Day 86
Just before noon, back in the ER at work again. Where was I?
My addiction. Selfishness. Like many of the other quitters on here, I told my wife before we got married that I would quit. Almost 3 years later, when my first son was born, I again lied and said I would quit. I cannot even count the number of times I lied about quitting. And like most of you, I lied to my family AND to MYSELF. I couldn't even admit to myself that I was not capable of quitting. To me, it was always my choice to keep dipping...even if it was just one more time. I can't even remember how many nearly full cans I threw out the window on the drive home between midnight and 0100, telling myself that I was going to quit and the one in my lip right then was the last. Of course, I just stopped on the way to work the next day and bought a new can...and everything was fine because it was my choice...and I'd quit before I medically needed to.
Of course, addict mentality burrows deep into our minds and pervades our actions relating to everything we do...in other words, commen sense goes out the window. In my mind, the answer to my wife asking me to move out was to stop being selfish - she felt (feels) I did not (do not) take care of her/her needs emotionally. That's the kiss of death...especially when you are married to a marriage and family therapist.
So, I thought, quitting...REALLY quitting....would show her how much she meant to me and that I planned on being around to take care of her and my boys. I mean, that would show her that I was putting her needs above my own, right? That was a good thing, right? Well, imagine my fogged confusion when Sensei said, "Um....quit for yourself...nobody else." WTF? I figured, "Whatever. I'll nod, say OK and keep doing what I am doing and believing what I believe."
Around day 60-65 things started to make a bit more sense. Not realy because of anything specific I learned on this site, but more from the fact that my wife has continued to be distant and although I am still living in the house and sleeping in my bedroom, it has been more a roommate environment than marriage. The realization hit that if this quit was about my wife, I might as well say, "Forget it," and stick a big pinch of Cope in. Luckily for me, somewhere between my first post and this point I had obviously subconsciously come to the conclusion that this quit was mine and it was for and about me...selfish, yes. Essential? Absolutely.
I think it was about then I commented that I didn't know which was harder, keeping a marriage or quitting dip. The marriage is harder. And I realized that there was not a single thing dipping would do to make my other problems easier or better. I had said that I knew that this quit was THE QUIT...it was the real thing. At day 86, I can tell you that is still the case. Even after seeing vets whose member # is in the 100s cave, I am confident....I know that I cannot do this without holding myself accountable to the site...I cannot leave here and do this on my own...more importantly, I WON'T even attempt to leave here and do it on my own. No matter what happens in my marriage, I am quit...this is about me, as selfish as it might sound. I come on here and spew all kinds of stuff...sometimes it sonds funny, sometimes I'm sure it might sound very self-righteous, sometimes I might sound like I am out to just bust peoples balls or, as one new member put it, impress the vets or look cool. Most of the time I say what I say because it makes me focus on what I need to do.
OK....train of thought has been interrupted so many times, can't even follow my own stuff...1330...took me over an hour and a half to write this....between patients, of course. See, so comitted to my quit, I'm working it at work!
