I am done with this habit

[brinkhoffs52]

Day 7 (again)

STOP!! No I did not cave. I just realized that I write this in the AM, so they are really reflections on the previous day, hence the repeated day number.

Yesterday was one of the least productive days at work. Part of it was me using my time in the live chat and trolling the KTC forums to find more kool-aide and drink it in, so while not technically productive by work standards, it was productive for my life, so I can live with that. The rest of the day was just this hazy fucking fog. It was almost a total apathy. I did get in 9 holes of golf after work, which is normally a massive trigger, but managed to play ok, and stayed off the shit. Of course it helped I didn't have anything other than my smokey mtn, so I did slam through that. THe fog lifted later in the day on the drive home, which was nice. Im hoping that the fog will lessen, but I know it will be a mix of the good and the bad days.

My biggest fear is still to come. I was off the shit for a few months, had one lip, stayed off for several more months, and then fell head long back into it. Even if you look at my history, there have always been LONG gaps (months, even years) with no dip, but I always went back to the nic bitch. I know that defeats the whole "one day at a time" motto, but I can;t help but face my own reality,

I stayed quit on Day 7. I have posted and will remain quit on day 8. I know I must remain prepared at all times... The battle rages on...

[jake frawley]

Day 7...

So I struggled through the weekend.  I succeeded in staying quit, but it was not easy.  The fog has rolled in, and rolled in thick.  I was edgy and agitated all weekend, and bordering on depressed.  It was a weird mixed bag of emotions.  I hated it. I constantly had a tightness in my gut, and this feeling that I was suppressing a beast that wanted to just destroy everything. More than once the thought crossed my mind that I could "fix my problem" with one cheek full of the good stuff.  Fortunately, I know better.  I know that the poison will cut my life short.  I know that I am no special butterfly and I must resist temptation.  I know that I must CHOOSE to stay quit.

It's crazy to think that I can feel depressed over taking a life shortening, disfiguring, poisoned weed out of my life, but I do.  I need to find more outlets for my anxiety. Luckily I was busy building a fire pit this weekend and finishing some other home renovations, but this is a double edge sword, as doing home improvement work was one of the times I took the most satisfaction from having a dip in.  To me, something felt so "right" about having a giant chew while using table saws and mitre saws to build something from raw material.  I know this logic is flawed, as there is nothing "right" about putting poison in your mouth. I would be lying if I said I didn't miss that feeling of having in a real lip.  The fake stuff, the tea bags, and the seeds sort of satiate the desire, but not entirely.  So I must remain ever vigilant.  The nic bitch lurks around every corner, waiting to pull me back down into her darkness.  She will lose.  For today, I make another choice to stay quit.  I do not quit forever, but I quit for today.  Until tomorrow, when I make the choice again...

Good post, I think most addicts have the same discussion with themselves. You have the right attitude and understanding. I would recommend reading more about nicotine addiction and addiction in general. My quit got much easier when I absolutely knew a dip wasn't going to help me do anything, that all those fond memories were nothing but lies I told myself to keep pushing that crap in my pie hole. The only thing nicotine actually does for you (besides keep you regular) is lessen the withdraw symptoms it causes. The rest we all made up to justify our continued use... You do not mow the lawn better, or concentrate better with dip, you have just convinced yourself that you do.... Lose that and quit gets much simplier...

You got it! Understanding this battle is half the battle itself! Good news! Each time you fight through a trigger you rewire you brains pathways to see that situation in a new way! Every time you do anything that used to make you want to chew, and do not chew, it loses some of its power over you! It does get easier! We cannot crawl under a rock and hide. As you live each day you retrain your brain to cope in new ways. Someday using a saw will not make you think about chew.... Someday... Good job this weekend. And Keep adding these thoughts to your thread. They are a good reference for you.

[T-Cell]

Day 7...

