Hello All -
So I'm cruising the internet last night and I come across this site and think I'll give it a whirl to see if it can aid in my "quit". I took my last dip of the nasty Grizzly long cut wintergreen on the 18th of this month but foolishly convinced myself (as I have on several occasions) that I can chew on a cigar because just not the same thing so my last chew on a cigar, or last time nicotine touched my mouth was this Wednesday, July 27. So now starting my 3rd day fighting this fucking monster.
Little history...I'm 39 and took my first dip when I was 18 or 19 while in college. Some other guys were doing it so I was like hell, that looks cool. Hated it. But, I persevered and continued sticking that shit in my mouth and it eventually became a hardcore addiction...20 years in the making and dipping at least a can a day for as long as I can remember.
I guess I relate almost anything now to having a dip...triggers one may call it. I wake up in the morning and get ready for work, constantly thinking about that first dip I will take in the car on the way to the office. I buy disposable coffee cups so that I can grab a cup of coffee and chug it down and use the cup to spit in. For days I do not make coffee I'll stop by Starbucks and grab a cup of coffee and an extra cup to spit in. While in the office I dip all day. I travel quite a bit on my job so road trips always trigger the need to have it in my mouth. While in hotels at night I am bored and will always have a dip in my mouth. At night at home I stay up late, pretending I need to work, so I can dip while my wife and kids are asleep. During the day I will come up with errands I need to run and when my kids want to come with me I tell them "no", because I need quiet time, have to make business calls, or whatever other lie I can come up with so that I can dip, which is the only reason I'm out "running errands" in the first place. Hell, I'm preaching to the choir here, for those who have quit or are trying to quit you understand how there are so many things that trigger that thought in your brain to throw in a dip. Hell I'm thinking in the back of my mind right now how good it would be to have a dip in. But I'm not going to do it.
I guess it all finally came to head last week. Like others I'm sure, I've quit dozens of times but I was always weak. I would pray for strength but always fell week. I lied repeatedly to my wife that I was quitting or had quit, but I returned to it. This last week, after a successful long stretch of fooling my wife into thinking I quit, she walks into my home office (of which she rarely steps foot into so I considered it "safe") and picked up the scent immediately. I had gotten lazy and she found some cups with spit in my trashcan. She was FURIOUS to put it lightly..."how can you continue to do this to put your health at risk, do you want to leave me a widow, do you want your kids to grow up without you???", needless to say she was pissed. She didn't talk to me for 3-4 days. I told her I quit but she doesn't believe me....hell, maybe I don't believe myself.
Sorry for the rambling and lengthy post. I'm gonna give this a try. Honestly I do feel like this "quitting time" is different. I'm determined and eager to continue this journey. I need to figure where I need to post for whatever group I will be in.
I'm done with this crap. I fucking hate that I am controlled by it. I look at the shit in the spit cup and am disgusted at myself for putting this vile crap in my mouth, and all the same I continue to think how good it would be to put another pinch of this nasty crap in my mouth. I can't do that anymore. Thanks for the support and I hope I can return the favor of encouragement to others as we continue on this journey together.
Paul
