Dear all,
My name is Dan and I am addicted. I had my first taste of tobacco in high school after a wrestling meet. I bummed a dip from one of the seniors on a long bus ride home -- he used to dip to drop the last few ounces of weight on our way to meets. I didn't get the appeal and quickly spat it out. I never felt the rush or high. It just I stayed away from the stuff until college. That's when tobacco and I really started our relationship.
50 % of the wrestlers on my team dipped, and countless members of my fraternity would throw one in when studying late. Halfway through my first semester, I invested in my first can of Grizzly Wintergreen. It has been my crutch off and on ever since.
This isn't my first time quitting. I've quit for days, weeks, months, and even a whole year in the past. I thought that maybe it would be easier to quit smoking than chewing, so I started smoking instead of dipping. Then, feeling guilty because I was caught smoking, I went back to chewing. It was much easier to hide it from my friends and family that would look down on me for my habit.
Eventually my parents found out. About 2 1/2 years ago my mom found a can and a half-full spitter. My dad had been smoking 2 packs a day since he was 13 and he didn't care. My mom gave me the disappointed talk, but it didn't really sink in. She persisted. I felt guilty enough for using, but even worse when she knew about it. I told her I quit, but kept chewing; I'd chew late at night, or make excuses to leave the house when I was craving to ride around with a pinch in my lip. That went on for a while. Then she found a 3 cans in my closest before I went off to college to start a new semester. She didn't take them from me, or try to get me to stop. That's what hurt the most -- she didn't think I would quit and seemed to give up on trying to convince me to. When I packed my bags to head off to school the next day, I left the cans on the kitchen table and told her I would never chew again.
At school I honored my promise to her and myself. I fought the urge to chew. My friends were shocked because I seemed to be the guy that would nurse a pinch for hours at a time and chew 4-5 times a day. I was seen with a dip at all times I wasn't working out or spending face time with professors. I bought $200 dollars worth of Jake's to help me ease the cravings. It worked. I was tobacco free for just a few months shy of a whole year.
Then 2nd semester senior finals happened. Late I night, and needing something to help keep me awake, I went to the store to buy some coffee. I saw the metallic black, green and silver cans and....resisted the urge. I bought a Black Mild cigarillo. I smoked one 3 nights in a row before heading home. I was back on tobacco, just not chew. It didn't last long though.
During my senior year of college, my father wound up in the ICU in a coma. He was out for 3 days. When he woke up, the doctors told him he needed to stop smoking and drinking or else he wouldn't make it past 60 years old. He quit both. Cold turkey.
One day, during the summer after graduation, my dad smelled the smoke on me. I still needed tobacco, but couldn't bare the thought of tempting my dad with the smell of smoke, so I went and got a log. I dipped 5/7 days a week every week since then until late last night and kept it mostly a secret. The only people who know I chew are my coworkers because it is the only place I do it openly. My family, friends outside of work, and girlfriend have no clue I am still struggling with my battle against the crave.
I had my last dip at 10:00 pm in the presence of a fellow KTC quitter. I have been telling him I was planning on quitting for about two months. He is 83 days clean today and he encouraged me to join this site as a way of support.
I am fully into the quit. I am sick of sneaking around and feeling bad about my habit. I picked today to be day one of my quit because I knew I was going to have an easy day at the office. I will be spending the next 3 days with my girl, and I have never dipped in her presence. I am excited to quit again and hope that I will be my last quit.