So I struggled through the weekend. I succeeded in staying quit, but it was not easy. The fog has rolled in, and rolled in thick. I was edgy and agitated all weekend, and bordering on depressed. It was a weird mixed bag of emotions. I hated it. I constantly had a tightness in my gut, and this feeling that I was suppressing a beast that wanted to just destroy everything. More than once the thought crossed my mind that I could "fix my problem" with one cheek full of the good stuff. Fortunately, I know better. I know that the poison will cut my life short. I know that I am no special butterfly and I must resist temptation. I know that I must CHOOSE to stay quit.

It's crazy to think that I can feel depressed over taking a life shortening, disfiguring, poisoned weed out of my life, but I do. I need to find more outlets for my anxiety. Luckily I was busy building a fire pit this weekend and finishing some other home renovations, but this is a double edge sword, as doing home improvement work was one of the times I took the most satisfaction from having a dip in. To me, something felt so "right" about having a giant chew while using table saws and mitre saws to build something from raw material. I know this logic is flawed, as there is nothing "right" about putting poison in your mouth. I would be lying if I said I didn't miss that feeling of having in a real lip. The fake stuff, the tea bags, and the seeds sort of satiate the desire, but not entirely. So I must remain ever vigilant. The nic bitch lurks around every corner, waiting to pull me back down into her darkness. She will lose. For today, I make another choice to stay quit. I do not quit forever, but I quit for today. Until tomorrow, when I make the choice again...

Good post, I think most addicts have the same discussion with themselves. You have the right attitude and understanding. I would recommend reading more about nicotine addiction and addiction in general. My quit got much easier when I absolutely knew a dip wasn't going to help me do anything, that all those fond memories were nothing but lies I told myself to keep pushing that crap in my pie hole. The only thing nicotine actually does for you (besides keep you regular) is lessen the withdraw symptoms it causes. The rest we all made up to justify our continued use... You do not mow the lawn better, or concentrate better with dip, you have just convinced yourself that you do.... Lose that and quit gets much simplier...

[Greg5280]

Day 7...

So I struggled through the weekend. I succeeded in staying quit, but it was not easy. The fog has rolled in, and rolled in thick. I was edgy and agitated all weekend, and bordering on depressed. It was a weird mixed bag of emotions. I hated it. I constantly had a tightness in my gut, and this feeling that I was suppressing a beast that wanted to just destroy everything. More than once the thought crossed my mind that I could "fix my problem" with one cheek full of the good stuff. Fortunately, I know better. I know that the poison will cut my life short. I know that I am no special butterfly and I must resist temptation. I know that I must CHOOSE to stay quit.

It's crazy to think that I can feel depressed over taking a life shortening, disfiguring, poisoned weed out of my life, but I do. I need to find more outlets for my anxiety. Luckily I was busy building a fire pit this weekend and finishing some other home renovations, but this is a double edge sword, as doing home improvement work was one of the times I took the most satisfaction from having a dip in. To me, something felt so "right" about having a giant chew while using table saws and mitre saws to build something from raw material. I know this logic is flawed, as there is nothing "right" about putting poison in your mouth. I would be lying if I said I didn't miss that feeling of having in a real lip. The fake stuff, the tea bags, and the seeds sort of satiate the desire, but not entirely. So I must remain ever vigilant. The nic bitch lurks around every corner, waiting to pull me back down into her darkness. She will lose. For today, I make another choice to stay quit. I do not quit forever, but I quit for today. Until tomorrow, when I make the choice again...

First of all congrats on making it a week! Big accomplishment.

You will have a wide range of emotions, it is normal, you need to do a little reading about nicotine and big tobacco. There are numerous articles on the internet or I have a ton of information on my intro page.

Spend some time reading about our little drug of choice and the sick, twisted people that make/sell it and you will begin to understand why you feel the way you do.

Congrats again on the week, keep posting your promise each morning!!

STAY QUIT
Greg

[brinkhoffs52]

Day 7...

