself together long enough to get through the Dr. apt and then we drive down to the city. Wife had to pic up a test grade and talk to the prof at school. I drove around the city for about 20-30 minutes while she was in there and i felt a bit more comfort. I was able to sit there and think about life while looking at some cool buildings to break up my thoughts. on the way home i had wife drop me off at the front of the sub and I walked the rest of the way in to try to see if that would help. While i was walking i did fell better but as soon as i was done it was back to anxiety and dizziness. I have been taking this stuff called Rescue Remedy that some flower potion stuff for anxiety and another chewable thing that is supposed to be a natural anxiety relief thing. I do believe it helps but it seems an hour after an episode starts it calms down, I'm not sure if i can give them the credit or the time past.
that brings you up to now. took a bath and i feel half ways decent. not over the line, just right on it. thanks a ton for the support everyone. I am sorry for writing a book on my days events but it made me feel better to write it down so I did. At this point I am going to make an appointment to talk to somebody and I am not jumping to using medicine but my mind is warming up to it. anything that will makes this pass. at the very least maybe talking to someone will help me deal with the feelings. And here anther fun catch 22Â… I have anxiety about that. Anxious over the possibility of pills, anxious over even finding someone to talk to. I had to switch insurance, i moved about a ear ago. i don't have a primary health care dr. and i think i need to see him/her to get a referral for insurance to cover it, then go see them. shit its a week out before it even happens with all that hullabaloo. thanks for sticking along for this ride guys. I am falling apart. nic is not an option. I will not cave. But I am having a terrible time.
Keep coming here and writing. It is very therapeutic.
Also, keep reading. I know is sucks and is scary to read certain things. You are reading things that you don't want to hear, but they are things you MUST hear. I learned that lesson and now I'm preaching it because it's true.
You are not going to read, "On day X the fog will be gone. On day X your anxiety will fade. On day X your craves will end. And on Day X you will be all cured and never thing about dip again"
Why? Because there are no such X dates, and we will not lie to you. You're and addict trying to quit something you've been addicted to for years. The road is going to be bumpy, things are going to suck, you're going to struggle, you're going to feel like shit, you're going to be constipated and then shit your brains out for two hours. Like some genius on here once said, "things are gonna suck until they don't".
I'm sorry bro, but those are the facts.
Here are some other facts...
Keep fighting and things WILL get better. Keep quit each day and it's a small victory. Over time those small victories WILL add up and you will feel better. Right now you are clinging to the negative in what you are reading, I did the same it and it drug me down like a fucking anchor.
Hard as it may be, try to focus on some of the positive in what you read. Keep reading my intro, and you will see it become much more positive. If things didn't get better, my ass would have been out of here long ago. Just like we won't lie to you about how bad things can be, we aren't lieing when we tell you how awesome things will get.
I kicked to todays ASS. Lived a "normal" day and never even thought about dip. Fuck that shit. I don't need it and I never did. You just have to keep grinding. Get small, grind it out hour by hour, minute by minute if you have to. Whatever you have to do to keep that shit out of your lip, do it!!!
keep you eye on the prize, bro. FREEDOM. That is what you should crave. Freedom from addiction, freedom from being controlled by poisonous weeds in a can, freedom from being a SLAVE. Get normal again!!!! You haven't been normal in years. Come home!!!! Embrace the journey instead of fearing it. I walked in your shoes and lived to dine on honeydew and drink the milk of paradise. It's not a mirage that keeps disappearing as you get closer. Freedom is REAL, feeling great again is REAL, KICKING ANXIETYS ASS IS REAL. I DID IT, and AM DOING IT. I was a pussy too. I was weak, I doubted myself, I went to counseling, I took meds, I cried, I funked, I was high one day and low the next, I was lost and crying in the corner in the fetal position like a cry baby little bitch. But I never gave up and I never caved, and neither will you. Like I said, there is no way in hell I would ever go through that shit again. I promised myself if I did get out of it, I would live life to the fullest, and I am. I will NEVER forget the pain I suffered to remain quit. I think I once said I would shoot fireworks out my ass if I ever felt "normal" again. Last 4th of July I shot an 80 shot roman candle out my bung hole.
As for anxiety, please do what you have to do to manage it. Go see a counselor, they will help. It feels good to spill your guts to someone and have them tell you that there is nothing wrong with you, what you are doing is right, your not going nuts and in fact you are one smart mother fucker for seeking help in the first place. It's one thing for me or someone else on here to tell you that, but it feels a hell of a lot better when you hear it from an educated professional. They will also give you techniques to help you manage your anxiety. Also I know you're anti meds, but there are some out there designed specifically to help with anxiety. Don't be to proud to use them.
Bottom line...you are going to get through this. Things are going to get easier, your anxiety is going to fade, you will eventually tell me I'm right, and one day you will offer advice to someone who is in the same boat you are in right now.
Don't focus so much on WHEN and IF all this will happen. Just look forward to when it will.
Quit on...
