Day 136
On one of the threads today, a quitter mentioned that he felt like he was loosing himself by loosing all of his addictions. That mindset is certainly something I can relate to as it is a part of my "addict brain". That part of the brain that I have to make a conscious choice to battle every day.
The first few years of my dipping, I felt bad ass about it. It was a baseball player/ lumberjack thing. It kind of sticks in your subconscious that way. Coffee was the same way, and likewise for alcohol...It was the "adult" thing to do. Made me feel badass when I had some coffee at 12, just like the grown ups, just like my dad. Or when I was sneaking that swig, just like my older brothers..I'd like to say that I've grown up a little since then, but there are many parts of my brain that have not. I am in the process of retraining my brain to understand that chew is not cool, it is not a badass, grown up, baseball player, lumberjack thing to do. I am also teaching it that coffee has nothing to do with being grown up, nothing to do with being a man, ..Problem is, those parts of my brain still want to be 12. They don't want to be taught to be different than they have been. After all, I've left those parts of my brain that way for over 30 years.
While I am glad that progress has been made, the retraining is nowhere near complete. To some extent, it may not be for the rest of my life. The good news is despite ups and downs, the battle gets easier even if it is never over. I do know one thing: there is no standing still, no treading water. Every day is a push for progress. Every day is a day to overcome my addict's brain. The first step is to remind myself that I am an addict. The day I get up and forget that is the day I start sliding backwards into the abyss of addiction. That is why I am here. So I don't forget.