So I struggled through the weekend. I succeeded in staying quit, but it was not easy. The fog has rolled in, and rolled in thick. I was edgy and agitated all weekend, and bordering on depressed. It was a weird mixed bag of emotions. I hated it. I constantly had a tightness in my gut, and this feeling that I was suppressing a beast that wanted to just destroy everything. More than once the thought crossed my mind that I could "fix my problem" with one cheek full of the good stuff. Fortunately, I know better. I know that the poison will cut my life short. I know that I am no special butterfly and I must resist temptation. I know that I must CHOOSE to stay quit.

It's crazy to think that I can feel depressed over taking a life shortening, disfiguring, poisoned weed out of my life, but I do. I need to find more outlets for my anxiety. Luckily I was busy building a fire pit this weekend and finishing some other home renovations, but this is a double edge sword, as doing home improvement work was one of the times I took the most satisfaction from having a dip in. To me, something felt so "right" about having a giant chew while using table saws and mitre saws to build something from raw material. I know this logic is flawed, as there is nothing "right" about putting poison in your mouth. I would be lying if I said I didn't miss that feeling of having in a real lip. The fake stuff, the tea bags, and the seeds sort of satiate the desire, but not entirely. So I must remain ever vigilant. The nic bitch lurks around every corner, waiting to pull me back down into her darkness. She will lose. For today, I make another choice to stay quit. I do not quit forever, but I quit for today. Until tomorrow, when I make the choice again...

[KC_Guy]

Day 5...

Today I am gearing up for the weekend without the nic bitch. I noticed a major change in the way I was thinking about the weekend. Since I was ninja around my wife, each weekend I would RELISH the time that she spent away from the house, or that I spent away from her so that I could "cheat" on her and finger that nasty little can... How pathetic is that... I would rather spend time away from my beautiful wife just so I can enjoy a poisoned weed on the inside of my lip....

Ladies and Gentlemen, that thought pattern is the mind of an addict. Guess what? I am still an addict today, and I will still be tomorrow. But I am battling through the suck right now because I refuse to let that poison course through my body again. The hardest part hasn't been the physical side for me, but rather the mental side. I feel stressed. Like a white hot burning ball of stress in my gut, that one fat lip would always extinguish... That was how she called to me, with her soothing mint flavor, she would remove my stress, when in reality, all she did was mask it temporarily until I had to go back to her. She solved nothing, and only strengthened her deadly grip.

The battle rages on... But for another day, I will be dip free, until tomorrow, when I make the choice again to STAY QUIT!

You got it right bro. One day at a time. Don't ever give the nic bitch an inch because she will take a mile. Then your jaw, tongue and your life. I quit with you any day man.

[brinkhoffs52]

Day 5...

Today I am gearing up for the weekend without the nic bitch. I noticed a major change in the way I was thinking about the weekend. Since I was ninja around my wife, each weekend I would RELISH the time that she spent away from the house, or that I spent away from her so that I could "cheat" on her and finger that nasty little can... How pathetic is that... I would rather spend time away from my beautiful wife just so I can enjoy a poisoned weed on the inside of my lip....

Ladies and Gentlemen, that thought pattern is the mind of an addict. Guess what? I am still an addict today, and I will still be tomorrow. But I am battling through the suck right now because I refuse to let that poison course through my body again. The hardest part hasn't been the physical side for me, but rather the mental side. I feel stressed. Like a white hot burning ball of stress in my gut, that one fat lip would always extinguish... That was how she called to me, with her soothing mint flavor, she would remove my stress, when in reality, all she did was mask it temporarily until I had to go back to her. She solved nothing, and only strengthened her deadly grip.

The battle rages on... But for another day, I will be dip free, until tomorrow, when I make the choice again to STAY QUIT!

[T-Cell]

Day 4....

As I have been reading over everyone's intro's I noticed a trend that I think is pretty awesome.... Chronicling their quit. It can serve as a record of their ups and their downs. More importantly I think that it is an excellent outlet that last time I did not take full advantage. Yes, that's right... Last time. I am one of those "fucking re-treads" that was on the wagon and then fell off. And instead of running like hell to catch back up and hop back on, I let the wagon drift off into the sunset as I slipped back into my ninja habits. Except this time I was far less ninja (except around my fiance/wife with whom I was the ultimate ninja).

