Some of what's gone through my mind / heart in the last 9 hours:
wow, i had no idea how many times a day i think about taking a dip.
no, asshole, don't fool yourself; you KNOW how many times a day you think about taking a dip. but you always let yourself do it anyway.
i took my last dip yesterday evening - i got up from the table where my two college-age kids and their significant others and my wife and i were all playing a hilarious game together, and i got up, went into the garage, snuck a dip (pouch, so no one could see ... ha), came back in, played some of the game, got up, walked to the kitchen, sneaked a spit into the sink.
how effed up is that? it's living a lie. and flaunting my own vice and addiction in my family's face, but behind their backs.
in reading the resources in this forum/community, i'm struck by how my addiction is like everyone else's. this is infuriating. i am not a beautiful and unique snowflake? and it is AWESOME. i feel like Tyler Durden has walked into my life and held a mirror to my face, and said, "Who are you?"
i want to gnaw on something right now.
i don't want to take a dip. i quit. it feels immensely freeing.
oh, and one other note - i participate in men's work, spiritual work, therapy; i know when it's real and when it's bullshit. this feels real to me.
thank you.
bluebonnetman