Hey guys, its been a busy week. Wanted to get on here and write a bit, but every second of my time is already accounted for now haha. Not only does the boy take a lot of my time, I am in construction and we just moved onto our first job of the year and running my crew is very time consuming. this is going to be an unorganized mess of thoughts just to get em down.
I have found that keeping to busy to think about feeling like shit is a big help. The last few days I come home and work on my garden (turning my whole backyard into a suburban farm), until jeopardy comes on, then take over the boy. get to bed pretty early, as I am up every 2 hours. you can set your watch to it.
lets start with today. today could almost pass as a "normal" day. "normal" but different kinda. hard to explain, but i have a feeling i don't have to. The anxiety today has been a breeze. only 2-3 brief spots in the day that i had any anxiety at all and it was quick to pass. that said, I am just sitting down in my chair with no immediate task to occupy me and that is generally when it is the worst. So my "normal" day was an absolutely terrible day, but i felt fine about it for the most part. One of those daysÂ… I was a buck short all damn day and it wouldn't end. I was pissed off and frustrated for the vast majority of the day and I handled it fine, without a chew. I did however have a lot of "time to chew" moments today. I haven't really gotten them up to this point. but today I pulled into 7-11 and my brain just had that trigger that happens right before i grab a tin. hop in the car and had the trigger like id reach for the dash and shake 6 empty tins till i found one of the full ones. it is just a split second feeling tho and then goes away. interesting. anyways. got today covered i think.
let Tarantino this. start at today and go back to the beginning. After the baby came I was a mess for a few days. such a sinking horrible feeling in my chest constantly, dizzy as all hell. just back to square one. the more slept i got and the more days that past, the better it got for the most part. as it has been from the beginning tho, it is not linear. had a good day, then this weekend, think it was saturday, I wanted to go work on my yard, and i was so dizzy and foggy i could barely get around my house. had to sit my ass in my chair pretty much all day. anxiety has been a real issue all week until today. It has not been paralyzing as it was a few weeks ago, or when the baby was first born, but its been there. It is getting better big picture wise, just good days and bad.
yesterday, I spent half the day on a tree clearing machine, and the other half on a bulldozer and it was a day i have been dreading since well before i quit. how was i to handle a day on a machine without a chew? its been 10 years since i have done it. chew goes in at 6 am and stays there till lunch. goes back in until i get home, sometimes around 8-9:00 and only comes out to eat. goes back in before i get in the shower and comes out to sleep. the only time other than that i didn't chew, was if i stopped to change dips and capitalize on a smoke brake, or if i needed to slam a few beers ( sometimes not even then) that was my summer schedule. I thought the day was just gonna suck ass. so I wake up and head out the door. hoped on my machine armed with a bag of sunflower seeds and empty tic-tac container full of tooth picks. fired that bitch up and it was about 10:00 before I realized i hadn't thought about chew yet and I hadnt had more than a few mint burst of anxiety. I was proud of myself and smiled. anxiety came and went throughout yesterday but I made it through.
one of the days this weekend, maybe fridayÂ… father in law was over and i was feeling ok. we have not had a glass of scotch yet to celebrate the baby. so I made the executive decision to do so. thought lets get this out of the way. i made it through a beer on 3 occasions so far. lets try scotch. Boys, i love my scotchÂ…and i love my chew and smoke right after a nice scotch. so I have about 3 fingers, and we enjoyed some conversation about the future with the boy and all that. Im the type of guy who celebrates everything over a scotch. after her left I sat in my chair and my head started pounding and my anxiety went through the roof I was holding the boy and wife asked if i wanted her to take him. She base learned my face and deep breaths when it happens. I new it was gonna happen and told myself and the wife " I got this". And got this i did. it was a rough 10 minutes or so but it passed and I concurred another avenue of life without the filthy shit.
That filthy shitÂ… lets run with that. I was day dreaming a bit a week or so ago. was thinking about emailing one of my good buddies, that e book "freedom from nicotine" I have been on his ass a bit about quitting. he and i have both been quitting for 10 years, you know how that goes. and I got to thinking about going to the bar and smoking and sitting out back and having a cigar with my scotchÂ… i don't know why cigars are the hardest thing to wrap my head around never having again. chew.. sureÂ… smokesÂ… sure but that big ass cigar still makes me crave it. funny thing is I only smoke about 5 cigars a year tops. My brain does that, well we will see. maybe in a year or two you can have you that stogy. and then without me consciously promoting it, my brain said that filthy shit can stay right the hell out of my system. if the flavor of a cigar is the only thing i have to do without then no problem. if my thought process had a face it would have looked disgusted at the idea of any tobacco/nicotine product every coming near me again. after everything i have/am going throughÂ… never again.
there is a lot of other stuff i told myself i needed to write down but i can't remember any of them. assorted thought below before i get out of here.
appetite is back 200%. normal until about 5:00pm and then i can't stop eating. especially mid night snacks. every time the boy wakes up i will go and make an entire bag of chips/cady/crackers/etc. my bitch.
shitting is still hit or miss. sometimes soft serve, sometimes poop soup, and sometimesÂ…like last night and this morningÂ… not at all. constipated as hell with a lot of pain to go along.
pissed off all the time. not really pissed tho just frustrated as all hell. I handle it well but I'm so irritable sometimes. Me and wifey just laugh at it because it is never directed at here. I know exactly what is happening and i don't loose my temper i just go off an a rant and i am pissed yet laughing at the same time if you know what i mean.
and of course the familyÂ… we are great. thanks for all the thought and kind words guys. I am blown away that people i have never met can take such a genuine interest in me, my family and the success of my quite. I am passed the emotional mess stage of the quit ( at least i hope so) but it still touches me and humbles me. thanks so much. The boy is perfect. We are all learning and bring to figure out how this works and how we can get along. last night he projectile vomitted all over me and my chair. i get us all cleaned up and laugh it off. sit down and feed him what he just tossed upÂ… happened again. it was like old faithful man haha. i thought that only happened in the movies. at least 10'' range and I'm guessing 10psi. good for him, that is my boy if your gonna blow chunks do it the best you can right? I am so happy to have such a great little family and so excited about the journey we just started. I feel like everything in my life before this was just there to prepare me for my real life that started last sunday. I was cuddling him in bed the other night while moma was moving all the baby supplies from the living room to the bed room. I just had this feeling that holding him was the most important work i have done in life to date. feeding and changing diapers and all that was the most important thing i have ever done. looking at him even a 3am and exhausted gives life a meaning i didn't know could be there. I feel like i just joined a new club that was always there but i never knew about. kinda like Tortuga for my pirate fans out there. Place you can't find unless you already know were it is. I went to dairy queen with the boy and wife and older fella ( I'm 26, he's probably 45-50) looked over my should when i was rocking his car seat and smiled. Iknew everything he felt with that smile. it was a small split second in both our lives that meant a lot to both of us but a week ago i never would have picked up on. pretty awesome. ok wife is giving me the look, and if any of you are still reading thanks bunch gotta go.