Working in construction, even as a project manager, dipping is so ubiquitous that it is just "part of the industry". Even those that don't dip take no exception to it only because "everyone does it". But that is one of the most flawed pieces of logic as a reason that dipping is ok... right up there with the whole "if everyone jumped off a bridge" school of thought. But that was my rationalization, as flawed as it may be.

So there I was, back in the habit, going through 2-3 tins a week...Then the best thing in the world happened. I got lazy with my ninja ways. I left a tin in my car, and my wife found it (three actually). World War III erupted on that drive, and rightfully so. And during that discussion it dawned on me how selfish I had been. It quickly became evident just how much of a jack ass I was, that everytime I put a lip in, I was betraying the love and trust of my wife. That is not acceptable.

Many of the articles/posts on this site talk about quitting for yourself, and not for others, as you may resent them during the hard times. This quit is about me, but it is also about my wife and our marriage, and our future. I want that future to have all of my teeth, be void of deceit and lies, and full of trust and honesty.

So here I sit in my 4th day with out the nic bitch in my life...The physical strangle hold of her ways have subsided ( I think?) and now we are getting into the mind games. I feel a little foggy. Focusing at work is tough. So many times when I had to "crank out work" I would drop in a fat lip and feel so clear headed that I would breeze through it. Now I just feel foggy and like I can't think or focus. I know it is only the mind games....the nic bitch mistress trying to get her strangle hold on my life back in place....I refuse to let it happen, and today I will be victorious. I have posted my roll, I have given my word, and today my word will be kept. And then tomorrow we will start it over again.... One day stronger and one day further away from the last time I let that poison affect me.

-Dan (aka Brink)

I'm liking this post. Now that you are back in the suck, I hope you savor it and understand why you don't want or need to repeat it again. Buck up, you probably have a few more days of fog and some rages coming up soon.
In the meantime, build your quit up. Don't just post roll and run. Increase your knowledge and accountability, it will help.

[brinkhoffs52]

Day 4....

As I have been reading over everyone's intro's I noticed a trend that I think is pretty awesome.... Chronicling their quit. It can serve as a record of their ups and their downs. More importantly I think that it is an excellent outlet that last time I did not take full advantage. Yes, that's right... Last time. I am one of those "fucking re-treads" that was on the wagon and then fell off. And instead of running like hell to catch back up and hop back on, I let the wagon drift off into the sunset as I slipped back into my ninja habits. Except this time I was far less ninja (except around my fiance/wife with whom I was the ultimate ninja).

Working in construction, even as a project manager, dipping is so ubiquitous that it is just "part of the industry". Even those that don't dip take no exception to it only because "everyone does it". But that is one of the most flawed pieces of logic as a reason that dipping is ok... right up there with the whole "if everyone jumped off a bridge" school of thought. But that was my rationalization, as flawed as it may be.

So there I was, back in the habit, going through 2-3 tins a week...Then the best thing in the world happened. I got lazy with my ninja ways. I left a tin in my car, and my wife found it (three actually). World War III erupted on that drive, and rightfully so. And during that discussion it dawned on me how selfish I had been. It quickly became evident just how much of a jack ass I was, that everytime I put a lip in, I was betraying the love and trust of my wife. That is not acceptable.

Many of the articles/posts on this site talk about quitting for yourself, and not for others, as you may resent them during the hard times. This quit is about me, but it is also about my wife and our marriage, and our future. I want that future to have all of my teeth, be void of deceit and lies, and full of trust and honesty.

So here I sit in my 4th day with out the nic bitch in my life...The physical strangle hold of her ways have subsided ( I think?) and now we are getting into the mind games. I feel a little foggy. Focusing at work is tough. So many times when I had to "crank out work" I would drop in a fat lip and feel so clear headed that I would breeze through it. Now I just feel foggy and like I can't think or focus. I know it is only the mind games....the nic bitch mistress trying to get her strangle hold on my life back in place....I refuse to let it happen, and today I will be victorious. I have posted my roll, I have given my word, and today my word will be kept. And then tomorrow we will start it over again.... One day stronger and one day further away from the last time I let that poison affect me.

-Dan (aka Brink)

[Pinched]

Thanks to the MOD for the fix....

What happened?  I was stressed at work...Dealing with a new project, with a combative owner, and a sub par support team...  I let myself rationalize that the key to managing my stress was just to succumb back to using nicotine...

Why it happened? The cave... I let myself believe that just one to take the edge of was ok... and then two... and then just a tin... next I knew I was back in the pit going through 2-3 cans a week.

What am I going to do differently? I will lean on my support network... I made the mistake of once I was past the initial hurdles (the physical withdraw), that I was in the clear and could tackle it solo.  No man is an island... I am also making sure to ahve my "crutches" handy... seeds, tea bags, and am even getting some of that smokey mountain as an added weapon to my quite arsenal....

I am not delusional enough to think that this is going to be easy...  BUt this habit is dead to me....

oh just a note, the Habit is puting anything in your mouth. The Addiction is putting nicotene in your body.

Big Difference.

BTW - even after a year I still have a little stash of trident gum and candy I carry with me everywhere, for that just in case.

you can do this.

Glad you are quit. As far as leaning on your support group this time, one way to do that is to be involved in this site. Keep updating your intro, get in chat , PM people, get numbers, share yours, text, call whatever.. Just get involved. PM me if you want another number for accountability.

I am right there with everyone else; PM me and I will freely give you my digits for support.

As stated previously get yourself an emergency stash of whatever works for you. I have several stashes just incase; hell I even have some in my bug out bag.

Evil, what isle are the balls in at HD? I remember looking there once before; perhaps my looking in plumbing was the wrong area.

Brinkhoffs remember we are here and all of us are into this shit together. There are few motivational speakers in here but plenty of assholes to point out every flaw you might have. Your word is your bond on here.

QUIT THIS TIME, don't stop.

[CaliforniaSlim]

Thanks to the MOD for the fix....

What happened?  I was stressed at work...Dealing with a new project, with a combative owner, and a sub par support team...  I let myself rationalize that the key to managing my stress was just to succumb back to using nicotine...

Why it happened? The cave... I let myself believe that just one to take the edge of was ok... and then two... and then just a tin... next I knew I was back in the pit going through 2-3 cans a week.

What am I going to do differently? I will lean on my support network... I made the mistake of once I was past the initial hurdles (the physical withdraw), that I was in the clear and could tackle it solo.  No man is an island... I am also making sure to ahve my "crutches" handy... seeds, tea bags, and am even getting some of that smokey mountain as an added weapon to my quite arsenal....

I am not delusional enough to think that this is going to be easy...  BUt this habit is dead to me....

oh just a note, the Habit is puting anything in your mouth. The Addiction is putting nicotene in your body.

Big Difference.

BTW - even after a year I still have a little stash of trident gum and candy I carry with me everywhere, for that just in case.

you can do this.

Glad you are quit. As far as leaning on your support group this time, one way to do that is to be involved in this site. Keep updating your intro, get in chat , PM people, get numbers, share yours, text, call whatever.. Just get involved. PM me if you want another number for accountability.

[Evil_Won]

I merged your two intros and your lastest post isn't that promising.

Think long and hard about if you WANT to quit. Cut the crap about "work got real". Everyday I want to physically stab my boss multiple times in the throat and then throw him out of a window. With 16,000 quitters here I doubt I'm the only one that feels that way. Yet, he still walks and breathes and I am still quit because I choose to be today. I posted roll and my word is all I have.

Why am I still here today? Because I am still an addict and still crave constantly. Being here is a constant reminder of my desire to remain quit.

Oh, and reaching the HOF once before doesn't mean much. You failed. You learned nothing. Shit "got real" and you caved. Home Depot is having a sale on balls; see about getting a set.

[SirDerek]

Thanks to the MOD for the fix....

What happened? I was stressed at work...Dealing with a new project, with a combative owner, and a sub par support team... I let myself rationalize that the key to managing my stress was just to succumb back to using nicotine...

Why it happened? The cave... I let myself believe that just one to take the edge of was ok... and then two... and then just a tin... next I knew I was back in the pit going through 2-3 cans a week.

What am I going to do differently? I will lean on my support network... I made the mistake of once I was past the initial hurdles (the physical withdraw), that I was in the clear and could tackle it solo. No man is an island... I am also making sure to ahve my "crutches" handy... seeds, tea bags, and am even getting some of that smokey mountain as an added weapon to my quite arsenal....

I am not delusional enough to think that this is going to be easy... BUt this habit is dead to me....

oh just a note, the Habit is puting anything in your mouth. The Addiction is putting nicotene in your body.

Big Difference.

BTW - even after a year I still have a little stash of trident gum and candy I carry with me everywhere, for that just in case.

you can do this.

[brinkhoffs52]

Thanks to the MOD for the fix....

What happened? I was stressed at work...Dealing with a new project, with a combative owner, and a sub par support team... I let myself rationalize that the key to managing my stress was just to succumb back to using nicotine...

Why it happened? The cave... I let myself believe that just one to take the edge of was ok... and then two... and then just a tin... next I knew I was back in the pit going through 2-3 cans a week.

What am I going to do differently? I will lean on my support network... I made the mistake of once I was past the initial hurdles (the physical withdraw), that I was in the clear and could tackle it solo. No man is an island... I am also making sure to ahve my "crutches" handy... seeds, tea bags, and am even getting some of that smokey mountain as an added weapon to my quite arsenal....

I am not delusional enough to think that this is going to be easy... BUt this habit is dead to me....

[SirDerek]

Today is a another "day 1".  I previously quit June/July of 2012.  I got through the first hurdles.  I was good to go... I made it through 6 months.... And then January hit... WOrk got real... I got weak... and started my subtle slide back down into the pit.... The lies, the concealing spitters, the hiding cans... Working in construction made it easy to do it at work, but that was just an excuse for my weakness... 

I read my introduction to force myself to look in the mirror and figure out "what's changed?" why this time?  Why won't the nic bitch take back over...

Is this time different?  The answer is yes and no...  It is the exact same as last time... I want to end the lies, and end the habit that controls me....  It is different in perhaps the most important way possible... I am wiser and no longer naieve enough to believe that I will ever be "cured".  I will get to the HOF... I will get beyond the HOF... I will get to 2+ hofs (if that is even a term), but I will never be cured.  I will always have to be vigilant of the evil nature that lurks when I get sloppy and succumb to the nicotine whore....

Well you only get one thread a mod can fix that for you. Just a quick look at your total posts and your join date YOUR plan had holes a shit ton of holes...
It still has holes we dont worry about 100 days from now we focus on today only...the rest dont matter. I think you should really try on the the 3 questions again....

What happened?
Why did it happen?
What are going to do differently next time?

Do some reading lots of it get involved this time be accountable. Brotherhood Accountabilty Success POST ROLL is how this place works.

yes the big 3 needs to be answered, for the big fact that this is the learning that goes on.

And when you come to the responses for these, I would be Nov12 (your original group) would like to say hi, so post it in there as well.

One thing you may notice when you post is the reaction you get. If it is small, then you may not have been active enough in the Brotherhood that we promote here on the site. Meaning you did not make the neighbors, connections, friends that make this site the best way of quitting.

You say wiser and no longer naive, well now is the time to show that. Learn from what the site has to offer in all its directions, and put into use it all, so that you will remain quit.